Terrific and Terrible 2017
If 2017 had a face that would be “resting bitch face.” That is the look when someone’s face is expressionless but murderous. It was the same way 2017 looked at me as I struggled, learned and moved forward. I wouldn’t say that it was the best year or the most awesome year, nevertheless, I am grateful for so many reasons, hence, the title of this article.
More than half of my 2017 was terrible! I struggled in many aspects of my life and no one would have noticed until they have heard my story. It was terrible when I lost my passion, myself, my heart and some people I deeply love and admire, all in the same year. I had to start from scratch to find the first three but the last one, I lost completely. Slowly, I drifted away from life and then I became dead inside. The word happy did not even exist in my world for some time. So, I lived my life in isolation because the zombie in me didn’t want to infect the rest of the world.
While isolation gave me peace and quiet, I couldn’t lie to myself- it was not the healing I was looking for. It dawned on me that I was only running away- from all the pain, confusion, numbness, and most importantly, my life. Why was I running away? The truth was, I was tired to start over again and to invest my time, effort and emotions to things I might believe and eventually will lose again. So, I just became a zombie because it was easy that way- just move without any emotion. But by simply moving, the zombie in me was cured along the way.
I don’t know when, but one day, my heart started beating again and I felt everything around me became warm. I have to thank all the humans who were responsible for the recovery of my lost passion, self and heart. I thank God for sending wonderful human beings at the right time and at the right place to rescue my dying heart. I couldn’t be more grateful to those who were once strangers but are now my friends; to the people that I already have and stayed; and my family.
No family is perfect but my family will always be my number 1. I thank them for believing in me when I couldn’t believe in myself and for allowing me to fly freely in pursuit of my “personal legend” shit, though, it would mean leaving the comfort of our home. The support that they gave me last year was massive even if I had no plans, direction and was not even myself. I was in deep crisis of self-discovery, but they knew the zombie in me, so in silence they respected every unsure decision I made. I am forever grateful to God for my family- for their love and their wisdom. Thank you for not giving up on me. Cheers to a more blessed year for us!
Additionally, I am forever grateful for the people that I already have and stayed in my life all through the years, through ups and downs, thick and thin, sadness and happiness, decaf and caffeinated, video call and no video call. Although, we live our different lives (sometimes in different time zones), they still chose to journey with me. I just pray that they won’t get tired of me and will continue to support me even if I fail, to love and accept me despite my flaws, and to make me happy when I cannot even make myself smile. Cheers to you beautiful people- for your life and friendship! May 2018 be a superb year for you, your family and your dreams. Please know that I am here for you in case you become a zombie, which I hope you won’t.
As I moved forward, I will never forget the angels God sent me in the midst of my struggle and pain. Angels who have changed me in ways I couldn’t imagine they could do to me. They have amazingly opened my heart and made me believe in the magic of love and kindness; and that people do not have to know each other for years to be good to each other. I am humbled and thankful to everyone who helped me when I was lost, confused, tired and numbed inside. Thank you for helping me find my way when I got here in Thailand and thank you so much for bringing back the warmth in my life. It meant so much that you were there to extend your arms for me, even if, some of you had just met me for the first time. May 2018 be a glorious year for our friendship. Cheers to your good health and happiness! Much love and respect to you all, always.
Lastly, to the people I completely lost and probably won’t get back, thank you for the wonderful memories! I won’t lie, it wasn’t easy to recover from losing you, but there is no bitterness in my heart anymore. I believe God had to take you away for me to grow up and be strong. I am only holding on to the happy memories we’ve shared and the lessons I learned from you. There is probably no one who could replace you in my life but that’s okay- I am now okay. I have “the poly clown” “my poly dad” and “the stranger with an angelic face” to thank for that. The three people who have brought so much positivity to my terrific and terrible 2017.
Just like someone with a resting bitch face, they are not always feeling bitchy. It’s just like 2017, which started with all the terrible things and the help came a bit late, but then it gave me something terrific in the end. So, even if I was in a deep shit last year, I can’t help but be grateful for the little terrific things that filled my life. After 365 days, I can say that I am a better version of myself packed with the following lessons learn from the previous year such as:
1. Focus on what’s positive like the people who truly care for you.
2. Have faith. Always. You have nothing to lose (just lessons learned)
3. Let go of the things you have no control of (Remember Number 2, that’s life. So, let it go.)
4. Everyone deserves to be happy and be treated right.
5. Forgive yourself for what you have done or haven’t done. Punishing yourself is not fair.
6. Be thankful for the people who are always there for you during your down times.
7. Be kind to people especially strangers. The possibilities are endless. *insert smiley emoji*
8. If you want to know something, politely ask the person involved, and respect them if they don’t want to answer the question.
9. Open your heart and mind to changes, then go with the flow.
10. Everyone struggles, so stop thinking that you are the only one. Reminder: God is bigger than every fear and struggle you have. All you need to do is pray.
11. When you are tired, rest but don’t ever quit! Never! EVER.
12. Listen to people and their story, you might learn a thing or two.
I will keep these lessons to heart as I move forward and keep chasing my bigger dreams. Thank you and goodbye 2017, my terrible and terrific year.
