#letter 19

I love dancing when no one is at home. And it’s a little ridiculously cute. The moment the last person at home leaves, I lock the doors, I turn on the fairy lights, connect my speakers, and for the next few minutes forget that anyone else exists in the world. It has increasingly become my favourite thing to do lately. I forget everything hurtful anyone has ever told me, I drop all pretences and I let my body do its thing without any judgement. I assume, you feel something similarly liberating and joyful when you sing when you’re alone at home? Isn’t it one of the most beautiful things ever :’)

Crying when angry…that’s not something I did until I started working at my current company last year. I don’t know what exactly is it about this place or the people here but the moment someone does the tiniest of things that irks me, I angry cry and feel like throwing shit across the room. I think, for me, it’s a lack of control, helplessness and absolute frustration. In moments like these I try to not question the way I am feeling or feel bad about the way I feel. To not have feelings about my feelings…that’s something I learned last year and am earnestly trying to action it in life this year and forward. I hope that’s something you can remember too.

Your answer for what love means to you makes me think of this character of a Korea drama that I am currently watching and loving – Itaewon Class. She’s a smart, slightly troubled and perhaps sociopathic 20 year old who is shown as this selfish, peculiar and brilliant girl who knows how to get what she wants even if it’s at the cost of other people. And then she comes across the male lead Park Sae Ro Yi, a man that has been severely wronged in life but despite that he is one of the strongest, fair, rational and kind hearted people ever. When she realises his past and understands how he is as a person, she starts to feel for him. She wants to be there for this person who has been through so much. She wants to be on his side and do everything to help him achieve his dream of opening a successful pub in Itaewon even though a rich, powerful businessman who is his nemesis will ensure that that doesn’t happen.

It’s very fascinating to me because it kinda shows that love…love is that one thing that can make the most seemingly selfish and unfeeling people selfless. And if that isn’t true power and magic, then I don’t know what is.

The fact that you felt your heart shatter a few days ago and felt absolutely loved a week ago just goes to show that life is something we all experience in waves. The easy and hard, the beautiful and miserable, the loving and lonely – it’s all in waves. And we just have to learn to surf. I know that you are trying and will in good time.

Good luck and lots of love,

Nikki

I wrote this letter for Sophia based on some questions they answered. You can read the questions and their answers here.

Guys - I have received 29 people’s responses for The Love Project - 29 days of love letters. So I won’t be accepting anymore, however, you can read other letters here.

----,

Communication is key. I don't know if I've ever said that to you and looking back now, we've done poorly. I have absolutely no idea where we're at. It's like we have double existence; one for when we're with each other and one for when we're with others. I understand that that's what secret means. It's so interesting that it's like flipping a switch. I'm slightly in awe at how well it works. I feel like with you, I never know and that goes back to communication. I feel like I've been pretty clear with you throughout this whole thing but you haven't. You just listen to me and understand what I say but you don't tell me what you're thinking and I can't do that. I would like to know what you're thinking because this doesn't just effect you, it effects me too. In all honesty this thing has gone on too long and I don't have the patience nor desire to deal with it anymore. Things change so much and I don't know what your thoughts are on it. You can't ask me to go on a date with you and suggest we be together and then not call me back when you say you're going to. I want to know your honest thoughts. Don't tell me that "this isn't what we want." and say you want to keep things secret. When I asked you about it more you just said it wasn't what we wanted when you hadn't stated what you wanted. You made what I didn't want what we didn't want. If I've hurt your feelings or you agree with my thoughts, I'd like to know. If you want to stay friends we have to communicate. This lack of communication is making me wonder if we should still be friends at all. I'll be fine with not being friends or anything at all. This is just too much. We have our own things to sort out. I don't hate you or anything. This has just gone on too long. It's not productive. I just want to be happy and this isn't doing it. I want to pull the plug and I think you do too to some extent. So let's talk about it. I'd rather us agree on it than just let it be. It'll be awkward. So let's talk. Let's communicate. Are you willing?