#layan

“What plans?”, Tasneem wondered, looking down at me.

I had not wanted to tell her at all, maybe after it was all over. After all she had been looking forward to Omar's birthday party for quite some time now as they were pretty good friends. Honestly it surprised me that she had waited so long to ask me to come along. Although she had probably just assumed that I would agree to tag along anyway.

“You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. It's okay”, she reassured me. “It's not like you're obliged to tell me where you are just because I'm your girlfriend.”

“That's not it. I just … I'm going to a memorial for Layan. And I didn't want to tell you because I was scared that you'd feel weird about it or wouldn't be able to enjoy the party”, I admitted.

“Do you want me to come?”, she offered.

“You don't have to.”

She interrupted me: “I know. That's why I asked if you wanted me to come.”

“I don't want you to miss out and feel out of place”, I noted.

“Still not what I asked”, she reminded me.

“Okay”, I snapped. “I want you to come! Happy now?”

She gently stroke through my hair, calming me down again. “I'll come”, she promised.

I wanted to resist again. It felt like I did not deserve her kindness, her support. But at the same time I desperately tried to resonate with myself. After all it was probably my grief that was talking, the urge to isolate myself. The guilt of not being able to save Layan that was gnawing at me. The guilt that was trapping me, telling me that I deserved to suffer.

But it was all in the past. It still hurt of course and rationally thinking it should. Layan had been incredibly precious to me after all.

Yet Tasneem was with me now and I did not want to miss out on my life with her over the one I had lost with Layan. There simply was no going back in time. And considering it was making me feel torn.

Because even if I could change the past, it would mean to lose Tasneem. So the what if scenario was not soothing in the slightest.

“I'm sorry for yelling at you”, I apologized.

“It's nothing really. Hiba's way worse, you know”, she claimed.

“I still don't like it. I don't wanna hurt you”, I noted.

“Like I did when you visited me for the first time?”, she wondered.

“Is it still bothering you?”, I inquired.

I took her hand that was caressing me and turned around a bit to be able to look up at her properly.

“Kinda”, she admitted. “You didn't deserve that.”

“But you needed to vent”, I pointed out. “You were just not used to talking about your feelings. That's why you talked me down. Of course, it wasn't the right way to handle it, but you did all you could. Apologize and not repeat it. There's no need to beat yourself up over it.”

She softly smiled down at me and gave me a kiss on the forehead.

“But about Hiba”, I changed the topic, sadly making her smile falter. “I really think you should talk to her.”

“Did you forget how she treated you? She literally threatened you”, she recalled.

I had told her about the bathroom incident. Not to screw Hiba, but to get it off my chest.

“Just view it from her perspective. You two have been best friends and all of a sudden you started hanging out with Sarah, placing her over everything and everyone else, including her. I bet she feels like you replaced her and that's why she's acting out so much. She misses and needs you. Now you're spending pretty much all your time with me, which I'm not complaining about by the way. But I think it's understandable for her to be jealous and feel left out”, I considered.

There was a small moment of silence as she was taking my words in.

“Shit”, she cursed quietly. “Why do you always have to be right?”

“Naturally gifted”, I joked, earning a laugh from her. “You could ask her to spend the weekend with you.”

“But we already have plans”, she reminded me.

“Which won't disappear until the next weekend”, I remarked. “I don't want to force you to do anything, but that way you can find out how to handle the situation. You know what your therapist advised you.”

“Be blunt with the people I care about instead of holding up a facade. Yeah, I know”, she declared.

“So what do you think?”, I questioned.

“Okay, I'll try. I do miss her”, she confessed. “Although I really don't wanna leave you alone after tomorrow.”

“Maybe I can hang out with Rania”, I suggested. “I haven't seen her in a long time.”

“Who's Rania?”, Tasneem wondered.

“Layan's best friend. We also came along well, but we kinda lost each other after Layan's death. Were too busy grieving, I guess”, I enlightened her.

“I'll text Hiba then”, she proposed.

I only hoped that it would all work out.

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Next Chapter

So what do you think?

Ever since then she hasn’t left me alone as she repeatedly stopped me in halls, classes, locker rooms, restrooms, everywhere. She was everywhere taunting me just because she found it entertaining to do so. “What’s wrong, loner? Don’t have any friends? Aww no one wants to be around you, I can see why.” she would say. And because I never responded she’d eventually get bored and leave only to return the next day.

It was finally the first weekend. I was in my room when I got a text from a number I hadn’t seen pop up in a while, that read ‘It would be great to have you there y/n’ Rania then sent a location along with another attached message, ‘A memorial for Layan’. My finger hovered over the notification until I pressed it. She also sent the time and picture of the entrance. ‘It’s tonight’ she typed, I didn’t reply not wanting to promise anything. 

I put together an outfit carelessly, a sweater and jeans with sneakers. Then checked the time to see how long I had left but not before poking my head out the door listening to see if anyone other than me was home, thankfully I was alone, and I had about an hour to spare so I decided to have a walk around the area, locking my room so they’d think I’m sleeping. 

