#lifewithbirch

We tend to hold on to what's not healed because it provides us the control and comfort we deeply crave. It allows us to circumvent time and space, manipulate our relationship with the self and others. We think if we hold onto what happened to us, we have the right to punish, hurt, and charge. We do so and form an entire identity; steadfast on control of the world around. We manipulate, punish, and demonize falling flat to victimhood kept by a moment or moments in time. Trauma has the ability to freeze or free us. When I talk or write about my depression, it is for me to move through. I know when it creeps because it takes me painstakingly low. I cannot push or pretend it away. I have fear around, which is very real to me. I'll never say, "fuck my fear and run" because that would be like fucking and running from myself, a part of me anyway. I am open with this part of me because as it no longer controls and comforts me. While pain has dripped from my lips, so has triumph and glory. I do not frown upon someone else's pride for I know what it's like to come out and overcome. It is a victory lap deserving of all. We never know where we truly meet others, love them and hold space for them anyway. At times, I've been asked to be the face of depression or to have me tee it up in my bios for interview. Truths is, I don't pair myself as depressed, nor will I plant such words as my identity for it is not my whole. I will, however, walk the line of vulnerability as my armor and fervor. That is my identity and what makes me human. I am many things things and have many faces, all in time and space. We heal in waves and look back through blinks. The path of healing is a lifelong battle of breaking open and staying soft. Such pain is necessary and has the ability to keep you small as well as the ability to stand you tall. The journey of living through it all. Start chipping away what's become frozen within and let the warmth of your courage take down deep. You've been here before and the only way to heal is to feel yourself through. #writeyourheartout

Looking back, I still hear these giggles. Three years ago, B at age two, a family of virtually opposite schedules. Today, that still remains. This would be the start of B writing a giant X on our front door, like a gatekeeper, of no pass-through, in hopes we would all spend more time together. Three years later, it seems we've only added to such divide. The start of kindergarten, a full day at that. Additions to my teaching, writing, and photographing schedule. Steve in full swing furniture building -- sometimes it can feel like everything is up in the air. How to keep track of it all. I have a hard time committing to things, people, and places because our family business schedule runs in present time, even at the drop of a hat. I'm certainly grateful for this untraditional way of life, there's no manual, sometimes no security. Some days feel like a grand chase, which is exciting and scary all at once. Some days I wonder if I'm doing this right. And I don't mean right as in vs wrong, rather right on this path. I coach others about balance on their mat/in life, yet my life is a reflection of juggle. Maybe that's simply become a part of my balance. It's strange to have so many avenues and balls and challenges and yet feel wildly at peace with it all. Maybe it's because we ridiculously love what we do. Sometimes I think my mind attempts to question as if to say, "you must stress like the rest, you must do like the rest." Believe me, I do. At times. And I feel it coming, like a boil to a lifted lid. This has been a major growing pain of year; we've moved, B in school has been challenging (the obvious misses of mom and me days and also not obvious like handling other behaviors and school grinding in the public system), and we spend much less time than I ever imagined. Perhaps this is why I'm such a homebody, because time. It's like a family-body. Because dancing, singing, cooking, telling jokes, funny faces, making messes, and being that weirdo family with no pants is something that only happens in the moment. And when it's all three of us, it's all that really matters. Time, it is misleading. We think we can bank it, but we can only live it. #family

You've got it going on, baby. #lovealltheway #lifewithbirch #wordiness