#lakewoodtask

I want to start off by saying how truly sorry I am for everything. I never wanted to break our family apart, I never wanted you to grow up in a broken home. I never wanted your other dad to be heartbroken and so distraught about everything. I never wanted you guys to leave Camden, but I knew that it was the best in the end. No matter how many times I tried telling your dad that he was an idiot for doing so. But when you’re young, you do dumb things that you’d never think you’d do in a million years. And that’s no excuse nor does it make what I did any better, but it’s just truth. What I did was ridiculously stupid because it cost me two people in my life that I love very, very much.

You don’t know everything that happened, and you can thank your dad for that - it was honestly for the best. But I want to tell you the good before the bad, and you can make your own decisions on how you feel about the situation later. 

Me and your dad met when we were in our first year at uni, your dad had just arrived and I had been in a pretty bad relationship. I was sick, cancer if you can believe it. I didn’t see any hope for me, I even refused treatment for the longest of time because I just didn’t care. And I’m so thankful that I went through and had it anyway, ‘cause had I not I wouldn’t have met your dad. I wouldn’t have had the chance to have you and that’s a pretty scary thought. Your dad was a complete idiot, he liked to talk smack and he was always getting himself in trouble with someone but that didn’t stop me from thinking that he was an interesting person. Mind you I could hardly understand a word he said when he spoke to me - but I played along and acted like I did until I eventually got more familiar with it. And we started off as good friends, really good friends. He pretty much showed me that I deserved better than what I had, that I deserved to actually be appreciated and loved and taken care of like any person would want. So I broke it off with my boyfriend at the time - you don’t need to know much about him, he was just... he wasn’t a good guy I’ll put it that way. And your dad was there for me everyday after that.

Things escalated pretty quickly between me and him, and everyone could see it. Everyone just knew that we had fallen for one another and we just didn’t want to admit to it because well, we were young and dumb and had been hurt so many times in the past that it just didn’t seem like we’d ever be happy with someone again. Yet we trusted each other and spilled out our life stories like we’d known one another forever, we trusted each other in ways that I’ve never trusted a human being before in my life. Your dad even made me promise to not fall in love with him and I couldn’t. And I’m so glad that I didn’t make that promise. Nearly a month later he and I were dating, and we were so in love from the start you’d swear we were something out of a romance novel. We were practically made for each other - and people hated that. They didn’t get how we could be so happy with each other all the time, how we hardly fought, or anything of the sorts. We were just in love and living our lives without a care in the world. And a month turned into three and things got rough for the both of us.

Your dad and me, we haven’t always been the healthiest. I’m sure by now you know of your dad’s condition - you’ve even been taught how to call for an ambulance for him if things get bad. Which I’m so proud about - and of course I mentioned mine. Things really got bad for a little bit, I wasn’t getting any better, I was ready to give up and toss in the towel but I didn’t. Your dad was tired of being sick too, he was scared - just like I was and we knew that we wanted to be together forever. We knew that if something awful were to happen to one of us we’d have no say so in what happened with the other, and in that moment we decided that we were gonna go off and get married. And people were so shocked, it was hilarious. But we never once had second thoughts about what we had done. We just knew that we wanted one another and that was more than enough. 

We were married for nearly six months when we started talking about having babies. We were doing better with our health and we knew that we wanted to have a family, whether it be huge or small we just needed one. And that’s when we found Jane, the loveliest woman in the world - you know, aside from your Auntie Macy. She helped us bring you into the world. I remember the day that we found out that Jane was pregnant with you, me and your dad were a nervous wreck, but the moment she told us that she was we both broke into tears. It was the happiest moment of our lives. For the next nine months we set up a nursery - which I thought we’d never finish because we couldn’t agree on paints, or furniture - and you were all we could talk about. We were so ready for you to be in our lives, we were so ready to have our daughter. We were ready for our family to be a whole. And when you made your arrival, you had me and your dad wrapped around your tiny little finger the moment you opened your eyes and saw us. 

We didn’t stay in the states too long, we moved out to Camden to be with Gran, and to have a new start at our life. We stayed there for awhile before things got messy. 

I was in school, your dad was doing his music and using his studio to help aspiring musicians. It was amazing, everything was going so damn good for the longest but then I had to go and mess it up. I’m not going to sugar coat it and tell you some lie about what I did because I feel you’re old enough to understand what I’m talking about. Though I’m warning you now, if you even think about doing some of the dumb things I did, you’re gonna be grounded until you’re 50. 

