he never knew bodily autonomy his entire life and then he is killed, and the horror still doesn't stop but now he welcomes it because that's all he knows. his body was never his to begin with, and he loves Jenova, so he's ready to give her anything she wants or needs. and so Jenova uses his likeness and the two become fused to a point where it's near impossible to say where he ends and she begins. and then he is killed again and ends up not being able to remember what his body even looked like anymore. to reconstruct it, he needs other people's memories of his body. and even then, it's Jenova's will that briefly brings him back into a body despite the fact that without a full reunion with all three remnants, he wouldn't be at full strength. and then he is killed a third time and loses that body as well.

his body was an experiment to create, a machine to use, an image to project on, an offering to his "mother", and then finally nothing but someone else's memory.

it wasn't his before life, in life, or after life. he never knew any other way to be, and now he never will. and because of that he's unable to even realize what it is that has been taken from him and what he's wilfully given away.

even though I already knew most of what would happen. somehow that actually made it worse, I was full on sobbing at times (well I had also picked music to listen to so that also contributed but still)

I don't have the words to express what tgcf means to me, right now this is my absolute favorite book series I've ever read. and also... hualian... I cannot deal, I cannot deal with them, I've rarely ever had a love story affect me this profoundly

I also cannot overstate what an absolute pillar of support this story was for me this year. I picked up Volume 1 almost exactly one year ago, and from that moment on tgcf was like the lifeboat that got me through a really tough year where I was also sick more often than not (I'm disabled with chronic fatigue)

tgcf vol 1 was also the first book I'd read after ten years where due to various mental illness issues I couldn't read books at all, a crass contrast to how I used to devour them from the moment I was able to read. but then whatever was blocking me, it feels like tgcf just... allowed it to heal. that alone I consider an immense gift that I'm incredibly grateful for, as I had honestly feared I'd never be able to read books again

I'll miss this story so so much, but I'm also just so unspeakably grateful for its existence

also I'm very grateful for all the positive feedback and interaction my little analysis posts have received, I honestly didn't expect that at all when I started posting. I just had so many thoughts while reading and desperately needed to express them, but I thought surely no one else would be all that interested in them. so the attention is completely unexpected but very appreciated, thank you :')

okay so if anyone sees this who also reads my fics, they probably won't be surprised if I say indoor swimming pool! I feel like Dean would find swimming to be really good for stress relief, because it can be meditative like fishing but there's also physical exertion, which might help him calm down when he's stressed or help him sleep when he has insomnia. when they first discover it, I think he'd also really enjoy the process of restoring it and making it as clean and cozy as the rest of his nest home.

I feel like Sam might prefer running over swimming, but Cas would try out the pool, if only because Dean is so enthusiastic about sharing his joy with Cas. and Cas has never been swimming! and doesn't own swim trunks! that of course needs to be rectified - cue shopping trip where Dean is super picky because they need swim trunks that look cool and badass!! (aka have big sharks on them)

then there's also the angst potential of post-Michael-possession!Dean who just went through the torture of "trapped and drowning inside my own body". that plus the whole bunker - his home - is full of strangers, strangers who look at Dean and only see Michael. and now when he needs stress relief and safe spaces the most, he can't even go for a long, calming swim, because being surrounded by water is terrifying now. another part of Dean that he lost to Michael because he was too weak to kick him out, and he's so mad, but he has nowhere to turn that anger against but himself. I actually wrote a fic where the whole ordeal with Michael (being possessed twice, then locking Michael inside his own mind and Michael breaking out forcefully) left Dean with not only ptsd but also epilepsy, which actively makes it dangerous for him to be in or even near the pool on his own.

there's also fluff potential though! I think Dean would really enjoy teaching Jack to swim, the same way he enjoyed teaching Jack to drive. he'd be so patient and then be so proud and happy watching Jack succeed, and it would be a really good bonding time for them. Jack would wanna get big floatables just for the fun of it and Dean would grumble about how stupid those are - until he learns that they make egg and bacon shaped ones, and then he's all for it.

when the flashback starts, we see that Sephiroth isn't standing where Angeal and Genesis are but seems to have chosen a vantage point where he can see the (fake) scenery better. it appears as though he is enjoying seeing the (fake) sky and feeling the (fake) wind and sunlight—which makes a lot of heartbreaking sense if you consider that he never got to just go outside. when he's send out of the Shinra building or gets flown out of Midgar, it's because he's working, and there's no time to enjoy anything.

it fits really well with him commenting on the Nibel mountains' natural beauty in Rebirth: "I've seen a lot of reactors in my time, but none with such a breathtaking view—who could tire of it?" experiencing such a view in the real world is rare and precious to him because most of the time, he is essentially locked up. but he still can't really enjoy it even then because he's working and the mission has to come first.

so getting to spend time with Angeal and Genesis in the VR room would be extra special to him not just because he'd get to "play" and have fun for once with his only friends—it would be the closest he could get to being outside under the open sky on his own terms.

this opening shot of him also fits tragically well with the Loveless line Genesis is reading aloud: "Infinite in mystery is the gift of the goddess/ We seek it thus, and take to the sky". how often must Sephiroth have longed to do exactly that, to be able to take to the sky like a bird and be truly free? it's so ironic that it's only after he has broken down and lost his mind that he discovers his wing. and even then, having given himself to Jenova, is he truly free?