#lily davan

#35mm shots that remind me of you

- words I want to say to you but I can’t

He noticed how my face lit up when I got excited about something, so much so that he always knew when I was happy.

He noticed how I loved to pretend I was the main character in an indie film, so much so that he created a playlist called “Soundtrack to my life (I’m the main character)”.

He sees all these little things in me that I didn’t even know existed. Things that I never knew people noticed. Things that I didn’t think people cared enough about to notice.

Nobody has ever paid such attention to me. So yea, I’m not going to lie, I kind of started to fall for him. Started to become attuned to him in the way that he was to me.

I started to notice him , too. And now he doesn’t notice me at all. Not anymore. He walked away.

And I’m still here.

to dance upon the ashes of impossibility

and that is what we both had begun to think love was, definitely

to the both of us, love wasn’t a possibility

but maybe we are meant to love each other

through all the roads less traveled

through all the screams and shouts that

our efforts will come unraveled

and simply all I wish,

is peace, somewhere away with you,

somewhere in the mountains, far from where we’ve lived, and the doubts that said we’d never reach this

so take my hand and lead me to the garden

where we flourish

tucked kindly away between the evergreens

jasmine flower, peony, lavender, lily -

and I will sit and wait patiently for the words

that you told me were out there somewhere

waiting to be found

And when you find them, come look for me amongst the wildflowers

and I will sit and I will listen to everything I’ve ever loved about you

and I will vow to always and forever

make sure this love remains new

Lily Davan 1/26/2020

In love with the idea of love

So true -

Me-

In love with the idea of being 

In love

With you

{[]}

I have spent years in this room

Warm, golden sun 

Looking out the window - my view

Daydream about home

My arms wrapped around you

Daydream about love

When I’m looking at you

Holding me up

When my legs collapse from use -

You

I’m growing up 

And everything looks different now -

New

{[]}

I miss when I looked outside 

And saw the possibilities 

Of tomorrow

I guess when you get older 

Your sadness gets stronger

You drown in your sorrow

Eighteen years of trying to live for tomorrow

{[]}

I have spent years in my mind

Shaking breaking broken

Shatter

In pieces 

Dream about leaving 

My arms clutched around my body 

Breathing, gasping, suffering 

Dream about goodbyes 

Nightmares in my eyes

Waking -

{[]}

Fear still does not

Stop me from hoping 

When will my mind numb me?

I’m struggling with coping

{[]}

Older, tainted, in love 

With the idea 

Of being in love

With you 

{[]}

I have spent years

in this cage

Shaking from the pain -

Crippling

{[]}

I have spent years waiting 

For love 

Home

You

{[]}

And this future

A lot about the past

And how we used to sit and laugh

About nothing in particular

How you came to make me feel

Is wild, in its entirety

Something inside me 

Found solace

In your calm demeanor ,

In the way you always loved me

Without ever asking for more

And the way my mind feels at peace,

When you are near

{[]}

How we evolved 

Is something like the ocean

Always changing, slowly

But always the same -

Constant

You are to me

A constant

{[]}

I think a lot about us now

More than I ever have

Something inside of me snapped,

And I needed it

This is how it should always be,

Friendship dipped in honey -

Sweet

And even through the bad,

And the angry,

And the sad

Through the worst,

You will love me without question

Without leaving me broken

Like how the rest always have

How did it take so long 

For me to realize 

That you were what I needed 

You were what made 

Living feel easy as breathing 

{[]}

Sitting silently in this wooden pew

I marvel so wondrously 

At the history of this place

The beautiful , God endearing 

Loveliness of it all

I can feel so potently the 

Stories that came here before me

The voices that sang the hymns 

A hundred years ago 

I can feel 

The presence of a thousand lives over and over again 

This place holds every whisper ever spoken

This place holds the golden age of our God 

This place holds the Word and the Life 

Inscribed on its walls 

This place holds the God who forgave us 

I can feel it saturate the air that I breathe 

As I look around and just stare, breath stolen from me 

I feel it in my bones 

The ghosts of everyone who has ever 

Walked between these pews 

Who has walked the path our God has set for us 

Can feel it , the hauntingness 

the history of this place 

And I have no words to describe the 

Feeling I get when I see the gold melt off the walls like honey 

Gold that saturated this room with praise 

This place is truly 

The house of our God

And the gate to heaven 

It is May 27th, 2021. 6:01 PM. 

And suddenly, out of the blue, I have found someone absolutely spectacular. Someone who is everything I have ever wanted. The kind of boy I had wished I could have, over and over and over again. Someone who loves the things I love, who makes me laugh harder than I have ever laughed, someone who has deep, intellectual conversations with me at three in the morning when we are drunk out of our minds. And the connection I have with him is unlike anything I think I have ever felt. With you, I felt like I was home, you were my home. But with him, I am always on my toes - I never know what comes next. When I am with him, I feel like I am both home and away, all at once, which is a feeling I don’t think I have ever experienced. Not even with you. When I look at him, I see the possibility of a fantasy coming to life. I see passion, and adventure, and even a little danger. I see the girl that I want to be... that I have always wanted to be. And I am so excited to see her come to life.

And he is beautiful... he is so beautiful, inside and out. And I don’t love him, not yet. But I could - I could love him so easily it scares me. If only I just let myself fall... if only...

And that’s where you come in. 

Do you think I don’t miss you? Don’t miss your voice, or your laugh, or your sh*tty blue Honda Civic, or your mom, or your sister? Do you think I don’t miss taking shots of Jameson in your kitchen at 1 in the morning, or sitting out on the porch swing while you smoked a bowl? Do you think I don’t miss that? Do you think I don’t miss waking up in your bedroom every morning, and rolling over to smother you with kisses? Do you think I don’t miss that? Don’t miss everything we had? Do you think I don’t miss coming home to you? 

Because I do. Still, to this day. But, I am not that girl anymore, and I haven’t been for a very long time now. And sometimes I think about if I would take you back if you wanted to come back. Yea, I miss you. Yea, I miss us. I miss who we used to be. But, those people we were back then... we aren’t those people anymore. So, how would we even go back to that, if we aren’t the same? The answer is we don’t. There was a time it would have absolutely killed me to think about that. To think about the possibility that you and I might never come back to each other again. To think about something I truly loved so much, coming to an end. But, now I am here. And I still love you. I do. I love you so much still. But... I wouldn’t want you back. And I think that for the rest of my life I will think about you and miss who we were when we were just kids in love with no regard for the consequences we would bring upon ourselves. I think I will always miss you, bub. But, this is a part of growing up. 

We love, and we lose, and we continue to love from afar. We love, even if we know there isn’t a spot for that love in our lives anymore. And it could have been you... but there’s no sense in thinking about that now. Not anymore. Not when you left. Not when you didn’t choose me. A future broken before it could really begin. A lesson learned for each of us. A piece in our hearts gone, you have mine and I have yours. But, we were just kids, how were we supposed to know how to love each other? How were we to truly know of love and commitment, how were we to be ready for that? The answer is we weren’t. We still aren’t. 

So, here I am. And there you are. Wherever that may be. Honestly, I don’t want to know. But, I wish you all the best. Maybe one day we can be friends again, when the thought of all that love we used to have for each other seems insignificant in the face of all that we are by then. I miss you. I do. And I hope you miss me too, even if we’re okay without each other now. 

- words I want to say to you but I can’t