I went to a party one night at the college, there were people there, people I knew and didn’t know. There was beer, because what college party isn’t going to have alcohol, right? I drank, and drank and drank - even though I shouldn’t have because I’m a real lightweight. And one thing led to another and I was taking some MDMA, something you better not even think about touching. And there was a boy from one of my classes that I had been staring down and apparently I wanted him in the state of mind I was in. And one thing led to another and well, I cheated on your dad. I remember the next day was something awful. I knew just how bad I hurt your dad and I couldn’t even begin to show or tell him how sorry I truly was. I ruined his trust and there was no way I could earn it back. He took you that day, you guys stayed in a hotel I think. And I was so angry at him for taking you but it was for the absolute best. Had you not gone with your dad, you probably would have turned out to be as bad as I was. And I didn’t want that for you - no matter how many times I fought with your dad about it.

You guys left though, and I didn’t hear word from you guys after that. Your dad kept me out of the picture for the best - so don’t be angry with him. You were too small to understand anything, but I always knew deep down that your remembered me when I came to the states and found you guys. It was hard at first, I didn’t think your dad would want me around, but it was like once we saw one another we had that spark again. And just know, your dad made up a fake boyfriend to make me jealous - because I’m sure he’s never going to admit to that. I was so nervous to be back in your life, but as time has gone on I couldn’t be happier. You’re my little girl, my baby, and all I ever wanted to do was raise you and to love you as much as I possibly could. I don’t want you to be angry at your dad, I don’t want you to hate him because he did all of this for you. You should thank him, really. 

I just want you to know I’m not going anywhere again, I’m always gonna be here for you and I promise you that. I love you so much, baby girl. And I hope I’ve done good by you.

Love always,

First of all, I just want to tell you that college is actually pretty fucking amazing. I don’t know why you were so worried for me to go and spread my wings, it’s been a pretty awesome experience so far. Is it difficult? Yeah, but isn’t life itself a bit difficult? I’m learning a lot, I’m actually progressing in my classes, making to lectures on time, and I’m actually going to class. It’s a miracle, right? But I’m really excited to be here. It’s a lot more than I thought college would be - and maybe it’s a good thing I can’t hear. Means I miss out when people are talking about parties and everything so I actually study and do what I need to in order to pass.

I just want to thank you guys for letting me go. I know that it hasn’t exactly been the easiest over these past few years with me losing my hearing and needing to go to special classes to learn how to communicate. I know it was difficult when I was angry at the world for my stupid decisions, and I’d just like to apologize for being such a little brat and angry at you guys. It wasn’t your fault, it was mine and I’ve accepted that. I realize that there are always consequences to your actions, and sometimes they’re pretty tough to live with. But, you just gotta deal with it and keep living life to the fullest, right? 

If there’s one thing you guys taught me it was that you need to work hard, even if that means losing time on the things that are supposed to matter. I never understood why you guys worked so hard, we were fine. More than fine, I mean you showered me with money and expensive things all the damn time to buy my love. I just wanted sometime with y’all really. But I guess I get it now. When you’re hung up in a job that you really like doing, you’ll do whatever you can to excel in it. I just wish that we had gotten to spend more time together and make more memories and laughs and maybe even sad things. I wish I could have heard mom laugh more, that was something I always loved hearing. Or dad telling a stupid dad joke that was so horrible it was good. I miss that. But I know you guys have your lives and you’re trying to be the best - even though in my opinion you already are. 

I guess I just want to say thanks for showing me what I hope I become, minus the keeping myself so busy I have to try to buy my love with people. I think that you guys should take a break, live a little like I’m doing. Getting out of there was the best decision I’ve ever made. But anyway, I’ll see you guys on holiday. I hope you’re doing well and that things are amazing and work is great.

Lots of love,

            Fuck, I miss you Matty. You were my best friend, you know? I know you and Sam were close and all because you were twins and whatever, but I think we were kinda closer, right? I love Sam, but you were always the one who acted like a big brother to me. You kicked the shit out of the first guy to break my heart, remember? He dumped me for some cheerleader and then this big touch college guy came back and knocked him out. Dad yelled at you for days about that, but he told me that if you hadn’t, he would have. Can you imagine him trying to fight some dumb sixteen year old? You were always looking out for me, protecting me from the photographers too, would always hide me behind you even when they were supposed to be taking my picture. 

