#knocks

ii.

You're 26 when you return to Japan.

Things have changed a lot since you left so long ago, including yourself.

Amsterdam has been nice to you all these years.

You put on coloured contacts that make you look like a vampire, your teeth are straight and white. You wear red-bottom heels proudly to wherever you go, skinny dress tight and your hair always done nicely, in a bun. Your hips sway with every step you take. You speak English well 一 it's a lot better than before, after the years of European influence, when all that you had to learn from back then was broken phrases of nonsense from Mikey and Baji during judo lessons in the former's home gym, with his grandfather guiding you sternly.

Come to think of it, you haven't heard of Grandpa Sano's voice in ages. You kind of miss it, honestly, when he'd yell at you to straighten up your spine and not slouch so pathetically like a dead shrimp. The last you have heard of his rasp from the cigar he liked smoking was when you were 12. He died when you were all 13 and 14 and 15 from chronic lung cancer.

Like autumn, leaves dry, and they die.

They all die.

You bow once, to the Heavens. You feel a scratch at your elbow, but you ignore it.

You bow the second time, to the Earth. Fingers start pinching at your wrinkly skin, and yet you ignore it, still. The gong is loud and your ears hurt. You start to grow annoyed.

You bow the third time, to all lives on the soil we share 一 humans and animals both. We are all animals on Earth.

Nails cut into your flesh and you bite at your lip, but your face remains stoic.

You straighten up, and you stare at her photo on the altar.

It hurts, but not enough to shed tears.

He finally speaks up when you finish. His voice is still as curt as before. It always is with you 一 never with the other girls who liked flocking to him when young.

"I'll kill you if you don't turn around."

He wouldn't. Not with the fine-lined tattoo running down your spine, the power now in your veins as you stand tall and remain silent.

You don't spin on your heels to look at him like he expects.

Like leaves, they all die.

Your best friend, too, it seems. "Rest in peace, Senju."

iii.

Sanzu finds himself smoking a lot more packs lately.

The multi-coloured pills in his cabinets has also been increasing significantly, much to Kakucho's dismay. The man has never liked when he was high on drugs, even more so when he'd show up late at the warehouse for meetings and ceremonies, high out of his mind, and slurring his words. Mikey lets it slide, Kakucho does not, while the others don't even care.

But this is him, he thinks. The more you nag and restrict, the more he wants to do.

Though lately he hasn't been doing it for pleasure. Something seems awfully missing, and he hasn't been able to figure out why exactly this feeling remains in his chest and keeps him wide awake at night.

It seems to grow stronger 一 always increasing in its intensity and never faltering even the slightest to at least show some mercy 一 when he'd see girls on the streets with blonde hair and bright smiles.

He thinks it's better to not care than to care. He inhales sharply, eyes lingering at the stray cat circling around his feet.

He puffs out the smoke between his cracking lips and throws the cigarette on the ground to step on it. Clicks his tongue when the flame does not dissipate at the first, and steps on it a second time. He shoves a hand into his pocket and feels for his keys, knuckles growing white while he holds the familiar piece of plastic in his hands.

"Young man," a voice breaks him out of his bubble. Today is one of the very few nights he isn't high on anything, and the sudden interaction with another human being who isn't Mikey catches him off-guard a little. Just a little.

"We're closing soon." She says. Her bandana is loose at the corners and her apron is untied. "Are you waiting for someone?" The old cloth slips off her hair and she catches it with a hand swiftly. But her eyes remain on him. They're still the same after all these years.

For some reason her question agitates him.

She does not pull away despite the deepening crease between his brows.

"You've been standing here for days. Can I get you something to eat tonight?" Her smile is warm this time 一 way too warm. She smiles just like his dead mother.

It makes him see red.

"Mind your own goddamn business, hag." He spits, and he leaves. Fast.

She watches his retreating back as he stalks off into the night 一 efforts drained, heart empty.

"That's all for the day, son. You can go home. I'll finish up." She turns to the part-timer busying himself behind the counter. He's about 19, freshly graduated from senior high 一 just like him back then.

