For the Mark You Left Behind

Dear Mark,

It’s December 28, 12:46 a.m.

It hurts. I haven’t felt this kind of pain since last year, and I’m confused because love isn’t supposed to feel like this.

I know I said you could take your time, but honestly, that was a lie. I’m trying to be patient, but my heart is aching so badly. I hope you don’t take too long.

I want you. I want you so much. Pero ayoko ng may kahati. Gusto kong mahalin nang buo, yung ako lang, walang kahati, walang tanong.

Natatakot ako. Kahit ginagawa kong biro, kahit mukhang okay lang ako, I am scared.

I’m not confident in myself. She’s been with you for five years. She knows you deeply. You have cats together. You live in the same place. She’s been with you in every trip, every chapter.

Where do I fit in?

We’ve only known each other for a few months. I know you, but what if not enough? I’m scared of cats. I live here in Laguna. Our world has only reached as far as Santolan station.

Nalilito ako kung bakit pinapatagal mo pa.

Para hindi siya masaktan?

Pero ako, hindi ba ako nasasaktan?

Masakit gumising araw-araw na nasa survival mode. Checking if I’m still here. If you’ve changed your Spotify photo again. If you’ve blocked me again.

Nakakatakot.

Hi Mark,

Grabe, excited talaga ako sa concert. Pero wait, hindi ko alam kung dahil ba makikita ko sila o dahil part of me alam na makikita kita. Ano ba yan, in love na in love na naman ako. Nakakainis. Ayoko maging lover girl. It makes me soft, introverted, at parang ang bobo ko minsan. Haha.

When I saw you, nakatayo ka lang doon, and I just knew. Ikaw yun. Kahit nasa isang lugar tayo na sobrang daming tao, I would still see you agad. Alam ko eh. Kasi ikaw lang yun.

Alam mo bang hindi talaga ako masaya that night? Haha. Kasi alam kong sinamahan mo lang ako dahil naaawa ka, dahil wala akong kasama. Ramdam ko rin yung distance mo. I was trying so hard na i-keep yung vibe light. Ayokong maging awkward kahit to be honest, nahurt talaga ako.

Grabe yung pagpigil ko sa sarili kong maging sad. Ayokong masira yung gabing yun. Ang mahalaga, you were there. Alam mo naman, lahat ng sinasabi mo pinaniniwalaan ko. Kaya kapag nagjo-joke ka, feeling ko may totoo pa rin.

Pero nung nakita kong suot mo yung ring natin, nalito ako. Ayoko pa naman ng ganung feeling. And I really wanted to kiss you so bad. Miss na miss kita. Sobra.

Ano ba yan, naiiyak na naman ako. Alam mo bang nung natulog ako sa’yo, malungkot pa rin ako? Feeling ko hindi ka pa talaga sa akin, completely. Wala naman akong karapatan. Kailangan kong maghintay. Pero please, do something.

Rewatching this over and over because I really miss you. Hindi ko na kinakaya ang divine intervention na to!!

Kita mo yan? POV ng asawa mo yan. Ako ang magiging future mo. Maniwala ka sa akin, close kami ni Lord eh. 😇

Dear Mark,

I am sick today. My temp is going 39 and it makes me nauseous. It’s really cold here plus I have been stressing out the past few days. I missed you. Big time. Ako ba, hindi mo namimiss?

Okay, going back to my letter. Medyo nag-jump pala ako hehe. I forgot this specific timeline. How could I forget this? You turn me upside down. Lol.

We were doing okay naman. But it’s been nights since you were busy playing with your friends and I couldn’t feel you anymore. Wow arte, akala mo jowa. Nakakatulog na ako nang maaga. Lagi akong inis sayo by the way.

Tapos that night, we talked and then I asked if we could sleep together on call and you said yes. Usually, you’ll sleep too, so I thought so. Medyo nagkakalabuan tayo noon kasi napag-uusapan na rin siguro that I would choose Martin. And unti-unti ko na pinapasink in sayo para no expectations.

I was so ready to give you up. I was so ready to hurt you.

And ayun, nakatulog ako. Then when I woke up, nag-hello ako kasi wala akong marinig na voice or kahit background noise. Pure silence. Hindi ka sumasagot. Chineck ko agad ang Discord and found you there, streaming something. I entered and saw you showing your account and the girls you were swiping.

I was mad. I was so furious.

I felt betrayed. I messaged you. I told you what I saw. I wasn’t thinking at all. And I was hurt.

BUT WHY? Why am I hurt?

I said, “It was nice knowing you.”

Sabi ko sa sarili ko, okay na yan para may reason na ako para iwanan ka. Kasi si Martin naman talaga pipiliin ko. Para di na masyadong patagalin or pasakitin pa.

I removed you on my socmed and even deleted our convo. Fuck.

As I was so focused on Martin, I was still waiting for you. It’s never the same.

Nakakainis. I am looking for you. I thought you were gonna chase after me. Akala ko, gusto mo ako. Bakit di mo ako ipaglaban ngayon. Bakit di mo ipilit sarili mo now.

Nights feel so cold and empty.

Pero bakit? I should be over you.

My dad had a minor accident and I was psyducking. And I thought of you first. I needed you.

I had my chance to message you. I hoped you weren’t mad at me. Shit. Kinakabahan ako na i-message ka. Pero pinansin mo naman ako.

Masungit nga lang. Yay. I missed you. I got you. Yan naisip ko. Ang gagawin ko na lang, lambingin ka para makuha kita.

Unti-unti ko na ulit nakukuha si Mark Anthony Maraya. Hahahahhaa. I was so happy. Kung alam mo lang.

Yun lang. Mahal kitaaa sobra.

As in. Tangina sahhhh. Pansinin mo na kaya ako now. Kawawa naman ako oh. Hahahaha.

Dear Mark,

You warned me about that Baguio trip.

You told me to be careful, to think twice, to choose myself, but I was unstoppable.

Not because I didn’t want to listen to you, but because I once believed in Martin and the guilt would have eaten me alive if I didn’t show up.

I stayed at your place the night before my trip.

It was the best feeling. I have always felt safe there.

I can’t even explain the kind of comfort you give.

It is that strange mix of familiarity and warmth that makes me want to keep coming back.

Your place felt like home before I even knew it.

And you, the kind of man who always cares,

who is always ready to give everything,

who makes me feel chosen in the quietest ways.

I love that about you.

I love you for that.

You trusted me and I never wanted to break that trust.

You booked me a Grab to the bus station.

For the first time, I didn’t want to turn around when we said goodbye.

Because I knew if I did, I would run back to you.

I felt so sad, my love.

All I could think was: Mark, come with me instead.

Even during the trip, it was still you on my mind.

Grabe ka, Mr. Maraya.

What kind of droga do you have?

Because you were slowly becoming someone I could never lose.

I became distant with Martin.

I couldn’t let him touch me because I already felt like I was yours.

Yours only.

And when I told you what he did to me that night,

I heard the anger and frustration in your voice.

I was scared to tell you.

Scared you would blame me.

Scared you would leave.

I wanted to go home so badly,

but you know me,

people pleaser even when I am breaking inside.

You told me you would come get me.

I said it was impossible and that I would be fine.

Pero putek, you were already booked on the way to Baguio.

I even scolded you for it, but deep down,

all I wanted was for you to come.

Please my love, save me. I need you.

That was the truth.

I thought you wouldn’t push through.

But the next morning, I woke up early and messaged you,

and damn, I was excited.

I couldn’t contain the happiness.

I wanted to ditch Martin and spend the whole day with you.

And that is exactly what happened.

I waited for you.

And the moment I saw your back,

you looking around for me,

I felt like a high school girl again.

Every kind of kilig shot up inside my bones.

You know that feeling when you are a kid and your favorite person comes home.

That was it.

That was you.

I felt like a local in Baguio,

ready to take you everywhere.

Even now, writing this,

I can still feel that exact moment in my chest.

I missed you.

We did everything together that day.

I never felt that kind of happiness with anyone before.

You were everything I wanted.

We even had our own rings with our names engraved.

I could cry just remembering that.

Grabe ka magmahal, Maraya.

Sobra.

I want you only mine.

And if life allowed it,

Mahal ko,

I just woke up. Grabe, I took pills again. Hindi ako makatulog, Mark. Let me be honest with you, I feel so empty. My friends keep messaging me, asking if I’m fine, and ako na mismo yung hindi nagrereply. Or if I reply, ibang topic na lang. Kasi damn it, I hate myself for feeling this again.

It’s not your fault, okay? It’s mine. I should’ve been more careful. I was doing okay, but then I got too hasty and too excited. But that’s okay.

I miss your Bicol Express. I even dreamed about eating it with you. I miss you.

Okay ka lang ba? Do you feel at peace now? Are you happy with her? I hope you are.

Kapag hindi, maiinis ako. Kasi dapat masaya tayong dalawa ngayon. I should be the one making you happy, Maraya. I prayed last Sunday at mass. I told Him to take away this pain. It’s just so hard to accept.

Mark, I think about you all the time.

Are you eating properly? Do you shower? Do you drink water? Are you missing me? Do you still want me?

