#light fluff

sypnosis:- the biggest mistake in your life was falling for katsuki bakugou and the biggest misunderstanding in your life was thinking that he was falling for you too.

warnings:- swearing, mentions of bullying, unhealthy relationship dynamics.

part 1 part 2 part 3

for as long as you could remember, bakugou was yours and you were his.

at first, it seemed that you two would grow up to be completely different, but you ended up becoming more like him than you were comfortable admitting.

you were naturally kind and loud, sweet but in a way that was overbearing to others. people didn't want to be your friend at first, considering you too loud, simply because you were a very expressive child.

you tried to not let it bother you, puffing up your cheeks and holding your nose up high whenever another kid at the playground refused to be friends and left your outstretched hand waiting, hovering in mid-air as they ran away.

but you were just a child.

you wanted to be loud, you wanted to be expressive...but you wanted friends too.

you sat on the playground, playing with fistfuls of sand as your vision turned blurry. suddenly, a pair of red sneakers came into view. you looked up to see a tuft of blonde hair belonging to a boy of your age.

you stared up at him and he stared back. then he huffed and crossed his hands over his chest, "what, you gonna cry now? i saw the way you ignored that extra over there when he didn't shake your hand. you cant cry now."

you stood up, puffing up your cheeks, "i can cry whenever i want. don't tell me what to do!"

he wasn't intimidated by your flailing arms, "ok crybaby. you can go back to crying. i just though you were cool back there for a second. guess i was wrong." he shrugged and started to walk away.

you wiped your face with your chubby fingers as his words ran in your head, completing a few laps before you grasped the meaning.

..cool?

he thought you were cool. you. when everyone else thought you were too overbearing, too clingy, too much. he had just called you cool, hadn't he?

your body reacted before your mind could as your hand reached out to clasp his arm, making him stop walking.

"..w-wait! you think i'm cool?" you stammered out in a rush of breath. he looked down at your hand holding his and back at your face, "i thought you were cool. i'm not sure anymore."

your eyes widened, "no..no..i'm cool. i'm so cool! i'm not even crying anymore see?" he turned back, one of his hands in his pocket, "..i guess you're cooler than before." your face broke out into a huge grin, "i am! and y-you're really cool too! i'm yn! wanna be friends?"

you dropped his hand and held yours out, silently preparing yourself for another rejection. you shut your eyes closed, shrinking into yourself slightly.

with every second that passed and you didn't feel his hand in yours, your heart dropped a little more. you scrunched up your eyes tighter, preparing yourself to open them and see him long gone. but then suddenly, you felt a slight weight on your palm.

your eyes fly open as you see the little boy holding your hand, shaking it not at all gently.

"i'm bakugou."

ever since then, you were two peas in a pod, connected at the hip by an invisible rope. if one of you was present somewhere, the other was not far behind. you were each other's person. teachers asked one of you where the other was when they were absent, your parents got a new son and his parents got a daughter.

however, things weren't all sunshine and rainbows. your relationship with katsuki was...conditional, which both of you were somehow oblivious to.

the closer you got to him, the more you shaved away parts of yourself unknowingly. you knew what you were getting into, being friends with him. you knew his gruff, bully behaviour. you had seen him kick midoriya around, tell him horrible words and the old you, the girl who was never afraid to say whatever she wanted to, would have immediately shut him up, would've happily stood infront of midoriya, shielding him.

but...you couldn't. you never partook in bullying midoriya, but you never stopped it either, fearing that you'd loose katsuki. the guilt ate you up, until you packed it all away and shoved it inside a box far into your mind.

every time katsuki picked on midoriya, the first thought that came into your mind wasn't 'i should help him.' or, 'i hope he can hold on.'

it was, 'i'm so glad i'm not the one in his place.'

and every time you thought that thought, you felt like puking. you couldn't believe you had turned into such a monster. but you learnt to store it all away. you convinced katsuki to leave midoriya alone, talking about how he was a loser that didn't deserve his attention.

the little girl who you had slowly disconnected from, scowled in disgust at your inaction and couldn't stand to watch you dig yourself into a deeper hole. she took your box of guilt and receded deep in your mind, until you had no idea how to ever get her back.

you and katsuki grew up together, and though neither of you ever labeled anything, it was clear to you that you were both more than friends. he was your first kiss and you were his.

one day, you were in katsuki's room, after having ate the dinner mitsuki prepared. you were lying on your stomach, on his bed, trying to catch up on some homework. he was sitting on his desk, soft afternoon filtered in through the window, falling on him. neither of you were talking and as you watched him work, you suddenly realized how.. ethereal he looked when he was relaxed.

this explosive boy who had in a way, saved you. you could not imagine your life without him. you felt a small smile creep on your face as you watched his peaceful form and before you knew it, the words were coming out,