While leaning a palm against the wall to fix on her left shoe, she looks at the memory board of her store hanging off of it 一 reaches a frail hand up to pull a piece of polaroid closer to her eyes full of cataracts.

The picture is old with time, but she remembers the story behind it just like yesterday.

A young girl with pristine white hair that she claims to be natural 一 just like the young boy next to her 一 full of smiles and holding a dessert proudly for the camera.

Akashi Senju was here!!!

Everyone, this is the best crepe in town!!! Haru-nii agrees ^_^

21/4/2016

iv. cw: dark content, choking, nudity, suggestive, twisted minds speaking, 18+

You like to think you've changed for the better.

You're a lot better at speaking now. Before Amsterdam, you were a bubbly kid, sure 一 but that does not mean you had been good with words. You have a bad habit of not thinking and filtering words through your head before you talk. It's one of the things that makes you feel genuine to people, but something that can gradually leave a trail of annoyance in people's hearts if not managed well.

You've always thought it was your poor management skills with words that had driven Sanzu away. He's always hated when you'd open your mouth to speak to him. Never liked it even when you'd mumble innocent compliments to his lego buildings or to his amazing seeking skills when playing hide and seek at the park.

But that's alright. You can change.

You never liked doing presentations or public speaking, but you would always swallow down the bile in your throat whenever someone laid eyes on you, if it means you'd be able to speak up more.

You can always change for him.

You heard from Senju once that his brother hated your glasses to death. She thought it might hurt your feelings if you knew, so she'd kept it a secret for years. It comes out to your ears anyway during a challenging round of truth or truth, and it shocked her to see you reacting so positively even to his feelings of distaste for you. "That's alright! We'll go to the optometrist after school. I've heard contact lenses aren't very expensive to afford, right?"

Contact lenses were, in fact, pretty expensive to afford. Even more so for a young student like you back then, who knew little to nothing when it came to managing money and her savings. You still spent a fortune on them, though. You were willing to do it, if it meant getting rid of the glasses he'd hated on you so much.

For him, you were willing to change.

The only thing you had been patient about yourself back then were really just your braces. You needed time for your teeth to be straight again, so you can finally start smiling even brighter for him.

Perhaps it might make him like you a little bit more.

You followed your father to the other side of the world when you overheard the boys speaking in his room one scorching afternoon 一 about how he'd just wished you were gone. You never wanted to leave Japan, but if it meant he would be happy that you weren't around him so much, you were willing to go. You can cry at home, but you can't cry in front of him. It will only disgust him even further.

For him, you were willing to disappear.

But Mikey calls you back to Japan after years of no-contact and recruits you as an advisor in replacement for Takeomi. The man hasn't been doing well since the death of his sister, and Mikey hasn't been able to trust anyone enough to take on his position in the organisation.

Kakucho has had enough to deal with in his own role, and Kokonoi Hajime only wants to be in charge of money and figures. Haitani Ran, the older brother of a duo, wants nothing more to do with the power that has earned him nothing but betrayal, and Haitani Rindou is way too focused on a slut to take on any major responsibilities on his own. Mochizuki Kanji hates Mikey, who he should not be letting so close, and Sanzu is... not well 一 Mikey can't tell if it's grief or something else that has been bothering him.

And you're beautiful, to say the least. You're no longer the ugly girl from childhood that he always says you are.

"美しい," is what Mikey says, when he sits before you in a quiet room on a huge oval table, as he bore holes deep into your soul. He's no longer the boy you knew from childhood who'd drag on your hand and play dress up with your dolls even though he knows nothing about Barbie and makeup.

He is simply an empty shell of a man 一 no soul, no heart. But he still smiles when you reach a hand over to caress his palm and trace along the lines of his skin with your fingers. Your gaze is seductive that it almost works, but he does not give in. Mikey has no heart or soul to truly feel any lust, but you can still see the hints of a small flame growing behind his eyes.

And even then, Sanzu still thinks you're ugly.

He gives you the same look of disgust while you stand naked before his eyes in a hotel room, right in the heart of the city, with police sirens ringing through the night.

Under his angry gaze and hateful eyes you feel just like a little girl again. The girl inside you that you've spent so many years suppressing, begs to be let out from her cage. She yells, screams, bites on the metal bars to be released.

