#le hoa

Hoa had a problem.

Honestly, it was more than just a problem. It was a nuisance. An unbearable, irritating nuisance named Adam.

Months ago, Hoa had the misfortune of meeting the first man on Earth for the first time in nearly a century since her arrival. They had interacted briefly before when she ascended, but she was such a recluse that once she was gifted her tower, she made it her own personal mission to avoid any and all social interaction with anyone that wasn't her assistants. This unfortunately came to an end when Sera all but demanded her presence at a heavenly meeting, insisting that all the canonized saints had to show up to offer insight into how to aid humanity.

Safe to say she hated that.

It was this very same meeting that brought the unlikely pair together, with her seat just so happening to be right next to Adam's in the balconies. Hoa almost found it funny just how absurd it was that they had been sat together, as if they were both school children that had been paired together so the class clown would stop acting out. Naturally, Adam took this opportunity to laugh and comment on how she "hadn't left her tower since the stone ages" and how she needed to stop being a shut in.

He was already getting on her nerves.

The meeting was already hard to tolerate on it's own. Angels, saints, virtues and the seraphim were all talking over eachother in an attempt to see who could offer better insight to the situation at hand. Hoa had only offered her opinions exactly twice, both times only because Sera called on her directly. She had fully intended to leave the moment the meeting ajourned, but instead, she found her path blocked by a very large man with a cocky smirk.

Adam. Attempting to reintroduce himself.

"You know," he said casually, leaning against the balcony "I don't think I ever properly welcomed you to Heaven."

Hoa stared at him blankly, clearly disinterested. "You did. About seventy years ago."

"Yeah, but that one sucked."

Her assistants scowled at him as she simply continued to stare, contemplating how she could worm her way around him so she could get home. "Is there something you require of me?"

"Are you always this antisocial? You've been here- what, eighty years?"

"Seventy or so."

"Yeah, and not once have you tried to go out and live a little. That's depressing as fuck, sweetheart."

Hoa's brow twitched in annoyance. "Excuse me?"

Clicking his tongue, he began to smirk as he crossed his arms. "Tell you what, I'm takin' ya out. Heaven deserves to see that pretty face."

"No." She said flatly, a scowl slowly coming to her face. This guy was seriously pissing her off.

"Not really askin', babe. I'm the first fuckin' man, no bitch turns down a date with me."

Hoa was quick to push past him, the conversation growing grating the longer she had to listen to his stupid voice. It seemed that apple that had gotten lodged in his throat gave him an overwhelming sense of hubris. "I said no. Have a pleasant evening."

She could see his pride was clearly hurt by a woman rejecting him, and it almost made her smile. Unfortunately, he recovered quickly. "I'll come by tomorrow!"

"You absolutely will not."

"I totally will."

"Why are you so determined to bother me?" She questioned, turning to look over her shoulder at him with brows knitted in annoyance. Adam simply shrugged at her.

"You're hot."

She couldn't hide the shock on her face. "...That is perhaps the worst reasoning I have ever heard."

"Hasn't failed me yet."

Since then, Adam had been consistently showing up at her tower. Uninvited, of course.

She assumed he simply needed something to keep himself occupied. He was bored, and now he found a shiny new distraction. She knew that all he wanted to do was to charm his way under her skirts, and once he realized she had no intention of allowing such a thing, he'd grow bored and move on. She thought he'd lose interest after the third rejection. Then the fifth. then the fifteenth.

He did not.

Every evening without fail, he'd appear on the grounds of her residence with that stupid grin stretched across his face, pushing past all of her assistants to enter her observatory as though he was meant to be there. Sometimes he'd arrive with dinner from one of Heaven's many cafes. Other times, he'd bring his guitar and attempt to impress her with little success. She'd always tell him in polite terms to shut the hell up and leave her alone.

It never really worked. In fact, he'd always come back.

She found it to be infuriating. He soon infiltrated every conversation with her assistants without her even realizing it. "He is insufferable," she'd complain, not bothering to glance up from whatever she was writing, "He walks into my tower like it is simply open to the public."

Aurora and Celeste would share knowing glances with eachother every time he was mentioned, as though they knew something she didn't. It was becoming quite concerning, how someone she found so irritating began to occupy an alarming amount of space in her thoughts.

This particular evening had been unusually quiet.

