It is the eve of my 3 year anniversary if being seizure-free. That last one was such a strange one. It happened at home, safe, sitting down (the deal i made: if it has to be, let me be safe). Before i finally registered the fact as i went to bed absolutely drained and tired in every cell, I vaguely remember having been on my balcony for a moment in kind of a hazy state. It doesn't feel like a daydream. Much more like being a little bit too high and trying hard to stay on earth and not just evaporate into space and time.
Anyway, i went to bed remembering an aunt or grandma looking at me, or watching over me, and i felt calm and not scared anymore, but feeling the warmth of "everything is okay, everything will be alright". At pretty much the same time i realized that i don't know these women of my flashbacks. The emotional bond of such a memory was absolutely uncanny but i didn't know their faces and how they felt, their aura, their being, was different too. As if i had a little thick paper sample for perfume in each of my hands and alternating between the scents to decide.
I love our brains, our bodies. It could have been just my brain firing away for whatever reason and give me these pictures, these feelings. And i choose to believe that they were imprints of some ancestors of mine. Maybe they were the ones ensuring my safety and i somehow got a glimpse of them, or they chose to be seen (because it was such a long recovery time until i got up and to bed in comparison to previous seizures, they weren't nearly as exhausting).
One theory prior to this last one about why i suddenly had so many seizures was ( four within two years, after two and seven years of peace and quiet), that they also served as a spiritual reboot and update. That first one in April 2021 was about a month after i read enough about neurodiversity to suspect some things, and had given CBD oil another (successfull) try.
As serious as it is (i needed to make that deal, that agreement, to be able to surrender instead of fearing that dormant thunderstorm), it's also interesting to play around with experiences like these and, as always, not just try to make sense of it but give it a meaning.