Price of Life 🏹🪶
﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌
Price of Life Masterlist | AO3
TAGS:Joel Miller x Female Reader, Dark!Joel, Kidnapping, Religious Cults, No Use of Y/N, Reader is Brainwashed, Possessive!Joel, Dubious Consent, Innocent!Reader, Religious Guilt, Religious Deconstruction, (Unspecified) Age Gap Relationship, Eventual Smut, Slow Burn, Joel Miller Smut, Kidnapping, Captivity
﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌
Joel got back from patrol completely and utterly exhausted. Maria had paired him up with some jerk named Frank- probably as a punishment for what he’d done to Tommy. Frank was a lousy partner, dumb and lazy and much too incompetent for a man his age. Joel wondered how he’d survived for so long, and he admittedly had the urge to choke him out once or twice.
But now he was finally back home, where you were waiting for him. He’d scavenged around for a gift, a little something to give you as an apology for the things he’d said the last time he spoke to you. He’d never been good at apologies, but he wanted to try- for you. While Frank was snoring loud in the night, Joel got up and ventured out to the buildings nearby, searching rotting houses and decrepit stores, he happened upon a library a few miles out. By dawn, he’d searched around and picked up some books about some of the sea critters you’d been reading about. He hoped they’d be enough, that they’d at least make you happy. He knew he didn’t deserve forgiveness, but he’d be satisfied as long as you had a smile on your face.
He fiddled with the padlock at the front door and swung it open, stepping in with heavy boots and looking around the room, expecting to see you curled up on the sofa or sitting at the kitchen table. You were in neither of those places. He called your name, closing the door behind him, the books he’d gotten for you clutched in his free hand.
Then he saw the window.
The boards had been kicked in, leaving them scattered in the grass outside. Realization dawned upon him that you’d left him, broken out in desperation to get away, to be free. It sunk deep and heavy in his gut, his heart feeling like it was made of lead. The bitterness of defeat settled in his heart and soul, the ache of loneliness threatening to sting at his eyes. He blinked hard a couple times, trying to rid himself of the feeling.
And then it kicked in, that primal anger clawing its way through him, the anger and spite that’d kept him alive for so many years, that hardened him and allowed him to take and take without caring who or where it was from, as long as it kept him alive. He walked over and tossed the books on the kitchen table, leaving them forgotten as he turned right back around and burst through the front door, mounting Old Beardy and setting off to find where the hell you’d run off to. You weren’t getting away from him, no matter how hard you tried. He wouldn’t let you go- he couldn’t.
He went the way you’d gone the first time you escaped, his eyes sharp and scanning for fresh tracks in the dirt, signs of waste or disturbances in the forest- any sign that you’d been there. He found the rotting corpse of the infected that had tried to kill you that day, and he realized that you’d probably expected him to retrace your steps from before, that you’d gone an entirely different way in hopes of evading him. He wouldn’t let that happen.
He turned around and went back to the house, following the small indents in the grass from your boots back into the forest. He saw it then, the small and almost imperceptible signs of your presence- disturbances in the soil, mounds of dirt where you’d buried excrement, a wrapper you’d left forgotten by a log- he was thorough, leaving no leaf or stone unturned as he tried to track down the exact route you’d taken. You hadn’t left enough clues, however, and even Joel was beginning to lose sight of where you were going, resorting to guessing.
Hours went by- he hadn’t even realized that he had been exhausting poor Beardy, riding from the early hours of the morning until late in the evening. He was consumed by need, by the possession that told him that you were his, that you had no right to leave him the way you did. The beast within him was desperate for your return, for you to be his and only his once more. He was also worried sick, wondering if you were even alive, how you were doing out in the wilderness on your own, if an infected had found you, or worse- if someone else did. It sent fear and dread and anger shooting icy and hot through his veins, driving him to continue his search.
When it got too dark, he finally retreated, making his way back home. It felt so empty without you, so unbearably loud in its silence, he could hardly stand it. But he forced himself into bed, even if he could hardly sleep, tossing and turning and hoping that you were alright, that maybe you’d come back.
─────────────────── ⋆⋅𖤓⋅⋆ ─────────────────────
You had been staying in Jackson for three days now. Dina and Ellie, though they scared you at first, quickly became familiar and welcoming faces. They weren’t as terrible and mean as you’d assumed, and although their relationship was very foreign to you, you admired their closeness, the way they so clearly cared for one another deeply. You absolutely adored little JJ, often offering to babysit him while Dina and Ellie went out and ran errands or busied themselves in the house, or went out to enjoy themselves on their own.
