ainda penso muito em ti
a vida nĂŁo tem sido justa
cĂȘ sabe ainda tĂŽ aqui
sua falta ainda me assusta
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ainda penso muito em ti
a vida nĂŁo tem sido justa
cĂȘ sabe ainda tĂŽ aqui
sua falta ainda me assusta

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" Talvez um dia a gente se resolva Talvez tu seja mais uma cicatriz Mas sempre que falam de ti Lembro da sua mĂŁo na minha Meu Deus, o que Ă© que eu fiz?
(Eu te vi na rua ontem E lembrei do quanto eu te amo)
Ainda penso muito em ti A vida nĂŁo tem sido justa CĂȘ sabe, ainda tĂŽ aqui Sua falta ainda me assusta (Desculpa)"
- KONAI - Te Vi na Rua Ontem
Some Guodei scenes (past and present):
(Be warned, it's mostly pretty violent)
@cepheusgalaxy youâre gonna love this
UPDATE: this is all from draft one and the configuration of⊠everything is quite different in draft two. Worry not, Guodei still gets whumped a lot, but if one were to read this and read some of current Empires Always Fall or look at some of the more recent (post-spring 2025) Guodei-related posts there would be an obvious mismatch
When Guodei tried to take KaelĂa and run, as Guodei remembers it:
(content notices: implied/referenced child abuse, stabbing)
Guodei shook KaelĂa awake. âCome on,â she whispered. âWeâre leaving.â
âWhat? Why? I donât want to.â
âSo they canât hurt us ever again,â said Guodei. âSo weâre safe.âÂ
Because while yes, it had been very, very hard when she had been initially rejected and thrown out when sheâd been hardly older than KaelĂa was now, and it had been nice in some ways to be back these past few cycles, eventually there had been a charity boarding school and happiness and safety, and so she knew there was better than this.
âWhere are we going?â
âMy old school. Theyâll help us.â She took her hand and pulled her along. Â
They were surrounded.Â
Guodei pushed Kaelia behind her and held out her arms to keep them away. She had left her sword behind, of course- a twelve-year-old carrying a sword would not pass unnoticed. She had wrongly thought anonymity would provide more protection.Â
âGet away,â she said. âLeave us alone.âÂ
âCome home, [KaelĂa],â said Coraniss Qeij. âYouâre going to be fine. Itâs not your fault she took you away from us. We place no blame on you.â
KaelĂa took a step towards them.
âNo!â said Guodei. â[KaelĂa], no!â
A Taken shoved Guodei.
Guodeiâs back hit the wall hard, and she shouted. Blood ran from her nose.
âGuodei!â KaelĂa stabbed at the Taken with her dagger.Â
It wasnât enough.Â
Protect KaelĂa. She had to protect KaelĂa.Â
âHelp!â she screamed. âSomebody help!â She couldnât hold them off on her own, five grown adults with the kind of demonic power on their side that Guodei was supposed to have some fraction of but didnât, and KaelĂa was fierce but KaelĂa was seven and really quite small and hadnât wanted to leave in the first place.
Nobody heard her. Of course they wouldnât let anybody hear her. Nobody helped.Â
Another Taken got behind her, shoving her to the ground with inhuman strength.Â
Sheâd been the one to take Guodei back the first time, she thought- spotted her by chance as she fell into the river and resurfaced far too long after.Â
Guodei yelled and drove her elbow upwards into her stomach.Â
The Taken slammed her down again and wrenched her arms behind her, cuffing them together.Â
Behind her, KaelĂa was screaming. Screaming Guodeiâs name, maybe.
âI will break you,â said Coraniss Qeij after Guo was pulled out of the box. âYouâll learn that [KaelĂa] is mine, and you donât interfere with that. And in time, youâll be properly mine again too. Perfect little soldiers.âÂ
Guodei shuddered. âIâm sorry,â she whimpered. It was the first sheâd spoken since the box. âI wonât do it again. Iâm sorry.âÂ
âNo,â said Coraniss Qeij. âYou wonât.â
(KaelĂa's name is in brackets in the dialogue because that wasn't her name yet)
Guodei kills Konai:
(content notice: murder)
âYouâve betrayed us, Konai,â said Coraniss Qeij, the disappointment in their double voice clear.Â
Konai said nothing, but she glanced over at Guodei.Â
Guodei was disappointed too. She didnât see Konai much anymore, but theyâd been close before Konai had been assigned to the boy.Â
She hated the boy for coming between them.Â
Coraniss Qeij looked between them. âAs, up until now, you have been a good daughter-â GÄtnysh Qeijâs voice alone- âand a promising soldier-â both voices again- âwe will give you a sliver of a chance. You will fight Guodei, as you have before, but only one of you will leave this room alive.âÂ
Oh. Ohhhh, it was real. This was the âopportunityâ to prove that she was still good enough despite the rejected implants and amputation, to prove that she was truly loyal, to prove that she could use these new claws when it really mattered.Â
She was going to kill her best friend/sister/sister-in-arms.Â
She was going to kill her, because she won almost every time, because she was bigger, because Konaiâs strength would have lessened while she was with the boy and not training, and because- most importantly- she had razorblades attached to her hands and Konai was unarmed. Because Guodei was a weapon and Konai was a person.Â
Konai looked as numb as Guodei felt when Coraniss Qeij locked them in.Â
It wasnât quick. It wasnât easy.
When Guodeiâs claws ripped deep through Konaiâs belly, and she fell into her arms, it felt like the world was in slow motion.
âIâm sorry,â Guodei said, lowering her to the ground.
âI know,â Konai said.
âI love you,â Guodei said.
Konai reached for her other hand, ran a finger over her claws, and tilted her head back to bare her neck. âI want it to be quick.â
Guodei closed her eyes and nodded.
âGood,â said GÄtnyx. âYou killed her. But tell me, what did you do wrong?â
Guodei lowered her eyes. âI cried.âÂ
âAnd?â
âGood soldiers donât cry,â Guodei mumbled, wiping her face on her bloody sleeve.Â
âSpeak up.â
âGood soldiers donât cry,â Guodei repeated. âGood soldiers donât feel anything and they definitely donât show it.âÂ
âSo?â
âSo I deserve to be punished.â But, Konai had deserved her tears, too, because she was Guodeiâs best friend, except Konai hadnât deserved her tears, because she was a traitor. And either way Guodei was supposed to be a good soldier and good soldiers didnât cry, even if her best friend had died in her arms and at her hand. She did deserve to be punished.Â
She had said it enough times now that she believed it.Â
Guodeiâs eyes were on the ground as she followed GÄtnyx, shame burning behind them. She knew the others were watching her, had watched her kill Konai- what was the point, otherwise, if the others didnât see what happened to traitors- and she only hoped they hadnât seen her cry. They had to see her as strong, even when she wasnât. She hoped they couldnât tell where GÄtnyx was taking her, that her punishment would be private, that sheâd be granted that small mercy in light of her victory over Konai, but she never knew if it would be; after all, what was the point of having a pet monster if you couldnât show your power over it?