Once I arrived I was surprised and overwhelmed by how many people were going into the room the memorial was being held in, I contemplated on whether I should go in or just leave and go back home. They’d understand, right? But it didn’t feel right… So instead I decided to watch from outside of the building, the room had lots of windows so it wasn’t hard. For once I was grateful for how dark it was outside because whoever was inside couldn’t see me. More people were flooding in and so did the memories. Eventually Rania came in with Noaf and….Miss Abeer? Shit.

But that wasn’t all, when Rania sang a song in honor of Layan, she nodded towards someone at the entrance to come and sit with a smile. When I shifted my eyes in curiosity as to who came in when everyone was here… “no..” I whispered to myself. ‘How dare she show her face here?’ I thought to myself. To say I was enraged would be an understatement, tears welled up in my eyes in frustration once they comforted her as she cried. I felt betrayed. Everyone knows she’s the reason Layan was caught. If she had just minded her own business, I would still have my older sister. But instead she’s here…crying!? When she clearly has no right to.

I waited until everyone started to leave, leaving only Noaf, Dina, Rania, Ruqqaya, and Mariam catching up sitting in a circle, before slowly walking inside the room tear stains evident on my face. “y/n?” Noaf sprinted towards me for a hug which led the others to come forward as well. However, my eyes didn’t leave Mariam’s face where she awkwardly stood avoiding my gaze which eventually the others realized and let go making the tension in the room grow more intense. “I think…it’s best I leave. My mom is waiting for me” I felt too betrayed to move as I watched her leave.

“Are you guys serious? You invited HER?” My voice cracked while I stared at them in disbelief “she feels remorse, it wa-” Dina attempted to defend her “SHE’S A KILLER FOR FUCKS SAKE!” I take a step towards her with my eyes still wide in shock about the fact that they continuously defended her. “Hey. It wasn’t her fault. She was defending herself from your bullshit. If anything it’s definitely your brother’s fault he killed her for “honor” what kind of family does that? You all are SICK.” Noaf walked out after that with Dina following behind calling her name, neither sparing anyone a glance. 

I turned towards the other two who stepped closer to me in an attempt of comfort but I just stepped back and looked at them, “Is that what you think as well..?” “y/n of course not, I get where you’re coming from, but what’s done is done and throwing the blame around over something that fate had decided is no use.” Ruqqaya pulled me in for a hug, which Rania eventually joined, and my head instantly slumped on her shoulder allowing the tears of grief to fall. No matter how much I cried it never seemed like enough. Never seemed like the grief would end. “I miss her so much” my voice broke into a sob “we miss her too y/n, we miss her too” Rania sniffled patting my back gently. 

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I lost track of time and arrived back home when it was close to midnight, carefully making my way up the stairs knowing that there’s a high chance my parents or brothers are back home. “Where were you?” Saleh, the second eldest, sternly asked, but before I could even think of an answer he pulled me towards him roughly by my hair while he stared intensely at my neck. He gave me a look of pure disgust and hatred, then striking my face which automatically made me yelp in shock and pain. ‘The cigarette burn! I’ve hidden it pretty well for a while I’m sure of it. Must’ve smudged and wore off leaving the angry irritated wound to stand out’ 

“What’s going on? Saleh what happened why’d you hit her??” my mom tried to pry off his hands from my hair but he only tugged harder making my face scrunch up in pain. My eyes were so dry from all the crying today I had no strength to cry anymore. “Your second mistake of a daughter is following into her older sister’s shoes.” He angrily points at the burn, it took me a while to understand what was going through his mind and when I did I tried to clear things up. “No wait you don’t understand! I swear it’s not what you think, I got burnt doing my hair I swear it” I attempted to defend but he didn’t seem to believe me, and neither did my mother with the evident look of sadness and disappointment showing up in her eyes. 

“I say we punish her so she doesn’t turn into her slutty sister. Who died in shame.” He spat, “How could you say such a thing about Layan you stupid son of a-” I attempt to repeat his actions back at him but before I lift my arm to swing it he doesn’t hesitate to smash my head against the railing causing my mom to scream at him to stop but I just feel the tugging at my hair get more intense till he throws me into the shared bathroom and locking me in. My vision was blurry and I could feel some sort of liquid trickling down my head, I reached for it and saw that it was my own blood. Suddenly the lights flickered then went off. This. THIS threw me off. They know I hate being trapped in dark tight spaces. 

“I don’t want to hear a single sound from you. UNDERSTOOD?” my father shoved his pointed finger in my tear stained face. Yelling at seven-year-old me for making a fuss about not eating my food, which I didn’t like because I hated vegetables. When I didn’t respond and just continued crying he put me in his closet and locked it with his key causing me to only scream louder and hit the closet door in an attempt to get out. After a while Layan, who was 8, would always unlock the closet with a screwdriver and get me out. As a way to comfort me we’d play Ludo or other boardgames while we hid from our dad and brothers under the bed. Yes it was tight and dark but she was there with me…protecting me.

next chapter

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