#lambert pranks

Jaskier: Shhhh. I put some oil on the bottom step to make Lambert slip and fall

Geralt: Ah. So the pranks continue, despite your truce

Jaskier: Of course they do! I'm no wilting flower and Lambert cannot trick me into complacency. Now shush! He's coming!

Lambert, bounding down the stairs, knife in hand, just to slip and stab his thigh: Fucking fuck! My fucking leg! JASKIER!

Jaskier, coming around the corner panicked: Why were you running with a knife?!

Lambert: Why wouldn't I be running with a knife! Fuck. Go get Triss!

Jaskier, starting to shake and stutter in panic: R-right! I'm going!

Lambert, chuckling the second Jaskier's out of sight and pulling the prop knife away from his leg and wiping away the "blood": Heh. The ol' knife trick gets 'em every time

Jaskier: Oh, I just make pancakes but toss a handful of candies into them. She loves it

Geralt: She's absolutely not having those ever again, I'd like Ciri to live to adulthood with teeth and a functioning brain

Jaskier: Oh come now, my mother did that all my childhood and I turned out perfectly fine

Geralt, peering at Jaskier about to throw a spoiled orange at the back of Lambert's head: ...Hmmm

Geralt: No

Lambert: I said *pretend*

Geralt: Still no

Lambert: C'mon, that'll really rile up Jaskier

Geralt: I am not helping either of you in your stupid prank war

Lambert: But Jaskier had Yennefer help him put vocal enchantments on Roach to pretend she can speak so they can see how you react

Geralt: ...I'm in

Geralt: Not for the sex prank, but for something that isn't completely fucking stupid