#lettersform

The Space Between Us Changed

After that day,

nothing looked different.

But everything felt different.

We still talked the same way.

Still laughed at the same things.

Still stayed in that space we’ve always been in

comfortable, easy, familiar.

But something in me refused to go back to how it was.

It started in the smallest moments.

The kind no one would notice.

The kind that should’ve meant nothing.

Walking beside you,

close enough that our arms would brush sometimes—

and suddenly, I was aware of it.

Too aware.

Crossing the street,

reaching for your hand like it was normal

like we’ve done it a hundred times before

but this time, I felt it.

Not just the warmth.

Not just the contact.

But the meaning behind it.

Or maybe…

the meaning I was starting to give it.

And that’s what scared me.

Because I didn’t know when it stopped being simple.

I didn’t know when my body started reacting

before my mind could even make sense of it.

Every time I held your hand,

there was this quiet tension in my chest.

Not enough to pull away.

But enough to make me question everything.

I would tell myself,

“This is normal. This is nothing. This is just us.”

But it didn’t feel like nothing anymore.

And I hated that I couldn’t go back

to not noticing.

I started noticing everything.

The way you looked at me

when you thought I wasn’t paying attention.

The way your voice softened

in certain moments.

The way you stayed close

not too close,

but close enough that I could feel it.

And I kept asking myself the same question

over and over again

Do you feel this too?

Or is this just me

turning something simple

into something it’s not?

There were moments you’d go quiet,

and I’d feel it even more.

That silence between us

was never empty.

It was heavy.

Like there were things sitting there

that neither of us were saying.

And maybe…

that’s what made it harder.

Because nothing was happening.

But everything was happening inside me.

I tried to control it.

Tried to stay where I was supposed to be.

Best friend.

Safe place.

No complications.

I repeated it in my head

like it would fix something.

Like if I held onto that label hard enough,

it would stop whatever was growing inside me.

But it didn’t.

Because the truth was

this wasn’t confusion anymore.

It wasn’t just curiosity.

It wasn’t just closeness.

It was awareness.

A quiet, steady realization

that something had already changed.

And no matter how normal I tried to act,

I couldn’t ignore it.

Not when my heart reacted

before I could stop it.

Not when being near you

started to feel like something I had to manage.

Not when leaving you

felt just a little harder than it should’ve been.

I didn’t say anything.

I didn’t ask.

I didn’t want to know the answer.

Because a part of me already knew

if I gave this feeling a name,

if I let it become real

there would be no going back.

So I stayed quiet.

Stayed in my place.

Pretended I didn’t notice

how much had already changed.

But deep down

I knew.

Something had already crossed the line.

Not in what we did.

Not in anything anyone could see.

But in me.

And that was the part

When you became real

Three years.

Three years of conversations, pauses, random updates, and moments that didn’t seem important back then…

but somehow stayed.

You were just there.

Constant, but not demanding.

Present, but never forcing your way in.

And maybe that’s why I let you stay.

I got used to you in a way I didn’t notice at first.

Used to your replies.

Used to the way you listened.

Used to the feeling that someone, somewhere, understood me without asking too many questions.

You became part of my normal…

without ever being physically there.

And then one day,

you weren’t just a name on my screen anymore.

We were finally going to meet.

I remember how it didn’t feel exciting the way it should’ve been.

It felt… heavy.

Like something was about to change,

and I didn’t know if I was ready for it.

I couldn’t think straight that day.

Even simple things felt off.

I was distracted, quiet, not myself.

And I didn’t even know why.

Maybe a part of me already knew—

that once I see you in front of me,

I won’t be able to go back to how things were.

But I still went.

Because no matter how unsure I felt,

there was one thing I was certain about—

I wanted to see you.

I needed to know

if what we had through a screen

would still exist in real life.

And then I saw you.

And everything got quiet.

Not in a dramatic way.

Not like the movies.

Just… quiet enough

for me to feel everything at once.

You were real.

Not just words.

Not just messages.

Not just someone I talk to when I feel like it.

You were there.

In front of me.

And suddenly, all those years felt heavier.

More real.

More meaningful than I allowed myself to admit.

I hugged you.

And I remember holding on

just a little longer than I planned.

Not because I was trying to say something…

but because I felt something

I couldn’t explain.

It wasn’t overwhelming.

It wasn’t obvious.

But it was there.

That quiet shift.

That moment where something inside me

didn’t feel the same anymore.

I tried to ignore it.

Tried to act normal.

Tried to keep everything in the same place it’s always been.

Best friends.

Safe.

Uncomplicated.

But something had already changed.

And I think deep down,

I knew it right then—

this wasn’t just “us” anymore.

And I didn’t know what to do with that.

Where it all started

It didn’t start when we met.

It started when I trusted you.

Three years before we ever saw each other, we were already talking.

Not even every day. Not even anything special at first.

But somehow… you stayed.

I wasn’t open back then.

I didn’t like talking about my past.

I didn’t like people knowing too much about me.

But with you, I did something I never thought I would.

I let you in.

I remember giving you access to my account

letting you read my messages,

see things I usually keep hidden.

Not because you asked.