Mercifully, none of the others followed.Â
âI know killing Konai was hard for you,â GÄtnyx said.Â
Guodei nodded as she took off her shirt and sank to her knees.Â
âIt was a hard decision for us too,â said GÄtnyx. âBut she betrayed us, and that cannot be allowed.â
âI know,â said Guodei quietly, bringing the chain up to her collar. The chains were essentially symbolic now, more for display (and humiliation) than to actually physically keep her in place. She had grown out of her defiant phase over a year ago.Â
GÄtnyx was almost gentle as ze chained Guodeiâs hands in place between her knees. âYou have already cried and, I expect, felt strongly today. I wonât be surprised if you react to the pain, too, and neither of us wants your siblings to see that.â
Guodei shook her head. That would undermine todayâs display of her strength. It might give the others ideas.Â
âI know Konai was your best friend,â said GÄtnyx. âI will go easy on you. But good soldiers donât cry, and we do not want to set a precedent, so you must still be whipped. You understand?â
âYes,â said Guodei. âThank you, honoured parent.â She meant it. She would only have to contend with GÄtnyxâs weaker human strength, not the strength ze and Coraniss Sayklee had when they were merged.Â
Guodei and Kéchawaedrii-Orl Dreihar:
(content notices: assault, torture, medical abuse, dehumanization)
This was her first real, solo assignment since the amputation. (Except Konai, but she didnât like to think about that.) She had to prove she was still good enough.Â
High Concilmember Dreiharâs guards were unconscious or dead. That part hadnât been hard. Guodei preferred not to kill bystanders, including guards, but sometimes it was inevitable. More tallies for her arm.Â
The High Councilmember himself was supposed to be harder, though.Â
Guodei spotted him standing in the courtyard. Just⊠standing there, alone.Â
Then again, maybe it wouldnât be that hard. She wasnât as agile as sheâd once been, and the pain in her nerves was worse than it had been before, but she had a clear shot. She nocked an arrow. Â
Aimed, chest muscles screaming.Â
Shot.Â
It went through the High Councilmember undisturbed.Â
Guodei muttered a curse. Illusion magic.Â
Sheâd never encountered it before, but this must be it.Â
âTurn around. Slowly. Drop your bow.â
Guodei froze.Â
âNow.âÂ
She did as directed.Â
The High Councilmember stood a metre or so in front of Guodei, magic trained on her.Â
Guodei ground her teeth. She couldnât fail this one, and she definitely couldnât be captured. If she were captured, the experimentation would be found out, and then what?Â
She had to kill the High Councilmember. No excuses. No exceptions. No failures.Â
So she gripped her second arrow and lunged forwards.Â
The arrow bounced off the High Councilmemberâs skin- what the hell?- and raw, pure magic, stronger than anything Guodei had ever felt before, even during the experimental procedures, burned through her body.Â
She screamed, her muscles spasming, but she had to kill the High Councilmember.Â
Guodeiâs claws bounced off too.Â
The High Councilmember sliced through Guodeiâs thin chest armour like it was water. The dagger screeched along the metal plate over her heart and cut into the flesh beneath it.Â
Then the magic, again, and her vision was going staticky-
She fell to the ground, everything slowing.Â
The High Councilmember ripped Guodeiâs mask away.Â
âYouâre just a child,â he said, sounding surprised.Â
Guodei, mostly paralyzed, waited for the inevitable comment on her scars, on how they twisted her face. She wasnât out much, especially unmasked, but when she was, she was always stared at. She remembered, vaguely, that that was on purpose, because it was harder to disappear into regular society if she looked so distinctive. Not that it mattered. She didnât want to get away anymore.
âIâll let you live this once,â said the High Councilmember. âReturn to her and show her what happens when she comes after me.â
Guodei started to laugh, a coughing, wheezing sound. Once she started, she couldnât stop.Â
The High Councilmember frowned.Â
She was expendable. She would always be expendable. She was a constant reminder of failure. She wasnât really part of the family.Â
The High Councilmember severed the tendon in Guodeiâs right elbow.Â
That stopped her laughter.Â
She wouldnât scream. Couldnât scream. Sheâd be hurt worse if she screamed.
âI am usually against hurting children,â said the High Councilmember, âbut Iâll make an exception this once, because you⊠youâre a monster, and youâre barely a child, and youâre her agent. I donât know how much a trained killer like you counts as a child anyway, or even a person, and itâs a public good to ensure you canât kill anyone else.â
She awoke stripped to the waist, with a stranger in a lab coat bent over her. She must have passed out from pain.Â
âDonât touch me,â she snarled, her small, sharp claws scraping against something as she surged against the chains holding her down, pain exploding in her elbows where sheâd been cut. To attack, to escape- either, both.Â
âWhat are you?â asked Lab Coat.Â
What. Not who.Â
She was always a âwhat.âÂ
âDonât touch me or I will kill you,â Guodei snapped, almost screamed.Â
âWhy do you have metal instead of skin on your arms and chest? Whose body parts were used to make you? Did you choose this?â
She resented the second question. The base of her was her original body, and her brain was organic, mostly. Coraniss Qeij and Lord Thorne hadnât tried to attach someone elseâs body parts, just magical and metal and robotic bits.Â
She wouldnât speak, other than variations on âdonât touch me.â She had to get free.Â
âDonât touch me,â she said as she was poked and prodded.Â
The implants between her shoulder blades, where the wings would go, were a point of fascination for the Lab Coats. They asked her what they were, what their purpose was, did they interfere with her back muscles? What about the plate in her chest- Did it interfere with her chest muscles, did it mean her heart was mechanical too?
