#lettersfromfaye

I used to write about love like it was this chaotic but beautiful thing to be experienced by anyone who steps into this intricate web of good, bad, overwhelming, and disappointing emotions. I used to think that if we don't get each other's minds then we wouldn't get each other at all. I've always aimed high at choosing someone to love. I wanted someone who could give me the security of life that I couldn't get with my family when I was a child. I wanted to secure a good life for myself because that was what I was taught. To aim high, dream big, and shatter the world. Growing up these values fueled me to get into a good school, be ambitious, and follow through with actions no matter the consequences.

When I met you, I met you at your worst. And you met me at mine. We didn't have anything in common but our childhood- growing up with adults screaming at each other- and probably the fact that we don't really have a grander dream to live. We were just two average people with financial problems, hoping that someday we'd be able to fly free from these socially constructed responsibilities that we've ascribed to because we love our families. Maybe that's our grander dream, to save enough money and buy us our freedom. In essence, there was no guarantee that you could give me security and you had no security in me either. We're both broke and both trying to make a positive change in the world without having to compromise our resposibilities which meant alot of sacrifices would always have to be made. Which meant we would have to put off our goals as a couple and as individuals because that's just how life goes.

This reality that we are faced with, we faced together. I cannot tell you how much I've tried to convince myself that I can do this by myself but in reality, I really cant. I am weak. I'm not strong nor independent. But if there was something I learned from my last relationship that would be its okay to ask for help. That I don't need to ascribe to this idea of a strong independent woman because strength comes from knowing your own weaknesses and learning how to overcome these. And I've learned that I can get by without a partner but I wouldn't be happy at all. I would get to the top of the world and realize that wasn't what I wanted. I choose you, Michael. I choose to be with you every step of the way. I choose you to be by your side no matter what happens, no matter the problems we are weighed down with.

1. Your hair.

2. The way you look when you're focused on work. Programming has a way of making you look sexier. Or maybe its because I don't know much about programming and watching you work is like watching you transform and do magic.

3. Your MYCURE blue hoodie and the way the hood falls on your shoulder.

4. Your collarbones.

5. THE OLIVE THEORY and THE DOBBLER/DAHMER THEORY (the one where a creepy gesture is considered romantic if mutual feelings. Yes sinearch ko siya ok)! I can't stress enough how much I LOVE YOU for these. You are the Marshall Eriksen to my Lily Aldrin, the Ted Mosby to my Tracy McConnell, the Barney Stinson to my Robin Scherbatsky, and everything in between.

6. Your good morning kisses.

7. Your hugs and cuddles from behind.

8. Our nudes and other intimate photos. I can't imagine being that comfortable with my body and my sexuality until you came along.

9. How I, your resident madaldal and oversharer of information, is at loss for words whenever somebody asks about you. For someone who always knows what to say and is a (fucking) debater, you know how to shut me up.

10. https://open.spotify.com/track/7vWHppvllFJXdXf0xplZum?si=5A-vmoK8SCKH1xxWeGP-jg

11. Your eyes, your smile, and your breath in the morning.

12. Your love for your family and the dedication to giving them the best life (no matter how much they misunderstand the work we do).

13. Your love for MYCURE.

14. Your drum skills.

15. Your laugh. Especially when I'm the one who makes you laugh. Even if your laugh came from me embarrassing myself.

16. Your butt.

17. Both your speaking voice and singing voice. I always look forward to meetings because I want to hear yo

18. Your humor (kahit minsan jeje ew HAHAHA)

19. The way you reassure me and make me realize what I'm worth.

20. Your thighs, knees, and calves. Weird but true. I can't explain why.

21. Your hands. They're smooth and holding them makes me feel like I'm protected and safe and loved.

22. I love how we gave each other a fresh start. How we made each other realized that we didn't need to be stuck with who we were with and the situation we were in. I love how our friendship began with sharing our common struggles and how our relationship started with us promising each other that no matter what happens, we'll be there holding each other's hands. This is it. No letting go. Its all or nothing. Hanggang sa walang dulo na to, Michael.

23. I love how I can't remember falling in love with you. I only remember feeling a little bit of kilig and then the next thing I knew, I was willingly giving you my favorite blanket so you'd sleep more comfortably in the cold while I sleep on the not-so-comfy chair. I can't remember exactly when, where, or how. All I remember is getting excited to sleep because I'd sleep and wake up next to you. I remember waking up to the daylight, seeing your face, and thinking "God. I'm so in love with you."

02/28/18

More often than not, we romanticize things, situations, and people to keep ourselves together. Clinging to that made-up scenario in our heads just to have something to hold on to. Imagining a night sky full of stars, your heart beating along with the music, the density of the voices of the crowd drowning your ears, and the blinding stage lights making you lose your vision, and then there's a hand that holds yours keeping you grounded. It's a night you'll forever remember.

