#lighthouse x

380. Lighthouse X - “Soldiers of love” Denmark 2016

No words shall be wasted on this empty, offensively generic song. There’s another “Soldiers of love” out there. Watch that one instead, because it’s infinitely better than this one.

379. Cascada - “Glorious” Germany 2013

I’m surprised Cascada don’t rank lower for me because I used to VISCERALLY hate “Glorious” since release for being a shameless “Euphoria” Rip-off, while also possessing NONE of the traits that made Euphoria great (artistry, emotional tension, avant garde beat, excellent choreography, universal hit potential). Even after all those years, “Glorious” is still terrible! Horrible live voice, hollow melody, uninspired act, Germany’s fetish for Mediocre White Women at its finest!  EVACUATE THE FUCKING DANCEFLOOR.

Having said that,  I mostly hated the Cascada fans though, who accused EMMELIE of copying “Euphoria” (oh the fuckin’ IRONY)  and since they’ve since dumped Natalie Hurler in Whateverstan after she flopped, so is it time for me to put her at the spot of my ranking where I retire my pet hates once I’m done raining hellfire and brimstone on them. 🤗

378. Demy - “This is love” Greece 2017

[2017 Review Here]

Oh look, it’s another of my pet hates!!! In this case though, there is SOME silver lining in that *the entrie 2017 cast* in Kyiv hated Demy for no apparent reason and it’s so hilarious. Remember this?

It even spread to mainland Greece where her entire career just DIED after Eurovision lmfao <3 However, all that drama makes her song easier to stomach because Jesus fuck this just a rearranged “Glorious” with a lot of Uncanny Valleyness blended into the mix (Demy looks like a BratZ doll to me?). Stop trivializing romance and compassion through cheap-ass songs, dammit! 

PS: I would advise against ever pausing the live performance, at any point through the song. It will give you night terrors. Don’t tell me I didn’t warn you!

377. Jessica Mauboy - “We got love” Australia 2018

[2018 Review Here]

Oh dear what to even add about Jessica specifically here, since her flaws I’ve already explained in other entries: Basic Bitch song, generic forgettable hollow message about ~love&peace~, complete failure at getting it across because the Aussie delegation *forgot* to cue in their own entrant on what the plan was, uninspired Sabotage Baptiste staging, etc. There’s nothing NEW to write here and that’s probably why the entire Jessican’t Maubore experience sucks: She just repeats the many inaccuracies and BorisBubbles pet peeves of those who came before her. Get this bland wench OFF my screen!

376. Tamta - “Replay” Cyprus 2019

GOD SO MANY THINGS WRONG WITH THIS. I actually made a tally (lol) and it’s too long to recap here, but I count about ~35 different individual items that SUCK. I’ll stick to the most poignant ones (while shoehorning as many of the small ones) the most important of which is of course FUEGO CLONE!! Actually lol, I wish “Replay” were even remotely like “Fuego”. It is very transparent in its intentions to capitalize on Eleni’s success, yes, but “Replay” sounds like a Margaret discography track, which is even WORSE *and* shamelessly rips off MARUV styling and staging concept *and* then proceeds to meander through the motions with manufactured sexual tension without any satisfying climax or end. For a song called “Replay” it has zero replay value. 

Poignant flaw #2 is the story told here. Now, I’m all about Tamtararam getting it if she’s tired of being lonely, especially since she’s old enough in Tamta years to be a grandmother/shitsing her body, but not a single woman is happy with being called at 2 am in the fucking morning for some casual hankypanky unless she’s either a sex worker or a vampire. The styling (wet hair look, Pennywise-like make-up, VA-JEWELLERY) further accentuates the general, female-objectifying slutpop vibe being emulated here. Poignant flaw #3 is... well the Sabotage Baptiste. CALLED it that Luca was her protégé this year and she would pass off the most unimaginative staging ideas to Tamta. The Broken White + Lavender colour scheme made "Replay” look like a frozen yoghurt commercial and ALL of the uninspired ‘special effects’ were predictable seconds before they happened. Most of them were also seizure-inducing. Por ejemplo, ¿qué es eso?