"..i love you."

instantly, both of you froze. he turned his head to look at you, surprise and warmth in his eyes. you mirrored it back. his eyes softened as his ears turned bright red, "yeah yeah. i know you do. don't go getting all sappy on me now." he said as he turned back to work, visibly flustered.

you giggled. cute. you looked out the window, swinging your legs, your hands cupping your head, elbows on the bed. you closed your eyes against the soft breeze that entered the room.

the sound of the scribbles on paper as katsuki did his homework filled the room again, lulling you to sleep.

in all the comfort and warmth around you that day, you missed the fact that katsuki didn't say it back.

you were beyond happy. you felt like everything in your life was finally being set in place, with him by your side. you thought he felt the same.

neither of you ever labeled anything but you didn't need to...right?

you had moved into the ua dorms a few months ago. you and katsuki had already established a steady routine. you'd do your classes and then go to your respective rooms to study for a bit. then you'd go hangout with your classmates while katsuki went to train. the end of the day was always reserved for each other. you'd both go to either your's or katsuki's room, usually his and you'd simply end the day with each other.

some days, you'd go back to your dorm to sleep, most days you'd end up in his arms.

the routine was simple and comforting. it was never monotone, considering how unpredictable your hero studies was. you were happy and you thought katsuki was too.

the change started small, unnoticeable to everyone else but you. he would talk less, start seeking you out less. you brushed it off as him being tired at first. a soft, " 'm too tired." whenever you asked him to hangout. a muttered, "another time." whenever you asked him to come over to your dorm to watch a movie.

but soon enough, it became impossible to ignore when your weekly interactions thinned to zero. he was distancing himself and you had no idea why. you scrounged your mind, searching for somewhere you messed up, going through every conversation, every interaction but everything came up empty.

you wondered if he even knew what he was doing or if this distancing was unintentional.

something else also changed. he was texting more often and..he went out of the dorm a lot. not strange behaviour in theory, but for him to do this? it felt like the world had turned upside down. he would never go out without telling you he was leaving before but nowadays you barely saw him in the dorms.

your were being stretched thin. you couldn't focus on your classes and your friends started noticing your change in behaviour. you had to talk to him.

he was sitting on his bed, scrolling on his phone when you entered. "ok, what is it?" you sat down on the bed.

he looked up, eyes widening, "what's what?"

"you're acting really weird. you've been acting so weird for so long, what happened...did i do something?"

you expected him to shrug you off with a simple, 'nothing's wrong, 'm fine.' like usual so when he sighed and set his phone down, your heart dropped to your toes.

he hesitated. "..i have a girlfriend."

"...."

..what?

a girlfriend? you were his girlfriend. what the fuck was he talking about. you laughed nervously, "yeah ok. haha. you're a comedian. stop with the bullshit. what's actually going on?"

he scowled, "i'm not fucking lying. i got a girlfriend. her name's hana."

you just stared at him, your mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water, " 'suki..what the fuck do you mean, a girlfriend? you already have a girlfriend!"

his eyes widened as he gave you an incredulous look, "huh? no i don't?"

you were going to go insane.

"i'm your girlfriend!" you were shaking, your hands were trembling. katsuki looked even more confused, "no you're not?! yn what are you even talking about. we're not dating? we're just friends, for fuck's sake."

you could not believe your ears. there was simply no fucking way, "..what?"

"i never asked you out and neither did you. what in the world makes you think we're dating?"

"oh i don't know! maybe the fucking fact that we cuddle and hang out and tell each other i love you??" he looked confused. how dare he look confused? "you're my best friend. best. friend. that's it. that's all we are, all we ever were, yn."

you were shouting now, "do you kiss all your best friends, katsuki?"

he was standing now, his tone matching yours, "that was one fucking time, we were kids! it was just hormones." your vision was blurry, you could feel tears drip down your cheeks.

"are you seriously trying to say that everything that we had, our whole relationship was just...hormones?" you couldn't even see his face anymore, it was too blurry. he became reduced to a blonde and red smudge.

you couldn't even gather the strength to wipe the tears away. he crossed his arms and took a breath, lowering his voice, "look, i don't know what even gave you the idea. but we are not anything, yn. we were never anything. i have a girlfriend now and ..honestly she's been telling me how you act too clingy and shit and.. i get it now..i-i.. she told me to stop talking to you."

you felt sick. you were going to be sick. you could deal with katsuki not loving you back, but a life without katsuki altogether? you were going to throw up.

"w-wait..you..you're not going to listen to her right?" you hurriedly wiped your eyes to see him look at you with...regret?

fuck fuck FUCK nonono this could not be happening right now.

you took a step closer to him, "i-ok..i'm sorry. i read things wrong. but you won't leave me right? katsuki..you can't."

he shook his head. he wasn't looking at you. why wasn't he looking at you?

