March 18, 2021
It’s been feeling pretty rough lately.
On top of the already-rough feeling that is constantly surrounding us, there’s an additional layer of dread that has been soaking in like vodka into a cake.
I think it’s felt by most people, at least my circle. There was talk of “fatigue” a few weeks ago but this latest stretch is…worse. It’s like I’ve lost the urge to try. I no longer want to put up a good fight to the onsetting dread and find ways to float, lately I feel like I’ve succumbed to the darkness. Days pass in a blur and the things that used to be my life boat, like ordering fun food, a walk with friends, or even a sunny day, now all feel completely exhausting.
Don’t get me wrong, we may be in a dark place, but the lights aren’t out. There are a few little flames of excitement, like the thrill of winning a round of Mastermind in two turns, and the momentary consideration of becoming an alcoholic. I had a glass of whiskey last night before bed and it was so delicious, I immediately thought ‘Yes! A new thing! I will now become a drinker!’ But frankly, I don’t have the commitment.
It’s the worst when the sensation sets in on a beautiful Friday night, or a fresh Sunday morning. I can’t full appreciate the small joys I have even though I want to.
I’ve been saying “us” this whole time, and I’m not totally sure who that collective represents. I shouldn’t be generalizing my friends, nay everyone, because of my feelings. It’s always hard to tell if it’s a regular feeling or if it actually is depression. Is it to do with my period or is it just that sneaky depression again?
That’s been going on past all of this though. So, like always, I'm using some rationale to not face a problem. And, honestly, those are both home runs! All of the emotions going on right now due to our circumstance are definitely those of a depressed person, so it’s hard to pull apart those feelings from those I would have just felt anyway, in that alternate universe where this is the March 18, 2021 we were all expecting to have a year ago.
I don’t mean to be so abysmal, the funny thing is that deep down I have the optimism still. I know things are going to get better and then fine and then hopefully, good again. It’s just the now that’s kicking my ass. But brighter days ahead, eventually.
A new potential cause for concern are my feelings towards smoking weed. These past few weeks have been tough, as I mentioned, so who am I to decline myself one of the few things that makes me feel good, or even just least to chill me out enough to be able to laugh at my boyfriend’s jokes and maybe dance to a song or two.
Then I start to think a bit too much about it and worry that I’m just telling myself that or worse, I’ve conditioned myself to only be happy when I’m stoned. But do I want to find out? Do I even have the strength? Probably not!
I’ve thought about taking one of those ‘tolerance breaks’ I’m hearing so much about, but I don’t wanna! :(
Which, now that it’s out there, does sound like maybe I should take a break.
Maybe tomorrow.
Be tough out there, kids. We’re not through this yet.
Succumb to the darkness, but keep some lights on.
