wandering minds

We just got home from the trip last night. It's like the longest trip I ever had maybe because it was and we went to 3 different places in 2 countries. I wanted to share how exciting and fun the trip was but now I'm in tears about something else. Before the trip my mom and I keep talking my career plans. That I should get a job for myself and help with a few expenses which was fine by me. If I could I really wanted to help since no one else can help since I'm the first born.

I know people especially relatives have comments about my life. I'm not mad about it. And I don't know what they talked about and I don't even know how they knew about my career choices. I know when I resigned I realizes that maybe I left too early and abruptly. I could not take my job and got my emotions get the best of me. But I knew in myself that wasn't the job I wanted to stay. I could've stayed a few months but what's done has been done. And I even thought the special person I had understood me. I will understand if he has his own opinions but he never tried to communicate with me before hand.

I know and understand what my mom is trying to tell me about not getting into my emotions with jobs. I know she's just being straightforward but it's like she forgot what I went through. When I was crying and stressed out with my job, she was the one getting worried about my mental health and saying something like it's better if I don't work than seeing me that way. It's like she reminded me of the pain I suffered at that time. But I do understand her side, taking all the financial burden. I am well aware the things I should give focus on right now and hoping to get hired soon and also hoping my future plans will push through.

I met my highschool friends again after 2 years i think. Friends who both are working and living abroad. While I am very excited to meet and reminisce with them there is this certain sad feeling I have because it's been so long that I have been dreaming to live abroad. I mean when you're Filipino and don't have generational wealth and sick of the hard life it is here, who wouldn't want to live here. I mean there are Filipinos who still wants to live here or who are comfortable here but I am not one of those people. I'm even sick of my own hometown and do not wish to settle here. I don't see my life here, for a very long time I have thought of that yet I did not do anything to make a move.

I know it's too late to regret. But I still can't help but regret I didn't try harder in getting a regular job after leaving davao. I tried but quit immediately. I thought if I could do something I'm passionate about I'll be happy. Even though I did do my passion business for over 6 years yet I still felt burnt out in the end. How can you not, when you only break even or even less. I remember saying I'm burnt out last 2022 but waited until November 2024 to get a BPO job. Like why the fuck did I waited and did nothing. I was contented with earning pennies as long as I don't have to spend so much going out. Do I have generational wealth? I simply do not. Now after starting work again after a few months and being unemployed again for a few months. I realized, I can never be idle at home. I don't think I can be a housewife either. I would still want to work so I could feel useful. And who wants to be broke forever?!? Certainly not me. I don't want to be an embarrassment to my mom anymore. I can't be a useless eldest daughter in an Asian household. Especially that my brother is not of help, with matching panunumbat. And also I want to help, not of obligation but because I want to give my parents the carefree life they deserve.

On the continuation of meeting my highschool friends again.. both of my friends are nurses in other countries. And one which specifically a nurse in Germany. I have always been amazed of this friend of ours, he's always been careful with money so now he was able to renovate their family home and bought 50k worth of furniture and appliances for his parents. I was envious in a way I was impressed because not only he can afford it but he loves his parents enough to buy those things for them. If I could, I'd give the world to my parents because I know there have worked hard to give us a good education and a comfortable home. Which clearly my brother doesn't share the same sentiment with me. Anyway, because for the past few months it has been a hell applying for jobs and getting interviewed. Just when you thought you were hired, then you're not. But I always see it as a Rejection is Redirection. And thought, it's probably not gonna be a good workplace anyway or it's not for me. The job market has been tough in general especially in this freaking town. I'm just sad this country has such high expectations for applicants but fail to give good rates and benefits. You sometimes have to settle to literally anything now just to get by.

That's why I have to think of ways to get the fuck out of this country. But don't get me wrong, of course I love this country I mean yes because it's my home and if money weren't an issue I'd travel all over PH but sadly, with being a 3rd world and the greedy politicians and oligarchs I'll be dead before this country improves or very 1st world. Other than I have been dreaming of living in Europe. I mean if people I know can go and have a good life there. Why can't I?