"look..i just think we both need a break from each other. we're obviously not in the same place right now. we need some distance."

you shook your head furiously, "no no no. you can't do this to me! you promised, katsuki. you promised you'd never leave!"

he looked pained, he opened his mouth but no sound came out. he was shaking now, "get out yn. please."

you were sobbing now, your sobs racking your body. "you can't..you just can't." katsuki looked like he was in physical pain. but he didn't do anything. didn't touch you, didn't try to comfort you.

you took deep breaths. you would not embarrass yourself any more. you were used to rejection. if the little you could hold her head up high then why couldn't you.

you straightened, "..ok then. i...i'll get going." you turned and walked towards the door. stop me katsuki. don't let me walk out katsuki.

but he didn't stop you and you walked out. you didn't turn to look back at him as you shut the door behind you.

you went to your dorm room as your world came crashing down around you. what now? is it really over? just like that?

your heart seized in your chest as you sat on your bed. your hand was twitching for your phone. whenever you unraveled like this, your first instinct was to go talk to him.

it was ironic. the only person you wanted to talk to about katsuki breaking your heart was katsuki.

i live only for gut-wrenching angst. so i hope i was able to do it at least a little justice <333

light yagami, who doesn't hesitate to write down the name of that pesky guy who keeps bothering you . . .

his ears perked when you mentioned his name - which you only knew because the guy had insistently told you it multiple times.

you were laying on his bed, playing on your phone while he studied at his desk. he lets you stay when he’s studying because he likes how you won’t bother him too much.

but you wanted to talk today.

you’re blissfully unaware of the two-meter tall creature in the corner, making side comments every so often while Light simply ignored him.

Light wasn’t laying much attention to your rambling until he heard a name. a male name.

“who is he?” he asked, making sure to put on a careful tone of simple curiosity. he won’t let the jealousy come up yet. not without answers.

you sighed before saying, “he’s this guy who is always outside my class when it finishes. he keeps asking for my number while shouting his at me.”

Light doesn’t make a sound, but he stops his quick pen work.

“And I always tell him to go away because I have a boyfriend but he always shows up the next day. He says it’s a pure coincidence that he’s walking by at the time I get out but I know it isn’t.”

“Has he done anything else?” He asks, pondering.

you hesitate for a second before saying, “yesterday he grabbed my arm when I tried to walk away.”

and so Lights mind was made up. He didn’t even glance at the drawer containing the deadly notebook, or at Ryuk in the corner, but the shinigami already knew what Light was planning.

“I’ll wait for you tomorrow and walk you out. To make sure he doesn’t try anything else.”

Light was true to his word. His brown head of hair was the first thing you saw when you left your classroom the next day, and you quickly rushed to his side.

“Thank you, Light.” You said, slipping your hand in his. His fingers stiffened for a moment, still getting used to casual acts of affection in public, but then held yours with calculated ease.

“No problem, really.” He said calmly. “It’s my duty. Just tell me when you see him.”

And sure enough, the guy was there. you gave Lights hand a small squeeze right before the guy approached you.

“So, have you thought about my offer yet-“ He starts before he’s cut off.

“No thank you, sir.” Light says, his jaw slight clenched. “She’s perfectly fine. I recommend that you start respecting people when they decline, otherwise there could be real consequences.”

You glance at Light, slightly surprised. He usually isn’t very chatty with strangers, keeping polite and respectful when he does talk. But this is a nice change.

The guy mutters something under his breath, but Light holds your arms and steers you away from him. He feels a small sense of approval towards Ryuk when he sees that the shinigami has placed himself at the other side of you.

Light glances back once, and takes a long look at the guys face.

That evening, he sits in his room with the Death Note open in front of him.

He had walked you home an hour earlier, asking if you were okay and that you could call him if you felt you were followed. After you walked inside, Ryuk told him, unprompted, that there was nobody suspicious in the area.

Light didn’t hesitate before writing the guys name down, picturing his revolting face in his mind for those seconds.

“Well, it appears you’ve gone soft.” Ryuk chuckles.

“Nonsense.” Light says, moving on to repeat the process of writing down criminals names. “I said I would rid the world of evil. He certainly isn’t good.”

That was the act justified in his mind. That has been his mission from the start, right? Even if the guy didn’t have an official criminal record, Light simply saw it as him cutting the evil in the bud before it grew. Besides, if he was bothering you, that’s reason enough.

Another thing that Light would make clear in his perfect world is that nobody touches what belongs to him.

This was something his mother taught him to take advantage of and use whenever he had to, whether it was because Daniel and David got into a fight over a girl they both liked, or his oldest brother Dominic and their father going at because of their different ideas on how to run the farm. "Stay quiet and keep your wits about you.", "Wait until they finished tearin' into each other 'fore you rip'em a new one."

