BontenKokonoi/Inui Angst Drabble
I'm okay if you're okay.
Inui buried his face in the back of Kokonoi’s neck, his chest pressed against another man’s back from his spot behind him on the edge of the bed. Kokonoi’s long white hair rested smoothly over his bare shoulders, tickling Inui’s face as the older male sought to envelop himself in Kokonoi’s warmth. Inui dreaded having to leave him for another long week away, to work on motorcycles while longing. He was so tired, tired of working away from him, tired of waiting to see him every week, tired of hiding it. Smoke filled the air as Kokonoi held a cigarette between his lips. The weight of Inui behind him, with his face in his neck, usually felt like a feather, but this morning it felt heavy. The sun barely peeked through the curtains, covering Kokonoi's body with a shadow that didn't quite reach Inui.
“Are you okay?” Kokonoi’s voice broke through the heavy, melancholy silence of a fleeting morning.
“I’m okay if you’re okay,” Inui replied.
It was always hard to speak on mornings like this; they had both silently thought of telling the other to run away with them. What if they could go somewhere else? But they knew it was impossible. Inui knew Kokonoi would always have ties to Bonten, and Kokonoi knew that Inui had worked so hard to have a normal life. He didn’t wanna ruin that for him. Yet they kept meeting in secret, unable to stay away from each other despite the risk and the heartache that followed suit.
They would both have to part soon, though, and their fantasy was coming to an end, pretending none of these bad things were going on. That the threading string that attached them wasn’t causing pain to both of them.
Kokonoi reached forward and put the tiny bit of cigarette he had left out in his ashtray, staring out his window at the bleeding, apricot morning sky.
“What if I come back later tonight?” Inui spoke in a quiet murmur, tone reflecting the dull ache of his tired heart and the despair of once again having to depart from his beloved childhood friend.
“No,” Kokonoi answered without hesitation, his tone much sharper than he had intended it to be. “We can’t start that pattern.” It was a quick reminder of their current situation, meant to protect Inui, but it sounded more like a rejection in the morose morning atmosphere.
Inui’s breath drew in, quivering ever so quietly. “I know…”, He exhaled.
Kokonoi had always been so used to Inui being the tough one when they were younger; he hated to hear him so burnt out and miserable. And he hated himself for being the reason, for showing up at Inui’s work one day when he could no longer bear staying away from him. It was selfish, a moment of ceaseless loneliness, and he regretted it. He should have allowed Inui to continue his life without dragging him back into a hopeless loop. The relationship they now shared was empty and left them longing for something they couldn’t have.
Koko slowly pulled out of Inui's familiar embrace, stepping onto the cold floor beside his bed. “We need to go.” He said, his voice lacking any emotion. Koko always got like this near the end of their weekends together, and Inui couldn’t stand it; it was like the twisting of a blunt knife. Inui removed himself from the warm blankets of the bed, the fabric slipping off his naked form as he joined Kokonoi in getting dressed for the day. He picked up his wallet and keys, glancing at his ‘boyfriend’ as Koko pulled on a loose red fabric shirt, buttoning it up slowly.
“Come back next weekend,” Kokonoi said bluntly, looking up at Inui with an empty, detached expression. The kind of face he had learned to wear over the last decade as a Bonten executive.
“Okay, I’ll see you later,” Inui said softly, stepping past the shell of his childhood friend, giving him one final glance before walking out the door.
