Ā itās me! Iāve been wondering if after all these years youād like to meet. . .
seemed fitting since I havenāt really been on this blog for about, at least a full year I think (but it can also be almost 2 years. . . ), I left quite suddenly because of some bad things that life threw at me which made me not able to handle anything really and I havenāt come back here until now.Ā This post turned out much longer than I expected however, so for those of you who donāt want to read my whole life story hereās the (also quite long) short version first :P
Just recently, for no real reason, I decided to visit here again (actually the reason was that I had a momentary grieving episode and I needed a place to vent and this seemed like a good place to do it) and I found out I kinda miss it. Not the blogging per se (although I kinda want to fangirl over Supergirl with people xD) but more the people I met on here and the community.Ā
And thatās why Iām making this post, for all of you amazing people.Ā I tagged everyone I can remember knowing on here that I am grateful for having talked to, but I am sure I forgot people so if youāre reading this and we talked, I am also talking about you! I know 2 years is a long time, and I donāt know if you are all still on tumblr (or if anyone wants to even read this)Ā but I just wanted to say thank you for everything, it meant a lot to me and I am genuinly sorry I stopped talking.Ā
The other part of the message is that I feel like tumblring (is that a verb?) again and so this is my hi Iām back message :P Iām different than I used to be (and following new tv shows and stuff) so I am not sure what I want to tumblr about yet (feel free to give me suggestions ;) ) or how frequent Iāll be here, but I do know it will remain a positive place and it will be active again :)
and now for the long version of my hiatus under the cut :P :Ā
now comes the (probably too) personal story and waaay too long story of why I left, and what Iāve felt/did since then. It was actually really cathartic to write this, so I am not gonna apologise for the length.
I had a really rough time 2 years ago, My father got cancer and needed surgery, I was failling all of my classes at uni (making me doubt myself) and to top it all off the plane that my aunt and uncle where in was shot down above ukraine (mh17. . .) and so my father was sick and miserable, my sister had a break down, my mother was left to pick up the pieces and I was at the other side of the country alone in my dorm room. It was the worst year of my life, it literally felt like all the air had been blown out of me and the ground had disappeared. And there was a period where I was genuinly depressed I think, even though I never really let myself feel it because I needed to be there for my sister (and my mother, and my father) and I needed to pass my classes during my last chance at uni and I just knew that if I gave in to that feeling that I would never stop crying. And because of that I couldnāt be on here anymore.
I didnāt know how to be the sad one, or how to ask for help. I have always hated feeling like I was burdening someone with my problems, and Iāve never been good at sharing my grief and I did try, just because I couldnāt do it alone and I hoped it would help, but it didnāt. I couldnāt bring up the energy for it, and there was a time where I locked myself away from everyone really (not just tumblr) because I couldnāt give anything but anger and I couldnāt receive anything either and if I couldnāt be good, Iād rather be nothing.
Which was enhanced by the fact that I felt like a cheat, I had always told everyone who needed it that everything eventually works out and life is worth living and to just have faith and love, and then here I was not believing that anymore. It felt like I had lied to everyone I had ever helped (including myself in a way) and it made me feel like I didnāt deserve help (as much as I know itās ridiculous and if anyone told me that I would tell them thatās bullshit, and hit them in the head before hugging the hell out of them). But I guess thatās just what being depressed feels like. And just being sad I couldāve handled, Iāve been sad before, it was the anger I couldnāt deal with. The only way to get rid of anger is to forgive, and that is precisely what I couldnāt do.
This was my happy place, and I did it not just for myself but for everyone else, I always loved sending nice messages and making people happy and reblog funny things and Ā just making this a nice place to be, but I couldnāt do that anymore. And because the only things I wanted to reblog where sad things, or rants, and I didnāt want this blog to become aĀ depressing place and so I just stopped altogether.Ā
I instead focused on helping my sister, like doing everything for her could make up for not helping anyone else (and it helped, as much as my support helped her recover, it helped me recover myself just as much) and I focused on gaining my bachelor degree. I had a weird time at school, because I didnāt feel really motivated and I largely also felt that learning wasnāt the most important thing in life, not if everything else was falling apart.Ā But I also didnāt want to throw away 3 years of studying because life decided to become unfair. And also maybe because a small part of me did still believe this wasnāt gonna last all my life and so throwing away my future because of the present seemed like a bad idea, not to mention it pissed me off that external events could fuck everything else up so much that I wanted to prove that at least this I could still do. And because I stopped caring about it as much as I used to, I stopped having failure anxiety, it was almost aĀ āfuck it Iām doing it if it kills meā vibe and it got me through, despite everything I (finally, after 6 tries) passed my classes. This year I will hopefully get my bachelor degree and after next year Iāll have my master and Iāll be an honest-to-god engineer!
