#killjoywritersnet

kobra is the first to know. he’ll be the easiest, the girl thinks. he won’t need words or explanations or drawn-out discussions. hell, she probably won’t even need to say the words out loud.

she’ll have to eventually. but not with kobra.

so she doodles a few more rainbows than usual, leaving them out where she’s sure he’ll see. she makes it a little more obvious when she stares at hot chimp. (she’s probably always been obvious, but she stops trying to hide it. it’s scary, but if she’s doing this, she has to start getting used to it.)

after the sun sets, when jet has gone into the diner and poison and ghoul have fallen asleep on each other’s shoulders, the words fall out. 

“what’s it like to be in love?” she asks.

kobra glances over at her. the fire casts his face in a warm orange glow. “you’re asking me?” he says. she nods. 

kobra studies the flames, crackling and spitting out sparks toward the sky. “depends,” he says. “there isn’t one way to describe it. i think it’s different every time, with every person.”

“hm.” the girl’s hands are clasped tight in her lap. she opens her mouth, choosing her next words very carefully. “i want it to be good,” she says. “y’know. someday. i want her to be perfect, whoever she is.”

kobra nods. the girls lungs ache with the breath she still hasn’t released.

“i’m sure she will be,” he says, and suddenly, she can breathe again.

***

ghoul is next. he won’t be as casual about it as kobra, but he definitely won’t get sentimental about it. the girl thinks not, at least. you can never say anything for sure, with ghoul.

she’s sitting on the hood of the trans am, watching him take a blaster apart. his sweaty hair is tucked back behind his ears, but he keeps having to brush it back when it inevitably falls in his face. he’s been working for maybe twenty minutes now. the girl probably shouldn’t interrupt, but the impulse seizes her out of nowhere, and she says, “ghoul?”

“mm?” he asks, not looking up from the half-assembled gun.

“i like girls,” the girl blurts out.

“yeah, i kinda figured you might,” ghoul says absentmindedly. he keeps fiddling with the pieces. for a second, the girl thinks that’s all he’s going to say. then he looks up at her, brushing a lock of hair out of his face. “anybody who breaks your heart is getting their ass kicked,” he says. “i don’t care if it’s a girl.”

the girl smiles. “yeah, by me.”

ghoul grins right back at her. “that’s for damn sure. y’know we love you, kid, yeah?”

“‘course,” she says, rolling her eyes. she’s questioned a lot of things in her life, but never that. “just… don’t tell the others yet. okay?”

he gives her a two-finger salute, and goes back to his work.

***

jet is… a problem. the girl keeps quiet around him for weeks. it’s so hard - if she slips up even slightly, it’s all going to come tumbling out, but she can’t just ignore him. 

that’s exactly what she ends up doing. inadvertently, of course, but it bites her in the end just the same.

“hey, kid,” jet says, sliding into the booth next to her. “can i talk to you for a minute?” 

the girl sets her crayons down, her heart thudding in her chest. she’s been dreading this. jet’s better at handling emotions better than anybody else in their shitshow of a crew, and there was no way he was going to let her keep acting this dodgy.

“you’ve been pretty down in the dumps lately, huh?” he asks. 

the girl nods slowly.

jet nods. “i thought so. what’s buggin’ you, pup? was it the firefight last week?”

the girl shakes her head firmly. “it’s not you,” she says. that’s the most important thing he has to know. “i’ve just been thinking.”

“i’ve done my fair share of that,” jet says with a small smile. “you want to tell me what’s up?”

the girl picks up one of her crayons again, dragging it against the paper. she does want to tell him. she’s wanted to for a long time. she just…. doesn’t know how. she doesn’t want it to be a huge production or anything. she doesn’t want them to see her any differently. the thought of anyone giving her a huge speech about it makes her skin crawl; she’d rather they just accept it and move on. the only reason she’s planning on saying anything is because she’s tired of keeping it secret.

“did something happen?” jet says gently.

“no,” the girl murmurs. “it’s just…” she stops drawing and looks up at him. 

“you know how ghoul just likes boys?” she says. she can’t manage to raise her voice above a whisper. jet looks a little surprised, but he nods. “i think i might be… like him. but with girls. i mean, i don’t think i am, i know i am. but, yeah.”

jet leans over and wraps an arm around her. “well, that explains a lot,” he says, squeezing her shoulder to his. “i’m glad you told me. do the others know?”

the girl nods. “ghoul and kobra do.”

“but poison doesn’t?”

“i’m… waiting on him,” the girl says with a grimace.

jet laughs. “yeah, i get that. i won’t say anything, don’t worry. but you know he adores you, right?”

the girl nods.

“we all do,” jet continues, squeezing her again. “it doesn’t matter if you like girls or boys or anything in between. you’re always gonna be our little motorbaby, and nothing’s ever gonna change that.”

the girl wants to give him a little push, tell him to stop being all mushy, but her throat is getting alarmingly choked up. before she knows it, tears spill over her lashes, and she finds herself burying her face in his shoulder. “it’s okay,” jet says gently. “i know it’s hard. but we love you, kiddo. i love you.”

the girl had thought she didn’t want anyone to acknowledge the weight of it, but maybe that’s exactly what she needs. 

***

party poison.

this is going to be interesting.

the girl steps into the room and lifts her chin. “poison?” she asks. 

poison looks up from the cans of power pup he’s stacking. “what’s up, buttercup?” 

she steels herself. like ripping off a bandaid; it’s best to keep it short and sweet.

“i’m gay,” she says, and it feels like slamming a ten pound weight against a gong as hard as she can. the force of it reverberates through her chest, and even after she’s caught her breath, it leaves her feeling unsteady.

“what? no way!” poison says, delighted. he drops the cans at once and runs over to scoop her up and spin her around in a circle. “when’d you figure that one out, baby?”

the girl lets out a shaky giggle. “a couple years ago, maybe?”

“whaaat? two whole years? that’s too fuckin’ long to sit on somethin’ like that, jeez. what took you so long?” poison plants a kiss on her cheek. the girl laughs and wiggles out of his grip. now that she’s said it, it does feel silly, like there was never anything to be afraid of. just shadows on the wall.

“i was just scared,” she says with a shrug. 

poison gives her a look like she’s crazy. “scared of what? like i’m about to disapprove?”

the girl shrugs again. “just the change, i guess. but i think i’m ready for it now.”

“good. i don’t give two shits who you bring home, as long as they’re not a drac,” poison says cheerfully. “so don’t do that. but girls are great! and whoever ends up on your arm is gonna be the luckiest crash queen in the whole desert, that’s for sure.”