Dear Soonyoung,

I know you’re a pretty popular guy in our school. You’re way out of my league, and to be honest I can’t really tell if you like having me around at all. First day of freshman year of high school was when I first laid my eyes on you. 

You were with your other equally good-looking and popular friends. And I actually wasn’t planning on approaching you at all at first. I was planning to talk to Wonwoo first if anything...but then when I nearly tripped while passing you by, you pulled me back and ended up falling yourself. 

That was funny. But I still remember it, I mean how could I not? You started laughing so hard the entire hallway was looking at you all weird. I guess it started then. Your stupid head pats and hair ruffles, the chocolate you gave me on Valentines because everyone got some but I was the only one who didn’t. 

I feel stupid confessing to you like this, acting like I’m special. I know you’re just a nice guy who likes doing nice things for others. But, it’s senior year now and even if I feel like a middle-schooler writing bullshit like this, I couldn’t stand saying all this to your face. 

I have feelings for you, Soonyoung. 

Sincerely, ___

You sigh.

It’s not the first time you’ve written a letter like this to your four year long crush. You have piles and piles of the same confession letters collecting dust in your drawer. It somehow doesn’t get boring though. Maybe it’s slightly enjoyable, or maybe it’s just that momentary satiation you get from finally saying your feelings out loud. 

Just as you shove your umpteenth letter into your drawer, the bell of your house rings. With quick steps, you rush out of your room and make a beeline straight towards the front door. Thankfully, your room isn’t that far from the main entrance to have you running. 

Through the small peephole of the door, you see Soonyoung in a plain, gray hoodie and wet hair that curtains down his forehead. As always, he looks good. 

When you open the door, he casually slips in. Strangely enough, he hasn’t been to your house more than once, but he seems quite at home despite the fact. You and Soonyoung aren’t exceptionally close, but you’ve been invited to hang out with him and his friends a couple times.

And this time you got paired up for a project, so you suggested he visit your place to work on it together. 

“Why didn’t you come after drying your hair? You’ll get sick.” You follow suit after his steps, nagging. 

“Saves electricity and time. Besides, letting your hair air-dry is much healthier than using a blow dryer.” He shakes his hair in your face, droplets of water landing on your cheeks. 

Once he realizes he reached the living room - a cozy, small space with a single couch and coffee table - he swings his backpack and lets it fall on the sofa. He claps, once, turning to face you. 

“So,” he says.

Puzzled, “So…?” You parrot. He groans, plopping down onto the carpeted floor with a hard thump. 

“You don’t think I came here to do the actual project, do you?” The question is rhetoric. Soonyoung sits cross-legged, while his elbows rest on the coffee table in front of him. 

You tilt your head in confusion. “You didn’t?” 

He gives a sassy roll of his eyes before hopping back up on his feet. Abruptly, he leans in closer, not that close, but close enough that you could feel a gentle breath fan your face. Still, the proximity has your heart skipping a couple beats. 

“Nerd.” He laughs light-heartedly, pulling away. His fruity cologne wafts in the air with every movement. He always smells like grapefruits and cocktails on a summer night.

“What did you want to do, then?” You ask, genuinely curious. He shrugs his shoulders,

“I don’t know, hang out with you. Everyone else is kind of boring.” He says. His fingers timidly play with the hem of his hoodie, and his lips are pulled into a cute frown. 

God, he just knows how to tug at your heartstrings. Your cheeks flush into a cherry red shade, and you silently will the sudden heat in your face to go away. You’re left speechless. 

“Oh,” is all you manage. Attention averted from his rather uninteresting hoodie to you, his mood seems to turn slightly blue at your response. 

“Never--nevermind, let’s just get started on the project then. I forget you’re top of the class sometimes.” There’s a tinge of rejection that tweaks his words, and you realize you’ve fucked up for the nth time in your life. 

“Wait! It’s not that I don’t want to hang out with you,” you bite your cheek, “or anything...uh,” 

His ears perk up, he hopes for a reciprocated response this time. If you ace this project, you don’t have to retake an exam you missed (for the first time in your life, because you were busy quarrelling with your sister in the morning).

But...you think you can retake that stupid test if it means you get to spend more time with Soonyoung. Fuck it, I guess.

“My room is just down the hall, first door to the right. Wait there and I’ll bring some snacks ‘round.” You instruct. You think a small bit of rebellious pride bubbles in your stomach, but you blame the feeling on the butterflies that never leave when Soonyoung’s around.

With a newfound joy, he clicks his tongue with a wink. “Yes ma’am.” 

You can’t help but let out a small laugh as he navigates away to find your room. You take your time laying out different snacks (sweets, you have an unhealthy sugar addiction), bringing a full carton of orange juice with you since you couldn’t bother pulling cups out. The house is completely empty, your family members having promised they wouldn’t come back until late night. 

When you enter your room with a full plate of some peppero, kancho, some mochi and homemade cookies, you find Soonyoung hovering over your desk. 

Shit. Your fucking letters. 

