Life update: I actually have a sort of life now?
Career wise? I finally enrolled my self on a Virtual Assistant course, then became lazy for a few months.. I joined this 30-Day BootCamp and so far I have been receiving replies from employer and have yet to schedule some informational meeting and stuff so fingers crossed I can get at least one job from it lol.
Dating life? Surprise surprise! I have one 😂 I must admit I did not expect to meet anyone or even agreed to meet in person. I did because we actually had a good conversation. He's not a pervert like most men I met online. That's already a bonus haha. We've been on a 2nd date so far... And I have thoughts a lot of them. Yeah it's not enough that I have been ranting on 3 of my X accounts. I have 5 🤭 and also I introduced him to my mom only because I was so annoyed mama was bombarding me with chats like I'm a teenager. I thought why not introduced him so she could know him and she would shut up. It worked she seemed okay with him now. It's weird cause she's the one now saying "he's an American citizen right? So you'll live there in the US?" Excuse me? It's the freaking 2nd date. Let's not go there. But I also wanted to mention when we were talking about our family dramas and about past relationships.. he mentioned about wanting a bunch of kids?! Yeah no joke lol. I'm surprised he mentioned it cause knowing he grew up American like that's supposed to scare them but it actually scared me. As someone who's actually still not thinking of marriage and kids at 33, my brain was panicking. Tho he did ask if I wanted them I said I'm not sure then asked again if I liked kids and I said yeah. Then he went on and said he wanted a bunch of kids and asked me my age "and you're what?33? You could start popping twins or triplets?!" In my head I was like excuse me?! And who's gonna carry them? You? I really wish he was joking.
First of all, I do not even know if when I want to have kids. Do I think about having one, I mean sure but I have to say I am scared of childbirth. The mere thought of it scares me, what if I die?! And also if ever I'd have children? I don't want that many. Jesus. Because who's gonna take care all of them. Maybe one is fine and maybe just maybe 2 tops. Not more than that. Sorry too many kids it's not for me. It's not even just about the money like the attention and care you have to give. I don't know but I just value myself more. I just really think a woman can't just be define a mother. She can be her true self even without kids. I don't know if that makes sense.
When I agrees to meet him in person, what I really wanted was to put myself out there. I never dated or had a real relationship and I wanted to try and see what the fuss is about. It is kind of fun but is it weird thoughts come into my head like "maybe I'm not the relationship type" on a 1st date?!
Many things I did not like.. like too many skinship.. maybe it's just he's American side I don't know. It's ok to assist me like touching the my back but not all the time and I don't like being touched on my upper back when sitting together. I know it's supposed to be a sweet gesture. But I'm not so crazy about it. I don't like the lovey dovey thing that couples do even for myself... Not sure maybe it's because after I promised myself not to cry over a man 12yrs ago I closed myself in opening myself to another man. I am not man hater but I do wanna say I think most men are scums of the earth. Not all of course I mean I lovey dad, brothers and a very few male cousins. But I'm very attention to their attitude that if they do something shitty, I'm out. No questions asked.
And the fact that I was sexually assaulted by my 2nd cousin back when I was a child. When that happened to me, I was too innocent to know what he did to me, also he also did it to my other male cousin (I'm not sure if he remembers it but I think he doesn't) he doesn't cause I never thought I'd actually see the pdfile last December. No one in my family knows, only a few friends who saw me tweet about it. I tried my hardest to avoid him that day but it still lead me to him and back to our home. I went to my brother's room and cried it all out still w/o any of them knowing it. I just had to pretend he wasn't there. Glad he didn't tried to talk to me or I'll break down. That's one of the big reasons I think I can't open up to any man aside from that other asshole at work before who ruined all the other men for me. That asshole who also took advantage of my drunken state. I hope he's having a miserable life right now. Lord I'm sorry.
So I'm crying right now remembering all the horrible things that I experienced that I think the reason why I'm so closed off ofm men. After all that, I thought myself to believe I did not need any man if all they bring to me is pain and trauma.
With or without men I am fine on my own.
I'm not afraid to have feelings for anyone what I'm afraid of that I would never have feelings towards any man because my heart doesn't want to open up again. And I'm not sure my heart can open up to him, he said he likes men and been talking about meeting his mom next year and here I am not sure if I would still be talking to him cause my feelings for him wouldn't ever grow. I scared would just waste his time. Tho I do enjoy talking to him but maybe I just enjoy talking to a friend. Bakit di ko gusto ng skinship nya? Is it be trauma? This is why I didn't try dating anyone and just be snobbish to men who try to talk to me. I don't want my time or their time to be wasted. I'd rather save ourselves of heartbreak rather than trying at all.
I want to finally tell my mom, my trauma. I'll finally do it in the morning. I have to. I should at least try. Maybe to take some of the pain and trauma away.
I still hope to find that person who'll make me feel the love I've always wanted and deserve. But first, I want to heal and get a career. Cause I can't be broke and traumatized. That's too much lol.
