It has been a hectic first quarter of 2024, but it flew by so fast! In my previous job, the first quarter did also feel excitingly swift with the post-Christmas company holiday blues, company conferences, company Holy Week break etc. Then comes April and everything suddenly gets caught in slow motion coupled with the scorching weather. It truly is a torment, year after year. The 2nd and 3rd…

One of the things that I need to acknowledge in transitioning is that I am not the only one transitioning.  There is a huge population of people who are actively trying to make themselves better through this process.  They, like I, have intentionally made the decision to push forward, to challenge their own boundaries and their own preconceptions of the world.  We all have found that changing our minds about gender, sexual identity, or something else is what is needed to chart a better course in life.

As you all well know though there are others that have been pulled on this journey along with the initiator.  Parents, siblings, friends... children, and life partners.  They all get involved whether or not they choose to be involved in transitioning.

This is not a new concept, events change all the time without people's permission.  Natural disasters happen and change the landscape of a town.  Accidents happen to permanently alter people's lives, or worse yet take their lives and leave the survivors having to figure out what happens next.

But with transition there is a *person* at the middle of all of this.  Whether or not that person wanted to be at the middle of all of this!  There's someone to focus on and someone to influence going forward.  And there's a source to come back to when things get tough in life.

Because when people around the person transition that forces them to take very hard looks at their own lives, even if superficially.  I now have seventy-five coworkers who have been ordered by my HR department to call me by my requested name.  I am sure that many may have their opinions of whether or not I should be doing this.  Some have shown amazing support already!  But others without any external signs may have misgivings, whether social, political, or spiritual.  My doing this has challenged them to examine their current way of thinking or else they wouldn't have misgivings.  My transition has forced them into a miniature transition of their own.

But for those closest to the person transitioning -- the parents or siblings of transitioning children, or the partners or children of transitioning adults -- this means that so many different aspects of their lives have to be looked at.

As I have been pondering this idea, it is as if they've been cast away onto a deserted island.  They have been given tools -- their relationships with other people, their current support structures, their relationship with the person transitioning, whether or not they're getting mental help.  With those tools they have to make it into the next morning, into the next week, and into the next year.

In the immediate short term they have to use those tools to find food and to build a shelter from the storm.  This is analogous to trying to understand the transitioning person and trying to figure out how to best serve their own needs and wants with that transitioning person in mind.  Do they want to spend time being around them to get more used to it?  Do they want to limit contact so that they have time to process?  Can they work with different names and pronouns if necessary?  In the short term how can they still be comfortable in their own lives?  It's almost as if they're trying to figure out how many coconunts and how many bananas to pick, what balance in their lives can they achieve?

In the long term they get to use those tools to go along two different paths.  They can choose to either build a structure to last on the island -- living in the brave new world of the transitioning person, being a part of their lives going forward, and learning to be comfortable or at least accepting with whatever new relationships and new characteristics go with this transitioning person.  This tropical island may be even better than where they used to be in the past with this person.  I have met many transgender people who are so much more comfortable with themselves, I would possibly be sad to have known them prior to this when they could not be open and honest.

The other path that they can go down is to build their liferaft off the island.  This would be to sail to a different relationship, a different paradigm, even if it is to not have the transgender person in their lives at all anymore.  Their own intelligence, their relationships, trusted professionals, all can help a person caught up in an unwilling transition to be able to understand what they do need and whether or not they need to leave this deserted island permanently.

These tools -- they help a person to find themselves.  Just like a saw can cut wood which is a far better way to obtain materials than, say, flotsam, a therapist can help a person come to a far better understanding of themselves to figure out what they need in life and how to go forward.  Familial relationships can give a safe space to explore yourself, just like an umbrella held over a fire may cook food better than having to eat raw.  

Just like there are no absolutes in life, I would encourage all participants in a transition to both build permanent structures as well as outfitting their life rafts.  It is okay to push down both the path of acceptance as well as the path of reanalysis/escape at the same time!  Life can absolutely change in a heartbeat and even if you found yourself on a deserted island, things on that island may change too.  No one person is absolute either.

What scares me though is the common denominator with all of the above.  A transition requires work.  A TRANSITION REQUIRES WORK.  And there are times that people have to transition and do not want to put in work.  The tools are there but they are completely useless unless they are utilized.  Effort must be expended and this is where people in general fall flat.  Especially when people are forced to work, there is oftentimes an undercurrent of resentment and unwillingness.

This is the biggest issue with people who are transitioning looking at the others in their lives.  I hope that you realize that just because you personally found that you needed change and started making those changes that you have also effectively forced the people around you to change too.  And sadly many people do not want to change, or they have a hard time with change.  The person transitioning -- you are a cross between a demanding work supervisor and a rah-rah inspirational TED talk.  The people in your life can choose to get with the program and to take your encouragement.... or not.

Transitioning people can see all of the many benefits of life change in their lives and wonder why others can't see the benefits.  It takes work and desire to get there.  We can only hope that the payoffs for everyone else are as great as the sacrifices that are being made.  For some, it's not -- partners especially who may see their sexuality being challenged, parents who had a vested interest in their child's identity and do NOT want to have the child make it much more difficult to get through life... these people really have to work very hard and it may seem that even in the short term they get so little results.  This can lead to their extreme disillusionment and disinterest in continuing to work.

I am NOT saying to people transitioning to slow down, to think of others, to stop, to revert.  I am saying though that you need to keep in mind all of the people around you too and as a fellow human being you can be as much harsh work supervisor or inspirational TED talk as you want to be.  The patience that others work to build for you, I hope that you've also built that reserve of patience and grace for them as well.