Essentially it was to say that his mother was a very respected person in their household and trained him up to be the only other person who could tear into his brothers and father with the same sternness ands frigidness of a southern woman keeping her composure.

Which is how Dennis ended up here, in their living room, watching the Jack and Robby snark at one another after Jack got home with an injured shoulder after a bullet grazed him.

"You have a death wish!" Michael snarls as he tries to reach over and look over Jack's wound while said man backs away. "It's fuckin' fine." Jack slaps Robby's hands away while pulling the sleeves of his shirt and hisses when the sweat and blood soaked shirt sticks to the wound and pulls.

Michael scoffs, spinning around and going to the bathroom where the first aid kit is put away. "Yeah, because the sound you made was so reassuring." Jack shot him a dirty look before rounding on Dennis and giving him a slightly guilty and playful look when he saw Dennis standing on the other side of the couch, lips pressed thinly.

"I said I'm fine." Jack waves off Robby's second attempt at grabbing him to check him over before the annoyance spready across Jack's face again. "And I don't want to hear anything about death wishes considering your mid-life crisis is currently sitting in the garage, no fucking helmet in sight."

"And there it is." Dennis rolled his eyes subtly as Robby reared back and immediate frustration crossed his face and he started arguing back. "Let them fight it out." He watched as their argument escalated and they started calling each other selfish and suicidal for indulging in their interests. "What about Dennis, huh? How do you think he'd feel if you splattered yourself on the highway all because you didn't wanna wear a fucking helmet." This time it was Jack who threw his name out first and effectively brought him into the conversation, both their gazes snapping to him.

He had held back since the start of their relationship out of fear of overstepping because it was all so new and he worried he would be thrown out of the years long partnership the other two had developed. Now though, after they've continuously brought him into the argument and used the other persons love and affection for him as a dangling carrot and their constant reassurances that Dennis mattered in the relationship and that he was equally as valued, Dennis was done holding it in.

Dennis sighed, the other two had turned back to each other and it was clear that Robby was probably going to throw Dennis' reaction towards something to Jack because of his SWAT activities, but before he could even say a single word the calm and false sweet voice of their boy cut in.

"Jack?" The man in question turned to Dennis his mouth open to accept whatever agreement their boy was no doubt going to say to help him in his crusade against Robby's death machine. Only to freeze when he saw a completely false and tight smile was spread across Dennis' face. "Yeah, Angel?"

"Sit your ass down." Jack gulped as he tracked Dennis' quiet and measured steps towards he and Robby, and he dropped to the coach when Dennis reached them and snatched the first aid box out of Robby's hands. "Good boy. Michael?"

Robby jumped his eyes wide and cautious as he took in this complete shift in dynamic, usually he and Jack were in control with Dennis being a very willing submissive force in the room, now he couldn't help but shake a bit when he watched this new side of pretty boy. "Yeah, baby?"

Dennis slipped on some of the gloves, latex snapping loudly in the quiet room. "Sit down next to Jack an' keep yur mouth shut." The slightest slip of Dennis' accent was both the hottest thing Robby has ever heard and the most terrifying which made it very easy to comply as he threw himself beside Jack and watch Dennis take out the supplies he would need for disinfecting and stitching up the wound on Jack's shoulder.

Dennis was quiet for a moment as he unpackaged the tools he was going to use before cleaning the wound do he could examine it better, turning Jack to face Robby so that he had full visualization of said wound. "Y'all are both suicidal idiots." He disinfected the wound and surrounding area non-to-gently which earned him a hiss of pain from Jack and a wince of sympathy from Robby. And he shot both men a stern and cold glare when they opened their mouths to argue. "It's not a question. The two of you snap and snark at each other as if either one of you has the upper hand, which you don't because you're both doin' dumbass things tryn' to get killed."

His movements were precise and quick as he started suturing the skin together and he kept his gaze steadily on the wound he was patching up. "And while I can say that it kills me everytime you," his gaze flickers to Robby, "get on your damned bike with no helmet on. Or when you," he gaze snaps to Jacks face, "shoot up and start getting dressed the moment you hear your phone ring and hope it's SWAT. I won't, even if it does, because if it hasn't been enough to change your mind when you point this out to each other then I doubt me mentioning it will change that fact. Instead I will just say.."

The snapping of a glove makes both men jump as Dennis pulls them off and throws them aside. "Leave me out of your fuckin' argument 'cause it's clear that I don't matter enough to either of you to wanna stick around and live out the rest of your natural lives with me.' His voice goes quiet as he packs up the supplies and avoids their eyes. "I love you both but I fuckin refuse to be used in the argument against each other like a constellation prize if you stop doing dumb shit. Y'all wanna die or do you actually love me enough to wanna live and stay with me?" Dennis moves to the bathroom and put the medical supplies away before heading to his own room without a single glance back at a still frozen Jack and Robby. "Figure your shit out or don't fuckin talk to me again." The door slamming shocked both men out of their stupor.

