Selfish- Jacob x Swan!Reader (Bella's sister)
*Credits to the owner of the GIF*
Warning: THIS IS NOT A LOVE STORY. It's angst as fuck, there's excessive use of words and metaphors, and overly describing things. Most importantly, this contains suicide, death and basically depression. So discretion is advised, although there is no explicit description of them.
***
You should be happy- not the happiest of course, but happy; it's a happy day.
You watched Bella walk down the aisle in the arms of your Dad. You could easily pick up how uneasy she was with everyone's eyes on her, but how could they possibly not? She looked marvellous in that dress, white somehow made her skin glow even more. Alice really knew how to pick. The Bella you knew that was always so clumsy, now looked so effortlessly beautiful, the wind blew away wisps of her hair, and as it seems her worries too, slowly on each stride closer to her new beginning. The world, the wind, the day is all aligning for her— this was what she was always meant to do.
Charlie gave her to Edward, and the wedding began. They exchanged the most beautiful vows, and each word they utter your tears dropped and you had promised yourself that you would be the bravest today— you wouldn't let it get to you.
But how could you possibly not?
Edward looks at her like she's the entire world he would cherish and hold for the forever they will begin. Bella, the one who has no idea of what's to come next, Bella who always seemed to get into an accident, now found everything you could ever want— Eternal love, her soul mate, the one fate made her wait for.
The sun descended and the ceremony ended, soon enough everyone was partying. It was a beautiful feast, Alice really knocked it out of the park. Everyone got their speech, Charlie's words made you shake your head and cover your face in shame, as what is the whole point of being a Dad, if not embarrassing his teenage daughters all the time. Your turn came, and you quickly realized how everything you wrote down isn't what you mean at the moment— but you were nothing but a good sister, so you did what one would do. The words left your mouth so eloquently, your tears flowed, but did your best not break down into a sob, force a smile to cease the expression of somber and jealous, saying things so sweet and meaningful wishes. Your mother is so in awe of her daughters' bond and love, your father swelling with pride, it's hilarious because he's trying hard to keep it in. You look into Bella's eyes, hoping to God she doesn't see through your broken heart; like the thoughts of one that was promised to you wasn't on your mind all the time; how who he wants got what she needed and loved, how that will never be him, and how you will never be that to him. But she was too flustered with everyone's attention to notice, but you knew Edward can read your mind— he knows you know. You thought he would hate you, but spared you of that, and looked at you with sympathy.
Everyone clapped for your speech, and you let Emmett have his turn. The night resumes it's celebration. You despised the reek of alcohol and sweat, but you do know that it's ten times worse for the Cullens, so you try not to let it bother you. You and Charlie found yourself a corner to just stand and watch everyone mingle. Your arms wrapped around him, head on his shoulders. He brushed it off as you being exhausted, but truly, you cling on to the comfort he radiates.
He drank his beer and sighed for the hundredth time tonight. "I know you're next, but like can that happen ten years from now?"
"Dad..." You chuckled, but mostly groaned. You're barely outta high school, and it was never your plan to get married after high school, and you're barely in your junior year just yet.
"I know. You'd rather eat dirt before you get married," he gruffly replied in relent. You scoffed, remembering how you always said that a few years ago. It was odd how everybody started dating in middle school, then nobody's got time for everybody, and you hated how they all elaborate about the future; it made you gag. But now, there's a bitter sense to it, you feel it in your chest.
You just went along with it though with a laugh. "That's right,"
He exhaled sharply at something, perhaps still unable to grow comfort at the thought that his eldest daughter is married. He started straightening up his shoulder.
"Well, better hold onto that thought, here's candidate number one." You glanced up at him with a confused expression, which grew exponentially as soon as you saw the sour look on his face.
You were to ask, but before you could get it out, he jerked his head ahead of you. Swiveling your head, you saw Seth heading towards you with his bright smile and usual enthusiasm. Charlie excused himself, something about speaking with Billy and all that.
"Hey Y/N," he greeted as soon as he reached you. Seth is your best friend, aside from him. You hangout with him everyday, play all the time when you were kids. You even begged your Dad to move you to their school so you can hangout even more. Over the years, despite all the changes in your messy teenage life, he proved to be something permanent.
"Hey Seth," you smiled back.
"You looked so beautiful tonight, Y/N,"
You were flushed, but rolled your eyes. "Thanks. You don't look so bad yourself. Didn't think I would ever see you out of the flannels." He chuckled on your remark.
"So... Wanna dance?" He lifted a hand, along with his eyebrow in hope. Thinking how it wouldn't make this night any worse, you took the offer. He exuberantly guided you to the dance floor. The nervousness in his eyes screamed, gently placing his hands on your waist. You wrapped your arms around his neck, and to the soft beats you both awkwardly swayed to.
It has been too long since something simple and mundane as a dance happened. It lightened your mood slightly, only thinking about not stepping on his foot, and how he beamed at you. You missed non-complicated things.
"So how are things going on?" He asked, to break off the unintended stare-off.
