Price of Life Masterlist | Ao3
TAGS: Joel Miller x Female Reader, Dark!Joel, Kidnapping, Religious Cults, No Use of Y/N, Reader is Brainwashed, Possessive!Joel, Dubious Consent, Innocent!Reader, Religious Guilt, Religious Deconstruction, (Unspecified) Age Gap Relationship, Eventual Smut, Slow Burn, Joel Miller Smut, Kidnapping, Captivity, Descriptions of Violence, Gore
﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌
You woke disoriented, your head and leg throbbing in agony. No longer were you staring up at the trees, but at a ceiling- a ceiling you recognized. You couldn’t be- how can the Prophet allow you to be taken back here? Wasn’t she supposed to lead you on your journey home? Why would she let that beast capture you?
You felt the familiar lumpiness of the sofa where you’d spent the last few days resting, which your body unconsciously sank into, missing its comfort. It was, admittedly, much better than sleeping against the rough bark of a tree trunk.
“You awake?” That deep voice rumbled, startling your eyes to open further. You looked at him, the beast- the animal that had hunted you down in the forest. You didn’t see an older, weathered man, anymore. He was monstrous, a devil keeping you from where you belonged.
Without bothering to answer him, you pushed yourself onto your elbows and maneuvered your body off of the sofa. He swiftly grabbed you, his large and firm hands keeping you from flailing your limbs as he forcefully pushed you back onto the cushions. “Quit messin’ around, girl.” He spat, his tone biting and cruel. “Don’t make me tie you up.”
You looked up at him defiantly, brows furrowed and lips pursed. “You will release me and allow me to go home.” You commanded, trying to make your voice deep and authoritative like he did the previous night. It didn’t sound remotely like him- you’d always been submissive, never one to order others around.
“You’re not goin’ anywhere, I thought I told you? Earned yourself a concussion on top of reopenin’ your wound, n’ almost got yourself killed by a damn infected.” The memory of the demon attacking you resurfaced, the sound of a thunderclap you’d only heard from Wolves and soldiers in your settlement. The sound of violence and destruction.
“You have a gun?” You asked fearfully. He glanced down, and you followed his gaze to the firearm secured at his hip. Any thoughts you had of struggling against him ceased, your defiance flooding out of you. He seemed satisfied, but his gaze remained hard. “Rest, I mean it. No gettin’ up- you let me know where you needa go n’ I’ll carry you.” You said nothing, turning your head away like a petulant child. The only thing you could think to do was to pray, muttering them under your breath as Joel watched.
He turned his back to her, walking with heavy steps out the door.
─────────────────── ⋆⋅𖤓⋅⋆ ─────────────────────
Joel woke up every morning at sunrise to start his work. He made himself breakfast, brewed a cup of coffee, sat out on the porch to watch the sunrise, maybe even pulled out his guitar to strum a few tunes. Then he got to work.
He had three pens: one with cattle, one with sheep, and one with pigs. He built a coop nearby as well, which had a few chickens. He had a garden of herbs and a few vegetables, a few fruit trees and some flower beds. When Joel moved from Jackson, Tommy and Maria had kindly provided him with a few livestock and seeds to self-sustain. He knew it was Tommy’s idea, to give him things to do. Besides taking care of Ellie, he had nothing going for him. He wasn’t a smuggler anymore, and staying within the walls of the settlement had eased the need to constantly be in survival mode. It drove him crazy, gave more room for the demons to creep their way in and attack his mind. Painful memories, haunting ghosts, the skeletons of his proverbial closet pushing their way out.
He felt trapped in Jackson- couldn’t stand being around everyone, felt like they could smell the stench of his shame. So he packed up and left. Ellie went with him, lived there for a few years, kept him company, but then she got older. She fell in love with Dina, and the two of them moved in together. He was genuinely happy for her. He was proud that she was able to move on, find love and settle down, forget the past- or at least bury it deep down so it only lingered in the back of her mind.
They’d fought, she’d demanded answers- why did he do it? Why would he take away the only meaning she felt she had at the time? He stood by his decision, said he’d do it again if he ever got the chance, sounded like a parent telling their kid “you’ll thank me when you’re older” after grounding them. Now he knew what he’d done was nowhere near that superficial, knew Ellie had every right to be angry with him, but he also knew himself. He knew the kind of man he was, and he was much too old a dog to be taught new tricks.