"Are you hard as fuck right now too?" Robby asks with wide eyes and a gapping mouth, which makes Jack swat him on the back of the head. "Obviously. Not the point though. Pretty boy has a point, we've been doing this shit to each other longer than he's been alive and look at what that turned us into. We can't do that to him."

Robby nods, chastised and resolute. "We have to make it up to him." They nod in agreement. Jack's lips twitch and his expression turns a little dirty. "We're gonna get him mad with less dumb shit and then we're gonna fuck rough and dirty." Robby snorts and rolls his eyes. "Obviously.

ticci toby x dom!reader - word count: 2.5k

content: minors dni, smut, mommy kink, edging, established relationship, light fluf

this is based off my last post, hopefully it’s good 🤞🏻 ty to everyone who gave me inspo

Pairings: avatar! Lyle Wainfleet x fem mangkwan! Reader

Summary: quiet tension turns into certainty as unspoken feelings finally surface, pulling them together.. where jealousy fades, closeness deepens, and everything narrows the pull between them.

Warnings: weapon use, fluff, slow burn undertones, sexual content (oral sex fem!receiving , p in v) possessive/dominant behavior, jealousy, intense physicality… let me know if i missed anything!

Notes: i was quite literally racking my brain on how to write a part 2 for you guys but after multiple naps… I got it done yay! I’ve never written smut before so i hope you enjoy and ty for reading! BTW not proofread!

Word count: 4.7k

Translations: Skxwang - idiot/moron, Za’u - come, Ki’ong - slow, Kanfpil - concentrate, Srane - yes, Tsaheylu - mate/life partner, Oe-ya - mine, Niftxav nga oe - answer me, Fnu- quiet/be quiet, Kalin - sweet, Oel ngati sivi - i want you, Tse ‘ekxin - so tight, Muntxate - wife.

MDNI 18+ part1

Victory hums between you.

For a heartbeat, neither of you move.

His thumb lingers at your jaw,rough and careful all at once, as if he’s reminding himself where he is.

Outside, laughter rises.. feet pounding the ground, voices lifted in a song.

“You know,” he murmurs, almost amused. “Back on base, this isn’t exactly the regulation.”

You huff softly, tail flicking. “Good thing this is not your base.”

That earns a quiet chuckle from him.

Death Note ~Did you just fall asleep?~

Manga/anime: Death Note

Warnings: nothing

(Y/N): your name

After a busy day spent between university classes and intense studying, Light was still at his computer taking notes on the next criminals to write in his Death Note. His girlfriend (Y/N) was reading, sitting in the chair next to him.

About an hour had passed since he had started his research, and it was now late at night, but the boy didn't give up on his goal, to take note of at least thirty people to execute. At a certain point, though, he heard his shinigami, Ryuk, chuckle while at the same time he also felt a weight suddenly fall on his shoulder: (Y/N) had fallen asleep, and her head had slipped against him, looking for something to lean on.

Light was sure his heart skipped a beat when he saw his beloved's beautiful face, as he mentally traced all her face's features, from the curve of her mouth, which he loved to kiss, to her closed eyelids, and silently promised himself to make her the goddess of the world he would create and become the god of.

However, he soon began to notice how her chair, which was on wheels, was moving away from him and his girlfriend would fall to the ground, hitting her head, if he didn't do something, so his body reacted before his mind could process and decide how to act: his arms quickly wrapped around her waist, pulling her to sit on his lap, her head still resting on his shoulder. (Y/N) groaned in annoyance at the change in position and shifted a little, and Light feared she might wake up, but then he breathed a small sigh of relief when she calmed and stopped moving. Nevertheless, a light dusting of red immediately spread across his face (that made Ryuk laugh a lot, so he earned a dirty look from Light) as soon as she moved, clinging to him with her arms wrapped against his torso and her head in the crook of his neck.

After recovering from the insanely rapid beating of his heart, the boy squeezed his girlfriend gently to keep her from falling, and then went back to typing furiously on his computer keyboard to distract himself from thinking about the beautiful girl sleeping against him.

"Oh? What will your fans think if they know you're a softy for your girlfriend?"

"Shut up, Ryuk."

It was the dead of night in Japan.

All was quiet except for a medium-sized room in a Tokyo hotel, where the sound of a computer keyboard being pressed could be heard and a faint light coming from it through the window could be seen: L was still working.

"L?" The man was interrupted in his research on the Kira case by the voice he had grown to love, that of his girlfriend (Y/N).

"(Y/N)? What are you doing awake? You should be sleeping: you know, men should sleep about a third of the day, that's eight hours."