As nighttime drew closer, Hoa found herself glancing towards the observatory doors more often than she would like to admit before immediately scolding herself for doing so. Adam hadn't come by at all today. Not that she wanted him to, but the man had been insistent about bothering her without fail for months. She was simply a woman of consistency.

She was kneeling by her telescope when he finally barged in, causing her to pull away from it with a startled jump as she watched him set down... were those flowers?

"Who let you in, so I can fire them."

"Cmon, you know I let myself in babe, don't take it out on the poor assistants." He joked, looking up at her as she peeked over the lofted edge that her telescope sat on. Holding up the flowers he got her, he dramatically waved them in her face before he set them back down. "I brought food, come eat."

"I did not think you would come today. I was hoping I'd finally get some peace." She commented flatly, but Adam didn't miss the way she quickly closed her book and descended to the main floor.

"Oh?" He questioned, lips curling up into a grin as she dusted off her dress, "Did you miss me?"

"Not at all. I was quite relieved." She said, but something in her didn't feel right when the words left her mouth.

"...Uh-huh." He hummed, clearly not convinced as he reached into the paper bags he brought with him and began unpacking dinner onto her worktable.

Bahn Mi.

How'd he even remember she liked that? Wasn't he an idiot?

He seemed to notice her staring as he shrugged at her. "You complained once that Heaven's cafes never make it right. Said the bread's too soft. I found one that people say is pretty authentic."

She raised a brow at him, eyeing him up and down as if there was a catch. She had mentioned it, once, three weeks ago. It was hard to believe he genuinely kept that in mind.

"Don't be so surprised." He joked. "I pay attention when I want to."

Nudging the sandwich towards her, he waited for her to take it before digging into his own. She began to eat, glancing at the flowers he had brought her. "Lilies?"

"Celeste said they were your favorite." He said, words muffled by his food as he glanced up at her. She narrowed her eyes, taking a bite ofher own sandwich as she thought to herself. What was his angle here? Why was he putting all this effort in when she knew he was allergic to commitment of any kind? He was a brash, egotistical, foul-mouthed dumbass- and yet, she couldn't help but feel charmed that he did all this for her.

Hoa quickly shook her head in an attempt to rid herself of her thoughts. No. Absolutely not.

They finished their dinner in relative silence, only broken up by Adam occassionally talking about whatever he found cool. She wasn't really paying attention, too busy being absorbed in her thoughts. Adam was halfway through a story about him playing a prank on Sera when she finally interrupted him.

"What are you trying to prove?" She demanded, brows knitting together as she looked up at him.

He raised a brow at her in return, confusion evident on his face as he finished his last bite of food. "The fuck are you talkin' about?"

"You come here every evening." She said sharply, gesturing around her tower. "You interrupt my work. You get on my nerves. You bring me flowers I never asked for. You remember things I only said once in passing. Why?"

"I already told you." He said, huffing in annoyance at her questioning. "I like being here and bothering you."

"That isn't an explantion." She reasoned, moving to stand up from her seat as Adam watched her. "Well, it is to me." he said, shrugging as he watched her approach him.

"You are impossible."

"So you've said."

"I reject you constantly-"

"Every day, yeah."

"I am rude to you."

"Kinda shitty." Adam was growing frustrated now, moving to stand up and quickly tower over her. That only made her more agitated. "I have never once encoruaged this!"

"I never said you did, Catherine."

"Then why-" she hissed out, frustration spilling over as she clenched her fists, "Do you keep coming back?"

"I just do! Why the fuck does it matter?!" He snapped back, crossing his arms as she ran her hands through her hair. "Because it does matter, Adam! I know how you are! I have heard the stories of you chasing after women just to get what you want and leave!"

"Oh yeah? And what do you think I want?" He said with a huff.

"Sex! Sex, it is always sex with you and every other man that walked the damned Earth, Adam! You want to get under my skirts and I do not understand how I can possibly make it any clearer that I would never do that with you!" She shouted, face turning red as he scowled at her, avoiding her eyes. Of course. He knew he had been figured out, that had to be it.

"Maybe I just want to be fucking nice to you, damn- can't do shit nowadays-" He said, gritting his teeth at her as he threw his hands up.

"Please do not act as though I am an idiot Adam, you are not nice to anyone."

Adam was quick to bark out a laugh of frustration, rubbing his face as he looked at her. "That's fuckin' rich, coming from you."