But she really did thank him- not verbally, but through her gradual forgiveness. Because he chose her life over the lives of thousands, she was able to make new meaning with her life, with him, with the settlement, and now with Dina. Maybe it was monstrous and selfish, what he’d done, but he did it because he loved her, and she understood that.
Now, all he had were a few farm animals and a small home to occupy his days, and he was fine with that. It was all he needed, or so he thought.
When the loneliness crept in, and his thoughts became too loud, he missed Ellie. He missed having someone else in the house. Hell, he even missed the settlement- at least there it was noisy. It was too quiet in his little house.
It was nice to have another presence in the house. Joel worked outside, knowing someone was waiting for him inside, someone who depended on him, someone who he could provide for and protect.
He told himself he was doing what anyone would do in his situation- he wouldn’t leave a fragile thing like you to die in the cold. But that familiar darkness was quick to take hold of him, telling him to keep her. She was his now. Who would come looking for her?
No one, he thought to himself. If anyone worth a damn in her life was around, they would’ve saved her, not him. He kept her alive, and he could continue to do so if she stayed with him.
When you had resolutely announced your departure, it stung him. Why would you want to leave when he kept your belly full, kept you safe and warm inside? You’d probably die out there trying to find your way home, and he knew you were well aware of that. He couldn’t have that.
─────────────────── ⋆⋅𖤓⋅⋆ ─────────────────────
He had woken up the next morning, just before sunrise, and went downstairs expecting to see you curled up on the sofa. But you were gone.
He bolted out of the house without a second thought. He’d taken his gun with him, prepared to do whatever it took to bring you back home safe and sound. He scanned the ground, senses high and alert as his eyes looked for imprints of your small feet. When he found your tracks, it wasn’t hard to find his way to you- you hadn’t even gotten that far.
You were sitting against a tree trunk, body tensed in fear as you saw him approach. Then you started running. He bounded after you, trailing close behind you, waiting for the moment to reach out and pull you into his arms.
Then the moment was shattered when the infected came out of nowhere, sending you tumbling to the ground and hitting your head. This is exactly why he had to protect you- you were fragile, unable to fend for yourself.
He shot the thing dead, his arm moving with muscle memory. Then he crouched down at your side, scooped you up in his arms, and carried you home.
─────────────────── ⋆⋅𖤓⋅⋆ ─────────────────────
You prayed until you fell asleep, the words dying on your lips as you slipped into unconsciousness. You had a nightmare about Joel, about him transforming into a wild beast and ripping you to shreds. You screamed and begged for him to stop, but he wasn’t human anymore, snarling as he sank his teeth into your flesh and took greedy chunks into his mouth.
Joel woke you, his face etched with worry. “Hey, darlin’- you alright?”
You squirmed, fighting against his hands, which were resting on your shoulders. You twisted your body, even as he held you down. “Hey, hey hey hey- I ain’t gonna hurt ya. Calm down- breathe.” He murmured, the deep timbre of his voice low and soothing. “Breathe for me, darlin’, c’mon. In, and out. Just like that.”
Staring up at him with wide eyes, you inhaled and exhaled, your breaths gradually slowing as you calmed. His eyes never left yours, the flecked pools of brown and green almost mesmerizing. You wondered how he did that- shifted his voice, his gaze, his very essence. This morning he had been dark and primal- a beast that sent fear and warning electrifying your nerves. Now he was soft and grounding, sedating you into a state of stillness.
“You… you’re the devil.” Was all you said. “I pray the Prophet saves me from you. I pray she guides me away from here, to my home. May she grant me the wisdom to find my way, whether it be today or days, weeks, months from now. I pray she gets me away from you.”
He was silent for a moment, listening to your rambling.
“You ain’t goin’ nowhere.” Was all he said. It was calm and quiet, not laced with the same threat as the previous night. Just a simple statement. He let you go as if nothing happened, walking over to the kitchen. “You hungry?” He asked. You didn’t answer, and he made you a sandwich anyway.
You refused to speak to him, only opening your mouth to pray. He set you on a schedule, coming into the house at specific periods of the day to feed you or carry you to the bathroom. He didn’t complain, only asked the occasional question, which you ignored.