But you're eager to please him tonight. You shut her away again.

Anything to make him happy.

"What can I do for you today?" You ask. His dick is still soft behind his silky, black slacks and he scoffs.

"You talk like a fucking slut. Quit it."

"You don't like sluts?" You question, brow raised high as you step closer to him on the bed, who has his legs spread far apart as he sits on the edge. You welcome yourself between them and cock your head to the side while you watch his face contort into somewhat confusion.

"Hah?"

The disgust still remains, however.

"Saw you looking at Haitani Rindou's lady earlier. She is indeed very pretty." You point out, nodding in agreement. He visibly shifts in his seat and makes a noise to cover up his fluster.

"Do you like her? I can be her."

Silence.

"Or do you prefer the cop who betrayed his brother? I can't be her, sorry, since she's dead, but we can do role play if you like."

I can try. For you.

"Fuck no. I know better than to mess with the Haitanis." He defends. Your lips curl, watching the slip in his demeanour with so much fun, as you inch closer, closer.

And closer.

"So? What else can make you feel better if not those?" You trace your lips along his collar and gently push it flat against him when he doesn't move away. Dark red lipstick stains his shirt as you pull back to admire your work. "Purely sex? I can make it work."

He tries pushing you away at that, but you grab onto his wrists with your ice cold hands before he can even touch you.

"Something extreme, maybe?" You wrap his hands around your throat. It bobs with every drop of saliva that you swallow. You kind of hope he feels the blunt edges of the many words you've pushed down along your throat, too.

"This?" His fingers shake against your skin, you feel.

"Choke me if it makes you feel better. You know you want to. You hate me, don't you? Choke me like you mean it."

His breath grows shaky as they fan against your cupid's bow. You're so close to him 一 way too close.

For the first time in probably forever, Akashi Haruchiyo is scared.

And you're no longer looking at Sanzu, unfortunately.

"Fuck一" you don't let his hands go despite his resistance, "fucking let me go."

Despite his words, you can feel it slowly, as his hands start tightening around your throat. "You're fucking insane一" he spews, pupils dilated behind his irises, "you're not right in the head, bitch."

He presses his hold tighter around you. Sanzu forces out a laugh, while your vision starts growing foggy. He's shaking all around as you grip onto his wrists tight, as a way to ground yourself before he can actually kill you with his bare hands. You try clearing your eyes to look at him one last time.

"Die. Fucking die." He says. "I fucking hate you."

v.

Sanzu lights a cigarette as he stands in the cold.

Though it's not very cold tonight, no 一 the weather's moderate this time. He's felt colder before.

It's still empty in his heart, but he can make do from today onwards.

Your arms are warm as they wrap around his waist gently, wobbly lips kissing along his spine and the meat of his shoulder blades as he inhales the tobacco, before turning around to take a good look at you.

He grabs at your jaw with the other hand to pull you close to his lips and exhaling the cloudy smoke into your mouth.

You take it just like a good girl when he pulls back to watch in amusement as you resist the cough bubbling up in your chest.

He repeats it a few times, and when he finally deems your actions satisfactory, he only kisses you then. Messy, wet, full of saliva 一 he licks at your lips disgustingly, sucks on your tongue like a horny teen, rubs himself up against your thigh.

His hold is steady and you almost melt into his arms when he accidentally burns your chest with the tip of his cigarette. Almost.

Sanzu does not let you touch him just yet.

"You're fucking mine." He whispers, voice low when he pulls away. His grip is still tight and painful around your jaw, but you think his eyes are full of love when they bore into your own.

"Remember that."

Mikey does not appear in your thoughts ever again.

You sigh dreamily and fall to his chest gently. He's there to welcome you as you melt, head low while he gazes into your eyes.

For the first time in your pathetic life, you touch skin with the boy you love the most. He's finally looking into your eyes this time, without the hateful gaze that you have always hated since young but still let him look at you that way simply because you liked him so much back then to even stop him.

You still like him so much today.

Sanzu hugs you close as you say your words.

"I'm all yours, Haru."