"But that means you also need eight hours of sleep... You've been there for hours, and it's the middle of the night; are you coming to bed with me? I can't sleep without you..."

"I'll be there in a few minutes, I'll finish my research."

"Then I'll stay here with you." After saying that, the woman grabbed a small armchair next to their bed and quietly dragged it to her boyfriend, and she curled up on it, absentmindedly looking at the computer screen with data she was too tired to read and commit to deciphering on it.

The rhythmic and regular noise of the keyboard and the presence of her boyfriend lulled (Y/N) into a deep sleep, so much her body slumped in the armchair and her head lolled a little until it rested on L's shoulder. And he, the greatest detective, the most analytical person in the world, who was literally never surprised, gasped and froze.

"Did you fall asleep?" Hearing no response, he turned his head a little, just enough to see her face, and he then blushed for the first time in his life: (Y/N) was what he could describe as the closest thing to an angel.

The man had to admit it wasn't a rational thought but, when he was with her, he always felt like all his rationality was canceled out and he was incapable of formulating a coherent thought. Was that the feeling of true love?

L was diverted from his thoughts by a warmth on his hand, which had unconsciously moved towards hers and squeezed it gently, and so he decided he had worked enough for that day: he rose from his crouch and, gently taking (Y/N) as a bride, he carried her to their bed, lying down next to her and falling asleep shortly after having taken one last sweet look at the gorgeous woman at his side.

💮 Rules 💮 Masterlist 💮

I'll be with you, always ও˖ ࣪⊹

𝜗ৎ tags/tw: miscarriage, fertility issues, heavy angst, hurt/comfort, established relationship, not proofread

ও˖ ࣪⊹ pairing: jason todd x f!reader

𝜗ৎ a/n: this has been sitting in my drafts for well over a year, it was technically the first fic I ever wrote but I never posted it. anyways, I've been battling whether I should post it or not, and I decided to. if you're going or went through something like this, just know you're not alone<3

When you met Jason Todd, he swore up and down that he'd never ever have kids. Or get into a serious relationship for that matter, he was far too broken, too hollow to ever give someone what they needed from a partner. At the time, you weren't interested in a relationship either, after dealing with your cheating ex you were pretty done for awhile.

However, time and feelings are a funny thing. Through your mutual friends, you both inevitably kept hanging out, and a friendship formed not long after. You were quick to forget your "no feelings" era, because the way your heart did happy laps every time it saw Jason's smile was concerning. His feelings for you came very much in the same way. Unannounced, agressive and strong, like a bullet being shot.

He didn't have a usual job, much less a usual life, it was not everyday that you got killed and then revived, it also wasn't everyday that you tried to kill your father after coming back. His trauma was a long deep running river that threatened to overflow the tide next to it, but.. With you it was so worth it. You were well and truly, perfect. It made him feel crazy, what sort of spell had you made to get him wrapped around your finger so tightly? He got giddy just hearing your name for heaven's sake! He was a scary vigilante, he wasn't supposed to act like a lovesick puppy.

Despite feeling strongly for eachother, you two battled off your feelings like they were the plague, while everyone but yourselves could see you were totally head over heels. To no one's surprise, you two eventually came around and got together after a few months of pointless fighting against something that was far too deep.

It had been six years from then. Three years married, three dating, and the only reason that Jason didn't propose to you sooner was the fact that he went through a lot of therapy and did a lot of inner work to become the man you deserved, because for you, he was willing to fight the scariest demons his mind posessed.

Now, you were ready to start your little family. One of the things that always worried you was his insistence on the fact that he'd be an awful dad, therefore he would never have kids. But what you didn't know was that as soon as Jason came to terms with the fact that he loved you all those years ago, and that you some miraculous way loved him back, all he could think about was how much he wanted to marry you, and how much he wanted to make you the prettiest mother in the world.

What none of you ever accounted for was the fertility issues. You had been trying for a few months when you started to worry, and there was nothing on this planet that Jason hated more than seeing your devastated face anytime your period came once again, so he always soothed you, whispering "There is nothing wrong with you, love. You're just stressed, we'll have our family one day, yeah? I love you.", while you sobbed into his arms at night.

There was, however something wrong with you indeed. After all the missed attempts you went to the hospital, and the doctors told you what you dreaded to hear. Fertility issues. Low chance of pregnancy. Any pregnancy will be of high risk. That day, you cried so hard you almost blacked out, it was a wonder how all the water from your body didn't get drained. And even then, Jason held you through it all, physically and mentally, because you were sure that if not for him, you wouldn't have persisted for so long. You thanked all that was holy for your husband, because not once did that man utter anything less of loving and supportive words in you ear. Never did he plant a kiss on your skin that was not utterly filled with love and adoration. In your head, you were broken, but to him? Oh God, to him you were the most perfect being on this Earth and he would not let you crumble.

