#kratom extract

Last night, I took kratom extract again. It was after 1 in the morning when I had gotten home from work.

The recovery process has been extremely challenging for me emotionally. I have still been miserable, the way I described it in my previous messages, despite AA, Recovery Skills Group, therapy, and lots of coping skills. No matter how long I go without kratom extract, it still has its claws sunken into me and last night I couldn’t get the idea of taking it out of my head.

The only thing that was even really stopping me is that I was told by doctors and other people that if I were to take it while on my suboxone, I would either get very nauseous or it would just not work. But recently, I looked it up and found out it wasn’t true.

I had taken 2.5 mg of suboxone yesterday (1 in the morning, 0.5 shortly after, and 1 in the early evening). This medication is supposed to help with the cravings, however I noticed when I take more than this I get too sleepy to work properly.

This morning, I threw away all of the kratom extract that I still had in my drawers to prevent myself from taking any more. But what I really want to know is what can I do to make this easier for me emotionally, and to help me not crave it so much? I try so hard and put so much effort in, constantly making plans to distract myself and convince myself that I’m happy, but it feels like this has just taken over.

I just think it sucks that no matter how long I go without it I still can’t get it out of my head (how much I want to take it) and it shuts down all logical thinking. And it’s painful to make myself not take it anyway. It’s a really hard thing to have to chose between painfully not taking it or taking it and ending up like I did before.

And I want to be someone who can control themselves with dosing because I really don’t wanna deal with what always happens when I take it. I just don’t really know how to not take it like that. Because when I tried to take tolerance breaks before I just felt really bad. But what the heck, I feel really bad now as it is!! I’ve BEEN feeling really bad. Miserable.

Does this happen to any of you?

You take some really strong kratom, say, an extract, and you totally relax. Like your mind is chill, your body is chill, your muscles are relaxed... but you can't fucking go to sleep? Like you're 1000% relaxed and ready for sleep but your brain is just like "nope fuck sleep"

Yesterday, when my mom came home, I gave her all of my kratom extracts and Red Dawn shots. We agreed that she would give them back no later than October 8th.

This was a very hard decision for me to make, but I knew it was necessary.

I’m still in that really weird mental place. The place I’ve been in for the past few days since using again. The same place I was in in the weeks leading up to my first 3 week quit, and the days following before I found out I got that job. I hate this place.

The place is not only a place of cravings. It’s also a place of stress, sadness, and inability to live in the moment. It feels like I’m missing something. It feels like kratom extract will relieve me. It’s just this really weird mood state.

Last night, I took kratom extract again. 2/3 of an MIT 45 bottle plus a MIT Go Black Extra Strength packet.

It was late at night, around the time my family goes to bed. I was at home. What I felt in the moments leading up to me taking it was an intense emotional feeling of just craving the way kratom extract makes me feel. It was a powerful urge that shut down any logical thinking. I could feel sensations in parts of my body just thinking about not having the extract. So I just took it.

I don’t wanna keep doing this. But if I don’t do something drastic now, this will not stop. I already used 3 times since the stressful thing happened on Friday. It’s becoming a big issue that could cost me my job.

But who knows. Kratom is legal right? It shouldn’t show up on a drug test, even Kratom Girl on Instagram said to me that she never had any issues with the test… so I might as well just let myself have it and not put myself through this… right???

But what if I’m wrong? What if I’m one of the unlucky ones who gets a false positive for opioids? It sounds impossible, but it’s happened to people. Do I really want to take that chance?

If I am one of the unlucky ones, I will lose my job. The lab tech job with big pharma that pays $29 an hour. I will never find another job like that again, and I’ll have to start all over just to find… something. It could take months. Not to mention the absolute shit storm my parents will throw when they find out I lost the job. They will know I’ve been lying and using again. I wouldn’t even be surprised if they wanted to kick me out.

If I stay clean for the next 3 weeks until I know for sure this is all over, it will be painful and very emotional. I will be dragging through, surviving each day. The cravings will be so strong that it hurts.

But all that will at least give me a CHANCE of keeping this job. Just a chance. And once the drug test is over and I get my paycheck… well… there will be plenty of kratom extract and Red Dawn shots to go around. My options will really open up. But that won’t happen if I give into instant gratification.

Last year when I was sick with gastritis, I was sober for several months and couldn’t even drink COFFEE. If I could get through that, I know I can get through the next 3 weeks.

So because of all this, I will be making a hard decision. When my mom gets home at 3:30 this afternoon, I will be giving her all of the kratom extract I have left, and all of my Red Dawn shots. As long as she agrees on a date to give them back.

Honestly, I don’t want to have to do this! Especially since another major stressful event could happen and there will be no escape. But I need to remember that it’s only for 3 weeks. And if I REALLY want this job, I don’t have a choice but to get rid of all the drugs. Because let’s be real- if they’re there, I WILL take them.

There will be a lot of terrible feelings that will come with this, but a short period of feeling awful is worth it in the long run. I just have to remember the REASONS why it will be worth it.

After the drug test, I CAN start taking kratom extract again. Nothing’s stopping me, and I miss that beautiful feeling and moment of silence.

However, I realized that I should really stay off for much longer. And here are the reasons:

1. I would have never done this if I didn’t accomplish getting this job, and it’s extremely unlikely that I’ll want to do this again after I start back up.

2. Once I take that first dose of kratom extract after this break, I will immediately go back to using daily. Trust me, I know myself.

3. I want to stay present for this amazing new job. If I start taking kratom extract again, it will be all I think about, which will take away from being present for my accomplishments.

4. I’m in a better place right now than I was in the weeks leading up to me stopping. Not saying I’m in a GOOD place, but it some ways, this has changed me for the better. I have never been in THIS good of a place during my other breaks.

5. My life is very stressful and often I feel like I NEED that moment of silence, but those cravings and moments come and go and I can still enjoy life.

I know it’s only day 13, but it feels like it’s been so much longer since that last dose. But 13 days is actually the longest I’ve EVER been without getting high since I found out kratom extract was my drug of choice in December.

I will more than likely not stay quit forever. But my goal is to really absorb a MONTH at my new job and feel all the feelings. Then, on Halloween (or sometime around then), I will take advantage of the time away from kratom and take the last 3 Zazas I have. Which will hopefully lead to a memorable experience (but that’s a story for another post).

Then sometime in November will be when the kratom use starts back up.

I just woke up, so it’s the morning of day 13. Yesterday, I got my nails done as a gift to myself for making it this long. I chose a fun light purple color with some nails sparkly. I also got my toenails done the same purple, but with no sparkles.

Then, I went to a bar with my friends Josh and Jon for karaoke. It was my first time going there without taking kratom extract. I did order a couple of drinks though. I went up and sang 3 times, even though I have no singing talent despite years of taking voice lessons.

Believe me, I’ve tried to form that type of relationship. I’ve tried opening up to people about what I’ve been going through with the hope that one person would care and want to be there for me. But I learned the hard way that nobody wants to. Because when I just begin to open up, and say that my parents don’t love me, and that nobody loves me, people say things like, “Don’t say that! Your parents love you. You are loved! People love you.”

When that happens, I instantly lose all my trust and faith in that person. Because they tried to discredit me. Because they didn’t believe me. Because they didn’t care. And it has happened so many times that I just stopped trying. To protect myself. I don’t wanna be hurt again.