"Shut up." She snapped back.

"No, no, maybe you're right. I'm only nice to you."

The steam seemed to leave Hoa immediately as she stared at him in confusion. "...Pardon me?"

He let out a sharp exhale, suddenly finding the floor much more interesting than her face. "I don't know why I keep coming back, alright?" he admitted, irritation bleeding into the gaps between every word. "I thought it'd be funny at first. You were all serious and pissed off all the time, so I figured I'd mess with you for a couple days. And I mean- yeah, I wanted to fuck. You're hot. I kinda saw it as another conquest."

Hoa couldn't hide the way her face contorted into disgust, but she didn't interrupt him.

"Listen, okay- the days just turned into weeks."

"...And?"

"And now I just..." He clicked his tongue, visibly annoyed with himself and the fact he couldn't articulate his thoughts. "...Fuck if I know."

Hoa stared at him, chewing on her lip as she listened. She didn't notice that it caught Adam's eye. "I hear someone discussing astronomy and wonder what you'd say about it. I pass a flower stand and remember that Celeste said you like lilies. I finish whatever stupid council thing i've gotta do and I think, Wonder what Catherine's up to-"

"Hoa." She corrected softly.

"...Yeah. And I remember that when I call you Catherine it irritates the hell out of you."

"So you were doing it on purpose?" She questioned, scowling.

"Not the point." He waved it off quickly. "Look, I- I don't do this shit."

"No, you don't."

"I don't remember people's food orders for fun."

"You do not."

"I don't wonder if they've taken care of themselves today, if they've eaten."

"That is true."

"I don't spend every damn evening in the same tower when I've got literally all of Heaven to fuck around in."

Silence settled between them, with their labored breathing being the only audible thing between the two of them. When did this stop being a fight? She couldn't even tell.

Adam however, looked almost offended by his own confession, throwing his hands into the air.

"So congratulations, Hoa. You've officially got me acting like a goddamn idiot."

She stared at him, her lips parting before closing again. For the first time since meeting him, she had absolutely nothing to say.

Adam waited, expecting to be scolded. Expecting rejection.

But she just... stared at him. And suddenly, they both realized just how close they were to one another. It was suffocating, breathing in eachother's air as neither of them seemed to look away. It was unbearable.

"...You're staring." She murmured.

"So are you."

"You should leave."

"Yeah, probably."

Neither of them moved. Adam's gaze dropped to her lips, and this time she noticed, heat blooming across her face.

"...Adam."

"Hoa."

It went quiet for a moment.

Then, out of sheer stubborness, as though neither of them intended to but neither of them could stop either-

They met in the middle.

They crashed against eachother quickly, lips meeting in a frustrated rush. It wasn't gentle by any means. It was months of pent up irritation and words that went unsaid coming together all at once like one big wave. His hand found her hair, her fingers twisted the front of his robe. Adam could smell the scent of parchment paper clinging to her skin. Hoa coud feel his cheeks heat up against her own. They only grew more frantic, with Hoa clumsily bumping against the table and knocking things over in an attempt to steady herself. It was feverish and intense and neither of them wanted it to end.

Hoa finally shoved him by the shoulder, pulling away from him as she gasped for air. "Stop- stop."

He did as he was told, pulling his hands away as he stared at her with hooded eyes and tousled hair. God, he looked a mess.

She didn't like how it made her feel things she normally didn't.

They stood there for a long while, breathing a little too hard and staring at each other as though one of them had committed an unforgivable crime and were too afraid to acknowledge it.

Adam spoke up first. "...I should go."

"...Yes. You should."

He backed up slowly before turning towards the door and quickly rushing for it, as though lingering any longer would cause irreperable damage to whatever the hell they were.

Then, he was gone.

The tower fell quiet again as Hoa attempted to catch her breath.

Then, her fingers unconsciously drifted to her lips, feeling them as she reeled from the shock.

Glancing back towards her table, she noticed the lilies that still rested on top of it. She stared at them for a long while, trying to form any kind of thought and failing.

Then, despite herself, despite every lecture she'd repeated in her head, despite every insistance that he was nothing more than an annoyance-

The corner of her mouth lifted into the smallest, most bewildered smile.

"...Shit." She laughed out, touching her head.