When your period took too long to arrive three months ago, you didn't dare to hope. Honestly, you didn't even want to take a pregnancy test, after all, there had been times where the same happened and you ended up curled in bed crying. But, like always Jason gently encouraged you, and after one, two, three, four positive pregnancy tests, you were overjoyed. It couldn't be wrong this time, and it also couldn't be more perfect. Jason hugged you like his life depended on it and once again, his presence, his touch, it all kept you grounded, it kept you intact under the sea of emotions you were feeling.

The next day he arranged an appointment for you. After going to the doctor's and hearing that you were one month pregnant already, and that so far you and the baby were healthy, you felt like your life couldn't get better. Jason immediately stepped down from being a vigilante, he wanted to be there for every step of his baby's life, and he also would never forgive himself if he ever ended up leaving you two, so he wouldn't risk his life. He got a normal job at Wayne Enterprises, curtsy of Bruce Wayne who had spent the last few years becoming the father Jason needed (he was also overjoyed about becoming a grandfather soon).

Finally everything felt like it was right. You and your husband had a fairly normal life, you were going to start a family, the baby was healthy, the nursery was being made, you had plushies for the baby already, you-

Everything crashed down on what seemed like a normal sunday. It was a beautiful day outside, and you had stayed home, having a very high risk pregnancy and all. You had done nothing more than sleep and talk to your baby, you two even listened to music together (someone had to pass down their superior music taste). That was until you went to the bathroom after lunch. You felt a weird faint pain but didn't think much of it, that was until you looked down and the metalic scent of blood invaded your nose.

At first you couldn't believe it. Surely you were having a nightmare, because this could not be happening. You were frozen on the toilet, barely breathing as you looked at the blood, the very real blood that signalled that your baby wasn't okay. It was too much, and you couldn't move, couldn't breathe, couldn't cry, it was all blood blood blood blood...

Jason arrived home from work a few hours later. Hours? Minutes? You didn't know anymore. All you knew was the blood. The blood and the fact that you remained on the same spot, unmoving, completely shattered. He called for you but you didn't answer. It didn't take him long to find you, and when he did he immediately understood.

"Oh, sweetheart, I'm so sorry." Was what you were able to make out, a heavy low murmur that ricocheted on the walls, embracing you and trying to keep you there. In a second he was kneeling in front of you, cradling you in his arms, kissing your head, talking about hospitals, and what could you do if not let him take care of you? Almost mechanically you got out of the bathroom and got ready to go to the hospital.

On the ride there he held you hand. He held you when the doctor told you that you had miscarried. And most importantly, he kept you grounded when the shock finally wore off and you weeped on the hospital corridor. You kept asking "Why?" over and over again and he comforted you, tried his best to give you the peace he barely had in himself, because for you, he'd carve out pieces of his soul if it meant you'd feel the slightest bit better.

When he told his family they were devastated, and in an attempt to make you feel better, the two of you were invited to dinner two weeks after. Jason assured you that if you didn't feel well enough to go, no one would hold it against you, but you wanted to be away from your apartment for awhile. The nursery was left untouched and you spent too much time in there, like somehow looking at the stuffed animals would make you wake up from this nightmare.

The dinner was going well, everyone tried their best not to mention anything, no one had so say anything when the silent hugs you received said more than what spoken words managed to say. You could see why your therapist told you to socialise, it was really helping to keep your mind off everything that happened.

At some point, Bruce turned to you and gave you a kind smile. "How are you feeling?" You gave him a tired smile and shrugged, but you could see in his eyes that he was also mourning. Everyone was. And suddenly the damn burst once again, and you were repeating 'I'm sorry' over and over again, Jason tried to soothe you and gently guided you to his childhood bedroom.

You didn't even know who you were apologising to anymore. To Jason? To his family? To everyone for ruining dinner? To yourself and to the baby you lost? No one blamed you, but no one was needed for that when your mind existed. Jason held you for what felt like hours, whispering about how none of this was your fault and that everything would be fine. It seemed hard to think it would, but... No matter how hard this was you knew that he'd be there to make everything okay once again.

You would get through this together, like you always did.