You actually liked it there in Jackson. Everything felt so normal, the gentle bustle of people in town square, going about their everyday business without worrying about the demons, safe behind the gates that surrounded them- it was nice. You felt normal, truly normal. It reminded you so much of Joel, the cozy atmosphere and slow life bringing you back to the peaceful woods where his house stood, the sounds of his guitar and the animals filling your ears. But it was almost better now, because you were allowed to leave- you had the choice of getting up and leaving Ellie and Dina’s house, going out on your own to the store or just for a walk to enjoy the gentle spring breeze. You felt like you actually had agency over yourself- a feeling that equally excited and scared you because it was so unfamiliar. You’d never felt like this, even at home. There wasn’t anyone telling you what to do, just yourself and your own wants and needs- no one told you it was selfish or defying the natural order of things.
You were free.
Ellie and Dina taught you a lot in the short amount of time you’d been staying with them. They shared stories of their adventures, showed you things you’d never even known existed, they showed you that there was so much to life, so many different ways you can make it your own and enjoy it. Ellie showed you her art and her interest in science and space, something you’d never even thought about before. You told her about your interest in the ocean, the creatures you’d read about in your book, and she listened- she seemed genuinely interested. Dina joked and laughed with you, her out-going nature and charisma easing your nerves, making you feel more welcomed and like you actually belonged. You felt like she didn’t judge you, like she saw you for who you were and accepted it. You’d prayed a couple times in front of them, and she didn’t seem to mind it at all, like it was normal.
The most important thing you took away from them, however, was the way they loved each other so openly, without fear and limitation. It wasn’t a transaction, it wasn’t forced- it was natural as breathing to them, the instinctive touches, the way their eyes met and seemed to communicate without words, the way they always gravitated towards each other like some kind of force was pulling them together. It looked so easy, and it had no expectations or demands. It just was.
You thought of Adonis, wondering if that’s what your love would look like if you had remained home, if you’d married him like you were supposed to. He was so kind, so in tune with his beliefs and his faith in the Prophet, you’d always looked up to him and admired him for that. You found yourself longing to be home, to finally be able to unite yourself with him like the Prophet had planned.
And then, like a persistent pest that refused to go away, Joel’s face flashed in your mind. You chided yourself, reminding yourself of his last words to you: I reckon you owe me. He expected things from you, loyalty and obedience and submissiveness. You’d learned from Ellie and Dina that wasn’t what love was, that it was patient and kind and without shackles weighing you down. Joel weighed you down, kept you chained in his house and chained to him.
“You okay?” Dina asked, the door to your room slightly ajar as she peeked in. You jumped, looking up at her. “Yeah,” you said, but it wasn’t convincing, “I’m fine.” She looked at you for a few seconds, before opening the door a little more and stepping inside.
“Ellie and I are kind of busy, so I was wondering if you’d want to go out and run an errand for us.” Dina said as she held out a small piece of paper. “Just some groceries we need from the market. If it’s too much for you, it’s okay-”
“I can do it,” you interrupt, getting up from your bed to take the paper from her hand. You read it over before looking back at her, giving a polite smile. “I’d be happy to do this for you.”
“Thanks, you’re a lifesaver,” Dina sighed, smiling. Your smile widened a bit, turning into something more genuine and relaxed than before. You put on your cardigan and your boots and headed out, clutching the list in your hand. Dina had given you a sack to bring with you so you’d be able to carry everything. You walked to the market, remembering the route from tagging along with them on shopping trips a few times. You were nervous, being on your own with so many people around, but you murmured a prayer and grounded yourself, reminding your body and mind that you were safe.
You walked through the isles, glancing over the stalls that were set up to display produce from the farm and cuts of meat from the livestock. You glanced down at the list again: you needed to get cucumbers, lettuce, carrots, chicken, eggs, salmon, honey, butter, milk, and cream. You got to work, pursuing your task. You went to a stall that was selling vegetables, getting what you needed and putting them in the sack Dina had provided. Then you went to the butcher, then another stall selling the honey, and another for milk and cream. You’d always been a bit shy and tentative, but everyone was nice and outgoing, which you found comforting. Once you got everything, you made your way back to the house, satisfied with yourself. You liked being helpful, and you were glad to help Dina and Ellie out, to contribute in some small way, at least.
As you walked, you looked over at the gate, seeing Tommy and another man whose back was to you. But you stopped, recognizing exactly who that man was. Joel.
─────────────────── ⋆⋅𖤓⋅⋆ ─────────────────────
Joel had woken up that morning, remembering that he had to go on patrol with Tommy. He drug himself out of bed and got on Old Beardy, making his way to Jackson with a heavy heart. He hadn’t had any luck in finding you, and he was beginning to wonder if you’d actually made it to Seattle. Maybe you were back there, happy with your family. He hoped you were, because the alternatives were grim and he couldn’t bear for them to be true.
Once he passed through the gates, Tommy was waiting for him. “Howdy,” his brother said with a nod.
“Howdy,” Joel answered, nodding curtly.
