Your Wet Dream

Honestly, if I read the phrase “social distancing” one more time I’m going to lose my mind. It’s important, yes, but I’m just ready for everything to go back to normal. 

Consider me shocked. I thought people were finally starting to have some sense. 

You and me both.  The possibility of ‘shelter in place’ makes me wanna gag.  I mean, really, having to stay in this apartment with Puck for an extended period of time without having a chance to enjoy some legit alone time is terrifying.  You think if I end up murdering him you could hook me up with some primo lawyers?  I know you’ve got some pull...

Also got to avoid the grocery store mayhem. I took one step inside of Wegman’s and immediately said “nope” and walked right on out. No one has time for all that panic induced nonsense. 

How are things on your end amongst these end times? Has the bar closed down at all?

Seriously.  The mass hysteria is scarier than the damn virus...at least for our generation.  But I’m not about to get trampled because I’m jonesing for some Ben&Jerry.  Luckily my mom is super into care packages, so I’m set for a while.

While everyone else was stocking up on toilet paper, because people are barbarians apparently, I was at the liquor store. Smart choices, I’m making them. 

A brilliant strategy, Bobby Fisher.  Seeing as how Clorox and Lysol have joined toilet paper in disappearing, stockpiling anti-anxiety libations that double as disinfectants was pretty genius.  Well played. 

Stop attempting to make my threats less menacing, you scoundrel. You’re only adding to your pinches count.

You’re just asking for pinches, now. 

Well, I have asked Quinn to come along, but she’s unsure of attending the show in general. I hope maybe you could sway her mind, as I think she’d have a really nice time! Otherwise, I’ll of course be happy spending my evening with my friends. Do you think, if we went back to your bar, we’d be able to have some peace and quiet to enjoy the night for what it is? I want to celebrate, of course, but those cast parties are exhausting.

SAM: how's it going?

SAM: sweet. i get that. dude has a really nice face.

SAM: whenever works for you? finn isn't here this week, so if you wanna come over... just let me know?

SANTANA: Things are pretty standard over here...workin and playin

SANTANA: Doesn't he? He's like the best mix of surfer bad boy jock that just hits all the right spots.

You’re awfully demanding. 

And the sky is blue and grass is generally green.  Any other blatantly true statements you care to make, Captain Obvious?

I refuse to accept this treatment. I’ve done nothing wrong. 

Just bring me home the shirt, the shot glass and the bottle opener and all will be right in the world.

You know there was once a time when just my presence was enough for you. The gift that keeps on giving. What happened to us?

You divorced me and I’m cashing in on that alimony, babe.

Don’t worry - I’ll be sure to bring you back a cheesy novelty gift. What’s more your style - a shot glass with LA emblazoned on it or a magnet that also doubles as a bottle opener?

Put me in a Sophie’s Choice situation, why don’t you?  An impossible decision, you must choose for me.  Also our friendship heavily relies on whether or not you get me an “I <3 LA” shirt.  

SAM: hey, what's up?

SAM: i was hoping you were still down for that fast and furious binge?

SANTANA: Hey there, Lips.

SANTANA: I'm always down for Paul Walker.

I’m in a different time zone, hungry, and up to my ears with work. But the weather is beautiful and the air smells like the ocean.

All in all, not a bad way to start a Monday. 

Rub it in a little more, Fabray.  I think you maybe missed a spot.

I know, I know. I was just making sure! I want to have all of my proverbial ducks in a row, so to speak, before the show opens. I’ll make sure to save you the best seat in the house. And make sure you wait around after the show so I can sneak you backstage and give you the grand tour of the theatre. We’ll also have to go out and celebrate that night, so ensure that everyone else sticks around, too!

That’s just something I’ll have to believe when I see, Santana. Horrifying movies aside, however, I need to ensure that you’re coming to the show on opening night. I have some leeway with ticket sales, of course, so please let me know if I can reserve a spot for you in the audience.

I’ll be your Heath Ledger any day, Santana. All you’ve gotta do is ask.

Should know better by now that you can’t get rid of me that easily. You know what I think? You just missed me ever so terribly this weekend.

Ugh, you caught me.