#lifewithanorexia

My bf’s co-worker,C (a female),triggers me. She is also my co-worker as well,but she sits in the same building as my bf & makes jewelry as well. She is about 21-22,about my height and she triggers me because of her body type. It’s sad really. Nothing against her as person otherwise and I mean that. However, occasionally she will go with my bf to the climbing gym after work about 45 minutes away and I am triggered also by that whole experience because I usually sit at home. Only because I cannot afford to go every time they do (they both are paid more because of their degrees and what they can do for the company lol). It also doesn't help that because I am pretty sick in my relapse with anorexia,that I cannot climb well or for very long. At one point a few years ago this was not the case and I was climbing outside a lot and it became apart of my life. It hurts that I cannot climb on that level anymore and one day I hope that I can find the strength again. I am not thinking he is cheating on me by any means,that’s not the point and it only comes around when I have nightmares of him being taken hold of a manifestation of Lord Voldemort aka Ben Hiatt aka my rapist/abusver of three and half years. Sometimes if I have seen C that day,then her face might take shape of the woman in the dream I see this manifestion fucking. It fucks me up and I self harmed the other night for the first time since September of 2016 because he said he was going climbing Monday night. I self harmed because I didn’t want to have that dream again. It shakes me to the core.

Today's details so far ~ It is 77 degrees I feel like a heavy block of hematite And am so bloated I swear if you pricked me with a needle I would pop. I am also irritated and having a difficult time staying focused today more than usual. Like listening to anyone talk sounds like a lecture hall professor that has been droning on for hours..