Ā itās me! Iāve been wondering if after all these years youād like to meet. . .
seemed fitting since I havenāt really been on this blog for about, at least a full year I think (but it can also be almost 2 years. . . ), I left quite suddenly because of some bad things that life threw at me which made me not able to handle anything really and I havenāt come back here until now.Ā This post turned out much longer than I expected however, so for those of you who donāt want to read my whole life story hereās the (also quite long) short version first :P
Just recently, for no real reason, I decided to visit here again (actually the reason was that I had a momentary grieving episode and I needed a place to vent and this seemed like a good place to do it) and I found out I kinda miss it. Not the blogging per se (although I kinda want to fangirl over Supergirl with people xD) but more the people I met on here and the community.Ā
And thatās why Iām making this post, for all of you amazing people.Ā I tagged everyone I can remember knowing on here that I am grateful for having talked to, but I am sure I forgot people so if youāre reading this and we talked, I am also talking about you! I know 2 years is a long time, and I donāt know if you are all still on tumblr (or if anyone wants to even read this)Ā but I just wanted to say thank you for everything, it meant a lot to me and I am genuinly sorry I stopped talking.Ā
The other part of the message is that I feel like tumblring (is that a verb?) again and so this is my hi Iām back message :P Iām different than I used to be (and following new tv shows and stuff) so I am not sure what I want to tumblr about yet (feel free to give me suggestions ;) ) or how frequent Iāll be here, but I do know it will remain a positive place and it will be active again :)
and now for the long version of my hiatus under the cut :P :Ā
now comes the (probably too) personal story and waaay too long story of why I left, and what Iāve felt/did since then. It was actually really cathartic to write this, so I am not gonna apologise for the length.
I had a really rough time 2 years ago, My father got cancer and needed surgery, I was failling all of my classes at uni (making me doubt myself) and to top it all off the plane that my aunt and uncle where in was shot down above ukraine (mh17. . .) and so my father was sick and miserable, my sister had a break down, my mother was left to pick up the pieces and I was at the other side of the country alone in my dorm room. It was the worst year of my life, it literally felt like all the air had been blown out of me and the ground had disappeared. And there was a period where I was genuinly depressed I think, even though I never really let myself feel it because I needed to be there for my sister (and my mother, and my father) and I needed to pass my classes during my last chance at uni and I just knew that if I gave in to that feeling that I would never stop crying. And because of that I couldnāt be on here anymore.
I didnāt know how to be the sad one, or how to ask for help. I have always hated feeling like I was burdening someone with my problems, and Iāve never been good at sharing my grief and I did try, just because I couldnāt do it alone and I hoped it would help, but it didnāt. I couldnāt bring up the energy for it, and there was a time where I locked myself away from everyone really (not just tumblr) because I couldnāt give anything but anger and I couldnāt receive anything either and if I couldnāt be good, Iād rather be nothing.
Which was enhanced by the fact that I felt like a cheat, I had always told everyone who needed it that everything eventually works out and life is worth living and to just have faith and love, and then here I was not believing that anymore. It felt like I had lied to everyone I had ever helped (including myself in a way) and it made me feel like I didnāt deserve help (as much as I know itās ridiculous and if anyone told me that I would tell them thatās bullshit, and hit them in the head before hugging the hell out of them). But I guess thatās just what being depressed feels like. And just being sad I couldāve handled, Iāve been sad before, it was the anger I couldnāt deal with. The only way to get rid of anger is to forgive, and that is precisely what I couldnāt do.
This was my happy place, and I did it not just for myself but for everyone else, I always loved sending nice messages and making people happy and reblog funny things and Ā just making this a nice place to be, but I couldnāt do that anymore. And because the only things I wanted to reblog where sad things, or rants, and I didnāt want this blog to become aĀ depressing place and so I just stopped altogether.Ā
I instead focused on helping my sister, like doing everything for her could make up for not helping anyone else (and it helped, as much as my support helped her recover, it helped me recover myself just as much) and I focused on gaining my bachelor degree. I had a weird time at school, because I didnāt feel really motivated and I largely also felt that learning wasnāt the most important thing in life, not if everything else was falling apart.Ā But I also didnāt want to throw away 3 years of studying because life decided to become unfair. And also maybe because a small part of me did still believe this wasnāt gonna last all my life and so throwing away my future because of the present seemed like a bad idea, not to mention it pissed me off that external events could fuck everything else up so much that I wanted to prove that at least this I could still do. And because I stopped caring about it as much as I used to, I stopped having failure anxiety, it was almost aĀ āfuck it Iām doing it if it kills meā vibe and it got me through, despite everything I (finally, after 6 tries) passed my classes. This year I will hopefully get my bachelor degree and after next year Iāll have my master and Iāll be an honest-to-god engineer!
Ā And it finally felt like I was at the other end of the storm, I felt proud (and maybe a little shocked) at my own strength, at the fact that I made it. I started enjoying my classes again. I started talking to people again, making friends, being happy-ish. I say happy-ish because the grief isnāt gone yet, sometimes it comes back and hits me like a freight-train. It also changed me and I am still trying to figure out what that means exacly. I am less naive,Ā I stand up for myself more and I know what I want more. But I am also less forgiving, which I donāt like but my friends and family say is not a bad thing.
I am stronger now, there are things I learned from this that have made me better but I still feel like I was fine before too, and Iād rather not have gone through it all (or at least later in life, I am 23 and I have lost more people than some people lose in an entire life time). So as far as acceptance I still have some way to go I guess :PĀ
But I can see myself getting there, I am still scared the pain and the anger areĀ never gonna go away and maybe they wonāt, but I can feel grateful again about my life, I can be happy. And so now I am here again, on tumblr, spilling my guts to all of you :P which is actually a sign I am doing great (or better, letās not get carried away) because I have always been better at talking about feelings/situations after I stopped feeling them :PĀ
anyway, for anyone who has read this far, I wish I had some profound findings or wisdoms to give you about all of this. But I donāt, I'm still not sure what it all means, or if it means anything at all, so for now Iām just gonna say thank you for reading this entire novel and I hope you have a nice day :)
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Hello Alex I have a fic prompt based on the song July by Hotel Books (tbh all his songs can be fic prompts), anyway idk how to word the prompt so I was wondering if anyone would be willing to listen to it and write something, you don't even have to listen to it tbh the lyrics are underneath the video on YouTube. Super angst and emotional like so idk. Thank you :)
kellynieman answered: try uncharted, all of them are pretty good although the 3rd one was a little lacking in content in general
I have Uncharted! I have the Nathan Drake collection, I just finished the first one the other day. I wasnāt sure what I thought of it buuuuut maybe thatās cos it was very shooter heavy.
hi, sorry, i hope im not being a nuisance but i just went to watch your fanvideo [mulder & scully | i will be your remedy] but apparently its been blocked for copyright :/ i was wondering whether theres a chance of it being re-uploaded?
yes, there was a problem with the song :/ so i think iām going to upload it here or in another page, donāt worry iāll let you know!
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you can just make a sideblog, move the urls over and have a brand new blog with the same urls
yeah but wouldnāt that still be just a side blog then? like for messaging people and stuff it wouldnāt be myĀ āmainā blog anymore, right? or can you change which of your urls is the main blog?