#lexaforme

Anyways so I promised I would talk about why I’ve been so upset (especially recently) over Lexa/clexa. This is mostly for myself because it’s something I need to talk about because I’ve been keeping it bottled up for too long. TW for self harm, depression, suicidal ideation, etc. This is what Lexa means to me. A few months ago I was in the worst place of my life. I was extremely depressed, suicidal, self harming constantly, alone, and on the brink of hospitalization. I was in a relationship with someone who didn’t care about me nearly as much as I cared about her and I was spiraling downward. I was surrounded by people who pretended to accept my sexuality but who constantly belittled me, made fun of me, and called me names for it. People who didn’t even pretend to hide the fact that they though f/f relationships could ever be nearly as fulfilling as m/f relationships, and who let me know it. It was at this point, closer to trying to kill myself than I ever had been, that I had started watching the 1OO for the purpose of clexa. And I watched their story unfold and I realized how much I could still have, how much was still ahead of me. I had given up on thinking that anyone would ever love me, had convinced myself that no girl ever would, and then I watched this. I watched the sky fall in love with the ground and thought about how AMAZING that was, how the universe had worked just so that they could meet. And I knew it was just a show, I knew that, but it gave me hope. It gave me hope that yes, there is someone out there, and yes, I will meet her someday, and yes, she will love me as much as I love her. It gave me hope that everything happens for a reason and that my fate would be different than I had thought. It gave me HOPE, something I hadn’t felt for too long. And Lexa. Oh my god, Lexa. Lexa gave me everything I needed. She was a leader and strong and like me. She tried and tried to hide her feelings but she couldn’t, like me. Over time, she learned that it’s OKAY to love, that there’s nothing wrong with love, that it isn’t weakness; its strength. She showed me that I didn’t need to be scared or sad or ashamed of who I love. As she learned to love again, so did I. I started to get myself back together; I hadn’t self harmed in weeks, I broke off things with my girlfriend, I realized that I deserved so much more than what I got. Lexa saved my life. I can say that without any doubt. She saved me. And then 3x07 happened, and everything started to go back. I self harmed, I was suicidal, I was crying all day, I wanted my ex back, I hated myself and the people I was around who made me this way. It was that way for a week or two. after that, I grew angry. I was still sad but more than that I was ANGRY, mad that this had happened, that other people had to go through what I was going through. I could think about Lexa and clexa and it would hurt but I would be okay. I was okay. For a while. And then this week came and something shifted. Something changed. I don’t know what, and I don’t know why it’s hitting me now that she’s GONE, that the girl who saved my life is gone and I couldn’t save hers. That the relationship that saved me was no more than a memory now. And I’ve been thinking about her all week, and crying for most of the week, and falling back into that awful depression again, but this time it’s worse. I realized that Lexa saved my life and that she’s GONE, completely gone now. And I want nothing more than for her to be back. She saved me and I couldn’t do the same. She and clarke made me believe in soulmates, in destiny, and now I can’t think about my fate without worrying that it’ll end in tragedy. I’ve been so on edge and depressed and low and suicidal and wanting to harm myself. I will be okay. I hope. With time, I will be. But I can’t forget. I can’t forget and I will never forgive what was taken from me. And I know that wherever I go, Lexa and clexa will always be a part of me, something that shaped me, that changed me so immensely, that saved me. I will not forgive the hope that I was given, the promises, the lies. I never will. But I will remember. Lexa saved my life, and I will always remember. I will always be grateful. Reshop, heda. Thank you for fighting for me. I won’t forget it. I won’t forget you.

soooo why is everyone mad about the 100 killing off a lesbian but no one is mad at the walking dead for doing it ☕️🐸

i was asleep last night during the trend, totally missed it. anyone know how long #LexaForMe trended?

Don't mind me. I just watched clexa fanvids on YouTube and I remembered/rewatched that scene where my soul physically left my body and I AM SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW :)