#letter13

FUCK YOU you biased pathetic ass piece of utter garbage bitch. I look forward to the day when DE's forum team finally wakes up to and removes your sorry biased ass. With your "I just checked the history and here's a stack of points" bullshit that's irresponsible and shitty mod-work. On top of ignoring other users that say the same or similar shit and not having a damn thing done to them, because most likely they're in your shitty ass good graces. Or they're in your mentally fucked camp, cause that's your sacred cow vein that gives anyone a free pass (even if they hurl it at others). Single-handedly making sure few ever want to go near the WF forums, because of your shitty ass modding.

I'll dance on your "removed as mod" gravestone, when that day comes you disgusting ass prick.

Hey babe.

Has been a while that I don't write to you, right? I know. I guess I was dealing well with my toughts and worries for a while. I've been breathing and going on, even it's not that easy. 

But, since last week, has been difficult to keep myself together. My toughts are eating me alive, you know? All my insecurities, all my fears, coming like waves, on and on, no matter how hard I try to put them away.

I wish I could be a little less tough, babe. Maybe a lot less? hahaha I wish I could release my feelings a little more, maybe don't be afraid to speak my mind. Speak freely about my feelings without much thoughts, spread my opinion around and don't regret about it. It's so hard to do it. I don't know it's just for me or for everybody in the world. Actually, I'm not afraid to do those things, but I'm afraid of the consequences. Who and what I'm gonna lose or gonna hurt saying those things.

Is it wrong to swallow my feelings and avoid the consequences? Am I being too coward?

This week, more than any other week, I thought about death. I thought about never exist too, but I can't do it anymore, right? hahahaha Then, I thought how people would go on without me.

Honestly, I know there are people who are gonna miss me. People that are gonna cry and mourn about me. Mom, dad, sis, some friends and some people that always thought that I'd have a sparkling future. But, even knowing that, my mind always lead me to this: “They're gonna forget. They're gonna move on. Sadness isn't forever.”

At the beginning, it could be hard - especially to the ones who are close to me -, but little by little, piece by piece, I'll become a memory. 

Pain will disappear and only the memories will remain, maybe about my smile or any habit of mine. Mom will probably fell lonely for a while and Dad will think he could've done more. Sis and my friends will probably miss some of my stupid comments and my cocky behavior. Other people will think "Oh, is she dead? Gosh, she was so great! I always saw her around, being so loud and smiling. She was such a nice girl." But, eventually, I will disappear. My face will vanish, my voice will be forgotten and everyone once used to deal with me daily, will adapt their lives. I'll become a memory. A good or a bad one? I don't know.

If I have an heart attack and suddenly die, how much time will take to everyone to transform me in something from their past? 

How much time will take to people come back to their normal routines and just don't expect me to be there? How much time will take for the people who care about me, to give up their sorrow and be fine again? An year? Maybe months? Will everyone pretend they're okay, just like I do?

Have you ever thought about kill yourself, babe? Probably you did. I always regret to think about it. Life was given to me, I didn't choose that. I shouldn't choose my death time too. Beside that, I couldn't stand any of my beloved ones suffering for me, for something I did thinking only about me. Yeah, I'm thinking about the other even in those moments, hahahaha. I shouldn't be laughing? Sorry.

Babe, I'm sorry to write you those sad things again. Sorry for not being strong enough to deal with myself. I'm sorry having all this inside and doesn't know how to put it out. AND sorry for not being able to search for help when I obviously need it. I wish I could be a little less sttuborn and that my insurance would cover my madness too, hahahahahaha.

Even through all those crazy things, I love you.

And in the end, I hope that you - and everyone else that I care about - love me back.

Cambios means transfers! Ooo did you all just get excited? Today we found out what and who and where we will be this next 6 weeks or a cambio. Drumroll please (Connor).......

    ....nothing changed! woot woot! 

I have a few funny stories for you all. We have these new hand out cards for Mormon.org that have all kinds of questions about life. And we were contacting a house, we said something like, "Can we pass in your house and share this message with you" and the man said, "no", then my companion handed the card to the man and invited him to visit the website and he read aloud the question which was "How can I be a better person?"....... it was really awkward because he thought we were saying he was a bad person for not letting us in.  

Dying From a House of Cats

I know, carry my allergy medicine with me because I swear everyone loves cats and dogs here and I am allergic to them.  They also like to talk forever & then we are stuck in their houses forever and I'm dying from allergies. We were in the house of a Less Active member for 2 hours and her cat was crawling on me and whatever else you can imagine... it's funny now that I look at it. 

  The Mission= being tired all the time

Me and my companion are also praying on our knees all the time and early in the morning.  Companionship prayer is the first thing we do and the last thing we do at night.. I can't tell you how many times one of us falls asleep during this because we are so tired.  The other day I fell asleep in the middle of a sentence and my companion had to wake me up.... "Hermana Pemberton, I couldn't tell if you were just thinking about what else to pray for or if you were getting emotional but you were sleeping."

  This Story is my favorite We were outside of a house with a member and the door was wide open and the member yelled in the door way "alllllooooooo" The person responded "I am not here." He said it from inside of the house somewhere.  Then the member said, "And about what time will you be here?  Then the man said, "Never!"

  hahaha it was pretty funny. 

    I am learning how to set and make goals and it is super useful! 

Oh yeah and I'm eating super healthy cuz elders keep making fat jokes to us! lol 

oh yeah, there is a lady who was on the show "Top Chef " who has a little restaurant here that we visit a lot.  It's pretty cool Kendra you'd love it!

  My challenge and I will follow up.  I know Dad is the only one who has told me about his day without technology. If you guys keep my challenges then I promise you that you will have spiritual growth like I am having on my mission.  

Read pg. 146 in Preach my Gospel about how to set goals.  Then make a goal for this week and email this goal to me! 

Wag ka papakita bukas. Please lang. :( Salamat. Goodnight...

I MISSED YOU. :') Ang saya-saya!!! Hahaha. Gagong gupit ka ha! I mean bagong gupit. =))) Mukha ka lalong totoy, pero bagay naman sayo. You look neat. Nuxx. :) Napakaingay mo nanaman kanina! Nakatayo ka pa sa harap, kala mo di kita nakita? Sa laki mong yan? HAHAHA. Pero I know nag-iingay ka dahil sa lesson niyo. Andun ka kasi sa harap. HUWAW, NAKIKINIG SA PROF. Whahaha! Ang active mo sa subject na yun, no? Ako nga, di ko pinapasukan dati yun eh. Lol. Feeling ko, masipag ka naman mag-aral, di lang talaga halata. =)) Tas, naririnig mo ba ko kanina? Alam ko hinde. Epal lang si Yuning lutang mode forever. Pero, tumingin ka eh. Narinig mo ba talaga? Gosh, nakakahiyaaa! -__- Pero, okay na yun. Kinilig ako. Mehehehe. PBB TEENS? Lels. :"> See you tomorrow! SANA.