Iāve spent a lot of time this last year imagining you.. What you looked like, how you dealt when he got angry, how you told him you loved him. Do you know him better than I do? Sometimes I think you had answers Iāll never have. Did he touch you like he touches me? See, Iāve spent a lot more time wondering about these things than Iād like to admit. But the nice thing about imagining is that on the bad days, I could imagine you in a way that way made me feel better. The problem though, with imagining is you never stop wondering. Itās so constant and relentless. It could drive a girl crazy, yah know? And it wasnāt until yesterday that I realized how much better being crazy was if youāre left with only your imagination, because the truth of things always suck. Because the truth of you is that youāre is so far from the girl I imagined.. And not just because youāre pretty. I always imagined you would be beautiful. Although I never imagined your body to be so hourglass. I never imagined you would look so hard. Ive always tried to be hard, but Iāve never been much good at it. The second I feel anything Iām a total mush. Some people think my trying to hide it is endearing. But it could never compare to what it must have felt like to be loved by you. To be loved by somebody who is so hard to the world, but so soft to himā¦ Itās just something I could never offer. Itās where I will always fall short of you. Maybe thatās why I always feel a little like Iām not enough. I could never make him feel that special. He always tells me I donāt let him in. But I think now, itās because I let a lot of people in, so he feels the same as everybody else. Heās not. But he doesnāt believe me. How did you make him believe you? Or didnāt you have to try. Did you know I canāt even say your name? It still hurts him too much. On the better days he tries to hide it. But itās so clear it stings. He told me you were his first. He wrote a story about you. He was pretty drunk when he let me read it. Sometimes I wonder if he forgot. I think he must have. Because in the story he wrote about the night you two spent hours skin to skin under the covers just talking. I couldnāt replicate the emotion that poured from that story if I tried, so I wonāt. But I remember one time we were skin to skin under the covers talking.. Just like you, except it wasnāt long before he jumped out of bed just to put on some shorts. Told me he felt āuncomfortableā. I think maybe it felt too much like you. Or maybe not enough. You know, in that story he talks about how you were always there for himā¦ How you being there in a low moment was the reason he proposed. He thinks Iām never there for him. How could ANYONE be ALWAYS there? Sometimes he calls at 3am. Did you ever sleep? Or maybe he just never blamed you. Did you enjoy when he took you out for monthly āanniversaryā dinners? Whatās it like to have an anniversary? He never bothered to make it official with me. Although heās made it pretty clear we are exclusive, itās not really the same as it was with you. He doesnāt call me his girlfriend. Said he doesnāt care about labels. But you got a special day. And I get him when he lets me. God I really wish he never wrote that stupid blog post about you. I wish I never read it. I bet you have no idea thereās a story out there about only you. I read it a year ago, onceā¦ I have a terrible memory, everyone knows it. But I swear I remember every word of that story. All I want is to shake it and I canāt.. And he never even mentions what you would say to him to make things better on the days he was so low, or the times he was so mad. Reading that story hasnāt helped figured him out in the least except to highlight all the ways you knew him better, and the ways he loved you better. Did you know that I canāt even drive through your town without him tensing up? I think heās still scared of running into you, of seeing you. I think if he saw you again he would completely crumble. Do you know how hard it is to hold on tight to something so fragile? He told me when we first started dating how similar we were turning out to be. How a month in, we both called him drunk from a BBQ and asked for a ride home. How we both spent two weeks away that first summer out of the country. And how we both fought with him the whole time. Itās useless comparisons, stupid, I know. But he brought it up, so it probably means something right? And basically he lovedā¦ or loves, you in a way Iāve always wanted to be loved. And so I thought of these as good things. I thought it meant maybe I can do what you did, I can be who you were. Maybe I can make him fall in love with me, by being almost you. And then heāll almost love me the same. Andā¦ I donāt even know where Iām going with this anymore. I guess what Iām really wondering is if you too spent a year feeling like you were letting him down? Is it him or is it me? Did you ever feel like you just werenāt enough? Or have I just been constantly failing at being you?
