i feel like an absolute child for maintaining any sort of hope. it's only getting harder for afab + queer people to recieve medical help. to recieve mental help. it's becoming increasingly more difficult to have any sort of faith in a world where i can have children. because i do want them. just not right now. it's nearly impossible for me to think that ill ever live past twenty. thats two years from now but the way that my hallucinations and delusions work makes it feel decades away. the longer im on this earth and in this country and in this house the more i feel hopeless. but i refuse to give up hope again. i have been through shootings. i have been through bomb threats. i have been through unimaginable abuse. but i wont give up hope. i can't. hope is all we have.
and my hope looks like anger. anger at the bullshit beings that run this place. it looks like riots and post apocalyptica. it looks like the dystopia between downfall and rebuild. my hope is not gone. it's just not soft.