Ā And it finally felt like I was at the other end of the storm, I felt proud (and maybe a little shocked) at my own strength, at the fact that I made it. I started enjoying my classes again. I started talking to people again, making friends, being happy-ish. I say happy-ish because the grief isnāt gone yet, sometimes it comes back and hits me like a freight-train. It also changed me and I am still trying to figure out what that means exacly. I am less naive,Ā I stand up for myself more and I know what I want more. But I am also less forgiving, which I donāt like but my friends and family say is not a bad thing.
I am stronger now, there are things I learned from this that have made me better but I still feel like I was fine before too, and Iād rather not have gone through it all (or at least later in life, I am 23 and I have lost more people than some people lose in an entire life time). So as far as acceptance I still have some way to go I guess :PĀ
But I can see myself getting there, I am still scared the pain and the anger areĀ never gonna go away and maybe they wonāt, but I can feel grateful again about my life, I can be happy. And so now I am here again, on tumblr, spilling my guts to all of you :P which is actually a sign I am doing great (or better, letās not get carried away) because I have always been better at talking about feelings/situations after I stopped feeling them :PĀ
anyway, for anyone who has read this far, I wish I had some profound findings or wisdoms to give you about all of this. But I donāt, I'm still not sure what it all means, or if it means anything at all, so for now Iām just gonna say thank you for reading this entire novel and I hope you have a nice day :)
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
ā Live Streamingā Interactive Chatā Private Showsā HD Qualityā Free Actions
Free to watch ⢠No registration required ⢠HD streaming
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
ā Live Streamingā Interactive Chatā Private Showsā HD Qualityā Free Actions
Free to watch ⢠No registration required ⢠HD streaming
3. Whenās the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?
the only thing I can think of was when I finished watching Carmilla because it was sooo good but I didn't want it to be over xDĀ
13. What about āRā?
I was so confused by this question until I saw question twelve xD Ehm, I don't think I ever kissed anyone with a name beginning with R :PĀ
23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?
nope, I'm not Cersei! (the last person I talked to was my sister xD)
33. Do you want your tongue pierced?
not reallyĀ
43. Has anyone told you they donāt want to ever lose you?
yes, my sister and my best friend ^_^
53. Have you ever liked someone you didnāt expect to?
in all honestly, not really, because I try to not judge anyone if I don't know them well + I like virtually everyone :PĀ
63. Have you ever cried over a guy?
no
73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?
also no, I used to have a best friend but we kind off drifted apart so now I don't have anyone that close from the opposite sex. Although I am a quite open person so I tell most things to my friends Ā anyways, which includes people from the opposite sex xD
83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?
I dont have feelings for anyone right now, so that would be pretty spectacualr is they were protective of me, being non-existent and all xD
93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew?
specific question! but thankfully no! there was a matthew a few years ago who had this big crush on me and practically stalked me for months! but my cellphone was broken at the time so he couldn't reach me, so instead he basically ended up stalking my sister who (because she is awesome) brushed him off for me xDĀ
I guess I'm gonna go real cliche... Hermione ššā¤ļø
I love her! ^-^
looks: somewhat attractive | eh | not really my type | pretty | handsome | beautiful | stud | gorgeous | SWEET LORD MERCY
can you relate to this character on a personal level?: no | not really | somewhat | yes | they are me
would you date/be friends with this character in real life if they were real?: total bros | friends | best friends | date | become their steady boyfriend/ girlfriend | neither | i donāt know
send me a character and I'll tell you what I think of them ^_^