Guodei flexed her claws again as the lab door opened. Useless, and painful for her, but it made her feel like she had some power. It frightened them that she had razorblades on the ends of her fingers, even though she couldnât reach them and couldnât move her lower arms (or legs) and had started to shake uncontrollably. They were going to cut her open- they wouldnât cut her open, she wouldnât be opened up again-
She could think of a few reasons for the shaking-
She hadnât eaten.Â
She was cold.Â
She was being touched.Â
The manacles started to peel themselves off her wrists and ankles.Â
Lord Thorne.Â
Maybe relief was on the list of why she was shaking now, too.Â
âOh, little experiment,â said Lord Thorne. âCome on. Iâm going to take you home.âÂ
âCanât-â Guodeiâs teeth chattered. â-move.âÂ
Lord Thorneâs gaze dropped to the dried blood streaking her forearms.Â
âMy knees-â
âI see.â Lord Thorne easily lifted her up.Â
Guodei flinched. âDonât- donât touch-âÂ
Crying. She was crying now, as well as shaking. It must be the cold and the hunger and the lack of movement shutting down her systems.Â
Lord Thorne tightened his hold. âMy poor little experiment,â he said, stepping over bodies in the hallway outside the lab. âIâve got you.â
Guodei scraped at Lord Thorne with her claws. âDonât touch!âÂ
Lord Thorne forced the claws back into Guodeiâs hands with his magic, ignoring Guodeiâs cry of pain, and pressed Guodeiâs head against his chest. âYouâre safe now. What happened? How did they capture you?âÂ
âHe- Heâs powerful,â Guodei said, âthe High Councilmember. S-some kind of magic. I tried- I tried to kill him and he caught me and then he sawâŠâ
âH-honoured parents,â Guodei said, unable to kneel or even stand with her injuries. Lord Thorne still held her. âMy queen. I was captured and I- and I cried. Iâm sorry. Will you please allow- allow me to have these wounds dressed before I am punished?â
Coraniss Qeij petted Guodeiâs shorn hair. âNo. I think whatever he did to you was punishment enough, Guodei. I didnât know how powerful he was, or I wouldnât have sent you alone and unprepared for that. Youâre in no state to withstand punishment now.â
âTh-thank you,â Guodei said, feeling tears prick behind her eyes again. She wouldnât cry. Good soldiers didnât cry. Especially not twice in a day. âThank you s-so much.â
âTake her to the infirmary,â Coraniss Qeij told Lord Thorne. They looked back down at Guodei. âWeâll get all this sorted out, and then we will discuss what went wrong and what happened after you were captured and before Lord Thorne arrived.âÂ
Final results of the experiments:
(content notices: medical abuse, human experimentation, dehumanization)
Guodei stood mostly naked in the lab. Lord Thorne and Coraniss Qeij wanted her to demonstrate the final results of their experimentation.Â
The edge of one of her forearm plates oozed pus. Infected.Â
She flexed her claws. The claws, at least, worked like they were supposed to. They were sharp and deadly, and Guodei could extend and retract them at will. It hurt, to make them longer or shorter, because it did some damage to her fingertips, but it was much less of a problem that the original plan to have them fully retract had been, because that had meant her skin was constantly broken as they went in and out.Â
Lord Thorne nodded. âSheâll have to keep antiseptic with her at all times to keep those clean. She should never retract them without cleaning them, so once theyâre out, theyâre out until theyâre clean.âÂ
He wrote on the whiteboard claws work under the heading ADVANTAGES.
He wrote high risk of infection under DISADVANTAGES.Â
âHer heart?â he asked.Â
âThatâs the one thing there have been no problems with,â said Coraniss Qeij. âIts heart is strong and the disease has not returned since the transplant.âÂ
Lord Thorne added that under ADVANTAGES.Â
âWings?â he asked.Â
Guodei gritted her teeth and opened them as far as they would go, which was not much. Pain webbed through her back and neck.Â
Lord Thorne frowned.Â
âIt wonât open them any farther,â said Coraniss Qeij disapprovingly.Â
âI canât,â said Guodei weakly.Â
Lord Thorne extended his fingers, and Guodei felt the metal of the wings beginning to move.Â
She bit back a scream and doubled over as pain tore through her back, her neck, her shoulders, even her wings (which she had so little sensation in to begin with).Â
The wings creaked and scraped as Lord Thorne forced them further open, but eventually they wouldnât open any more even with his magic.Â
âHmph.â Lord Thorne recorded this under DISADVANTAGES.Â
âIâm sorry,â said Guodei, her voice raw.Â
âThere seems to be a lot of infection,â Lord Thorne said, ignoring Guodei.Â
âYes,â said Coraniss Qeij. âIt is always on antibiotics.âÂ
âWhat other maintenance does it need?âÂ
Guodei didnât miss that Lord Thorne had called her âitâ this time instead of âshe.â
Lord Thorne had always called her âsheâ before, since hearing the others call her that. GÄtnysh Qeij usually called her âsheâ too, except in the context of the experiment, but Coraniss Sayklee had called her âitâ since the experiments began.
âFrequent surgeries,â said Coraniss Qeij. âOften minor, but frequent. The skin often needs to be repaired where it breaks and doesnât heal. Its eye often needs fixing.â
Lord Thorne sighed. âWhatâs wrong with the eye?âÂ
âIt fails with impact and doesnât always fix itself.âÂ
Lord Thorne recorded this under DISADVANTAGES.Â
âExperiment,â he said, the affection gone from his voice, âany other health problems?â
âPain,â said Guodei. âAll the time. Everywhere, but especially where the implants are.â
âHmph. Weâll do a brain scan, but I think itâs a failure altogether.âÂ
âYes,â said Coraniss Qeij. âItâs a good enough soldier to keep, but the augmentation has not taken, and the human genes remain dominant.â
Guodei protects Kjotar:
Abhaonai watched, unable to breathe or think or feel anything except fear as Kjotar fought Guodei.Â
Kjotar was tiny and malnourished and barely trained. There was no way Guodei, huge next to him and deadly, wouldnât crush him.Â
But then, somehow, impossibly, Kjotar won, sitting on Guodeiâs chest, holding his new dagger against Guodeiâs jugular.Â
âSurrender,â Kjotar signed with one hand.
Abhaonai was sure Guodei could remove Kjotar. She was twice Kjotarâs size and far more muscular than a seventeen-year-old had any right to be. Surely-
Oh.Â
Sheâd let Kjotar win. She was throwing the fight.Â
She was protecting Kjotar. Â
***
Kjotar was still getting used to his new family. It was a lot bigger than he was used to, which was just him and Abhaonai. It had a lot of rules he was still figuring out.Â
Everyone had been summoned into a room Kjotar hadnât been to before. He had mostly only been in the infirmary, and then recently in and around his and Abhaonaiâs new bedroom.Â
This place was so big.Â
This room had a concrete floor and a set of chains lying in the middle of it. There was a cupboard in the corner and a long bench along one side.Â
Everyone except Guodei sat down on the bench, so Kjotar and Abhaonai followed them.Â
He looked over at Guodei, expecting her to come, but she remained standing, her spine perfectly straight and her hands clasped behind her back.Â
He had fought Guodei this morning, and won. He suspected Guodei hadnât been trying as hard as she could have, but Kjotar still felt strong. It was nice to feel strong.Â
When Coraniss Qeij entered, Guodei dropped fluidly to one knee. âMy queen,â she said. âHonoured parents.â
Guodei looked a lot like Coraniss Qeij. Maybe they were really, actually Guodeiâs parents, not like how theyâd just told Kjotar to call them that even though they werenât really.Â
âGuodei,â Coraniss Qeij said, their double voice echoing around the room.Â
It felt like there was something going on here, but Kjotar hadnât worked out what.Â
âGo,â Coraniss Qeij told Guodei, after a moment longer of looking down at her.Â
Guodei rose and walked over to the pile of chain.Â
She knelt on the concrete floor again and took off her shirt. Her back was nearly as scarred as her face. The metal wings, it turned out, really were attached.Â
Kjotar felt like he should look away, but he couldnât.Â
Guodei brought the chain up to her neck and attached it to a small leather collar Kjotar had hardly noticed. He noticed now that none of the others wore one.Â
Coraniss Qeij chained Guodeiâs wrists between her knees.Â
Kjotar still didnât fully understand what was happening, but he knew he didnât like it.Â
He felt Abhaonai suck in a sharp breath when Coraniss Qeij took a rod with a cord attached out of the cupboard.Â
âThis,â Coraniss Qeij said, either to all of them or just to Guodei, âis what softness gets you.âÂ
They hit Guodeiâs bare back with the cord, and Kjotar understood then that it was a whip.Â
Abhaonai pulled Kjotar even closer to his side.Â
Guodei was very calm about all of this. Everyone was very calm about all of this. Was this normal?