“You look a right mess,” Tommy said, looking over his brother’s form. He looked haggard, his eyes sunken in with a lack of sleep, his clothes rumpled and stinking from days of not being washed or changed, his hair unbrushed, and his beard growing longer and unkempt. He knew he looked bad, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He was too consumed with worry, with the fact that you were somewhere out in the world without him.
“Let’s get goin’, I got stuff to do back home.” Joel grumbled.
“Don’t ya wanna say hi to Ellie?” Tommy asked. “You haven’t seen her in a while- not properly, anyway. You should go n’ visit, say hi to Dina and JJ, too.” Joel gave his brother a look. “You really think I’m gon’ go over there lookin’ like this?” He asked as he gestured over himself. Tommy only smirked.
“I’m sure they won’t care none,” Tommy said pointedly. Joel knew he was right, but still. He wanted to fix himself up a bit, get a grip over himself before he went to visit again. He’d plan a nice dinner, clean himself up, maybe offer to babysit JJ for a night while Ellie and Dina went dancing, just to give them some time alone. Tommy shrugged. “Guess it’s for the best- they’re busy anyway. Jesse n’ I found a girl while we were out on patrol-”
“What girl?” Joel asked, his body pivoting to face his brother. His eyes were wide, catching Tommy off guard. He said her name, noticing the way Joel stiffened. “She was sleepin’ in the post office. I offered to bring her here, let her rest a bit- said she was headin’ for Seattle.”
Joel wanted to smile, to laugh- fate really had a funny way of working sometimes. She was here. All this time he’d been searching, she’d been here, staying with the woman he’d considered his daughter and her girlfriend. He said nothing, clenching his fist.
“Do you know ‘er?” Tommy asked, his features still twisted with confusion. Joel’s eyes met his brothers.
“Nope,” Joel lied. “Now let’s get goin’, the sooner we get back, the better.”
─────────────────── ⋆⋅𖤓⋅⋆ ─────────────────────
You watched Joel leave with Tommy, the two of them mounting their horses before the gates opened and they rode out. Once he was out of your sight, you felt your anxiety lessen, your shoulders slacken as the tension left your body. You made your way back to the house, going inside and stocking the fridge and pantry with the groceries you’d secured.
You returned to your room, shutting the door and kneeling onto the floor, grasping your carved figure of the Prophet to pray. You prayed that the Prophet would keep Joel away.
The daylight hours bled away into night, and before you knew it it was time for dinner. Dina had cooked another new dish you hadn’t eaten before, your belly growling with the need to eat something. You followed the scent downstairs to the dining table, sitting and chatting politely with Dina and Ellie, like you did most nights. Dina bounced JJ in her lap while Ellie wolfed down her food, Dina snorting and jokingly snapping at Ellie to slow down.
“Not my fault the shit you cook is so good,” Ellie said with a mouthful of food.
You giggled, agreeing- Dina was a very good cook. “I’d like to help from now on,” you piped up, “in the kitchen. I don’t cook as well as you do, but I want to help more around here. Maybe you can teach me a few of your recipes, like that spaghetti stuff.” Dina nodded. “Yeah, that’d be nice. I could use the help around here, since this one can’t use an oven for the life of her.” She nudged Ellie playfully.
You laughed along, feeling for once like you belong. Dina and Ellie were so welcoming and kind, you’d never felt such camaraderie with other people before. Back at the settlement, friendships were strained in a way, maybe because everyone was secretly judging one another, focused on the flaws and mistakes, trying to find something to condemn disguised as friendly guidance. You didn’t feel judged with them, you didn’t feel like you had to perform. You felt like you could be yourself.
The next few days passed peacefully, the days monotonous but pleasant. You helped with chores around the house, took care of JJ whenever they asked, and read your encyclopedia in your room. You had completely forgotten about seeing Joel at the gates, the normalcy of your day-to-day life with Ellie, Dina, and JJ erasing your worries. You felt safe there, like nothing bad could get you- Joel and his house in the woods felt so far away now.
You came out of the little sanctuary you’d made out of Ellie’s studio when you caught the scent of dinner wafting upstairs. When you weren’t busy, you liked staying curled up in bed with your books. Ellie had lent you some of her books about dinosaurs and space, and you had been reading them voraciously.
You’d heard voices downstairs, but you hadn’t realized whose they belonged to until it was too late. Tommy was standing in the foyer,
and next to him was Joel.
[Part 9 of 11]
Next Part>
﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌
A/N: Fun fact the word 'normalcy' wasn't a real word until President Warren G. Harding (the 29th President of the United States) said it in his campaign slogan 'A Return to Normalcy' and then it just became a word after that anyways not relevant like at all I just think about it all the time whenever I use the word normalcy also Harding is my fave President not because he was good but just because he's really funny to me #teapotdome #jerry #ifykyk
﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌
@taniamiller @ilovetoomanymen @ratatouilleremyrini @letsbepeoplemaren @anqieluv @multifandomlovef @ghuoab
