'excruciatingly attractive' that's An Expression

Why the fuck was I messaged that the Doctor has regenerated into a WOMAN and i don't see anything on my dash about it for ages. Holy shit. Hoooooly shit. I thought to myself, when Bill Potts became companion, I thought, ah cool for once it ain't a doll-like white woman, it's real brown woman and she looks awesome, I thought, even thoigh moffat ain't gone i should probably check it out. And then it turned out she is a lesbian and I was like, ya I should check it out SOON. And then. The Doctor. Actually. REGENERATES. INTO A WOMAN! and i gotta say. Moffat I dont care for the bullshit you made the series I mean it was deeply sad but damn. You have truly. Done two things right for once. Truly, a legacy you won't have to carry much responsibility for, but still. A good legacy just this. NOW GO! AND NEVER RETURN!! Doctor Who was the first ever series that....I was truly and completely in love with. I will now return to watching it.

The sad thing is, I already know that Baru will betray the Rebellion. It is so clearly foreshadowed really, when you already know. Or rather, even said! The path of the hero in the rebellion is such a well-known narrative that despite everything you expect her to adhere to it. But she still has her path mapped out to Falcrest. I do not know why, but I think that she has started to believe the ideology (as she reflects!) and somehow still believes she can save Taranoke through Falcrest. That she can take the best from them and evict the rest. Even as she repeatedly reflects that Taranoke is gone forever. So is she just using it as a way to justify the things she does for power? Falcrest power? Is Carrier going to be right and will she become just like him? Lifted up, proven, and then? A reproductive powerful cog? Taken in by an eugenical ideology of progress? By the allure of Falcrest's brand of absolute power and order? The looming risk of full sociopathy?

Today. I felt mostly annoyance and exasperation and boredom at my tumblr dashboard and I can't say I've ever felt that way before. It could be because I'm more easily aggravated the past days. It could be because I am not involved wholeheartedly in a fandom - but rather I detect an extreme reluctance in myself to love a thing. To expend energy and attention. Which of course is the worst state that can befall anyone. If it really is a sign of apathy. Perhaps it is a sign of shifting interests. A long festering restlessness coming to a head. I don't really know how to fix my dashboard so extremely or whether this simply spells the end for my time here as I slowly peel away from this medium. Maybe I will learn to open myself up to more chaos sometime again. Maybe I will learn to live with more regularity. Less worry. Maybe I will relearn how to love things again but with healthy selectivity. To take chances and not sigh at lists of entertainment. This is just a ramble.

How to infuse pain with meaning. How to make suffering it worth it. Not out necessity but out of nobility. Out of strength. A spiral surely goes up and down. The first step is a state of forever A steady climb up a mountain? The view is worth nothing. It is worth everything. The struggle is worth everything. You cannot give up halfway. It is impossible.