               You’re not supposed to be dead. You’re supposed to be running the company with Sam right now and getting married and having cute babies that I can dote over and be a super cool aunt to and send them back to you all messy and sugared up. Sam has a baby boy now. He named him after you. You’d love his wife. I’m modeling now.  It’s not so bad, I make a lot of money and get a ton of free stuff. I’ve got my own big ass house right by the Hills, it’s kinda empty but whatever. There’s a whole new family living in our old house. Somebody else is sleeping in your room now.  That’s so weird. 

               I don’t know what I’m doing Matty. I’ve got tons of people that are always around me but I don’t know if I’ve actually got any friends. I had my first girlfriend a few months ago. She was pretty cool, but she wanted to vote for Trump. And she told me that right to my face like I’d be supportive of it. So I dumped her. Mom and Dad weren’t thrilled when I came out, but they’re working on it. They’re doing okay. Mom looks sad a lot.  We all miss you so much. 

               Come back. You’ve got to come back. Make a deal with God, tell him your baby sister needs you alive down here with her. There are people down here that need you Matty, tell him he was so goddamn selfish with his stupid plan to take you from us so young. Please just come back and wake me up and let this have been some horrible dream. Please come back Matty. Please. I need you back here, big brother. You’ve got to be alive still. Come back.  I love you. Come back.

Alright, so I’m just going to get this out before I change my mind because this is gonna turn real sappy real quick. I probably won’t even give it to you but whatever, I’m sure you’ll eventually find this crumbled up in the trash or on the floor somewhere. 

I know that I’m a real pain in the fucking ass almost always (even though it’s well deserved most of the time), and it honestly amazes me that you put up with it. And you have been putting up with it for three years now. Really, I’m waiting for the day when you’ve had enough of me and you eventually just walk away from me, I couldn’t blame you if you did really. I mean even I get on my nerves sometimes, like chill, bitch. I know that sometimes you just want to deck me, and I can’t say that I blame you but hey, at least the feeling is mutual.  But you know, as much fighting over stupid shit, as much arguing and yelling we do I wouldn’t trade if for the goddamn universe. I don’t know what it is about you but you make me want to be a better person. You make me want to get out there and go after my dreams with a strong head on my shoulders. I think that’s how the saying goes? I dunno, but anyway yeah. You make me go in with a shit ton of confidence to take on the world, and for that I’ll be forever grateful for. 

I’m glad that we met, you know. I didn’t think that we’d ever become what we have considering you know, at the time I didn’t think you were my type and to be honest - I thought you could do a hell of a lot better than me. I mean I know I’m the best you’ll ever have because it’s me, but at the time I thought that there’d be some big beefy man that’d come around and me and you would just be friends. Which I guess I would have been okay with but I’m sure eventually I’d fall for your crazy ass and be super jealous of anyone that got to be with you. And there isn’t a single day that goes by that I regret how we happened. I fucking love that there was a kid that was jealous of you, a kid, and you just didn’t give a fuck. Well, you did at first which is so funny but hey - you actually were a nice guy at one time until you decided to date me.

There’s been a lot of shit we’ve gone through, from Kaya popping into our lives, to us almost being over for good, to talking about babies and buying a house and getting married. All of these things I never expected to happen in my life. I was always told by my mom and dad - whether they were joking or not I don’t fucking know - that I’d just be better off marrying some rich man and play house husband. I’m glad I didn’t listen to them. I’m glad that I moved to some weird ass country and into one of the grossest spots and went to school, because if I hadn’t I wouldn’t have bumped into your massive ass and I wouldn’t be the happiest I’ve ever fucking been.

You really get me through everything you know? You keep me moving forward when there’s been plenty of times I’ve wanted to just throw in the towel and give up, especially with this new fucking job that I swear will be the death of me one day. You keep me in check - which I know I need quite often. And you love me. That’s the biggest thing that blows my mind. That no matter how fucking awful I can be or how many of your buttons I can push, you still fucking love me and that... that’s one of the greatest damn feelings in the world.