.✦ ݁˖ 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒑𝒓𝒆𝒄𝒊𝒑𝒊𝒄𝒆 - 𝑱𝒆𝒔𝒔𝒊𝒆 𝑴𝒂𝒛𝒊𝒏

I percieve this to be how Hoa realizes she's begun to have genuine feelings for Adam, and how those feelings have begun to overtake her despite her desperate insistence for them not to. The lyrics "I'll even learn to pray" really stand out for me because she historically never believed in doing such a thing, and still doesn't even though she's a saint. And yet, she's even willing to pray that Adam's serious about what he wants from her and that he's not just toying around with her feelings.

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"It's 4 a.m. and my eyes can't seem to close I'm building worlds so real, I feel it in my bones I breathe your outline when heat meets frigid air You're there"

"Bathe me in moonlight I'll even learn to pray Color me candid Just to wash it down the drain You are what's beating And aching in my chest You're there, oh"

"Touch me slow, leave a fingerprint Bring my soul to deliverance I can feel you lingering now"

.✦ ݁˖ 𝑷𝒍𝒂𝒚 𝑫𝒆𝒂𝒅 - 𝑩𝒋𝒐𝒓𝒌

I've mentioned this before, but Hoa is actually a big fan of Bjork's music, so it's likely she'd listen to this song in-universe. I feel as though it's representative of her in Heaven, her inner thoughts deep down as to why she continues to isolate herself.

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"Darling, stop confusing me With your wishful thinking"

"It's sometimes just like sleeping Curling up inside my private tortures I nestle into pain Hug suffering, caress every ache"

"I play dead, it stops the hurting."

.✦ ݁˖ 𝑷𝒕𝒐𝒍𝒆𝒎𝒂𝒆𝒂 - 𝑬𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒍 𝑪𝒂𝒊𝒏

I think this song holds so many different meanings for her. Obviously most of it pertains to how she viewed the man she was going to be arranged with in France, but I think the religious aspects can tie to her being sent off to the convent and learning about catholicism post-France. I think this song is so utterly impactful in it's storytelling; it's pure and utter fear. This entire latter half of her life was a complete horror movie for her and it still haunts her, even in death.

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"Suffer does the wolf, crawling to thee Promising a big fire, any fire"

"Suffering is nigh, drawing to me Calling me the one, I'm the white light"

"Even the iron still fears the rot Hiding from something I cannot stop"

"What fear a man like you brings upon a woman like me (show me your face)Please, don't look at me I can see it in your eyes, he keeps looking at me Tell me, what have you done? Stop, stop, stop, make it stop Stop, make it stop, make it stop I've had enough Stop, stop, stop, stop Stop, stop, stop, stop!"

"Blessed be the children Each and every one come to know their god through some senseless act of violence Blessed be you, girl Promised to me by a man who can only feel hatred and contempt towards you"

.✦ ݁˖ 𝑺𝒑𝒊𝒕 - 𝑺𝒉𝒐𝒘 𝑴𝒆 𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝑩𝒐𝒅𝒚, 𝑷𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒄𝒆𝒔𝒔 𝑵𝒐𝒌𝒊𝒂

I commonly asssociate this song with how Hoa sees herself posthumously. The beauty standards of Europe completely eroded her percieved beauty, and she sees herself as a grotesque version of who she once was. The man she was promised to was the one who did most of the damage as he constantly criticized her culture and features, attempting to strip it all away. I think the song being uncomfortable and off putting really adds to this.

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"It's filthy disgusting So ugly, I'm sure I'm ugly, disgusting And filthy for sure."

.✦ ݁˖ 𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝑭𝒊𝒓𝒔𝒕 𝑻𝒂𝒔𝒕𝒆 - 𝑭𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒂 𝑨𝒑𝒑𝒍𝒆

This one is a bit of a tone switch LOL. I've mentioned on this blog that Hoa would regularly enjoy and listen to Fiona Apple, so I felt like it fit. For me, this song represents her feelings for Adam evolving past romantic and delving into sexual territory. She refuses to cross that line with him for a while because she does not truly think he takes any sort of relationship seriously, and considering she's a complete virgin, she refuses to allow him what she believes to be bragging rights. And yet... she cant stop thinking about what his hands would feel like on her body.

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"I lie in an early bed thinking late thoughts Waiting for the black to replace my blue I do not struggle in your web Because it was my aim to get caught"

"Give me the first taste Let it begin, Heaven cannot wait forever Darling, just start the chase, I'll let you win But you must make the endeavor"

"Oh, your love give me a heart contusion Adagio breezes fill my skin with sudden red Your hungry flirt borders intrusion And I'm building memories on things we have not said."