Coraniss Qeij cracked the whip again, and Guodeiâs skin split open where the end had hit her.Â
Kjotar couldnât help but watch in horrified fascination.Â
A third time, fourth, fifth, and Guodeiâs perfect posture started to collapse.Â
Abhaonai tried to cover Kjotarâs eyes, but Coraniss Qeij looked over at them and said, âNo. He will watch.âÂ
Guodei was starting to bleed. Kjotar really didnât like blood. And, he now discovered, he didnât like watching whipping either.Â
Guodei hadnât screamed. She hadnât even whimpered. The only sounds in the room were the crack of the whip and Guodeiâs laboured breathing.Â
Kjotar stopped counting after ten.Â
***
Kneeling on the floor afterwards until she was released, that was part of the punishment. It was meant to give her time to reflect, and sometimes, like now, she was a little bit grateful for it. It meant she had an excuse for not facing the others right after the whipping, when theyâd all seen.Â
She hadnât screamed. She hadnât made a sound. That was good. Perfect soldiers didnât react to pain.Â
It was embarrassing, quite frankly, to be so publicly put in her place. Especially when there were new siblings who didnât quite understand things yet.Â
Abhaonai and Kjotar needed to understand how things worked here, of course, so it had had to be public, of course.Â
She should have just hurt Kjotar. Heâd have to learn to take it anyway. All she had succeeded in doing was making herself look weak and earning twenty lashes and the afternoon and evening half-naked on her knees on the concrete floor in the almost-dark, and then dinner only very late, after Coraniss Qeij saw fit to free her, and alone instead of with the family.Â
Guodei was startled by a shadow falling over her. She had thought theyâd all left by now, having been dismissed after the beating and a short lecture.Â
âKjotar wants to apologize,â said Abhaonai. Â
Ah. Two shadows.Â
âIâm fine,â said Guodei. âItâs fine. Whatever. Itâs my own fault.âÂ
âHe wants to know if it still hurts.âÂ
âIâm fine,â said Guodei again. âHeh. Perfect soldiers, weapons like me, we donât feel pain.âÂ
âIt⊠looked like it hurt,â Abhaonai said cautiously.Â
Guodei bared her filed teeth at him and he took a step back, pulling Kjotar with him.Â
Good. She could still command fear from him. He understood that only Coraniss Qeij could make her submit- the whole point of this spectacle was that only Coraniss Qeij could make her submit.Â
âHe wants to know if theyâll do that to us,â Abhoanai asked quietly.Â
Guodei shrugged, then deeply regretted it as her back flared with pain. âDepends just how far out of line you step. They wonât expect you to tolerate it like me. It wonât be anything like this. Itâs usually me, anyway.â
âI want to thank you,â said Abhaonai. âI know how badly you could have hurt Kjotar. Thank you for holding back.âÂ
âMmh. It wonât happen again.âÂ
âI know.â
âYou can leave,â said Guodei firmly.
Guodei makes Kjotar kill someone:
(content notices: assault, murder)
âCome on,â said Guodei irritably. She was tired and hungry and wanted to go home. She would have been home twenty minutes ago if sheâd been on her own. She would have already showered the blood off and burned another tally into her arm and made a snack. Theyâd been standing here for over an hour.Â
Kjotar continued staring at the dagger in his hands.
âKjotar,â Guodei snapped. âI did the hard part. She canât hurt you. Put that dagger in the targetâs throat and be done with it. We can take the subway home if you want.â
The target in question was tied to the support beam in the middle of the apartment, gagged and blindfolded. Guodei had shoved wax plugs in her ears for good measure.
Kjotar shook his head.
Guodei scowled. She had tried kindness. She had tried bribery. She had tried pleading. She had tried logic. She had tried threats.
She slapped Kjotar, her gloved knuckles cracking across Kjotarâs still-hollow cheeks. Violent touch was, in some ways, easier. It shouldnât be- she knew it shouldnât be, she knew there must be something wrong with her that made it so- but it was, so this hurt her less than other touch did.Â
Kjotar gasped, tears welling up in his brown eyes. He turned to run away from Guodei, but Guodei caught him by the arm. The touch felt bad, but Kjotar had to do this.Â
âYou have to do this,â said Guodei harshly. âCoraniss Sayklee will hurt you a lot worse than that if you donât, and sheâll hurt me for failing to force you to. If I kill her instead, you will still be unblooded. Do you know what happens to people who fail to integrate, Kjotar? They die. I kill them. I would rather not kill you. Iâll hold your hand. Iâll guide you. All you need to do is put the blade through her throat. Thatâs it. Then youâre done. Then I can dissolve the body and we can go home. You can go back to Abhaonai. Okay?â
Finally, Kjotar nodded, tears running down his face.
âGood.â Guodei wrapped her hand around Kjotarâs smaller one, holding the knife with him. She hated it. Kjotar needed it. The gloves formed a barrier between them, making it just barely bearable. âIâll count down from three.â
Abhaonai marched up to Guodei.Â
Guodeiâs hair was still damp from the shower and her arm smarted from the newest mark. Her leg was still settling back into place after taking it off to bathe. Her hands were bare.Â
Abhaonaiâs fist almost passed the tip of Guodeiâs nose before Guodei caught his wrist.Â
She was getting slow with exhaustion.Â
âYou hit Kjotar,â snarled Abhaonai.Â
âI had to.âÂ
âYou did not. He is ten. He is a child. You hurt him, you-â
I was much younger than ten.Â
Guodei squeezed Abhaonaiâs wrist slightly, just enough to hurt in the moment but not enough to cause lasting damage. âI protected him. If I hadnât, he wouldnât have done it, and Coraniss Qeij would have hurt him worse than I did. You can call me a monster if you want, you can call me cruel-â things Abhaonai had called him in the past, perhaps rightfully so- âbut I brought him home safe.â She dropped Abhaonaiâs wrist, unable to bear the direct contact a moment longer.Â
âThere was blood on his face!â
âArterial spray,â said Guodei tiredly. âThatâs what happens when you cut an artery while the heart is still pumping. Blood sprays everywhere. Itâs unpleasant. You wouldnât know. I never used my claws on him.âÂ
Guodei watched Abhaonaiâs chest move up and down several times.Â
 âHe thought you were nice,â Abhaonai said finally. âHe trusted you. You washed our quilt when we first arrived and you let him beat you once and he thought you were kind.â
âOh.â Guodei felt something at that, but she shoved it away. She wasnât meant to have feelings, and she certainly wasnât nice. Good soldiers werenât nice. âWell, now he knows better.âÂ
âI knew better long ago,â said Abhaonai. âHe should have too, but I wanted to protect him from you and heâs too young and starved for kindness to know better. He wonât think that anymore.â
âGood,â said Guodei, perhaps a little harshly.Â
âI will- I will kill you if you lay a hand on him again,â said Abhaonai. He was still shaking with rage.Â
âHa,â said Guodei, not really laughter. âYou wonât. You canât. Thatâs not how this works, and anyway if you tried I would stop you very easily. Coraniss Qeij would want me to beat you for even saying that, to remind you of your place.â
She didnât miss how Abhaonai flinched.Â
âBut,â she said, âIâm exhausted and I donât really care. Get out of my way and go back to your brother. Go to sleep. We wonât tell anyone you said that, and I wonât have to hurt you, okay? I know what itâs like to want to protect your younger sibling, and itâs really late, so I know youâre not thinking clearly. Go to bed.âÂ
She shoved past him without waiting for a response.Â
The gentle side:
(content notices: blood, murder (off-page))
Abhaonai felt like he was drowning.Â
He was covered in blood.
He couldnât breathe.Â
It was everywhere⊠How was there so much blood in the human body? How did it get everywhere?
He hadnât wanted to, he hadnât wanted to kill, but he had to protect Kjotar at all costs and he didnât think Kjotar or probably even he would survive being tossed back into the streets.Â
âOh, Abhaonai.â
Guodei, Guodei was here, when had Guodei gotten here?
âYouâre covered in blood. Are you hurt? Should I get Nesyue?â
Abhaonai managed to speak. âNot hurt. Please get Nesyue.â
âOkay,â said Guodei.
âKjotar-â Abhaonai gasped. âKjotar canât see me like this.â
âOkay,â said Guodei. âAre you okay to be left alone for a minute? Iâll get Nesyue and clean clothes.â
Abhaonai nodded, still struggling to breathe.
He didnât know how long Guodei was gone for before she came back with Nesyue and clean clothes.
Nesyue had a bucket of water and a couple towels. âIs this your first time?â
Abhaonai started to cry at the implication that there would be others.
âHey, hey, itâs okay,â said Nesyue. âYouâre okay right now. Weâre going to clean you up, okay? You should shower, but weâll get some of the blood off now.â
Guodei peeled off her gloves and picked up a towel.
âThey said theyâd throw us out,â said Abhaonai. âI had to.â
Nesyue took his blood-spattered glasses and dunked them in the water.
âI remember my first time,â said Guodei, dipping one of the towels in the water and starting to clean Abhaonaiâs face. âI was⊠eight? Seven? They brought him to me. Something about trying to awaken my heritage. Does it help if I tell you that it gets easier, that you stop feeling it, or does it just make me seem like more of a monster?â
She didnât seem to expect a response, rinsing the bloody cloth and returning to gently wiping the blood off Abhaonai.
âI thought you hated touching people,â said Abhaonai.
âI do,â said Guodei, at the same time as Nesyue said, âShe does.â
âThe towelâs between us and itâs pretty thick,â Guodei explained. âIâm not really touching you. That makes it easier.â
Also the gentle side:
(content notice: PTSD, internalized ableism)
âYou need to focus, LÄ«sandyr,â said Guodei irritably.
Līsandyr dragged his concentration back to the training.
It was harder to fake it when he wasnât in a full classroom, able to be overlooked because of his forced silence and stillness.
He had to fake it. Guodei couldnât know about his troubles, his brokenness, his inability to learn properly. No one could know.
Despite his best efforts, his mind wandered again.Â
Both their heartbeats were loud, echoing in the large room. What else was in the underground building? How many rooms like this? How many tunnels? Where did it all lead? When would he get to explore them? Maybe KaelĂa would take him. How long had KaelĂa-
âFocus,â snapped Guodei, clearly fed up with LÄ«sandyrâs failure to respond to even the most basic of her instructions.
Līsandyr flinched.
Focus. His right hand being taped to the desk so he couldnât fidget. Focus. Being humiliated in front of the class. Focus. The letters swimming before his eyes, not making any coherent words. Focus. Being hit with magic when he couldnât pay attention to his training. Focus. Sitting in an uncomfortable chair as a mind mage wrenched his attention towards his task and pinned it there. Focus. Him doing that to himself with his own magic, regardless of the pain it caused, so no one would know he was broken.
Guodei had caught the flinch and the tears Līsandyr was blinking back.
âAre you okay?â she asked. âWe can take a break if you need to. Youâre pretty new to this.â
LÄ«sandyr seized on the excuse Guodei had given him. He forced a chuckle. âYeah. Just need time to adjust, I guess.â
Not the gentle side:
(content notice: injury, internalized ableism, physical abuse)
As he woke up, the pain was the first thing he noticed.
His wrists were chained to the wall behind him.
NoâŠ
Everything hurt, everything hurt, everything hurtâŠ
Līsandyr vomited bile down his front.
âI really wish you hadnât done that,â said Guodei. âIt makes things a lot harder for me.â
LÄ«sandyr flinched. âWhy are you here?â
âCoraniss Qeij sent me,â said Guodei. âThey don't want you to be healed magically, or not yet anyway, which is where the majority of Nesyueâs medical skills lie, and they want you to trust KaelĂa.â
He couldnât trust KaelĂa. KaelĂa would kill him if Coraniss Sayklee or GÄtnyx wanted her to. Heâd figured that out quickly. She was nice enough to him, but her loyalty to Coraniss Qeij came first.Â
âAnd she thought I could best convince you not to try this again.â Guodei took large, sharp shears out of her belt and approached LÄ«sandyr. She was wearing her stained gloves, not her good ones.
Līsandyr flinched again, cringing away from Guodei.
âIâm not going to hurt you with metal cutters, LÄ«sandyr,â said Guodei. âI need to cut the end off of Nesyueâs arrow to take it out of your shoulder or it will rip your muscle apart.â
âOh,â said LÄ«sandyr.
He stood still and let Guodei cut the arrow.
Guodei wrapped a hand around the other end of the arrow and pulled.
Līsandyr screamed.
âYouâll be fine,â said Guodei. âThatâs the worst part over now.â
She took out a pair of regular scissors and started to cut away LÄ«sandyrâs shirt at his injured shoulder. âYou cannot try this again. You wonât even make it out the door before you die. You got lucky because your magic is valuable, but it wonât save you a second time.â
LÄ«sandyr went silent. Stay still, stay quiet.Â
Edwyt save him.Â
He couldnât do what Coraniss Qeij wanted. He couldnât hurt people for them. He couldnât let them keep control of his magic.Â
And they would notice, sooner or later, that he was stupid, that he couldnât focus or learn or read and sometimes couldnât even speak, and then what would they do?Â
Guodeiâs hands were gentle as she wiped the blood away from LÄ«sandyrâs wound. âPromise me you wonât try this again.âÂ
LÄ«sandyr stayed silent. He couldnât promise that.Â
Guodei continued her treatment of the arrow wound. She worked in silence from then on.Â
She tied off the bandages and stepped away. âThat should do the trick.âÂ
She put away the medical supplies. âYouâll want to take some painkillers in the morning, if theyâll let you.âÂ
LÄ«sandyr nodded stiffly.Â
Guodei reached into her belt again and turned back around.Â
LÄ«sandyr flinched again as Guodei slid the brass knuckles on over her gloves.Â
âCoraniss Sayklee ordered me to rough you up a little before bringing you to her, and Iâm not one to disobey orders,â said Guodei, her voice dull and devoid of emotion. âI figure the harder I hit you, the less likely you are to try this again, and the more likely you are to survive.âÂ
LÄ«sandyr flattened himself against the wall. Stay still, stay quiet.Â
He thought he saw a flash of pity in Guodeiâs eyes just before her fist connected with LÄ«sandyrâs jaw.Â
âCome on,â Guodei said brusquely as she unchained LÄ«sandyrâs wrists.Â
LÄ«sandyr immediately dropped to the ground and hid his battered face.Â
Guodei had hurt him. Guodei had hurt him really badly.Â
âLÄ«sandyr. Stand up.âÂ
LÄ«sandyr sobbed. Guodei had hurt him really bad, but the real punishment was yet to come, wasnât it? Guodei still had to take him to Coraniss Qeij.Â
âYou can walk or I can carry you,â Guodei said, more gently. âDo you need me to carry you?â
LÄ«sandyr tried to speak but couldnât. He staggeringly pushed himself up against the wall.Â
âCome on,â Guodei said again.Â
He flinched when she put an arm around him.Â
She walked LÄ«sandyr into what heâd come to think of as the punishment room.Â
LÄ«sandyr started crying.Â
âHere. Come on. Kneel down. Itâs best if youâre ready before they get here.âÂ
LÄ«sandyrâs eyes darted around, but there was no escape. No escape.Â
âThey will be here very soon,â Guodei said, her voice very fast. âGet on your knees and take off your shirt. Be ready before they get here. Please. Theyâll add five lashes for both of us if youâre not.âÂ
LÄ«sandyr shakily pulled off his shirt.Â
Guodei took it. âThis is already in pretty bad shape,â she said. âAll torn and bloody. Might as well just give you a new one.âÂ
He was cold. It was very cold in here.Â
Guodei nudged him. âKneel.âÂ
Right.Â
After he knelt, Guodei fastened a leather collar around his neck- âJust for now, donât worryâ- and chained his neck and wrists.Â
âDonât try to move out of the way, alright?â said Guodei. âThis is the most comfortable position youâll get, trust me.âÂ
LÄ«sandyr was crying harder now.Â
âIt will be over soon,â said Guodei.Â
But it wasnât. LÄ«sandyr was made to wait for a very long time. He wondered if it was morning by the time the door opened again.Â
The others were going to watch. KaelĂa was going to watch.Â
LÄ«sandyrâs tears started again.Â
Guodei had been standing at attention this whole time, waiting for Coraniss Qeij to arrive. Līsandyr could hear the fatigue in her voice when she greeted them. Guodei probably had some weird thing about perfect soldiers not getting tired or being able to stand straight up for hours or whatever.
âHow many, my queen?â Guodei asked quietly.Â
âTwenty.â
Līsandyr heard Guodei breathe in sharply.
âMay I do it, my queen?â Guodei asked.Â
Why? Why did Guodei want to hurt him even more?
âI suppose.âÂ
LÄ«sandyr sobbed and screamed the whole time. He forgot Guodeiâs advice and wrenched at the chains, trying desperately to get away, but only ended up sprawled awkwardly on the floor.Â
When it was over, Guodei said, âHe has been kneeling for a long time already, my queen. What time is it now?â
âAround seven.âÂ
âHe has been kneeling for over six hours, then. I expect he has had ample time to reflect by now.âÂ
âKaelĂa, give him a few minutes and then you can help him with the wounds and take him to have some water. No food yet, but you may unchain him,â said Coraniss Qeij.Â
âYes, my queen,â said KaelĂa.Â
âGuodei, go rest for a few hours. Youâve been up all night dealing with himâ
âYes, my queen.â
LÄ«sandyr hoped that she was exhausted and her legs hurt and she didnât get any rest all day.Â
âThe rest of you are dismissed.â
After everyone else had left, KaelĂa screamed âFUCK!â very loudly at the ceiling and kicked the bench.Â
It knelt down in front of LÄ«sandyr. âYou tried to run away.â
LÄ«sandyr nodded.Â
âLÄ«sâŠâ KaelĂa said.Â
LÄ«sandyr sobbed.Â
âOkay. Weâll talk about this, but later, once youâre more composed.â
LÄ«sandyr nodded again, because what else could he do? Heâd lost his speech earlier, and he didnât know when heâd get it back.Â
âI want you to know that Guodei was protecting you,â said KaelĂa.Â
LÄ«sandyr looked at it in disbelief.Â
âCoraniss Qeij, when they are merged, are incredibly strong,â said KaelĂa. âAnd you havenât been whipped even once before. They could have killed you easily. Guodei doesnât have that kind of magical strength in the first place, and she probably wouldnât have been hitting as hard as she could. Iâm glad youâre still alive. I havenât had a friend in a long time.â
Chronic illness buddies:
Theyâd been through this routine enough for Retmiq to know exactly what to do when Guodei stumbled into his room and collapsed on his bed, a stain spreading on the front of her shirt.Â
âYour chest this time?â Retmiq asked, pulling out his kit.Â
Guodei nodded and began to pull her shirt over her head.Â
There was a quiet tearing sound and Guodei let out a sharp little gasp.Â
When her shirt was out of the way, Retmiq saw that the fragile skin where Guodeiâs arm-metal ended had ripped as well.Â
Guodei reached out a hand for the antiseptic, which Retmiq passed her. The first time, heâd tried to treat Guodeiâs weeping sores himself, but Guodei had grabbed his arm very tightly and vehemently told him âno touching.â
âHow bad does it look?â Guodei asked, wincing as she dabbed on the antiseptic. âI canât quite see.âÂ
Retmiq waffled. Heâd seen worse, in the time since the two of them had made the Chronic Illness Pact, but it was definitely bad. He didnât want to make it sound worse than it was and scare Guodei unnecessarily, but he didnât want to undersell it either. âWell, itâs your chest,â he began. âSo itâs always going to look bad. It looks bad, but not infected like your arm. Youâve been taking care of that infection?â
Guodei nodded. âI feel like Iâm always taking antibiotics nowadays.âÂ
âI know the feeling,â Retmiq muttered. Even on this divine or demonic or whatever (if there even was a difference) magical medicine, he had an extensive pill regimen. âHow did it happen this time?â
âMoved wrong, I guess,â said Guodei. âI took a hit there the other day, so that would have weakened it. I came to you as soon as I felt the skin tear.â
âHow much does it hurt? Zero to ten.âÂ
âSeven.â
Retmiq winced. Seven, from Guodei, was definitely severe. Sheâd hit nine before with Retmiq, with an awful infection on her back, but seven was above usual for these injuries. Four and five were typical, six or seven if it was infected.Â
It was no surprise Guodei used hard drugs.Â
He passed Guodei the painkillers- officially only for Retmiq, because Guodei wasnât supposed to need them- and then the local anesthetic. âDoes your heart feel alright?â
âMy heart is the only part that works perfectly,â said Guodei. âIâve never had a problem with it, no matter how hard I get hit in the chest. Probably because its only purpose was to replace my failing flesh heart and keep me alive, without any augmentations.â
âWe need to figure out something to protect or heal your skin,â said Retmiq. âItâs getting more and more fragile.âÂ
Retmiq was probably the only person allowed to say that to Guodei. They both hated being pitied and being treated as fragile because of their illnesses. Retmiq was allowed to use that word in describing anything about Guodei because of their understanding. Some parts of Guodeiâs skin were very prone to tearing, and thus were fragile.
