#kensstarter

How many passive aggressive sticky notes should one go through putting on their lunch in a break room before just resorting to direct aggression? Inquiring minds need to know.

Dear Girl Scout Cookies of America.

Well, I suppose I should start with the assertion that I don’t usually bring one night stands back to my apartment - it simply seems too intrusive, too intimate really. I much prefer my penthouse at the Pierre with its captivatingly cold and uninviting vibe. But, you see, my judgement faltered last night. And while most people have the common sense to leave after hooking up with a stranger, it seems Valentine’s Day has a strange effect of people. Perhaps he was too out of it to call a cab or wanted to go for a morning round, either way I was drunk and gave him the benefit of doubt. That was a mistake. I understand my mattress is more comfortable than the common variety, but it is certainly not to be drooled upon.

What a night. 

One of the most irritating things is people who attempt to strike up a conversation when my headphones are in. I am not listening. I don’t want to listen. I have no intentions of keeping my volume low for your incessant chatter about absolutely nothing. Considering you are a stranger and this is a coffee shop and I haven’t given you any indication that a conversation about my drink choice or anything else was wanted....Go. Away.

My job duties should not include ‘midday calls from clients when routine sex play goes wrong.’ I don’t know why I’m his emergency contact or why he didn’t realize he’s allergic to body paint, but here I sit in the emergency room with a manchild covered in neon glow paint and a serious rash.

I’m in a different time zone, hungry, and up to my ears with work. But the weather is beautiful and the air smells like the ocean.