But because I felt like I could trust you.

And then I told you everything—

why I wasn’t in the city,

what I’ve been through,

the parts of me I don’t usually explain.

You didn’t judge me.

You didn’t leave.

You just… stayed.

And I think that’s when it really started.

Not love. Not yet.

Just trust.

But looking back now,

maybe that was already the beginning of everything.You just… stayed.

Hi Mark,

Grabe, excited talaga ako sa concert. Pero wait, hindi ko alam kung dahil ba makikita ko sila o dahil part of me alam na makikita kita. Ano ba yan, in love na in love na naman ako. Nakakainis. Ayoko maging lover girl. It makes me soft, introverted, at parang ang bobo ko minsan. Haha.

When I saw you, nakatayo ka lang doon, and I just knew. Ikaw yun. Kahit nasa isang lugar tayo na sobrang daming tao, I would still see you agad. Alam ko eh. Kasi ikaw lang yun.

Alam mo bang hindi talaga ako masaya that night? Haha. Kasi alam kong sinamahan mo lang ako dahil naaawa ka, dahil wala akong kasama. Ramdam ko rin yung distance mo. I was trying so hard na i-keep yung vibe light. Ayokong maging awkward kahit to be honest, nahurt talaga ako.

Grabe yung pagpigil ko sa sarili kong maging sad. Ayokong masira yung gabing yun. Ang mahalaga, you were there. Alam mo naman, lahat ng sinasabi mo pinaniniwalaan ko. Kaya kapag nagjo-joke ka, feeling ko may totoo pa rin.

Pero nung nakita kong suot mo yung ring natin, nalito ako. Ayoko pa naman ng ganung feeling. And I really wanted to kiss you so bad. Miss na miss kita. Sobra.

Ano ba yan, naiiyak na naman ako. Alam mo bang nung natulog ako sa’yo, malungkot pa rin ako? Feeling ko hindi ka pa talaga sa akin, completely. Wala naman akong karapatan. Kailangan kong maghintay. Pero please, do something.

Dear Mark,

I am sick today. My temp is going 39 and it makes me nauseous. It’s really cold here plus I have been stressing out the past few days. I missed you. Big time. Ako ba, hindi mo namimiss?

Okay, going back to my letter. Medyo nag-jump pala ako hehe. I forgot this specific timeline. How could I forget this? You turn me upside down. Lol.

We were doing okay naman. But it’s been nights since you were busy playing with your friends and I couldn’t feel you anymore. Wow arte, akala mo jowa. Nakakatulog na ako nang maaga. Lagi akong inis sayo by the way.

Tapos that night, we talked and then I asked if we could sleep together on call and you said yes. Usually, you’ll sleep too, so I thought so. Medyo nagkakalabuan tayo noon kasi napag-uusapan na rin siguro that I would choose Martin. And unti-unti ko na pinapasink in sayo para no expectations.

I was so ready to give you up. I was so ready to hurt you.

And ayun, nakatulog ako. Then when I woke up, nag-hello ako kasi wala akong marinig na voice or kahit background noise. Pure silence. Hindi ka sumasagot. Chineck ko agad ang Discord and found you there, streaming something. I entered and saw you showing your account and the girls you were swiping.

I was mad. I was so furious.

I felt betrayed. I messaged you. I told you what I saw. I wasn’t thinking at all. And I was hurt.

BUT WHY? Why am I hurt?

I said, “It was nice knowing you.”

Sabi ko sa sarili ko, okay na yan para may reason na ako para iwanan ka. Kasi si Martin naman talaga pipiliin ko. Para di na masyadong patagalin or pasakitin pa.

I removed you on my socmed and even deleted our convo. Fuck.

As I was so focused on Martin, I was still waiting for you. It’s never the same.

Nakakainis. I am looking for you. I thought you were gonna chase after me. Akala ko, gusto mo ako. Bakit di mo ako ipaglaban ngayon. Bakit di mo ipilit sarili mo now.

Nights feel so cold and empty.

Pero bakit? I should be over you.

My dad had a minor accident and I was psyducking. And I thought of you first. I needed you.

I had my chance to message you. I hoped you weren’t mad at me. Shit. Kinakabahan ako na i-message ka. Pero pinansin mo naman ako.

Masungit nga lang. Yay. I missed you. I got you. Yan naisip ko. Ang gagawin ko na lang, lambingin ka para makuha kita.

Unti-unti ko na ulit nakukuha si Mark Anthony Maraya. Hahahahhaa. I was so happy. Kung alam mo lang.

Yun lang. Mahal kitaaa sobra.

As in. Tangina sahhhh. Pansinin mo na kaya ako now. Kawawa naman ako oh. Hahahaha.

Dear Mark,

You warned me about that Baguio trip.

You told me to be careful, to think twice, to choose myself, but I was unstoppable.

Not because I didn’t want to listen to you, but because I once believed in Martin and the guilt would have eaten me alive if I didn’t show up.

I stayed at your place the night before my trip.

It was the best feeling. I have always felt safe there.

I can’t even explain the kind of comfort you give.

It is that strange mix of familiarity and warmth that makes me want to keep coming back.