Your drawer stays unopened, but you’re still skeptical, even when Soonyoung snaps his attention away from the mess of notebooks on your desk. You mutely observe him. He looks normal. Unbothered. 

Internally, you sigh in relief. 

Shuffling to your desk, your hands quickly shove your belongings on it away to make some space. You set the plate down while Soonyoung simply intently watches you. It puts you at a slight unrest, as his gaze rakes over you intensely. 

“Take a picture, it lasts longer.” You joke, moving to sit down on your bed. He finally stirs his eyes away from you, laughing lightly. 

“I would.” Mumbles. You couldn’t hear it though. It’s not like he meant for you to hear, anyway. 

He takes a seat on the bed beside you, leaning backwards on his palms. His eyes rove over your room. The space isn’t really big, he thinks. There’s a desk just next to your bed, with a closet on the other end of the room. 

It’s decorated with some crystals on the shelves and succulents on the windowsill. He takes note that you like green and yellow, considering the large amount of plants and yellow accents. He’s pretty sure that the big plant pot in the corner of the room is a bonsai tree. 

But he’s not big on nature, so he’s not sure. 

“Nice room. Last time I came here it was all blue and stuff.” He says. You snort. 

“I was fourteen when you were last here. Besides, I pretended to be obsessed with blue to impress yo--” Slip up. “Boys. To impress boys.” 

You clear your throat. 

He laughs. “Didn’t peg you to be the type that tries to impress boys or anything.” 

“I didn’t really. It was just for someone specifically.” You say, shifting your attention to your fidgeting hands. Unconsciously, you find yourself biting your lip, a habit you haven’t been able to discard. 

Small scars litter your bottom lip, swollen and red from the damage. There’s a moment of silence before you feel an unfamiliar finger on your lips. Eyes wide, you look up. Soonyoung gently pulls your lip away from the grasp of your teeth with the pad of his thumb. 

There’s a lot of things Soonyoung’s bad at. He’s frankly horrible at math. But if you had to name something he’s good at, you could list a million things beyond school subjects. 

Like, you. He’s good with you. Slightly gentler, slightly less loud and slightly more understanding. You don’t know why, but you appreciate it. 

The finger grazes above the small dent your canines made, soothing it over. He sighs. 

“It hurts, doesn’t it?” He pouts, hand moving away. You nod, that cherry red returning back to your cheeks. It was probably that thumb of his at your lips just a second ago, but an odd sense of adrenaline rushes through you.

“Blue is your favourite color, right?” You find yourself asking, before you even have the time to register the question itself. A nod.

“Yeah, I guess. Why?” He rakes his hair with one hand, eyes sparkling. Somehow - you’re not really sure where you discovered the courage - you wordlessly stand up to open your drawer. 

In it, there’s blue envelopes upon other blue envelopes, signed to be sent to Soonyoung. You pick up your most recent one in between your fingers. With a stroke of your inner prowess, you face the destination of the letter himself. 

He tilts his head in question. 

“Here. Read it when you get home. Only when you’re alone, okay?” You hand it to him, and he accepts it with humble hands. 

“Okay.” He breathes. 

It had been days since he went home with the blue envelope tucked in his pocket. He hadn’t spoken to you at all, even when you passed by him in the hallways or when you sat next to each other during English class. It’s not that you didn’t expect it. 

You knew you kept your hopes too high. He had more than just you that he could turn to for company, girls swarmed around him every chance they got. Prettier girls. Girls who liked the things he did. 

Another school day finished, chit chats with some classmates keeping your mind off things. Focusing on school would be the best, for now anyway. College is just around the corner, and you’d hate to lose your straight A streak because of some silly crush. 

It’s about six in the evening when you complete studying the required chapters for an upcoming test. You’re now collecting some belongings from your locker to finally head home. You usually stay back at school to study in the library instead of going home. It helps you concentrate better, in a way. A yawn escapes you, tired. The school is empty for the most part, save a couple students walking around. 

“How do you study so much?” A voice creeps up from behind, making you jump. Familiar, but not Soonyoung. Momentarily, you pause the act of shoving books into your bag. You crane your neck to meet the person, just to find that it’s,

“Seokmin,” you question, “what are you doing here so late?” 

Seokmin is just another one of your classmates, he shares physics and chemistry classes with you. Someone who hangs around Soonyoung and Wonwoo a lot. Most students here know their name, pretty much everyone has seen them at least once in this entire building. He’s good-looking and most definitely humorous, you’ve shared some laughs with him. 

“Waiting for you, kind of.” He says. 

Huh? Seokmin? For you?

Almost like he could read your mind, “I  have something to give you really quick but I didn’t want to disturb your studies, so,” he explains. 

Your mouth forms the shape of an ‘o’. “What is it?” 

An envelope is pulled out of one of his back pockets, and he sheepishly hands it to you. You only notice the sage green color of it once it’s in your own hands. 

“Alright, I gotta run now. See you on Monday!” He waves, before he sprints off and down the hallway, disappearing behind the corner. 