I don’t think I’ve ever loved anyone like I love you - I know I haven’t, and maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe I needed to go through some really shitty guys to find out that there is someone out there for everyone, there’s someone that’s going to accept the love you give them and reciprocate it back unconditionally. You are the best thing to have happened to me, aside from Bowie and Kaya of course. And I thank my fucking lucky stars every damn day for you and for our kids and our life we’ve built together. I know I don’t say it enough but I am so fucking appreciative of everything you do, not only for me, but for our family. You work fucking hard and even though I throw it up in your face that you’re just taking pictures when I’m pissed, I know there’s a lot more to it. And I’m glad that you put up with that kind of shit just to make sure that we’re living a good life. That we’re happy. I don’t think this family would be as functional as it is without you honestly.

I just want you to know that I love you, and thank you for helping me become a bigger person. For helping me mold myself into this person I’ve become - even if I’m kind of irritating, bitchy, rude, etc. We know that list can go on forever. 

I love you. I love you. I love you.

Do you eat your pizza crusts or leave them to the side?

Lately I eat them. At home, I used to just put them in the compost pile... can’t exactly do that here.

Do you eject your flash drive or just rip it out?

I rarely use flashdrives. I like to use Google Drive, it’s much easier.

Do you count an ace as a one or higher than a king?

To be quite honest, the only card games I play are Uno and Go Fish. I adore a good game of chess.

Do you read real books or ebooks?

Both. Ebooks are more convenient, space-wise, but I also like the smell and feel of a good book in your hands.

Do you keep your phone on standard or military time?

Standard. I didn’t even know you could switch it!

Do you break off the soda can tab or leave it on?

Leave it on. I’m much too clumsy, I’d end up slicing my thumb open somehow if I broke the tab off.

Do you pour ketchup all over your fries or on the side?

I like ranch better, and on the side.

Do you prefer audio jacks or the iphone7 dongle?

I have no idea what this question means. What does this mean?

Do you wear earbuds or headphones?

Earbuds, mainly, but I love headphones. You can really lose yourself in the music with them.

Do you set one alarm or tons for the morning?

Tons.

Do you put pineapple on your pizza or consider it an abomination?

I love pineapple on my pizza, sorry not sorry.

Do you let your food touch or does everything have to be separate?

Separate. I’ll spend longer organizing my food than actually eating it.

Do you eat the bottom of the bag fries first or leave them till the end?

End.

Do you use face sunscreen or just spray regular sunscreen?

It depends on what we have readily available. You had to use sunscreen all the time at home. Gramps has no sympathy at all if you get a sunburn. Work still needs to be done on the farm, he likes to say, and it’s not my fault you were lazy.

Do you use the drive-thru or counter service?

Counter.

Do you do the laundry right away or let it pile up?

That is one of the things I let pile.

Do you reply instantly or after a while?

It depends on the person and how I feel that day.

Do you watch TV live or DVR it?

I tend to watch things online.

Do you keep the toilet paper under or over?

Do you eat your pizza crusts or leave them to the side?

Cheeseless pizza is just bread.  In the trash. 

Do you eject your flash drive or just rip it out?

I can not risk losing my pieces, especially when I’m working freelance. 

Do you count an ace as a one or higher than a king?

An ace is higher than a king.

Do you read real books or ebooks?

I love fucking reading anything, real or digital. 

Do you keep your phone on standard or military time?

Military time, It’s so much easier. 

Do you break off the soda can tab or leave it on?

Pour the soda into a glass because cans are gross. 

Do you pour ketchup all over your fries or on the side?

I like them all over, but I still put it on the side. 

Do you prefer audio jacks or the iphone7 dongle?

Iphone7. Pass me the dongle. 

Do you wear earbuds or headphones?

Earbuds. Less bulky. 

Do you set one alarm or tons for the morning?

I need minimum three alarms.

Do you put pineapple on your pizza or consider it an abomination?

Pineapple. Does. Not. Go. On. Pizza.

Do you let your food touch or does everything have to be separate?

I don’t actually care one way or the other. 

Do you eat the bottom of the bag fries first or leave them till the end?

Till the end. They’re like a gift. 

Do you use face sunscreen or just spray regular sunscreen?

My primer is spf 20.

Do you use the drive-thru or counter service?

Depends if I’m eating alone or not. 

Do you do the laundry right away or let it pile up?

It fucking piles up, not even gonna be ashamed of it. 

Do you reply instantly or after a while?

Depends if I’m trying to get into their pants or not. 

Do you watch TV live or DVR it?

I stream everything on Exodus. 

Do you keep the toilet paper under or over?