I do have thoughts on the ways I can start just not sure if I can push through it. Because realistically. I need tons of money. I wish i could do it in a year which I know is a bit of a stretch. But hey, a girl can dream. Maybe I'll just find a rich foreigner to sponsor me haha, but kidding a side I hope this can really happen. I am so sick of being stagnant all my life. I feel like the past 20 are was all a blur. Like was I on a coma cause I simply didn't do anything for the past decade to improve myself, I even managed to be unemployed again after getting employed again m. Like what the fuck was I doing? My audacity. Who do I think I am? A nepo baby? The nerve of me. This isn't just for my family this is also for me. To have the life i have dreamt of for my family and for myself. I'd rather be alone & homesick in another country than be with my family but I'm not happy. I might get myself a nice European man there. The type of man who would accept me for who I am and not ask me what I have to bring to the table (can't even wait till I sort my life out)

Had a thought again...

So for the Nth time I'm rejected again. Just when I thought I finally found a company who'll hire me, back to zero nanaman. I really don't want to regret resigning from a job I thought I really hated. I really did not know at that time why I was so unhappy. I couldn't stop crying, it got the worse of me. I became so negative that I hated everything about that job & company. It even affected my relationship. Even though it was WFH it felt so toxic that I even cover my PC when I'm not working cause I feel like the job was staring right into my face. Even after a month, I still feel I didn't regret it. I felt like a weight was taken off my shoulder. My mom and him said I looked lighter and not stressed.

I declined the job I was supposed to transfer because I realized it also wasn't for me even after staying for 2days and 2hrs. I was so positive the first few days, I was just happy to get out from my previous job. Then tried another BPO company and failed again. I was embarrassed not only for myself but also to my friend who I dragged to that supposed job. She had to go back because she needed a job to pay her bills. Which I understand. The. After few more weeks some interviews here and there. Even the ESL job that was supposed to be my last option didn't call me back. Weird, because I plan to take it even though the pay was bad and their equipments were old. I thought I made it with this recent one, which was by the way confusing at first because they didn't tell us right away they had a weekly evaluation that at the end of the week they'll decide if they'll keep you.

You know that feeling when you thought you're doing fine because there's progress in your life or something good you think happened and then BAM!!! You're back to square one again. I'm just really tired of the universe giving me hope, then suddenly taking it away. My mental health already went crazy with my first BPO job now I'm lost again. I'm not only embarrassed from my friends, and former workmates, I'm more embarrassed to my mom. Because I know she also worries about me and wants to help a little with the expenses. And I want to help her too. Not only that the man I thought would understand me left me and didn't understood me at all. He even blames me from the decision I'm already regretting. I wished I didn't think of my mental health but at that time it was what I felt. Until now, it's still bad. While every body else is moving on with their wonderful lives.

Do I not deserve to be happy? Like at all??? Does God hate me or something? Because I really don't know anymore. I feel so down and depressed. But I can't give up for my mom and myself. Lord. Why is this happening to me?!? I know everything doesn't come in an instant. But why is it so hard to give what I need? What should I do with my life. And even though i qas not the only one who got eliminated, I can see the pity in their eyes when they look at me. Because I know they can see it in my eyes that it affects me and I actually hate it. I don't like to be pitied. Even though even I pity myself. I just wanted to work. That's all. It's also what I need but even that the universe won't give it to me. I don't wanna wallow in misery but I don't feel like doing anything at all. God, help me please. Give me my heart's desire. And I promise to take care of it.

This year has been the worst, and it's only April

So yes you read it right. Still unemployed, been fucking my interviews like saying literally the word you're not supposed to. Like my mouth is self-sabotaging me. I feel so pressured because my mom needs help with the expenses because my dad's income is not enough. Don't get me wrong he's a nice man but he just can't provide for us. Sometimes, I'm afraid that I'll be like him. Gonna grow old and still unstable. God, help me to find the right career for me. Kahit sobrang stressed na ako kakaisip.