.✦ ݁˖ 𝒕𝒐𝒘𝒆𝒓 𝒐𝒇 𝒎𝒆𝒎𝒐𝒓𝒊𝒆𝒔 - 𝒊𝒗𝒓𝒊

Bit on the nose, considering she literally works and used to reside in her tower full time. This song is how I percieve Hoa to navigate grief after Adam's death. Before she becomes aware he's reincarnated as a sinner and is at the hotel, she spends months with her newborn, attempting to navigate everything with her support system but struggling severely. His death triggered her to have extreme post-partum depression, and while she may not hallucinate Adam 24/7 like Lute does, sometimes she sees him in the darkness of her hallways. I also think it's fitting that the song that I associate with her grieving her rock-enthused husband has indie rock influences and heavy guitar.

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"I'm right where you left me The tower of memories"

"Moments I wish I could forget Wake up in a cold sweat"

"So hard to let go of I speak and I choke up I can't turn the TV off"

"I just want it all to end (I'm microscopic) Diving deeper in my own consciousness (I never wanted)"

"We're a carcass All I wanted All I wanted was you Dragged right through my conscious In the darkness I see visions of you"

.✦ ݁˖ 𝑪𝒓𝒂𝒄𝒌 𝑩𝒂𝒃𝒚 - 𝑴𝒊𝒕𝒔𝒌𝒊

Ohh Mitski, where do I even begin. I truly associate this song with Hoa and her mourning the life she had in Vietnam. She was so happy, so at peace, and ever since being violently ripped away from it, she feels hollow. There's a void in her chest and no matter how much work she tries to use to fill it, it's no use. She's starting to forget the way her home looked, the way her family looked, but she still misses them deeply and can't seem to find anything that can cure her of that sadness.

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"Down empty streets sniffing glue, me and you Blank open eyes watch the moon flower bloom It's been a long, hard 20 year summer vacation Both these 20 years tryna fill the void"

"Crack baby, you don't know what you want But you know that you had it once And you know that you want it back"

.✦ ݁˖ 𝑭𝒐𝒐𝒍 - 𝒃𝒐𝒂

GOD I LOVE THIS SONG. I feel like these lyrics are more on the nose- essentially, it's the singer talking about how she was born an eastern (asian) girl in a western world. I obviously take this meaning and mold it to fit Hoa's situation, and I feel like it works very well. The "fool" in this situation applies to both the Frenchman who tried to force her to conform to the beauty standards and the head nun who gave her the name Catherine and attempted to erase and beat out what little connection she had left to her culture.

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"I was born and raised As an eastern girl in a western world I was told to choose To choose to be what I chose to be Speaking impartially There doesn't seem to be a place for me But when I look inside I find A place to run to hide"

"Which way should I turn? Cause I seem to fall towards burning But when I look inside I find the place To cry, to fly, to die"

"You and I, born as fools now You and I think, think we rule now"

.✦ ݁˖ 𝑰𝒏𝒃𝒓𝒆𝒅 - 𝑬𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒍 𝑪𝒂𝒊𝒏

I can and will write an entire essay on this song and how I associate each line with Hoa differently, with it all pertaining to her time in France. This song is so meaningful. I associate it with her constant fear and struggle in France, but every single line has a different meaning to me that I can delve deeper into at a seperate time for now. The older brother is a reference to her actual older brother, who she's internally begging to save her despite him being dead because he's always been her protector.

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"Bare naked under my nightgown Pissing on the stove to put it out Watching him through holes in his door Sucking on the back of his leg to stay warm"

"Something smells rotten and it's starting to spread I'm bad, he's worse, we're already dead We're already dead"

"You get off on innocence so you savor this Does your baby know her daddy's a rapist? He hates the way you look at me You're already dead You're already dead If he wakes up, he'll show you what I'm talking about"

"You can't win 'em all Who knows how much longer I'll lay on the floor Touch me 'til I vomit (Touch me 'til) I'm not scared of god I'm scared he was gone all along Who will take the fall Who of us is stronger You'll just want it more If you could, you'd have fought it But you know you're not From the start, they knew you were wrong You were wrong"

.✦ ݁˖ 𝑺𝒖𝒈𝒂𝒓 𝑯𝒊𝒄𝒄𝒖𝒑 - 𝑪𝒐𝒄𝒕𝒆𝒂𝒖 𝑻𝒘𝒊𝒏𝒔

Okay so there are no genuine meaningful or straightforward lyrics to this so it's on here entirely on vibes LOL. Hoa would enjoy the Cocteau Twins a lot, so I added it on here as a means of giving the peaceful everyday vibe of her worktower, and really her as a person. Every time I listen to this song I just picture her looking at the stars through her big telescope and laying in her garden at night. It's so gorgeous and ethereal, just like her!

