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@heartworked
if i had a dollar for everytime someone emailed me or commented on something, threatening my life, i'd probably be a hell of a lot richer. getting the kind of email i did this morning isn't alarming or concerning. i'll add it to the pile, onto the next, i'm sure i'll get another one next week.
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sometimes i look back on the past with a heavy heart. i wonder what things would have been like if i hadn’t been so fucked up that my days blurred into nights and weeks, into months. if i’d been better, more present, stayed sober long enough to feel something more than the withdrawal and desperation for a hit. back then the only time i felt alive was with them but i drowned that feeling out of fear.Â
nowadays my only vice is a little weed to help me sleep, taken early so by 11 i can’t keep my eyes open anymore, so i’m not plagued with nightmares or the impending doom that what ifs bring upon you. of course it’s when i’m on that vice that i find a video of you playing, from back then and my fingers cramp and seize in a desperate attempt not to click it, my body fighting against me.
now i feel a sense of dread, overwhelming. that hatred seeping in from how i treated them all those years ago, for the harsh words i wrote in moments of anger before falling into another drug induced coma. i miss them, i don’t miss how i was back then, i definitely don’t miss the drugs, but i miss them.
🔮 end of summer setlist 🔮
⤳ i’m a fake ⤳ paradise lost ⤳ clean cut heals ⤳ cry ⤳ let it bleed ⤳ the lottery ⤳ all that i’ve got ⤳ buried myself alive ⤳ 1984 infinite jest ⤳ blow me ⤳ pretty handsome awkward ⤳ the taste of ink