Rain was pouring down on Liam’s head. He dragged the plastic bag along with him, into the forest, only the flashlight on his head illuminating the way through the bushes. In his other hand, thrown on his shoulder, was a shovel. He stumbled over a fallen tree, the bag making a ripping noise. He cursed, while glancing back at it, but thankfully it’s contents were still inside. He lifted it over the fallen tree and stopped, wiping off the raindrops from his face.

Liam looked around. The small moss field in front of him looked like it had been recently dug up, pieces of moss thrown all around. Wild boars, probably. He was satisfied with how deep in the forest he was, so he let go of the bag and started digging the fresh ground.

Thunder clapped and lightning struck somewhere far, far away, and the rain got stronger. His shirt was soaked, he could hear his blood rush in his ears, his chest was heavy and his hands were strained by the repeated movement of digging. He lifted out a shovel of earth once, twice, thrice--

Until he hit something solid.

He kneeled down and moved his headlight to get a closer look. It was wood. A wooden plank, to be exact. He tapped it a few times.

And a muffled yell came from beneath his feet, freezing the blood in his veins. The shovel fell out of his hands as he stared at the wooden plank for several seconds, the muffled screams continuing.

There was someone under it. Someone alive.

Liam grabbed the shovel and frantically resumed digging, throwing ground left and right, hurrying as fast as he could. There was a person there, under those wooden planks. Inside the wooden box, that he had uncovered in a matter of minute. The yelling was clearer, yet quieter, and whoever was inside, was banging against the lid, trying to break it. The sides of the box were nailed shut.

“Help!” The voice inside yelled out, desperate.

Unable to break the sides of the box open, Liam lifted up his shovel, aimed at where he thought the feet were and slammed the shovel against the wood.

‘Please break, please break’ was the only thought that was rushing through his mind.

Nothing was working, until he noticed a small crack, going vertically down one the planks that made up the lid. He aimed for that--

The plank broke, the shovel went lower and hit something softer, drawing out a pained scream from the box. He pulled out the shovel - the end was coated in blood.

He used the shovel as a lever to break the other boards, and one by one they broke open, with the exclusion of the side boards.

He grabbed the arm of whoever was laying there and pulled them up, flashing the light in their face.

And he couldn’t believe it.

The person standing in front of him couldn’t believe it.

Liam kissed the dirt covered lips, that were gasping for air, he kissed them with all his passion as a wave of relief washed over him.

His missing boyfriend. Anton.

You’re aware of your own future. Someone from the future (accidentally) told you what’s going to happen in the future. While it’s nice to know what to expect, it’s that future that you know that’s causing you pain right now.

You’re supposed to be with Kai Green. She was your childhood crush and while it seems like a dream come true, she’s not who you want, at least not right now. Right now, in this time, you find yourself in love with your partner, the one who’s been beside you all this time, helped you develop as a person while also helping him, and been with you through so many fights and near-apocalypses. The one who at first you never even wanted in your life, you find yourself wanting him to stay with you forever.

It was after the time war when you noticed it, you noticed that you actually loved Rook. You wanted to tell him and maybe actually start something, but something was preventing that, and that was the future. You both knew what was going to happen. He was there when Spanner blurted it out. How could you start something when you knew it wouldn’t last? It wouldn’t work out and that was destined to happen.

And now here you are in the recently brought back truck, going on patrol after what could’ve been the trip of a lifetime, and you’re thinking way too much about this. You’re thinking about how is really is handsome like other girls have said, you’re thinking about all the time you’ve spent together, and you’re thinking about how he’s become such an indispensable friend and how you want things to be more romantic between you. These thoughts have grown and grown in your mind over the course of the trip and since you’ve been back, and now tonight you can’t get off your mind.

Of course it stops for second when you hear Rook asking what’s wrong and why you were so quiet.

“Oh,” you start out, looking straight forward to avoid eye contact. “No nothing’s really wrong, just still thinking about the trip I guess.”

Rook believes the lie you just told, starting to go in detail about one moment during the trip. You listen, and you enjoy hearing him talk, although you can’t look at his face because you were afraid looking at him would only cause you to think about it more. Looking at him was difficult, even talking to him was becoming difficult, all because it’s him and you want a romantic relationship with him, but you know you can’t because you know it won’t last. You know your future and staying with him isn’t it, so why try? Why even bother? You know it won’t last and it hurts you. 

“Ben, what is troubling you?” you hear Rook ask as the truck pulls to a stop.

You try to push the thoughts aside so you can quickly answer, “Really, Rook, nothing’s wrong.”

“Ben, I know people on earth do not look like they are about to cry when nothing is wrong.”

You’re shocked. Do you really look like you’re about to cry? Was thinking about this so painful that you really were about to to cry?

You clench your fists as you try to speak. “I…”

“If something is troubling you, you can talk about it,” he says next.

You immediately reply, “I know Rook, it’s just…” your voice trails off.

“Is it something to do with being back to our usual life here in Bellwood?” Rook starts to probe. You deny it quickly. He then asks another question about what could be troubling you, and you know he’s trying to help you, but you wish he’d stop prodding so you don’t have to tell him. You’d rather just find a way to bury these feelings without him ever knowing so at least know he’ll still be a friend.

The pattern of Rook asking a question about what’s upsetting you and you quickly denying it goes on for a minute or two until Rook actually guesses correctly.

“It is something that involves me?”

You hesitate to say no, but you do anyways. However the hesitation gives it away.

You can hear the worry in Rook’s voice as he starts to ask, “Ben, have I done something wrong or something to upset you–”

“No, no, you haven’t done anything wrong, Rook,” you’re quick to interrupt. Your arms are crossed, hands grabbing your arms and squeezing as you try to have this subject dropped. “Rook it doesn’t involve you I swear.”

“If does involve me, I would rather you tell me,” he responds immediately. He sounds so concerned at the idea of causing you trouble or causing you to be upset. You’re looking out the passenger’s window to avoid looking at him.

“No, Rook, it’s–”

“If I did something, I am sorry,” he interrupts. He was really determined to talk about this. “But if I did something to cause this… state that you are in, I would want to talk about this so we can get past this and make sure it does not happen again.”

Talking about this was causing you to only think about this more and more and now you know you are about to cry, and you could tell yourself something about how you’re a hero and how you shouldn’t cry, but this was getting to be too much. “Listen, it’s nothing. Don’t worry about it.”

“Ben–”

“I said it has nothing to do with you Rook!” You snap, turning to face him. Suddenly the bit of rage that you felt a moment ago is gone as you see how worried he is and how hurt he was by the outburst. After a moment you turn away. You feel like you just made things worse, nice job Tennyson.

After a minute of silence caused by your outburst, Rook speaks up, “I am sorry for probing too much into it. I only wanted to resolve the issue but I only focused on that and not how you feel.”

You can’t respond immediately. What do you even say to that? He apologized for trying to get too deep into it after you were the one to yell at him.

Maybe you shouldn’t hold on to this.

“Rook I like you,” you start. You’re still staring out the window; you can’t bear to face him as you say this. “It’s not just in a friend way, it’s like… a romantic sort of way. And I know we’re not going to work out. I know there’s really no point in trying. I’m supposed to be with Kai. Even right now you have a girlfriend and I…” you start to trail off. It’s hard to keep going. “I guess I just wanted to bury my feelings so you’d never find out so we could just keep being friends…”

There’s another moment of silence before you hear a small laugh. You’re kind of insulted so you turn to face him but you see his expression, how he himself also looks on the verge of tears.

You then ask, “Rook are you… are you okay?”

Holding back what’s either tears or another laugh Rook answers, “It is kind of cruel at this point. You say now that you like me after I thought I had pushed away my own feelings for you, after I knew nothing would happen after hearing your own future from Spanner.”

You can’t believe what you’re hearing. Rook actually felt the same way as you.

And you both knew that would not work out in the end.

Honestly, it was so cruel.

Rook then starts to speak again, “I thought about it, thought maybe we could still try to hold a relationship… but without knowing how it would end… I was more afraid of the outcome, more afraid of us not being able to like each other at all anymore…”

The words were true, and they hurt, and knowing that Rook felt the same way didn’t make it any easier. What were they going to do? Would they at least be able to get past this?

Suddenly you just pull Rook closer. You know you’re crying now. You then say, “I know we’ll get through this if we can’t be together, if we can’t be anything except friends. But there’s one thing I at least want to do.” And that’s when you kiss him.

It’s a soft kiss. After this kiss, you know it’ll be a long and awkward drive back to base, and you won’t know what will happen now or how or even if you’ll get past this, but at least there is this. This one kiss that you two will share, and hopefully the mutual thought that you will get through the fact that you and Rook can’t be together.

Let me spare everyone the trouble from saying it; I am pathetic. And I'm not denying it.

Why would I call myself that, you ask? Well for the first reason, is that I practically threw myself at Bryce, broke him and Logan up, and not to mention tricked him into becoming my boyfriend. Yes, I was, and am fully aware of my actions.

Another reason would be the fact that I said I loved Matt on our first date (The one by the lake didn't count since Logan and Bryce decided to be perverts.), acted like a freaking girl from the movies with all the stars and shit (I admit, I'm helpless romantic.), and practically threw myself again, this time to Matt.

So yes; I am pathetic. I am desperate. But guess what? I don't regret any of it.

I don't regret any of it because I know it wouldn't even matter. It wouldn't matter if Bryce really liked being with me or not, or if Matt really loved me or not. I know that in the end, none of that would matter.

To shed some light on why it wouldn't matter, let me give you a glimpse on how my life goes:

Ever since I came out to my parents, who I loved by the way, all of the memories and love they had for their little boy disappeared. They looked at me like I was not human. That I was not their little boy.

Of course, you know the usual gist of non-accepting parents; fights, screams, throwing lamps, more fights, and a slap across the cheek... Did I mention that I came out on my fifteenth birthday?

Yeah, not a happy birthday.

So long story short, my parents decided to send me to Dalton, make me dorm there for the weekdays and visit home in the weekends, and given the condition that if ever they find out that I'm with a guy or have done any 'homosexual act', they'd send me to one of those 'gay to straight' camps.

So in a sense, they made Dalton as a punishment. To be around guys and not be allowed to be with any of them. They basically mocked my sexuality. Mocked what I am.

I know what you're thinking; if they hate my guts so much, then why keep me around? Simple. They think I can still change. And it was only a matter of time before they started doing something about it.

So yes; I did all those things and I don't regret it. Not one bit. I don't regret stealing Bryce from Logan. I don't regret sleeping under the stars with Matt. I don't regret kissing him like it was my last breath. I don't regret wanting to lose my virginity to him (Yes, as a matter of fact, I did NOT have sex with Bryce. I only did that to rile Logan up.), and I definitely don't regret saying that I loved him.

Because all the only thing I want now is to feel in love. Real love and all it has to offer. Just once before I'm forced to go straight. And by force, I mean literally force.

I've read what they do in those 'gay to straight' camps. They basically torture you so that you'd associate pain with being gay. They'd force you to hold onto metal bars and heat it up while you looked at two guys holding hands. They'd give you pills that made you nauseous while showing you two guys kissing. They'd strap you to a chair and electrocute you while they forced you to watch gay sex.

They basically break you into being straight. And I'm headed in that direction.

The sad thing was, I knew I would break. One way or another, I am going to get tortured like I was in hell and drill homophobic things into my head. And I am going to crack. In the future, I'd probably be dating some cheek I don't even care about and probably get married to. 

And now I'm just trying to do all I can. Experience as much as I can. Fall in love and do everything that comes with it; holding hands, being romantic, hugging, kissing, making love, all of it. Even if it was fake, I'd take it. All I want is to live out this fantasy, pretend for a while even if they didn't really love me.

I'd be in love with them. For just once, be really in love. And I would do anything to feel that one moment.

I'd be content with that one moment. I can marry a stranger and live the rest of my life with them if I could just live that one fantasy, no matter how much it hurt when I look back at it.

I would be able to say that I was once truly in love. That I was once truly happy.

And then came Matt.

He came into my life and did almost all the stuff I wanted; he held me, hugged me, kissed me, and was romantic to me even if it was corny as hell.

And I fell for him.

That night on that rooftop, was nearly perfect. He hugged me, he kissed me, and told me that he loved me back, even if I was sure that he was just making a mistake. It was amazing. How I felt my heart ache so bad for him, how it actually felt to be loved by someone you loved back. Just amazing. I wanted to do everything and more with him; I wanted us to kiss more, to hug more, and to even make love.

But it ended there.

He denied me when I said I wanted him, saying that our relationship would fail if we did it before marriage. And that was when reality finally struck me. We would never be able to make love. We would never be able to get married. We would never be able to grow old with each other. All because I would break.

At that point I realized; it was hopeless.

It is now my biggest regret; letting the fantasy play out. Now I know what I won't be able to have at all. Now I know what true love feels like, and I can't imagine myself ever letting it go.

I hate myself so much for letting this happen, letting me taste something I can never have. It just added more insult to injury.

The time came, and my parents told me via phone that I was going to start seeing this doctor who claims he can make anyone straight. I didn't go into any of my classes on that day since I completely lost it; tearing apart my room as I screamed, thrashed, and cried. Just completely hating myself for being in this position.

So yes, I am pathetic for wanting to grow old with someone I met in high school. I am pathetic for wanting to be loved. I am pathetic for wanting to live a happy life. I am pathetic for ever thinking all those above.