When theyâd first met, Retmiq could never have imagined seeing Guodei vulnerable like this, let alone being allowed to be a part of this.Â
Their relationship was complicated, to say the least, but inside the sacred space of the Chronic Illness Pact, everything else was put aside. They took care of each other and were vulnerable with each other and vented together, and conflicts (of which there were sometimes many and sometimes few) were to be dealt with at any other time.Â
âI donât know what to do,â Guodei admitted. âCoraniss Qeij will never let me take another break for my health, especially because itâs proof of their failure. Iâm in so much pain all the time. Iâm sick so often because of the infections. I get injured like this so easilyâŠâÂ
âArmour, maybe, for now,â said Retmiq. âSomething light, but that will take some of the impact for you. Move very carefully. We should look for some sort of magic to protect your skin⊠You need rest, of course, but they wonât give you a lot of that. Healthy food. Keep the edges clean.âÂ
Guodei nodded.Â
âLie down for now,â said Retmiq.Â
Guodei did.Â
Retmiq didnât mind that she was getting blood on the sheets.Â
âWeâll need to close those,â said Retmiq. âThe sooner, the better.â
âI know.â Guodei grimaced. âI canât⊠I canât see it well enough to stitch it myselfâŠâ
âStitches will rip,â said Retmiq. âHere, I have these tape things that are supposed to hold it closed, and this is glue for your skin.âÂ
Guodei seems to kill Qatriong:
(content notice: blood)
Guodei popped her head out of a nearby doorway. âQatriong, can I talk to you for a minute?âÂ
âSure.â Qatriong crossed her arms. âWhat is it?âÂ
âIn private,â Guodei clarified.Â
âZheâÄrani can hear whatever you have to say to me,â said Qatriong.Â
âYou can tell her whatever you want after, but⊠I think youâll want to know what it is first.âÂ
Qatriong sighed. âFine. Be right back, Rani.â
âOkay,â said ZheâÄrani, slightly surprised.Â
Qatriong followed Guodei back into the room sheâd leaned out of and she closed the door.Â
ZheâÄrani waited for a bit, leaning against the wall.Â
Then there was a muffled scream.Â
ZheâÄrani turned the doorknob, but it was locked. She pounded on the door. Â
âDonât come in,â said Guodei, her voice stiff.Â
She didnât hear Qatriong.Â
She slammed her shoulder into the wooden door until it splintered around the handle.Â
Guodei was sitting on the floor with her back to the door, shoulders shaking.Â
A pool of blood was spreading around her.Â
Qatriongâs head lay in Guodeiâs lap.Â
ZheâÄrani screamed.Â
Guodei didnât turn to face her.Â
âQat,â ZheâÄrani gasped, falling down next to her, feeling for her pulse. There was a deep puncture in her chest and blood spilling from the back of her neck too.Â
Qatriong was dead.Â
Guodei had killed her.Â
ZheâÄrani should never have left Qatriong alone with Guodei. Sheâd known what Guodei was, what she was capable of. She shouldnât have trusted her not to hurt Qatriong.Â
âIâll kill you!â ZheâÄrani shouted, dropping Qatriongâs hand and drawing her dagger.Â
Guodei didnât lift a hand to defend herself, even as ZheâÄrani brought her knife to her throat. âDo it, then,â she said, her voice hoarse. Her own blood ran from a cut above her eye and welled in scratches down her cheek.Â
Qatriong had fought back.Â
ZheâÄraniâs hand shook.Â
Her knife rested at Guodeiâs throat for what felt like both an eternity and a fraction of a second.Â
Qatriong was dead. Guodei had killed her. Qatriongâs blood dyed her gloves dark red and was splattered across her uniform.Â
ZheâÄrani should have noticed what gloves she was wearing.Â
All she had to do was put some pressure on the dagger.Â
âWhy canât I do it?â she said, frustrated, her hand still shaking.Â
âBecause itâs not easy,â said Guodei. âEspecially the first time.â She glanced down at Qatriongâs head in her lap. âEspecially when itâs someone you know.âÂ
âWhy did you- Why would you- Why-â
Guodeiâs lips thinned. âBecause Coraniss Qeij ordered me to,â she said finally. âBecause she was a traitor and a spy.âÂ
âBut-â
âItâs not⊠the first time,â said Guodei. âSheâs the first spy, I think, but there have been⊠others. Who were⊠a bad fit⊠for Coraniss Saykleeâs army. Who were too resistant, questioned too much. The others donât remember most of them. You all probably wonât remember Qatriong either. Maybe youâll be allowed to remember, since she was the first spy, but⊠most arenât remembered.âÂ
She would never forget Qatriong. Never.Â
âDoes KaelĂa know?â asked ZheâÄrani.Â
Guodei shook her head. âNot yet. How she reacts will probably impact whether youâre allowed to remember. Sometimes it understands. It trusts Coraniss Qeijâs judgement.âÂ
âDo you?âÂ
âOf course.â Guodeiâs mouth twisted. âIâm a perfect little soldier. I follow orders. Itâs not for me to question our queen and parents.âÂ
âI hate you,â said ZheâÄrani. âI will always hate you.âÂ
âI know,â said Guodei. âIf you remember,â she added after a minute.Â
âI will,â said ZheâÄrani. After this, her decision was very easy.
Following that:
âHave you come to kill me, too?â said ZheâÄrani, reaching for her dagger.Â
Guodei made an ambiguous gesture. âI need you to listen to me.âÂ
âNo. If youâre not here to kill me, leave. I donât want to see you.â She walked away.Â
Guodeiâs shoved her against the wall. Her gloved hands were wrapped tight around ZheâÄraniâs upper arms.Â
ZheâÄrani spat in her face.Â
âYou need to listen to me,â she repeated insistently. âYouâre way too easy to find, Ć i Arroakhai KjĂș. You need to get further away. Get on an airship, take it to the other side of the world, change every possible identifying feature you have, and disappear.âÂ
Guodei let her go, but she didnât move.Â
âWhy do you care?âÂ
âKaelĂa cares. If I killed you-â
âShe would forgive you.â
âBut it would break her heart. And maybe-â Guodeiâs voice broke. âMaybe Iâm having an entire world-shaking crisis, and maybe I donât know how long I have left to live, and maybe I might want to spend the end of my life free. Maybe Iâm tired of killing and tired of hurting my family and tired of being beaten and tired of being nothing but a weapon and a failed experiment. Maybe I donât want to be a perfect little soldier.âÂ
âAre you⊠leaving?âÂ
âI donât know yet,â said Guodei.Â
âWhat about the others?â KaelĂa, LÄ«s, the people sheâd left.
 âI donât know yet,â Guodei repeated. âI wonât leave them, and I donât know if theyâll be willing to leave, especially KaelĂa. But you have to get further away. Forget about us.â
Moving in:
âI donât know that you should let me stay here,â Guodei said. She very much wanted to stay with the others, but they had to know what she was, what situation they were putting themselves in. âIâm not some innocent victim.â
âI know your story,â said NiimfĂ©o-ElĂșs, concerningly unperturbed.