But these romanticizations aren't real. The night sky isn't full of stars, it's cloudy and only the light of the moon can be seen. The crowd isn't that loud, in fact you're even shy to dance your heart out. The music is rowdy, probably because of some technical difficulties and low quality speakers. The stage lights aren't as festive either. You don't really lose yourself in the moment because there isn't a moment to begin with. Even if there is, it's a forgettable one. Still, a hand holds yours. Still, when you look to your right you see a man slightly bobbing his head to the music he claims he heard before. He smiles at you and makes a face. Then he dances awkwardly and weirdly. He goes back to bobbing his head. In these moments, you realize you have to look beyond these scenarios in your head and concede to the fact that it is forgettable, but you're still happy to have someone share this totally forgettable night. 

Looking back, never in my life do I want to die so bad and so soon.  But the thought of dying still frightens me. The last episode I had- locking myself away in in the darkness of my closet- brought out feelings and thoughts I never thought I had the courage to deal with. It felt like I was neck-deep in sadness that I could hardly breathe. Through the crying, I was repeatedly asking myself “what is wrong with me?” I had no reason to cry, I had no reason to kill myself, I had no reason to be sad, but why do I feel all these emotions? What is happening to me? Needless to say, I was better 11 months ago. But I did grow. And in growing, I learned the real meaning of silver linings. 2017 was the year of repeatedly finding myself in dark situations but still managing to find a silver lining laying around somewhere. With the storm came the lifeboats and rescuers. You’re one of my rescuers. Your letter was my lifeboat. After giving myself a chance to know God again, I learned that everything happens according to His will. I still need to remind myself that everyday. I repeatedly told you that your letter changed my life. You told me to be kind to myself and I did. You told me to let myself be loved and so I did. The little things that you told me in your letter gave me the preparation to brave this storm with a strong and unwavering heart but in the midst of the storm I lost it.  So I guess this is me apologizing. I hope you get to read this letter when the storm’s over and all is well. I really do. Because you’d be so disappointed in me if you find this letter and look at me being all happy and giddy because you’d know that I’m pretending. Or not, I don’t really know. You have a talent for looking pass through my facade. I guess I just really don’t want to admit it to you directly. I’ll forever be thankful for the friend I found in Ministop, so please know that this apology does not guarantee that I will fight. Instead, I’m just gonna hold on longer and endure everything. I’m not gonna fight this sadness anymore.

Dear You,

               First of all, I won’t explain why I wrote you this. I guess I don’t feel the need to do that when it comes to you. Second, I don’t know where I got the time to get a paper and write amidst all the acads shit I still have to do. All I know is that I want to write and I haven’t felt that in a very long time. Lastly, I don’t know what I’m doing. Truth be told, I don’t know what I’m going to say in this letter. “I love you” won’t suffice. “Thank you” won’t either. I guess its because you deserve more.

               When I first met you, I knew you were my kind of weirdo. It was a Sunday and I was just starting out on ABDP. When I won the toss coin and was asked who I would like to be paired with, I immediately chose you for the same reasons why I fell in love with you. Even though it was the first time we met, I was already comfortable with you. Our prep time was a little bit awkward but I didn’t mind. I didn’t really care, honestly. I just wanted to be around you because you were a walking meme and I was so interested in you. You’re smart and intelligent—and im gonna punch you (not with my lips) if you have ANY ounce of self-doubt or if you try to deny that. I don’t know why, but I just wanted to listen to you talk about everything. Remember after holidays training? Yeah, I didn’t care about Bluette, I never really did, but you continued talking and while for some that’s weird shit, I saw how very opinionated you are and I love it. I don’t know why, I just do.

               Did I mention that I love the way you smoke? The way you put the stick in between your lips, the way you steady your eyes on your cigarette while you light it—it mesmerizes me. All I want to do is just stare at you and study the different features and movements you make. Even the way you inhale slowly and the way you open your mouth makes me want to kiss you. You got me hooked on the way you blink just a second before you exhale the smoke. And I absolutely love the way you smile while you exhale the smoke and then proceed to laugh because I was telling you something funny. If I could just make time go slower whenever we’re smoking, I would. And your eyes—I just want to get lost in them. I love it when I would catch you looking at me. Before our Thursday night in Acustica, I was already confused if I really like you. At the time all I know is that I’m pissed at you for not realizing you don’t deserve such bullshit. But during that Acustica night, there was something different. When I was talking about what art meant for me, I didn’t want to stop. Because if I stopped that would mean you’d look at something else and all I wanted at the very moment was for your eyes to stay glued on me and only me. At that very moment, I realized that I needed to hold my feelings back because I had no guarantee what I meant to you or if you even like me. But then, when I stopped talking, you smiled and closed your eyes and then I saw how long your eyelashes were.

