#jaskier pranks

Jaskier: Shhhh. I put some oil on the bottom step to make Lambert slip and fall

Geralt: Ah. So the pranks continue, despite your truce

Jaskier: Of course they do! I'm no wilting flower and Lambert cannot trick me into complacency. Now shush! He's coming!

Lambert, bounding down the stairs, knife in hand, just to slip and stab his thigh: Fucking fuck! My fucking leg! JASKIER!

Jaskier, coming around the corner panicked: Why were you running with a knife?!

Lambert: Why wouldn't I be running with a knife! Fuck. Go get Triss!

Jaskier, starting to shake and stutter in panic: R-right! I'm going!

Lambert, chuckling the second Jaskier's out of sight and pulling the prop knife away from his leg and wiping away the "blood": Heh. The ol' knife trick gets 'em every time

Jaskier: I'm not even doing anything this time!

Geralt: Exactly. This time. Saying it every so often can protect me from your hijinks

Jaskier: Oh trust me, nothing can protect you from my hijinks if I want you in them

Geralt: All the more reason to never trust you

Jaskier: Fair, honestly

Jaskier: But what if I asked very adorably, batting my blue eyes, for you to get involved in my hijinks?

Geralt, hiding a blush: ...Fine

Jaskier: Good, because I've pissed off a couple local guards in the past few hours, so keep an eye out for three men with egg on them at all times

Jaskier: I made it for her

Geralt: Why would you do this?

Jaskier: Oh don't worry

Geralt: Our bedroom is above hers, Jaskier

Jaskier: Not anymore

Geralt: ???

Jaskier, smirking: Yennefer's is. I said Ciri would appreciate the closeness and the witch got all twitterpated. We'll see how she feels about it in the morning. Maybe she won't steal my fucking toast

Geralt: Did you do all of this just to-

Geralt: No

Lambert: I said *pretend*

Geralt: Still no

Lambert: C'mon, that'll really rile up Jaskier

Geralt: I am not helping either of you in your stupid prank war

Lambert: But Jaskier had Yennefer help him put vocal enchantments on Roach to pretend she can speak so they can see how you react

Geralt: ...I'm in

Geralt: Not for the sex prank, but for something that isn't completely fucking stupid

Jaskier: Her enchantments robust, she seemed but of lore

Jaskier: If only the whole Continent knew she was such a fucking whor-

Yennefer: Finish that word and you're dead, bard

Jaskier: -ible, self-centered, book-sniffing bore

Yennefer: Are you done?

Jaskier: Yes

Yennefer, opening a teleportation ring under his feet: I hope your childish petulance was worth it

Jaskier: I only opened my mouth. Way to make a man feel abhorred, you-

Yennefer: Don't you dare pull that. What are you up to?

Jaskier: ... That kind of information will cost you

Yennefer: If you don't tell me, it certainly WILL cost you

Jaskier, choosing snitching over death: Fine, Geralt paid me to follow you around singing "Her Sweet Kiss"

Yennefer: ...

Yennefer: What a little bitch

Yennefer: I won't kill you if you do a little favor for me

Jaskier: As long as your rage isn't directed my way, I'm all in

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