"Fine. Trying to enjoy what's left of summer." You shrugged, not able to provide a decent answer. "And whatever there is to enjoy..." You whispered softly.
He sighed softly. "You miss him, don't you?" He said it like a secret everyone around shouldn't hear.
You tore your eyes away, head hung low as if ashamed to be caught thinking about him. And the way his eyes became poignant; he didn't even have to say his name.
"Well, you know we can take a hike sometimes. It's peaceful up there. Take your mind off of things." You shook your head, already knowing where this leads. You already told him, he knows the situation, but his charms and hope are ever so relentless.
"Seth, you know that I can't."
"I know," he said, his voice sounds like he died a little bit. He cupped your chin, lifting it to meet his eyes. Oh how they betray the soft and bright exterior he portrayed. "Jake will come to his senses, and I will find my own."
He forced himself to perk up. "Besides, It'll be just two friends hanging out like old times. And my Mom can make us some breakfast afterwards— or lunch! Whichever you prefer!"
He stared at you persistently, even pouting. You broke out laughing, the most genuine one tonight. Nothing could possibly hurt you thought to yourself. Just a hike.
So, you nod agreeing. He jumped happily, pumping his fist up in the air, you continued to laugh, while the other guests looked at you in wonder. God, you're gonna have to explain to Charlie that later.
He began to elaborate on the details, then suddenly stopped mid sentence, swiveling his head. You grew concerned, asking him if he was alright, though he didn't reply. You looked around to see what it was about, and you caught Edward disappearing into the woods. Seth told you to stay put, but given your genetic tendency to not listen, you followed him. He shot you a look, but didn't scold you, instead grabbed your hand, both speeding to wherever he planned to be. The closer you got, the apparent commotion got louder, and louder. When you hear whose voice it is, you freeze. Your heart skipped a beat, mouth agape. He's here— he came back. You didn't really think of what to do when he did. Seth noticed you stopped, but continued, guessing it might be too much of a shock for you.
It was Bella, Edward and Jacob in confrontation. Seth tried to take him away from the scene, but Jacob pushed him off, and Seth fell to the ground. You gasped, unsure what to do. Sam along with the pack came outta nowhere, and tried to get ahold of him. He kept resisting them, your feet automatically worked, and despite the heels, you joined in. He shoved them back, so you replaced them, planting your hands on his chest, holding him back with all your strength.
"Jacob, stop!" You yelled at him. That seemed to snapped him out for a second. Your eyes met briefly, all the emotions swam back to the surface, you were holding them back so much, but he set them off. The familiar warmth and sense of ease washed over; it's the connection that comes with the imprinting like Billy explained to you. You missed him so much, but you don't know what to do.
He was fuming, jaws clenched so hard they would break. He and Sam had an exchange. He stared at you like he wanted you to back him up. But instead, you murmured, "Please."
It's like you betrayed him. He pushed your hands off of him, making you stagger back, Seth caught you though. He stormed off into the woods. Then there you knew, nothing breaks quite like the heart, and it slapped you in the face so hard. You looked at Sam to apologize, but he just gave you a curt nod. The whole pack followed Jacob, Seth told you to stay put and you did.
The party ended. Bella and Edward now are headed to their honeymoon. You said goodbye so dramatically, knowing what to come after this. Charlie joked about how she's not gonna live there, and you should calm down. God, it will kill him in the end. Charlie called you to go home, but you said you wanted to get some fresh air and a long walk. He disagreed at first, considering how late it was, but with Seth looped in, he agreed.
Alice was sweet enough to lend you a car (you begged her), even if you have yet to get a license. You found out there was a Mexican restaurant still open. Seth got inside to order some food before driving around again. You waited for him leaning against the car, enjoying the quiet of the empty, dead street. For now, before the thoughts kill you again.
"What are you doing?" You jumped out of your skin upon hearing it.
Your hand flew to your chest, calming your thumping heart. "Jesus Christ, Jacob!" You shouted. As the relief came to the sight of Jacob, standing in front you like nothing had happened earlier, so did the uneasiness.
You didn't know how he knew you were here. Could he have followed you? But why?
"I said, what are you doing?" He repeated firmly.
"Getting food. What are you doing here?"
"Don't do that," he warned. Your brows drew together. As far as you know you're not doing anything.
"Do what?" He pressed you with a look, as if you're supposed to know.
He exhaled sharply. "To him." He nudged his head towards the restaurant. "Don't use him to gain comfort in my absence."
You blinked, taken aback. You couldn't believe his audacity to accuse, telling you what not to do after disappearing, and causing a big mess right when he came back.
"Is that how you think I am?" You exclaimed.
He chuckled, sardonic. "It's the Swan sisters' signature,"
Your gears are turning. Of course. Bella. The first person he came to see when he arrived back.
"So this about Bella? Jacob, dear God! That's her choice, Jacob. Let her have something not all of us can't." You argued.
"I didn't lock you into this. That is not my fault," he countered, taking a step forward. You turned away, as tears brimming your eyes. Way to rub salt to the wound; it's not like he's acting the most enthusiastic about the whole ordeal. And it's not like you wanted this too. You began walking to cross the street where Seth is, he called for you to stop.