.✦ ݁˖ 𝑷𝒂𝒑𝒆𝒓 𝑩𝒂𝒈 - 𝑭𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒂 𝑨𝒑𝒑𝒍𝒆

This one is literally just Hoa catching feelings for Adam, and trying to cope with that. She conceals her feelings, trying to justify that it would simply never work; they're too different, he's been shown to not be the committing type, etc. Deep down, she believes she's simply a mess he won't want to deal with when he gets close enough to see it. And Yet, despite her trying to push the feelings down- she can't help but hope he reciprocates, looking for hope of genuine love in his incessant bothering of her. I also think the line "so is everything, but he didn't get it" is a little funny considering she's not the best at actually trying to make jokes, she's simply unintentionally funny 90% of the time.

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"I was staring at the sky Just looking for a star To pray on or wish on or something like that I was having a sweet fix Of a daydream of a boy Whose reality I knew was a hopeless to be had"

"Hunger hurts and I want him so bad, oh it kills 'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't want to clean up I've got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold Hunger hurts but starving works when it costs too much to love"

"I said "honey, I don't feel so good Don't feel justified Come on put a little love here in my void" He said "it's all in your head" And I said "so's everything" but he didn't get it I thought he was a man but he was just a little boy"

.✦ ݁˖ 𝒇𝒐𝒓𝒘𝒂𝒓𝒅𝒔 𝒃𝒆𝒄𝒌𝒐𝒏 𝒓𝒆𝒃𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒅 - 𝑨𝒅𝒓𝒊𝒂𝒏𝒏𝒆 𝑳𝒆𝒏𝒌𝒆𝒓

This song is so sweet:'). I percieve this to be Hoa allowing Adam into her life, allowing him to grow close to her as she attempts to be vulnerable. It's them looking at eachother, seeing their deepest vulnerable parts, and saying "I love you" anyways.

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"Over the Dead Sea, keepin' you company Thinkin', "I'm not afraid of you now" I'm not afraid of you now Lettin' my eyes close, sheddin' my soft clothes Wind blows, wind that howls like a hound Wind that laughs like a clown"

"I have nothin' to pray now Nothin' to pray now"

"Pullin' your face close, wanting the inmost Show me I'm not afraid of you now I'm not afraid of you now Villain and violent, infant and innocent Baby, both arms cradle you now Both arms cradle you now"

.✦ ݁˖ 𝑨𝒏𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒎𝒔 𝑭𝒐𝒓 𝑨 𝑺𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒆𝒏 𝒀𝒆𝒂𝒓 𝑶𝒍𝒅 𝑮𝒊𝒓𝒍 - 𝑩𝒓𝒐𝒌𝒆𝒏 𝑺𝒐𝒄𝒊𝒂𝒍 𝑺𝒄𝒆𝒏𝒆

This one makes me so emo. It's Hoa reflecting on herself, missing the girl she used to be when she was a young girl. It's her remembering her family, remembering the joy she felt with them. It's her missing her teenage years that were stripped from her when she turned 17. She misses her family and her culture, she misses the markets, she misses the smell of salt and fish, she misses the visits to the temple, she misses her connection to her ancestors, she misses watching her mother touch up her blackened teeth, she misses the sound of her brothers' laughter as she chased after both of them, she misses how her mother brushed her hair, she misses her father's voice when he read to her- she misses everything. So much.

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"Used to be one of the rotten ones and I liked you for that Now you're all gone, got your make-up on and you're not coming back Can't you come back?"

