#lainadaze

For every time I cheered you up. For every time I helped you shine. For every time time I gave in and compromised,  just to make you smile. 

For every time I was there when your heart didn’t beat fast enough.

For every time I dropped everything. For every time I was everything. For every time I was your everything, and now I have nothing left to give to myself. 

For every time I put up with your cold words, For every time I put up with your late night antics For every drunken fight and s l u r r e d insults.  For all the times... I every drove you home, cleaned you up, and pushed you into work the next day.  For every time I was there for you...  And now, you want to leave me when I need you most. When I need a pick me up... you want to go ghost.

How DARE you?  I scream until the blood in my body vibrates to the high frequency sounds escaping my throat.  And yet... you are not there to feel me

You stare coldly as I cry fuck... you don’t see me at all.  As alligator tears pool and drip like  the drops of rain from the sky as I need you. I  need... I need...to be numb. I need to be numb like you. I need to be able to run away FROM you.

A lot has been going on in the past month. I've been through ups and downs, lefts and rights. I had a plan, then I began to sulk. My body was in good health, then it began to break down. (If your mental state is not there, your body goes to shit.) I've also been underestimating the shit out of myself. 

Professionally & Personally...

I felt like I lost a piece of me when really, I lost what was holding me back.  i really need to woman the fuck up and get back to what I really love. 

Shit is real out here in these streets. Time to get my head out of the clouds and find my focus again. 23 is right round the corner and I can't enter the next year of my life in this state.