You huff, curiously exploring the envelope. Pastel yellow heart cut-outs glued onto the front and back of it, with wrinkled paper lines on the sides. A hand-made origami envelope. You giggle a little bit at the evident effort.

You pull out a folded piece of paper, which you open to be greeted by scribbly, messy handwriting. You recognize this handwriting.

Dear  ___,

I’m going to be completely honest...I’ve never written anything remotely like this since 1st grade when we were writing thank you letters for Parent’s Day. But, I’ll try my best, since yours was so beautifully written. That day at your house, I actually opened one of these. I’m sorry for invading your privacy like that by the way. I saw my name on the receiver’s name and I couldn’t help it. 

I was pretty surprised. It never crossed my mind that you thought of me that way, since you always seemed a little bit...indifferent? I swear I’m not trying to insult you or anything, I just don’t know how else to put it. I remember that day too, first day of freshman year. Your hair was in a ponytail and your backpack was huge. 

I also remember I wanted to ask you out for the school dance in sophomore year so bad but I didn’t have the courage so I went with my friends instead. I never got to tell you how stunning you looked that day. I always observed you from afar, because I was afraid you wouldn’t like guys like me, loud and most definitely not smart. I guess I was wrong. 

I’ve seriously liked you for the longest time ever. So like meet me in the janitor’s closet at 6:15 today?

I’ll be waiting. (just until 7 tho, I can’t be late for dinner or my mom will have my head)

Yours Truly, Kwon Soonyoung

Your cheeks are pulled up into one of your best smiles. At a rapid speed, you shove the letter back in the envelope, although carefully. Abandoning your backpack and all other clobber, you check the time.

6:12 

Quickly - that was the only thing plaguing your mind as you steered along different halls, looking for that door with big ‘JANITORS CLOSET’ letters splayed across it. And it was there. In a haste, you opened the door to see a Soonyoung leaning against one of the steel shelves. 

He looks up, a giddy grin on his lips. 

“___,” He calls. You like the way your name rolls off his tongue. It makes you sound special, somewhat. 

“Soonyoung, I-” Soonyoung doesn’t give you any more time before he grabs your wrist to pull you close. Chest to chest, knee to knee. He’s close, so so close.

Enough that you could count the sparkly flecks in those deep brown swirls of his if you wanted to. Proximately near that all you can smell is that fucking citrus cologne that he wears everyday, so addictive you want him this close all the time. 

“Can I kiss you?” Soonyoung asks, hushed. Your nod is all he needs. 

His soft lips meet yours, timid at first. Gentle and sweet, he tilts his head to get a better angle, and there it is, the taste of Coca Cola chapstick. Strangely, you find yourself not being able to get enough of it. Your arms move to wrap around his neck, but due to the lack of space, your back ends up bumping into some equipment. 

“Ow,” you mumble against his lips. Momentum broken. 

He laughs, pulling away. A little bit out of breath, you both take a couple seconds to catch it, foreheads against each other. 

“You okay?” He exhales, minty breath fanning your cheeks.

With a giggle, you respond with a ‘yes’. You lean in for a soft peck. Everything was just so perfect, at the time. 

;

Of course, it’s easy to say that things feel perfect. Because it’s true, at the given time, it really was. But after years pass, things change. Now that you sit at your high school reunion six years later, you realize that. 

It’s a warm and cute cafe where the reunion is held. A juxtaposition next to the wintry weather just outside the glass windows. Here they all are. 

Wonwoo, the dude you didn’t really know, but heard of in every hall, now sitting tall and quiet across you. Seokmin, a handsome funny kid, always loud in the halls, looking even better and just as loud as more than half a decade ago. Taehee, a girl you shared almost every single one of your classes with, someone you shared a lot of memories with.

A couple others whom you spent a fair-share of your high school years with. 

And, Soonyoung. Your ever-so-good-looking high school boyfriend, a man you held most dear to your heart. Six years. Six years since that day you first got together. Funny how even though it’s been that long he didn’t change, at all. Apart from his features maturing to sculpt him just right, like a fossil, he’s almost the exact same. 

They’re all laughing about something you vaguely heard was about graduation day, and how half of them didn’t know what was next. You observe them all, sipping on your coffee.

It’s so sweet it makes your teeth ache. You don’t like coffee, to be frank. There’s always that bitter aftertaste you can’t get rid of no matter how much sugar you stir into it.

“___, what happened to you and Soonyoung? You guys used to be all over each other.” Seokmin mentions, while chewing on some cake he ordered. You turn to look at Soonyoung.

He’s smiling at you, that smile you remember from years ago. Returning his twinkle with a smile of your own, you both shrug in unison. 

“Not everything lasts, I guess.” Wonwoo mutters, tuning into the conversation. 

Like the painful sweetness of this coffee, yours and Soonyoung’s love was like the weight of thousands of sugar cubes. But the bitterness at the end was inevitable. You both didn’t like the unpleasant tang it offered, but the sweetness was warm and fuzzy while it lasted. 

It was like coffee. You and him. 

---