#learningtospeak

What Today Meant

I didn’t realize how deeply rooted misogyny was engrained in me until today. I grew up being TOLD that women can be and do anything a man can and then was beaten and held down with actions that screamed the opposite. Actions that said “you can scream as loud as you want to but no one will hear you. You can fight like hell but you will never ACTUALLY be able to beat a man. A man will always overpower you. A man will always defeat you. You can try and speak but we will always interrupt. You can fight but we will always hold you down” - both literally and metaphorically.

A woman can be anything they want to be EXCEPT more powerful than a man.

I fought hard for my voice and for my self-esteem. I did years of work on myself to become who I am. I fought like to hell to speak and be heard. To not be scared of my own intellect. I had to work to feel worthy of being heard. That I, too, mattered. Then on my 26th birthday, a woman was defeated by the very man who, unapologetically, was the same man from my nightmares. The bad guy that grabs without asking and takes because he can and unabashedly shames and silences the “nasty” “bad” women who dare to say no. He won. Again. Just like he always does. Just like men like that always do. But still I fought hard to keep the footing I had rightfully earned. Continued to fight for my life, my sobriety, my voice, and my esteem. To remind myself that my integrity matters. To remind myself that if I keep doing the right thing and keep putting one foot in front of the other, my work will, one day, be rewarded. That if I fight hard enough, I can take back my body and my soul. Just because they won when I was six doesn’t mean they can win again now. I can live and love and thrive and be in spite of them. I can take control back. I can live a life so full and with equally unapologetic entitlement, that I may seize the beautiful that their darkness cannot touch.  

This last year, that voice I fought so hard for got weaker and weaker. I clung tightly to the voices of predominantly black women who seemed so strong and confident and inspired; a source of strength when my newly learned scream felt more like a whisper. Hope flirted often with hopelessness. I started to hesitate again. When a man without a mask entered a store, I often stayed quiet. Self-preservation overrides the right and moral thing. Because the message coming from the man in power was so familiar. So reminiscent of my childhood.

My very voice was an act of defiance punishable by threatened or real physical harm.

For the last year, the voices in my head have screamed “Their hate is louder than your heart. Justice will not come. Perhaps no matter how good you are, good cannot rise above. Perhaps the superheroes that failed to save you as a child failed because they dont exist. Goodness will always be outnumbered.”

Kamala Harris beat Trump. A woman is louder than a man. What she and Biden have done is SHOW me that women can be anything a man can. The words I heard but couldn’t see materialized. Here is a women that fights like hell. A woman who is loud, opinionated, and speaks with an audience who listens and no man can shut her up. No one beat her. No one silenced her or punished her. Instead, Biden chose her.  

Today the voices of millions told the ENTIRE country that hatred, racism, bigotry, misogyny, and vitriol is NOT the norm despite what the moron in office has made it seem. His behavior and the behavior of his supporters IS, in fact, unacceptable. You do not get to be openly hateful AND win. You do not get to plant harm and reap victory. You do not get to speak for the nation by silencing voices. This moment is the one I’ve waited for since I was a child. This tangible and real moment when goodness conquered evil. Superheroes are real and they walk amongst us and they always have. Hindsight shows me angels every step of the way. Thank you Stacy Abrams, Kamala Harris, RBG, and every other woman that suited up, showed up, and demonstrated unyielding grit and ferocity in the face of dangerous opposition. On this, my 30th birthday, you have given me the greatest gift of all: faith.

Van Jones said it best. “Character matters. Telling the truth matters. Being a good person matters.”