"Bleaching your teeth, smiling flash, talking trash under your breath"

"Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me"

.✦ ݁˖ 𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝑯𝒂𝒏𝒅 - 𝑨𝒏𝒏𝒂𝒃𝒆𝒍𝒍𝒆 𝑫𝒊𝒏𝒅𝒂

This is another song I can write whole essays about! This one mostly pertains to her time in the convent, forming her own opinions in the church and trying to be a catholic, despite never understanding or truly believing in the religion. It's a big symbol of how she comes to view the men long before her as the perpetrators of actions that decided her fate before she was born. It's also a very on the nose symbol of how everything that has happened to her occurred because she was a beautiful woman- or even a woman, period. And now, she's expected to be small and shut up, but she absolutely refuses to. I think it's also partially how she comes to view Adam upon first meeting- loud, bold, and arrogant- while she remains quiet and polite. Soooo many good lyrics in this one, it'll eventually get it's own essay.

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"Every time a guy writes a song, he's a cowboy, a sailor Playing with the world in his palm like the first pioneer Every time he opens his mouth, it's a loud movie trailer Clipping every image and sound he thinks proves he was here"

"A scroll, a nod, a message from God, a son, a Holy Father"

"Every time a guy writes a song, he's a sailor, a cowboy Holding out the world in his palm like he made it himself Every time I open my mouth, I think, "Wow, what a loud noise" Still on the soapbox, just hoping I seem underwhelmed"

"The hand, the pen, the writing again, the wind around the willow The felt, the ice, the passage of time, the melting down the window The now, the then, the thinking of "when," the bottle in the ocean The strike, the pause, the message from God forbid she shows emotion"

"This isn't rage, it's worth a mention This is a fake internal tension Sometimes, I spread out one opinion And stand on its back to gauge attention This isn't rage, it's too specific I like to hate symbolic limits This is no statement, I'm complicit This is a dream, God put me in it"

"The strike, the pause, the message from God, does that make me His daughter?"

.✦ ݁˖ 𝑪𝒊𝒄𝒐 𝑩𝒖𝒇𝒇 - 𝑪𝒐𝒄𝒕𝒆𝒂𝒖 𝑻𝒘𝒊𝒏𝒔

This is totally based off of vibes again. Hoa's just such a pretty cutie and I love her, and when she does express happiness, this is her aura as a song.

.✦ ݁˖ 𝑽𝒊𝒆𝒏𝒏𝒂 (𝑰𝒏 𝑴𝒆𝒎𝒐𝒓𝒊𝒂𝒎) - 𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝑨𝒓𝒎𝒚, 𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝑵𝒂𝒗𝒚

I view this as an overarching metaphor for Hoa's life. The content of the song being about a mouse being hunted and killed by a cat parallels how she was kidnapped and eventually died as a result of the horrific things she faced and the situation she was placed in. It's an empathetic, sweet song meant to mirror how one would view her story.

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"Looks like the cat did a number on you Vienna, oh He took a brick off the side of the stoop Poor vienna It′ll be over soon Your mamas waiting for ya But you're not coming home You′re not coming home"

"Your mamas been so worried Cause you never came home Beneath the ground you're buried In memoriam And god I've lived a lifetime Because I′m big and tall But who am I to kill for The crime of being small?"

.✦ ݁˖ 𝑯𝒆𝒂𝒗𝒆𝒏 𝒐𝒓 𝑳𝒂𝒔 𝑽𝒆𝒈𝒂𝒔 - 𝑪𝒐𝒄𝒕𝒆𝒂𝒖 𝑻𝒘𝒊𝒏𝒔

I know all the cocteau twins is probably getting repetitive, but again, this is literally just her aura as she moves about her day. So cutie I love her sm!!

.✦ ݁˖ 𝒀𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒈𝒆𝒓 𝑻𝒉𝒂𝒏 𝒀𝒐𝒖 - 𝑾𝒉𝒊𝒓𝒓

I feel like I've come to associate this to how Hoa sits in her tower and works all day as a way of coping and managing. She pushes people away, minimizes her feelings, and keeps quiet. She never thought she'd make it to Heaven, if it was even real, and now she feels stagnant about her place. While part of her is scared by the notion of spending an eternity like this, she also can't help but continue to isolate herself as it's now become the "safe" route for her.

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"Had a conversation off face Played down how I feel Let myself be hypnotized With old memories"

"I've had a few Moving too fast Further from you"

"Weathered and bruised Like the train tracks Laid out and ruled Derailed Grow older

I'll never do All the things that I wanted to I'll just sit back and tell my friends And pretend I'm younger than you"