i think iāve accepted nightmares as a normal occurrence for me at this point in life, but the terrors were letting up.Ā
i used to find myself awake in some random spot in the house, different from where i remember myself falling asleep, and after some investigating i found it was due to sleepwalking. iād also be sweating and breathing pretty heavily when i woke up in the beginning as well. all of the nightmares... iād usually remember them vividly. thomas was always in them when it started; in fact he was normally the only relevant character, other than myself and the person killing him in front of me. eventually some other family members gained starring roles, and jack, rian, zack... this was all within that first year of the robbery. it got better once i could move out of that house and into my apartment and itās definitely still a problem, but less of one.
i wasnāt targeted last year but i remember hearing about it. about the psychopath going around killingĀ āimpureā celebrities. i wanna believe this is just some hoax, that maybe some lowlife internet troll got ahold of my email and sent me that... message. i donāt consider myself on the more secretive side of the industry but i have my personal stuff that i donāt tell people. everyone does. how does that possibly mean i deserve to die, though? that any of us deserve to die?
if it is real though, and someone is really looking to get me... could that be? it doesnāt feel real. i hate thinking about dying like that. when thomas was killed it fucking ruined me, but it never made me wanna die. run away and live in some cave under a mountain and never see anyone again, maybe, but i didnāt wanna die. i donātĀ wanna die. at least... i donāt think i do.Ā
all this to say, i had a terror for the first time in months on wednesday night. i flew to LA to hang out with jack and finally just get out the fucking house, and itās ridiculously comforting to have him with me, but for some reason my brain just... ugh. itās so fucking sickeningĀ and i canāt stop thinking about that email. i canāt fucking die like that. to be so dreadfully lucky to be alive after my fiancĆ© was murdered, just to be killed too? what a damn joke that would be. all iāve wanted to do since thursday was stay drunk and cry. which i guess isnāt really new.
i donāt want jack seeing me like this. i wanna be alone. well... no, thatās a lie, i donāt. but the only person i fucking want is dead and thatās not changing so i donāt know what the fuck to do with myself.Ā