⎯⎯⎯⎯ 𝐖𝐀𝐋𝐊𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐙𝐎𝐌𝐁𝐈𝐄 ✦

content warnings. ⸝⸝ fem reader, heavy angst, heavy derealization , multiple personalities, no proof read, reader is suffering from mental illness, emotional intimacy, long storyline, pretty personal fanfic, extreme depression, loneliness, self hatred, emotional exhaustion

you open the notebook that you bought a couple days ago. it was built into your head that you’d finally sit down and figure out what truly was wrong with you. but you knew, and the truly unknown inside of you knew, the notebook that was open would probably stay open for the rest of the night.

any time you managed to conspire a thought, your hands would catch your face and rub it as if you’re trying to grind the derealization out of your brain, hoping you’d find a way to not feel so stuck and not real. you’ve asked yourself so many times, what about reality didn’t mix well with you as a being and your brain? why did it have to torture you?

you stir in your chair, your brain starting to acknowledge the tiny lamp on your desk, how it was too hot. then you noticed the heat building up on your nape. the discomfort hit you like a semi truck. it happened almost every time you tried to process your feelings.

discomfort.

you become too aware of your body, your touch. your biggest sensory issue was your senses. it wasn’t just one, it was all of them; hearing, feeling, seeing, taste, and smell.

your skeleton felt too heavy, your sternum felt misplaced, the meat on your body felt like you were weighing down your skeleton, making it all groan from the weight.

your thoughts are little trains, the railing wrapped around your brain to ensure the loop would continue on and on. your curiosity couldn’t help but latch onto one. you didn’t let go of it like a normal person, though. you let it consume you, let it eat you alive. because that’s the only thing you knew how to do when it came to thinking, let the darkness eat you alive and hope (in a hopeful light) that it would get old and leave you alone for the other train of thought predators.

but when the thought trains went on for too long and didn’t leave you for the rest, the only way to reach you as a person was to watch something that was familiar, something that could get the person inside you to jump with excitement. though, it wasn’t a huge leap from being a dud ball, it was something, and it was small. whether it be a small tug at the corner of your smile, eyes lighting up when your face is deadpanned, eyes widening just for a flicker, or, weirdly enough, your ears twitching.

nobody noticed it, though, except rafe.

you two have been dating for two years. you’ve seen his ups and downs, and he’s seen you… down.

you don’t have a personality. you give a soft smile, maybe a laugh. your voice doesn’t get excited like the other girls he’s been with, your personality isn’t explosive or catering, you’re just there.

you can’t even remember how you and rafe got together or even came across one another. you two are in two totally different worlds. you’d honestly be lying if you said you didn’t feel insecure and uncomfortable with the thought of your relationship.

when in public, it’s even worse. it’s like your skull wants to cave in on itself because of all the stares. you’re so self conscious it makes you want to throw up. it took rafe some time to adjust to you, to adjust to your ‘unique’ personality. rafe insists that you’re just laid back and there’s nothing to worry about. he likes it, but the insecurity feels like it’s digging its hole into the middle of your ribs.

you love him more than you love yourself, but you can’t help but resent him for even liking you, for even torturing himself by considering dating you. you’re angry, so sad, and yet stuck. you want to say so many things to him, yell at him for even considering dating someone like you, tell him to find self worth and fuck off, but you just shut up and swallow it down.

your hands basically have the outline of your face. your hands were the safety net when the world was being harsh to you. when your feet are gliding across the sidewalk because you feel so levitated and out of body, when your mind goes cloudy and you get stuck in a warping process of nothing, your hands become the safest place for you.

not because it’s basically a quick fix for your problems, but because you can’t see anybody, nobody can see the window to your corrupt soul, and nobody can talk to you because your brain doesn’t register that they’re talking to you—everyone disappears, but most importantly, you disappear.

you’ve managed to jot down something in your notebook; ‘i am so convinced i’m unlovable that his love feels painful.’ you let it sit in your vision, then sigh. the truth makes you uncomfortable. but it’s so true. it was not because you wanted to reject him and his love, but because accepting his love would require accepting that you might be worthy of it, and that’s the one thing you can’t bring yourself to believe.

you aren’t fighting rafe about it, though. you’re silently fighting the possibility that he might actually be right about you, and you would rather believe you’re broken than risk believing you’re worthy and being disappointed.

the door opened, and your eyes slowly lifted from the notebook, looking at rafe through the mirror in the corner of your room.

“hey baby.” he coos softly, walking toward you slowly. he didn’t receive a response from you. your gaze was acknowledging him. that was how most of your conversations went. he did most of the talking, not you. but he understood, understood everything going on inside your head even though he never experienced it.

he swallowed, looking over at you. “i made you somethin’. didn’t catch you early enough last night—you were already fast asleep,” he said softly, careful to keep any edge out of his voice. he was always so cautious around you, but in the best way. not because he was afraid of upsetting you, but because he respected you.

“what?” you asked quietly, your eyes never leaving him. a smile spread across his face before he slipped out of the room. a moment later, he came back carrying a plate with scrambled eggs and a sandwich. “pretty good, huh?” he asked with a quiet laugh, the sound barely more than a breath through his nose. “oh, wow. delicious,” you deadpanned, though the small laugh that followed gave you away. “how thoughtful,” you teased, a soft smile tugging at your lips.