âThen why are you letting me stay? Why let a monster into your home?â
NiimfĂ©o-ElĂșs fixed her with a stern look. âAre you going to hurt anybody here?â
âNo,â said Guodei. But did it matter, really?Â
No one had ever treated her as if she could choose.
âIf you hurt anyone under my roof, youâre out,â said NiimfĂ©o-ElĂșs. âBut otherwise? We voted about having you all stay with us, and we agreed. I believe in second chances, and offering care, and youâre hardly more than a child. I spent decades as a defense lawyer, and I mostly took youth cases. Iâm no stranger to people who have committed acts of violence.â
âNot like me,â said Guodei quietly.
NiimfĂ©o-ElĂșs nodded. âNot a lot like you, no, but you all deserve the opportunity to do better, and you all deserve the opportunity to be safe and heal. And, Guodei, people arenât monsters. People are people- sometimes bad people, but always people.â
Their pet monster:
KaelĂa burst into the yard. âThere were others.âÂ
Guodei raised her head from the fish she was gutting.Â
âThere were others,â KaelĂa repeated. â[Matteo]. Konai. So many others.â
Guodeiâs brows furrowed briefly. â[Matteo]?âÂ
âThey tried to escape with us,â said KaelĂa. âI think⊠I think they were drowned for it.âÂ
âI donât remember that.â
âBut you remember the others.â It wasnât a question.Â
Guodei nodded.Â
âYou killed the others.âÂ
Guodei sighed and nodded again, putting the fish knife down.Â
âKonai was your best friend!â KaelĂa shouted. âShe was your best friend and you killed her!âÂ
It was the first time in a very long time that KaelĂa had seen Guodei cry. Maybe the first time ever. Guodei didnât cry.Â
She kept going, because she was angry, she was confused, new memories were popping in and out, and she needed someone else to hurt with her, to hurt her back maybe or just to hurt.Â
âYou let them erase everyone from my memory!â KaelĂa was crying now too. Angry tears. âYou killed them and then you let me forget them!âÂ
All but one, all but Konai, and even that had been twisted so much that the memories sheâd had had nowhere near resembled reality. She hadnât remembered that Guodei had killed her. She certainly hadnât remembered watching Guodei kill her. She hadnât even remembered what the actual betrayal had been. Â
âYouâre a monster!â she said, images of Guodeiâs gory claws buried in Konaiâs stomach and slicing across her throat flashing through her mind. âYou and your claws! I- I hate you!âÂ
âI know that!â Guodei screamed back at her. âTheir pet monster! Thatâs all I am, all I ever have been, maybe all I ever will be! Maybe you should just leave! Maybe youâre better off without me!âÂ
âMaybe I will!âÂ
KaelĂa stormed out.Â
She hadnât seen Guodei cry since⊠she didnât know when. She had been a bit teary-eyed when KaelĂa had almost died in that magis storm. Before thatâŠÂ
Sheâd made her cry.Â
It felt powerful. It also felt bad, now that sheâd had time to cool off and to actually process things.Â
She didnât really think Guodei was a monster. That wasnât true. Or, not more than she was, and even if she was she still loved her.Â
Sheâd made Guodei cry, because she was a bad person, and maybe they were all just bad people stuck hurting each other forever and ever.Â
She didnât hate her, and she didnât want her to think she did, and she didnât want Guodei to leave her because of it, so she went back.Â
âI donât think youâre a monster,â she said.Â
âYou should.âÂ
âI donât hate you, anyway.âÂ
âI know.âÂ
âAre you mad at me?â
âA little. You said cruel things that you knew would hurt me. Are you still mad at me?â
âA little.â She sat down on the porch next to Guodei. âI wanted to hurt you. But now Iâm sorry that I hurt you.â
 [Authorâs note: as things currently are, KaelĂa probably does remember at least Konaiâs death accurately, but I like this scene so Iâm not removing it]
Don't go back
(content notice: swearing)
âIâm going to go back,â said KaelĂa.
Guodei had been afraid of this.Â
âWhy?â she said. âWhat can they give you that we canât? What makes them worth your loyalty?â
KaelĂa scowled at her. âNot out of loyalty, dumbass. Iâm going back to spy and sabotage. And Iâm going to win. Iâm going to protect LÄ«s and get revenge and maybe even save ZheâÄrani.â
âIt should be me,â said Guodei. It was her job to be the protector.
âNo. They wouldnât accept you back. Theyâd just kill you. Theyâll take me back, though. Theyâll want to believe me.â
âTheyâll kill you if they find out,â said Guodei.
âI know.â
âYou canât,â said Guodei, and immediately knew sheâd made a mistake. KaelĂa never took kindly to being told what it could and couldnât do. Now that it had broken from Coraniss Sayklee and GÄtnyx, there was probably no one in the world it would take orders or rules from.
KaelĂaâs eyes flashed. âFuck off. Sure I can.â It got up and turned away, but before it left, it said, âAnd Iâll kill them, Guodei, for what they did to us.â
Medical care:
âYou need to go to the hospital," Nesyue said.
Guodei groaned. Words could not express how much she did not want to do that.
âI canât do any more for you,â Nesyue continued. âI canât save you. You need proper medical care, from people with real training and better equipment.âÂ
âRetmiq wonât live,â said Guodei. âWhy should I? He deserves it more than me. Iâd trade my life for his in an instant.âÂ
âHey,â Retmiq said sharply, hurt flashing across his face. âFor the record, I also think you should go to the hospital. Itâs your choice, your life, but you donât get to use my terminal illness to support that. And I donât think you deserve to die slowly and painfully out of self-hatred. I donât deserve to die slowly and painfully either, but I donât have any choice in whether Iâll live- so actually, Iâll probably go for euthanasia when it reaches that point!- and you at least have some kind of options, so donât pretend itâs exactly the same, because itâs not.â
"I'm sorry," said Guodei. She felt like she had broken something in their pact. "I didn't mean... I shouldn't have said that."
"No," said Retmiq. "You shouldn't have."
"They'll want to know what all this is about, and they'll do surgery, and..." Guodei trailed off, trying to shove away memories of the sterile lab in which she'd been made. "I just... What could they even do to help, anyway? And why should they waste time on me?"
"Because that's their job," said Nesyue. "Dammit, Guodei, I don't want to watch you die, and I don't want to watch KaelĂa watch you die."
"Because you could live," said Retmiq. "They can do a lot, you know."
"They can't save you," said Guodei. "They can't do enough." She really had grown close with Retmiq. It hurt to think of him dying.
"Yeah," said Retmiq quietly. "But- they'll be able to help me, still, when it's time. Help with the pain, and- and everything. They'll be able to help you with the pain too, and probably they can at the very least take out the wings, and they'll have stronger magic than Nesyue, at least."
"I think you should at least find out what they could do before you decide," said Nesyue.
âE se o sol nĂŁo voltar amanhĂŁ, tu jĂĄ disse que ama quem tu ama ou coisa assim?â
Konai

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essa dĂłi atĂ© na alma đ„ș
da vontade de ligar sĂł pra falar, quanto tempo...
Ainda quero muito mais
da paz que teu abraço traz
Ă sĂł olhar pra trĂĄs, olha o que tu me faz.
Konai





