I went to this conference with a smidge of hope. Maybe they would tell me something I didn't know, maybe the game had improved since the last time I saw it. Maybe they'd offer insight about the development process that would allow me to respect them and their work more. The panel was a bit less than an hour long, and I think I walked out of there hating Farm Merge Valley more than I did last year when i went on a screaming ranting paragraph long tirade about how i wanted to blow up their headquarters.
This shit is ASS. It is so ass that in the eight fucking years I have been studying professional creative writing I do not have the words available to describe how much I hate this game and their shitty ass conference that they didnt even bother to hide that it was sponsored and paid for by Discord. They essentially made me PAY THEM 300 DOLLARS TO LISTEN TO THEM ADVERTISE THEIR SHIT GAME VOLUNTARILY. Because no one would glaze this shit as hard as the own company. They had some woman come on and talk about discord like it was some fucking Utopia For Cool Guy Gamers TM and I think she's a higher up in the company, and she starts talking about the in-game activities. Which like, fine ok. Whatever. That's expected, it's nice to see game integration on the software I am genuinely interested in the stats with that. And then she turns it over to this guy. The head of "Cool Games" (WHY WOULD YOU NAME YOUR COMPANY THAT. YOU HAVE LESS SOUL IN YOU THAN A ROCK. WAKE UP. WAKE UP. LIVE. WAKE UP.) and the woman's like "This is our best selling game, farm merge valley!!!!!!!"
The head steps up. He starts talking about the game and saying things I already knew. But the one thing that drove me absolutely fucking crazy was that once he started getting into why the game was "Successful", his main angle was that "Farm Merge Valley is a social game, which is why its so popular! The future of gaming is collaborative and something you can play simultaneously!"
IM LEGITMATELY CLOSE TO COMMITTING RITUAL SUICIDE IN FRONT OF THIS GUY. THIS IS NOT A SOCIAL GAME. THIS IS NOT EVEN CLOSE TO A SOCIAL GAME. NOTHING ABOUT THIS GAME IS SOCIAL AND THE FACT THAT HE'S SAYING THATS WHY ITS A SUCCESS MAKES ME WANT TO DIVEBOMB OUT THE FIVE STORY WINDOW I WAS STARING OUT OF. THIS GAME RUNS ON CYCLES OF ADDITICTION TO INFINITELY REPETATIVE TASKS THAT APPEAL TO AUTISTIC PEOPLE WHO WANT TO KILL TIME. IT IS DESIGNED PURPOSEFULLY TO BE A SOULLESS HUSK. "ohhh we have such a loving community" YOU HAVE A COMMUNITY OF SOULLESS HUSKS. HE LITERALLY PUT A SCREENSHOT OF THE OFFICIAL FMV DISCORD SERVER AND ALL THE PEOPLE IN VCS LIKE "Look how social they are all playing together!!" AND EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THE PICTURE WAS MUTED AND DEAFENED. IDID HE EXPECT HIS TARGET AUDIENCE TO BE MENTALLY BRAINDEAD CHIMPANZEES BECAUSE ANYONE WHO'S PLAYED THAT GAME FOR FIVE SECONDS KNOWS THAT NOT A SINGLE PERSON ACTIVELY COLLABORATES ON THAT GAME. THE ONLY SOCIAL ASPECT COMES FROM VISITING PEOPLES FARMS FOR ONE GOD DAMN FEMTOSECOND TO COLLECT A REWARD EQUIVALENT IN VALUE TO GAS STATION SHIT PELLETS ON THE FLOOR. NOT TO MENTION HE ACTIVELY BRAGGED ABOUT THE STATISTIC THAT THE VAST MAJORITY OF PLAYERS SPENT EGREGIOUS AMOUNTS OF MONEY AND PLAYED FOR 7 HOURS A DAY. IM DEAD SERIOUS. BUT OF COURSE HE DIDNT GET INTO A SINGLE DETAIL ABOUT THE SOCIAL ASPECT OF IT AT ALL. MR MERGE VALLEY YOU HAVE A COMMUNITY OF SOULLESS ZOMBIES THAT BLEED THEIR WALLETS DRY THROUGH HYPNOSIS. YOU HAVE BLOOD ON YOUR HANDS AND THE DAY OF ATONEMENT IS NIGH.
"we're unveiling a new update soon!!! We're gonna add an album for collection." ADD AN ARTIST THAT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE THEY LEARNED HOW TO DRAW TEN MINUTES AGO FROM A "HOW TO DRAW MANGA" BOOK. ADD SOUL. ADD THE BREATH OF LIFE. YOU DO NOT RESPECT THIS PROFESSION AS AN ART AND IT SHOWS LIKE GLASS ARMOR OVER YOUR FRAIL HEART. I HAVE STARED THE DEVIL IN THE EYES AND HE HAS MADE FARM MERGE VALLEY. I HAVE PLEADED TO HEAVEN BUT IT FALLS UPON DEAF EARS. EVIL TAKES ROOT AS A CARROT.
another "Lorel hates farm merge valley" rant has hit the friend group. copypasta immediately.