      7th May 2016; 1:54am

     My love for you cannot be measured. I cannot tell exactly when I found perfection in your chinito eyes but clearly, I fell for you hard and fast. Every moment of us together was heaven on Earth. It felt like we were capable of doing anything and everything. Every moment with you was a moment I'd like to pause and rewind over and over again. It felt like forever was within our hand's reach, we felt infinite. 

     Like all love stories, we had our fair share of fights and arguments. You never really accepted me for who I am and I couldn't cope up with your feelings and the way you deal with them. It was a frustrating cycle. I think the main problem here is jealousy and trust. I was slowly getting to know the real you. You are childish, seloso, sensitive, liar and pretentious. You're too close with girls. You had your vices but in spite of that, I accepted you for who you were. I accepted that I found someone whom I can call my "guy counterpart". But I can never cope up with you being immature and a liar. It's ironic you how taught me how to smoke but you didn't allow me to do it. After you left, I did it anyway. Even when you came back, I never really stopped. It became one of my bad habits. I trusted you, you never trusted me. I had all these guy friends- old and new, and you would be jealous of them just because we hung out. You get unreasonably angry whenever I go out and go home late at night. I can still remember the way you said, "ano bang meron sa gabi at gustong gusto mong gabi lumalabas?" 

     To tell you the truth, I find it peaceful. And that was all I want in life- to have peace, give peace and be at peace with myself and everybody else.

     After you left me, I was in a dark place. I felt like I was lost, considering that I had my own problems to deal with. I just didn’t want you to be involved. You told me you needed time because you don’t know yourself anymore which, by the way, I think is total and complete bullshit. Even so, I gave you time and space but after awhile I would find my phone ringing and vibrating with your name on it. After awhile you'd send me an "I love you. We'll get through this" message. After awhile I'd hear someone say you miss me. After awhile I'd get a text from you saying you’re mad at me for going home late. This is where it all started. The blurriness of the line. The uncertainty of what and who I am in your life. We were never official, that's the problem. We just had this understanding that we love each other and we'll be there for each other always. I gave you time and space, you gave me another set of questions. Do you really love me? Do you even care about me? Why did you leave me? What's the real reason behind all of this? 

     Eventually, I did the stupid things. I chased after you and your explanations. Two Thursdays, 9pm, I waited for you in front of your building, in hopes of having the chance to talk to you and know your reasons. After class, I would stay in school, walk around in hopes of accidentally seeing you. You know, all I wanted was to talk. I needed you because I had no one else to share my problems with, but you were nowhere to be found. Once again, I felt like I was losing my self- worth and self-respect. I was degrading myself.

     Funny because this is what I felt exactly a year ago. And in the past year I learned a lot. I learned that people don't define your value, it's up to you how you will value yourself in certain kind of situations. I learned that your self-worth cannot be found in other people's actions towards you, it’s your choice whether you'll have somebody step on you and your beliefs as a human being. I learned not to chase after people who don't value me. I learned how to let go of people who don’t see my worth. I learned to adapt. I learned to forgive. But most importantly, I learned that life is a continuous process of failing, moving on and learning. 

       One day, I woke up and realized that I'm tired. I wanted to move forward and not stay in between these blurred lines that you drew. It was a choice I had to make, or else I'll be even more lost in life than I am right now. So, forgive me for everything pero, ayoko na talaga.

       The last picture I took of you, you were sleeping peacefully. It’s ironic how something so peaceful could also bring a storm in your life. I enjoyed the rain, the wind, the breathlessness caused by the burning lungs of running through it everyday. Every moment seemed so perfect until the foggy rain made us stop running because we couldn’t see anything anymore. Until the skies cleared out and we realized we were both lost in the woods. Now, finding our way back into the city, it’s better if we go our separate ways because being with you means greater chances of being lost again. And I don’t want that anymore. 

     I enjoyed those 2 months spent with you. I really thought this thing that was going on between us was just a start of something big, something really great. But it isn’t. It turned out to be toxic. And in the process of breaking each other's hearts I learned so much. You healed me by breaking me. So, before ending this, I want you to know that I loved you. I really fell for you- all of you. Underneath those pretentious things you said to your (our) friends, I still loved you because I saw myself in you. We saw ourselves in each other’s perfection and flaws. Slowly, little by little, the puzzle pieces began to fit. And even before it was completed, I already saw the whole picture. You wanted to change me and you’re doing it subtly. You wanted to change me because you couldn’t change yourself. That's why I realized this will never work. Not unless one of us is willing to swallow one's pride and ego. I had enough. I will never be that girl. I am not that girl. I will not change for anyone because this is me. It's all or nothing. 

     Falling in love is a natural thing but loving is a choice. I fell in love with you, I chose to love you but now, I choose not to love you anymore. I'll miss our friendship. I'll miss our night outs. I'll miss you, my partner in all kinds of crimes.