Yun lang. I had to change this letter because I woke up feeling empty and I miss you so much. I want it to be me. Ako dapat for you. I know it. I can feel it. I may not be perfect, but I know I can make you the happiest man.

You’re still my best guy. Walang magbabago.

Maraya,

I still remember your first message outside the app. It was simple and calm, and somehow it felt different from everything I was used to. You were not trying to impress me. You were not trying to flirt. You were just trying to talk to me. And that already caught me off guard.

Other guys were busy proving themselves. You were just you.

Direct. Curious. A little awkward.

But genuine.

Before all that, let me be honest. I already stalked you on Facebook. I wanted to check if you were really pogi or just some old creep trying to deceive me. Lol. I was being careful. And yes, some of your photos were definitely not your pogi points. Hahaha. But I swear, I had my favorites. The ones where you looked unintentionally handsome. The ones that made me think, “Okay, pwede na.”

I remember thinking, “Why does this feel like a direction instead of a distraction?”

At first, I told myself to be careful. I thought we would talk for a bit and then fade like most online connections. But you kept showing up. You asked about my day, my thoughts, and the smallest details I never expected anyone to remember.

You listened.

You stayed present.

You made space for me without asking for anything.

And then there was the part I never fully admitted to you. The moment I added you on my FB dump and IG dump. I did that because I honestly believed we were not going to last. I thought we were temporary. I thought I would break your heart. And I did not want you to leave marks on my real social media.

Pero putek.

Ayaw ko talaga itago ka.

Ayoko magsinungaling sayo.

Why?

I do not even know. Haha. Weird.

I just could not hide you. Even if I believed you would not stay long, I still wanted you somewhere close. Maybe not on my main accounts, but still somewhere real.

I still had Martin then, and everything was messy. Heavy. Confusing. I questioned what I deserved and what I should settle for. But each time you replied, something inside me softened. You were not trying to replace anyone. You were not rushing anything. You were simply there. And that meant more than you realized.

I did not fall for you immediately. But I started paying attention to you. I wanted to understand why your presence felt different. And slowly, you stopped being just a match on an app. You became someone who mattered.

Your message did not just start a conversation.

It shifted my direction.

Dear Mark,

I have told you this before. You were never supposed to be my target. I joined the app because I wanted to see if I could vibe with foreigners. Filipinos? Hell no. Not anymore.

Then I saw you.

One picture.

A nerd bio.

I stared at your profile for a while, trying to decide if I should swipe left or right. You were not my type physically. Alam mo yan. But you were still handsome in that one photo. Maybe that was the only angle where you looked pogi, but still, good job choosing that picture. Lol.

I read your entire profile carefully. I already assumed you were a nerd. I even thought, “Another tito vibes for sure. He probably will not relate to me and might give me life advice instead of flirting.”

But I still swiped right. Charaaan.

You said hello, and in my head I imagined your voice. It sounded intimidating, so I tried to sound friendly. You were very straightforward. You asked me right away why I swiped right on you. No games. No pa-cute.

I remember thinking, “Ay oo nga. At this age, wala nang laro laro.”

You did not even try to flirt with me. Lol.

I told you I thought you were a nerd, and not in a bad way because I actually like nerds. You agreed. During that time, I was talking to several foreigners. Some were decent, most were very horny. That was when you stood out.

I even told Sheryll and Lan, “Pinoy pa rin talaga.”

Hahaha.

I stopped entertaining the decent foreigner guys and focused on you. And honestly, I was not attracted to you yet. But you kept listening to me. And somehow, I wanted to keep you.

Ako pa mismo ang nag-initiate na lumipat tayo off the app.

Easy peasy. If I want something, I go for it.

And yes, I wanted you. Fine. Sige na.

Nagugustuhan na kita. Ang bilis, no.

Medyo slow ka lang at first pero feeling ko sinasadya mo. Feeling Gen Z ka kasi. Cringey, but also one of the things I liked about you.

At that time, I still had Martin. I did not tell you immediately. I thought whatever we had was just a phase. I just wanted a deep conversation with someone who could listen. But I did not want to lie, so I told you everything.

Kabit nga kita diba.

And surprisingly, pumayag ka.

Sino bang hindi baliw ang papayag dun? Eh di ikaw!

That made you even more interesting.

I told Erl and She that I would not choose you. I was so sure. I needed stability. I needed peace. And I believed I would not get that if I chose you. So I convinced myself to treat you as a friend. Nothing more.

And that was true at first.

We got along too well.

And deep down, I knew choosing you would be either my greatest heartbreak or the greatest love of my life.