#lawl...

am i an asshole? am i a dick for not returning to her or that side of the family after a decade?

i know i'm not. he sodomized me. he sodomized me with their daughter-in-law's sex toys and they left me. my grandparents and my mom left me, just in different ways. that is unforgivable.

what is it about the people in my life that makes them see a sign around my neck that says 'TAKE THIS LIFE FOR GRANTED.' jessica says my flights of fancy around suicide, and my multitudinous half-hearted attempts to strangle myself with a phone cord or braided parachute cord or a belt, were all about trying to get back a shred of agency.

if my mom thought she had unimpeded access to my body, fine. if she thought she had complete authority to belittle, abuse, demean, and insult my thoughts, mind, intelligence, and sense of moral clarity, fine. if she thought she had the authority to hallucinate that i'd committed thought crime and completely obliterate me onto a wall as revenge, fine. if my dad thought he could penetrate me with his fingers and with toys and then would shrug it all off as not counting, fine. if he thought he had the right to fill my body with schnapps and alcohol-free margaritas and the right to buckle my body into a car he'd drunkenly sound careening down the main drag, fine. if my grandparents and my mom thought they could smoke and puff secondhand smoke around me, fine. if my mom thought she could batter me for failing to do the housework until i did every chore i could think out of out of a fear of "forgetting the one thing she asked" again, fine. if she felt secure in her right to deny me arthritis medication, and therapy, and hospitalization (enough to use it as a reactionary threat to scare me into silence if i started showing signs of mental illness as a result of her treatment so sayeth jessica), fine.

i could take away their servant, their maid, their sex object, their whipping girl, their table-setter, the only award-winner of the known family, their napkin-folder, towel-hanger, toilet roll-replacer, dishwasher, therapist, friend, emotional confidante, "girl friend," bed warmer, sheet-changer,

shadow just came to my office to talk about skulls and martial arts never mind post cancelled ^_^