#skcr

      7th May 2016; 1:54am

     My love for you cannot be measured. I cannot tell exactly when I found perfection in your chinito eyes but clearly, I fell for you hard and fast. Every moment of us together was heaven on Earth. It felt like we were capable of doing anything and everything. Every moment with you was a moment I'd like to pause and rewind over and over again. It felt like forever was within our hand's reach, we felt infinite. 

     Like all love stories, we had our fair share of fights and arguments. You never really accepted me for who I am and I couldn't cope up with your feelings and the way you deal with them. It was a frustrating cycle. I think the main problem here is jealousy and trust. I was slowly getting to know the real you. You are childish, seloso, sensitive, liar and pretentious. You're too close with girls. You had your vices but in spite of that, I accepted you for who you were. I accepted that I found someone whom I can call my "guy counterpart". But I can never cope up with you being immature and a liar. It's ironic you how taught me how to smoke but you didn't allow me to do it. After you left, I did it anyway. Even when you came back, I never really stopped. It became one of my bad habits. I trusted you, you never trusted me. I had all these guy friends- old and new, and you would be jealous of them just because we hung out. You get unreasonably angry whenever I go out and go home late at night. I can still remember the way you said, "ano bang meron sa gabi at gustong gusto mong gabi lumalabas?" 

     To tell you the truth, I find it peaceful. And that was all I want in life- to have peace, give peace and be at peace with myself and everybody else.

     After you left me, I was in a dark place. I felt like I was lost, considering that I had my own problems to deal with. I just didn’t want you to be involved. You told me you needed time because you don’t know yourself anymore which, by the way, I think is total and complete bullshit. Even so, I gave you time and space but after awhile I would find my phone ringing and vibrating with your name on it. After awhile you'd send me an "I love you. We'll get through this" message. After awhile I'd hear someone say you miss me. After awhile I'd get a text from you saying you’re mad at me for going home late. This is where it all started. The blurriness of the line. The uncertainty of what and who I am in your life. We were never official, that's the problem. We just had this understanding that we love each other and we'll be there for each other always. I gave you time and space, you gave me another set of questions. Do you really love me? Do you even care about me? Why did you leave me? What's the real reason behind all of this? 

     Eventually, I did the stupid things. I chased after you and your explanations. Two Thursdays, 9pm, I waited for you in front of your building, in hopes of having the chance to talk to you and know your reasons. After class, I would stay in school, walk around in hopes of accidentally seeing you. You know, all I wanted was to talk. I needed you because I had no one else to share my problems with, but you were nowhere to be found. Once again, I felt like I was losing my self- worth and self-respect. I was degrading myself.

     Funny because this is what I felt exactly a year ago. And in the past year I learned a lot. I learned that people don't define your value, it's up to you how you will value yourself in certain kind of situations. I learned that your self-worth cannot be found in other people's actions towards you, it’s your choice whether you'll have somebody step on you and your beliefs as a human being. I learned not to chase after people who don't value me. I learned how to let go of people who don’t see my worth. I learned to adapt. I learned to forgive. But most importantly, I learned that life is a continuous process of failing, moving on and learning. 

       One day, I woke up and realized that I'm tired. I wanted to move forward and not stay in between these blurred lines that you drew. It was a choice I had to make, or else I'll be even more lost in life than I am right now. So, forgive me for everything pero, ayoko na talaga.

       The last picture I took of you, you were sleeping peacefully. It’s ironic how something so peaceful could also bring a storm in your life. I enjoyed the rain, the wind, the breathlessness caused by the burning lungs of running through it everyday. Every moment seemed so perfect until the foggy rain made us stop running because we couldn’t see anything anymore. Until the skies cleared out and we realized we were both lost in the woods. Now, finding our way back into the city, it’s better if we go our separate ways because being with you means greater chances of being lost again. And I don’t want that anymore. 

     I enjoyed those 2 months spent with you. I really thought this thing that was going on between us was just a start of something big, something really great. But it isn’t. It turned out to be toxic. And in the process of breaking each other's hearts I learned so much. You healed me by breaking me. So, before ending this, I want you to know that I loved you. I really fell for you- all of you. Underneath those pretentious things you said to your (our) friends, I still loved you because I saw myself in you. We saw ourselves in each other’s perfection and flaws. Slowly, little by little, the puzzle pieces began to fit. And even before it was completed, I already saw the whole picture. You wanted to change me and you’re doing it subtly. You wanted to change me because you couldn’t change yourself. That's why I realized this will never work. Not unless one of us is willing to swallow one's pride and ego. I had enough. I will never be that girl. I am not that girl. I will not change for anyone because this is me. It's all or nothing. 

     Falling in love is a natural thing but loving is a choice. I fell in love with you, I chose to love you but now, I choose not to love you anymore. I'll miss our friendship. I'll miss our night outs. I'll miss you, my partner in all kinds of crimes.