#late20s

like putting down a bag i kept saying wasn’t that heavy

no more waiting no “maybe”'s hidden inside my days no versions of us i have to keep alive

i really thought hope made this beautiful but it only made it longer bitter

and now, without it, there is space

I woke up tired today. I just wanted to stay in bed with my boyfriend and my dog. We haven’t stayed in bed and cuddled in a long time, mostly because I didn’t want to. But today I did. Not because I love him, but because I needed it. I needed a hug from someone who loves me, or at least appreciates me for who I am. I know it sounds very selfish and bad for him but sometimes relationships are not all love and rainbows. Even if you've found your soulmate.

Anyway, I woke up later than usual, about 30 minutes late, so I got to work 30 minutes late too. Everything’s fine. I’m working on a project I actually like, with some cool people and others who are… annoying. And when I say annoying, I mean hautain, frustrated-with-life kind of annoying.

I’m tired, not because it’s Monday, but because I went out Saturday night. I’m 27 now, not 20 anymore. It’s different. Slightly, but I feel it. I feel older, not old, but older, in my body, in my thoughts, in those fine lines under my eyes that weren’t there before. In how long it takes to recharge. I feel older because I don’t need things anymore. And because it’s been eight years since us. That’s a long time.

Still, I had a good weekend. I went out with my best friend, my boyfriend, and a few others. I had fun. But again, you slipped out of my mouth that night.

On Sunday, I woke up next to my best friend. It was different from the routine. We laughed so hard all day until our abs hurt, from the moment I woke up. Then we went to brunch and I took her to that cute coffee place near my place. She liked it. We laughed hard there too. We were hungover, and our conversations barely made sense, unfinished thoughts, random jokes, but we just laughed and laughed. I hadn’t laughed like that in so long. It felt good to have her close this weekend.

Anyway, I had a good weekend, and I’m happy I can still have fun like that, like we were 15 again.

But… I’m worried I guess. In that bar’s bathroom, I caught myself looking again, checking what you were up to. All I wanted to do was text you and ask how you’re doing. Are you happy? Do you spend enough time with your daughter and your girlfriend? What do you worry about these days, I’d love to talk about it with you. She looks just like you, and she’s the cutest. I hope you’re a good dad. I’m sure you are and doing your best. I miss talking to you.

Do you still think of me sometimes? Do you still wonder what we could’ve done differently? Do you ever look at my socials too? Do you wonder what kind of music I’m into now? The movies I’d make you watch or the ones you’d make me love?

Anyway. Other than that, I had a good weekend. I danced a lot. I know you would’ve liked the places we went to.

I hope you’re well. Well… now I have to go back to work :) Still tired, but I’m taking my time. Nobody’s bothering me, so… yeah.

Also, my today fav songs : Candy by Mk.gee & Darlin' by Jean Dawson

And one last thing, a big thought I had. I feel like he’s teaching me how to love and prioritize myself, in all the ways possible. It makes me cry, hate him, hate myself, love him, and love myself, all at once. Maybe that’s what love is supposed to do. Maybe that’s how I’m learning to really love him. Especially myself.

I can relate here... "find a dream that makes you actually want to get up in the morning."