Your place felt like home before I even knew it.

And you, the kind of man who always cares,

who is always ready to give everything,

who makes me feel chosen in the quietest ways.

I love that about you.

I love you for that.

You trusted me and I never wanted to break that trust.

You booked me a Grab to the bus station.

For the first time, I didn’t want to turn around when we said goodbye.

Because I knew if I did, I would run back to you.

I felt so sad, my love.

All I could think was: Mark, come with me instead.

Even during the trip, it was still you on my mind.

Grabe ka, Mr. Maraya.

What kind of droga do you have?

Because you were slowly becoming someone I could never lose.

I became distant with Martin.

I couldn’t let him touch me because I already felt like I was yours.

Yours only.

And when I told you what he did to me that night,

I heard the anger and frustration in your voice.

I was scared to tell you.

Scared you would blame me.

Scared you would leave.

I wanted to go home so badly,

but you know me,

people pleaser even when I am breaking inside.

You told me you would come get me.

I said it was impossible and that I would be fine.

Pero putek, you were already booked on the way to Baguio.

I even scolded you for it, but deep down,

all I wanted was for you to come.

Please my love, save me. I need you.

That was the truth.

I thought you wouldn’t push through.

But the next morning, I woke up early and messaged you,

and damn, I was excited.

I couldn’t contain the happiness.

I wanted to ditch Martin and spend the whole day with you.

And that is exactly what happened.

I waited for you.

And the moment I saw your back,

you looking around for me,

I felt like a high school girl again.

Every kind of kilig shot up inside my bones.

You know that feeling when you are a kid and your favorite person comes home.

That was it.

That was you.

I felt like a local in Baguio,

ready to take you everywhere.

Even now, writing this,

I can still feel that exact moment in my chest.

I missed you.

We did everything together that day.

I never felt that kind of happiness with anyone before.

You were everything I wanted.

We even had our own rings with our names engraved.

I could cry just remembering that.

Grabe ka magmahal, Maraya.

Sobra.

I want you only mine.

And if life allowed it,

Mahal ko,

I just woke up. Grabe, I took pills again. Hindi ako makatulog, Mark. Let me be honest with you, I feel so empty. My friends keep messaging me, asking if I’m fine, and ako na mismo yung hindi nagrereply. Or if I reply, ibang topic na lang. Kasi damn it, I hate myself for feeling this again.

It’s not your fault, okay? It’s mine. I should’ve been more careful. I was doing okay, but then I got too hasty and too excited. But that’s okay.

I miss your Bicol Express. I even dreamed about eating it with you. I miss you.

Okay ka lang ba? Do you feel at peace now? Are you happy with her? I hope you are.

Kapag hindi, maiinis ako. Kasi dapat masaya tayong dalawa ngayon. I should be the one making you happy, Maraya. I prayed last Sunday at mass. I told Him to take away this pain. It’s just so hard to accept.

Mark, I think about you all the time.

Are you eating properly? Do you shower? Do you drink water? Are you missing me? Do you still want me?

Yun lang. I had to change this letter because I woke up feeling empty and I miss you so much. I want it to be me. Ako dapat for you. I know it. I can feel it. I may not be perfect, but I know I can make you the happiest man.

You’re still my best guy. Walang magbabago.

Maraya,

I still remember your first message outside the app. It was simple and calm, and somehow it felt different from everything I was used to. You were not trying to impress me. You were not trying to flirt. You were just trying to talk to me. And that already caught me off guard.

Other guys were busy proving themselves. You were just you.

Direct. Curious. A little awkward.

But genuine.

Before all that, let me be honest. I already stalked you on Facebook. I wanted to check if you were really pogi or just some old creep trying to deceive me. Lol. I was being careful. And yes, some of your photos were definitely not your pogi points. Hahaha. But I swear, I had my favorites. The ones where you looked unintentionally handsome. The ones that made me think, “Okay, pwede na.”

I remember thinking, “Why does this feel like a direction instead of a distraction?”

At first, I told myself to be careful. I thought we would talk for a bit and then fade like most online connections. But you kept showing up. You asked about my day, my thoughts, and the smallest details I never expected anyone to remember.

You listened.

You stayed present.

You made space for me without asking for anything.

And then there was the part I never fully admitted to you. The moment I added you on my FB dump and IG dump. I did that because I honestly believed we were not going to last. I thought we were temporary. I thought I would break your heart. And I did not want you to leave marks on my real social media.

Pero putek.

Ayaw ko talaga itago ka.

Ayoko magsinungaling sayo.

Why?

I do not even know. Haha. Weird.

I just could not hide you. Even if I believed you would not stay long, I still wanted you somewhere close. Maybe not on my main accounts, but still somewhere real.

I still had Martin then, and everything was messy. Heavy. Confusing. I questioned what I deserved and what I should settle for. But each time you replied, something inside me softened. You were not trying to replace anyone. You were not rushing anything. You were simply there. And that meant more than you realized.

I did not fall for you immediately. But I started paying attention to you. I wanted to understand why your presence felt different. And slowly, you stopped being just a match on an app. You became someone who mattered.

Your message did not just start a conversation.

It shifted my direction.