Sometimes you heard beautiful sounds coming from outside on the porch. You’d seen the sounds were coming from Joel, from some kind of instrument he used. You liked the sounds, perking up to listen. Sometimes he’d sing along with the music, the words and the music blending together.
On the island, you only heard hymns to the prophet. Anything else that wasn’t used for worship was considered frivolous and was forbidden. You wondered how something so beautiful could be forbidden, before you corrected yourself. He was only a demon, trying to use his talents to charm you.
You were proven right in your mind when he came to you one evening. “You need a bath,” he said. Your hair was matted and your skin was grimy with filth, but the only logical conclusion you had was that he was trying to take advantage of you. “Don’t touch me,” you said firmly.
“I ain’t gonna touch ya, just gonna bring you to the bath.” He said as he scooped you up, carrying your squirming body to the bathroom. He stripped off your clothes, holding you firmly by the waist as he did his task.
“Demon!” You shouted as you squirmed and pushed weakly at his arms. “Pervert! Don’t touch me!”
“I said I ain’t gonna touch you,” he growled, “just hold still.” Once you were naked, he eased you into the bath that had already been drawn, your body involuntarily relaxing into the warm water. “There- now I trust you can wash on your own. I’ll be outside when you’re done.”
He walked out, not even sparing you a second glance at your bare skin. You sat in the tub, perplexed.
You washed, but didn’t call him. He eventually stepped in on his own, brow furrowed as he surveyed you, making sure you were alright. He picked you up, wrapping a towel around you before sitting you on the seat of the toilet.
“I’m gonna wash your clothes,” he said as he pointed to your discarded clothing with his chin, “I got you somethin’ else to wear in the meantime.” He held out a white cotton nightgown. It looked brand new, plain but delicate and pretty in a way that had your breath hitch. You’d never be allowed to wear something like that back home- maybe only on your wedding night. You thought of Adonis, imagining yourself standing before him in that nightgown, a flush rising to your cheeks.
“I can’t wear that.” You said quickly. It wasn’t right to wear something like that, especially in front of Joel.
“Why not?” He asked, clearly confused.
“It’s not appropriate,” you said pointedly, like he should know. He only looked more confused. “This? Darlin’, it’s just a nightgown.” Your brows furrowed, becoming frustrated with him. “It’s… provocative.”
Joel laughed, the sound echoing off the walls of the small bathroom. “You worse than the Amish!”
“What’s the Amish?” You asked confusedly.
“They were a religious group, way back before the Outbreak.” Joel explained, still smiling. You’d never seen him smile- it made him look much more welcoming, almost kind. “Believed in modesty and all that. I don’t know what you wear to bed back home, but this ain’t provocative. It’ll cover your knees, I think. N’ if you want your arms covered, I got a cardigan you can use. Some socks for your feet, and you’ll be nice n’ covered up.”
“What about my legs?” You challenged.
“You’ll be under the blanket.” Joel said, slightly irate. That temperamental part of you found satisfaction in annoying him.
“Fine.” You murmur. He left the room again while you tossed the towel aside and pulled the nightgown over your head. He came back with the socks and the cardigan, handing it over while he kneeled to slide the socks onto your feet. You pulled the wooly cardigan on, admiring its brown color. It wasn’t flashy at all, which you appreciated. The socks were beige, which you also accepted.
“Do you approve?” He asked with a bite of sarcasm. You nodded.
The corner of his mouth quirked up. He carried you back to the sofa, laying you down and pulling the blankets over your legs. “All covered up, like I said.” He looked down at you, pausing. “Still got that room upstairs.”
“I like the fireplace down here.” You say. He nodded, not pressing the issue.
“Before I forget,” he said as he went over to the kitchen, pulling a drawer open, “I found this in your pocket when I first found you.” He walked back over to you, holding something small and wooden in his hand. It was a carved figure of the Prophet.
Your hands immediately reached out for it as he gave it to you. “Thank you,” you said softly, tracing over the dips.
“Night, then.” He said quietly.
He went upstairs. You clutched the figure, praying softly until you fell asleep.
﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌
A/N: Some fluff-adjacent moments to lighten things up a bit hehe :3
Trying to figure out pacing- I want it to be a slow burn but not too slow... idk i'll figure it out.
﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌
