#jackson-ian

Let me spare everyone the trouble from saying it; I am pathetic. And I'm not denying it.

Why would I call myself that, you ask? Well for the first reason, is that I practically threw myself at Bryce, broke him and Logan up, and not to mention tricked him into becoming my boyfriend. Yes, I was, and am fully aware of my actions.

Another reason would be the fact that I said I loved Matt on our first date (The one by the lake didn't count since Logan and Bryce decided to be perverts.), acted like a freaking girl from the movies with all the stars and shit (I admit, I'm helpless romantic.), and practically threw myself again, this time to Matt.

So yes; I am pathetic. I am desperate. But guess what? I don't regret any of it.

I don't regret any of it because I know it wouldn't even matter. It wouldn't matter if Bryce really liked being with me or not, or if Matt really loved me or not. I know that in the end, none of that would matter.

To shed some light on why it wouldn't matter, let me give you a glimpse on how my life goes:

Ever since I came out to my parents, who I loved by the way, all of the memories and love they had for their little boy disappeared. They looked at me like I was not human. That I was not their little boy.

Of course, you know the usual gist of non-accepting parents; fights, screams, throwing lamps, more fights, and a slap across the cheek... Did I mention that I came out on my fifteenth birthday?

Yeah, not a happy birthday.

So long story short, my parents decided to send me to Dalton, make me dorm there for the weekdays and visit home in the weekends, and given the condition that if ever they find out that I'm with a guy or have done any 'homosexual act', they'd send me to one of those 'gay to straight' camps.

So in a sense, they made Dalton as a punishment. To be around guys and not be allowed to be with any of them. They basically mocked my sexuality. Mocked what I am.

I know what you're thinking; if they hate my guts so much, then why keep me around? Simple. They think I can still change. And it was only a matter of time before they started doing something about it.

So yes; I did all those things and I don't regret it. Not one bit. I don't regret stealing Bryce from Logan. I don't regret sleeping under the stars with Matt. I don't regret kissing him like it was my last breath. I don't regret wanting to lose my virginity to him (Yes, as a matter of fact, I did NOT have sex with Bryce. I only did that to rile Logan up.), and I definitely don't regret saying that I loved him.

Because all the only thing I want now is to feel in love. Real love and all it has to offer. Just once before I'm forced to go straight. And by force, I mean literally force.

I've read what they do in those 'gay to straight' camps. They basically torture you so that you'd associate pain with being gay. They'd force you to hold onto metal bars and heat it up while you looked at two guys holding hands. They'd give you pills that made you nauseous while showing you two guys kissing. They'd strap you to a chair and electrocute you while they forced you to watch gay sex.

They basically break you into being straight. And I'm headed in that direction.

The sad thing was, I knew I would break. One way or another, I am going to get tortured like I was in hell and drill homophobic things into my head. And I am going to crack. In the future, I'd probably be dating some cheek I don't even care about and probably get married to. 

And now I'm just trying to do all I can. Experience as much as I can. Fall in love and do everything that comes with it; holding hands, being romantic, hugging, kissing, making love, all of it. Even if it was fake, I'd take it. All I want is to live out this fantasy, pretend for a while even if they didn't really love me.

I'd be in love with them. For just once, be really in love. And I would do anything to feel that one moment.

I'd be content with that one moment. I can marry a stranger and live the rest of my life with them if I could just live that one fantasy, no matter how much it hurt when I look back at it.

I would be able to say that I was once truly in love. That I was once truly happy.

And then came Matt.

He came into my life and did almost all the stuff I wanted; he held me, hugged me, kissed me, and was romantic to me even if it was corny as hell.

And I fell for him.

That night on that rooftop, was nearly perfect. He hugged me, he kissed me, and told me that he loved me back, even if I was sure that he was just making a mistake. It was amazing. How I felt my heart ache so bad for him, how it actually felt to be loved by someone you loved back. Just amazing. I wanted to do everything and more with him; I wanted us to kiss more, to hug more, and to even make love.

But it ended there.

He denied me when I said I wanted him, saying that our relationship would fail if we did it before marriage. And that was when reality finally struck me. We would never be able to make love. We would never be able to get married. We would never be able to grow old with each other. All because I would break.

At that point I realized; it was hopeless.

It is now my biggest regret; letting the fantasy play out. Now I know what I won't be able to have at all. Now I know what true love feels like, and I can't imagine myself ever letting it go.

I hate myself so much for letting this happen, letting me taste something I can never have. It just added more insult to injury.

The time came, and my parents told me via phone that I was going to start seeing this doctor who claims he can make anyone straight. I didn't go into any of my classes on that day since I completely lost it; tearing apart my room as I screamed, thrashed, and cried. Just completely hating myself for being in this position.

So yes, I am pathetic for wanting to grow old with someone I met in high school. I am pathetic for wanting to be loved. I am pathetic for wanting to live a happy life. I am pathetic for ever thinking all those above.