"I don't know what's wrong with you, Jacob. We've been friends for years, even before Bella came back, and you of all people would know that I'm not that person," you said, continuing to walk away from him.
"Then stop doing it,"
Full of it, you spun around, barely holding onto your tears and anger. You don't know where all of this is coming from; why does he sound like he cares about what's happening with you?
"Who I spend my time with is none of your business. You have no control over me, and you made that very clear a long time ago," you stated stubbornly in the middle of the road.
"I am not controlling you!"
"You're not doing anything! At all!" You snapped, your voice echoed in this empty town. "But to pine after her, you disappeared without telling anyone because of her, and I thought I had the right to know what the heck happened to you, because there's something that's between us. I spent days worrying about you, wondering are you even going to come back, are you even alive?!"
You began shoving him and hitting his chest, but it's no use as it's like doing it to a wall. "And the first thing you did when you did was to see her! See my sister! How dare you?!" He caught your hands, holding them in place, asking you to stop. You wanted to do it more and be just angry, but you collapsed in his arms and sobs racked your body. You held it long enough, you couldn't anymore after all of that.
You heard Seth calling, and Jacob's grip on you became tighter.
"I can't understand you, Jacob! She's gone! She's married, she's starting a new life and she doesn't feel for you that way, because she chose him! She doesn't want you!" You yelled at his face.
"Stop it," he growled. It got to him, the tension in his jaw looks like it's about to break.
"Y/N, come on. Let's go," Seth urged, not wanting an ugly confrontation. You know it would not end well for you in case Jacob lost control, but your mind is clouded with your feelings to think straight.
Despite his hold, you managed to detach from him. "No! I had enough, Jacob! I am done with you! I loved you all my life, and I did my best trying to wait for you to just get over it and accept the fact that maybe you're destined with me!"
"I can't!"
"WHY?"
He went silent. Everything did. The plea etched on his face, but you demanded still.
"Because you're not her,"
The look of regret became evident on his face, but you know he wasn't sorry. Not even a little, not at all. You didn't know what it feels like to shatter into a million little pieces until this moment. Quite frankly, you shouldn't have asked. You did this to yourself. He ran away, because he couldn't bear you, and in return, he didn't just break you, he stole who you are, he stole your choices and your dreams. And yet, you still wanted him.
But he will always want her.
"Just remove it from me, Jacob. I don't want this anymore. I don't want to be unwanted anymore," you begged so softly heartbroken.
They both answered.
"He can't,"
"I can't." Jacob met your eyes, hesitantly he whispered. "You'll die."
"Am I even alive right now?" You scoffed bitterly.
You asked Seth to get in the car, so you could leave. Before you could get in the car, you spared the man who broke your heart with one last look.
"I wish I didn't love you,"
Time passed, and whilst Bella enjoyed her honeymoon, you locked yourself up in your room. Charlie was concerned, but you played it off by saying you just don't feel well. He didn't buy it, but didn't want to pry. You couldn't get up from your bed, and each day that creeps loses their meanings, and yet you haven't lost the feelings. You feel him still, and you think about that night and you cry about how you're just never going to be enough, and all those years of loving him didn't matter.
Seth was kind enough to check in on you everyday, and matter-of-fact he's the only one that can get through you. But the pain was becoming too much, it's immense weight was too much for you to carry. You can physically feel it tearing you apart, and you're losing sleep and all the things you could possibly.
You just can't take it anymore. If he doesn't want you, then what's the point of it all?
For the first time after God knows how long, you got off your bed, took a shower and enjoyed your cereal. Charlie was baffled, but was glad you're feeling fine now. And when you put on your shoes to leave, he asked, "Where are you going?"
You smiled poignantly. "Hiking,"
You took your time appreciating the surrounding, despite the harrowing climb to the top. There's something about how they look, as if someone put them in a different light. They're all so beautiful. Oh how will you miss them. It's a nice thing to see last.
When you reached the cliff at the top, you stood on edge, staring at the terrifying height between where you're standing and where it ends. Part of you screams how much of a bad idea this is, but the part of you so willing to end the suffering outweighs all the rational thought. All the events that occurred could never justify it, but you just need the voices to cease longer than a second; you crave a pause in your existence.
This will break Charlie's heart, you tears came at the thought of him. All those years with him, it's a shame this is how it ends. It wasn't his fault, and he will know that. All of them will be heartbroken, but they will live. They will find a way. Especially him.
You swallowed your worry, taking a deep breath. You closed your eyes and took the leap of goodbye. You felt the breeze brushing against your skin, you wondered if this is what it feels like to fly, because it feels so liberating- you're free. From him. From everything that hurts. You are so selfish. You know it. But so was he. Maybe that's the reason your fates crossed, maybe that's why the world wanted you to be together. Two selfish people for all things that's never theirs, but not to the ones they belong to.
Even if the world had intervened, he would still choose her.
And this is what you choose.
***
Endings I | II
That was crazy, I know. I have one thing left to say about this though: SETH DESERVED BETTER.
Oh, and thanks for reading!
