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surprise surprise I have not been blogging. Which is weird, because my drafts are full? But I guess I am aware just how messy my situation (also in the head) is and that is betteer to keep private for myself. However I don't want to let this blog go and starting next week I will be going to uni again, so I'm trying to get used to it again. This is mainly for me after all. So I have 3 points (like my username:)):
school: I am doing an "orientation" summer semester at a technical university (the same one I enrolled in). That means I will have math + some mandatory modules and I have to choose ~2 from extra modules like engineering mechanics, chemistry, biology, informatics, physics, etc. However, I still havent chosen :/ I am unfortunately avoiding thinking about it, because it always leads to me spiraling. It isn't that big of a deal technically, but somehow it stirs up worries and emotions in me. Goal: think about it and plan my semester.
I am contemplating writing a coherent version of my dilemma out, but it's either not gonna do it justice or it will be oversharing x1000. So rather no, but I still kind of want to
life: chat wft. who was gonna tell me that living life in general is so weird and ugly and beautiful and dumb. I am so desperately aware that the chemicals in my stupid 18yo brain are just trying to sort things out but why does it have to be so... ?huh?? Have I written about this? The times in my life I can recall a 'dark cloud' it always felt like it was looming over me. This (end of jan/feb) was the first time that I felt that darkness literally inside me ripping my very self to shreds. Running out of the house and crying on a bench far away for legit hours wishing it would all just end type shit.
And I quickly learned a lot. And that statement cannot convey how much. I learned what's, how's, why's and just... you get it. It was hard but I dug myself out. Like holy shit what was that about. Anyways
I am just learning. Every day there is something new. Can be shit but at least it's not boring right?
me ♦: But time goes on whatever is happening. the clock does not care. So time passes anyway, and the world doesn't stop and that's why I'm here. yay. I want to put a couple nice things/ thoughts at the end!
I love nature. I have been outside a LOT even if it's only early spring and I cannot wait for more outdoor activity. Especially home in Poland (grandparents) - I'm just in the woods half of the time. I might sound crazy but it does wonders for my nervous system. 30min in the sun/ outside even with rain can do more for me than anything else I could have done inside. idk man. I really liked the composition of the photo at the top, that's why it's there :)
I've climbed trees, ridden in (casual) horse carriages from strangers (no like the guy fully drove (??) me a good chunk of my way, shoutout to the horse), taken bunch of photos, ate ice cream sandwiches and then pickles for dinner, and did every single one of the newspaper crosswords. Living the dream life™ (What I'm trying to say easter break all in one was nice, I would have liked to be more present but this whole situation of mine just, yeah...)
I'm learning HTML. And CSS. I have the basics down.
I think the universe saw my struggle and decided to throw everything I llike at me: new season of ninjago dr, xikers comeback soon, xdinary heroes comeback soon, a bunch of extra media I like NEVER KILL YOURSELF!!! Also pierogi with a deadly amount of onions
Speaking of which, I am going to eat some right now. this is long enough
✦ 4. 2. 26 ✦📓✦ Wednesday ✦ my Kinderschnitzel came with a lollipop
I went skiing today (with a friend^) :) The nostalgia in this place is unreal - the tragedy of outgrowing the (weekly) ski training camps I have been in for about 10 years... the summer program too :/ That's what becoming an 'adult' gets me. But it was still amazing though (lowkey perfect carving conditions, and my s-turs were sharp too; I like to think my teacher would be proud of me [miss you])
The uni crisis/situation/whatever i should call it is still ongoing. But I think I have made progress? Most of it is in my head, but unfortunately I am also in there, so a little furniture rearrangement in there made me at least not panic as much. Still a LONG way to go...
At least I can do stuff now. I might still be scared af but at least I am able to do other things, don't feel like I can't enjoy anything while the problem's not solved.
I´m back from the project! And it feels surreal. I have a shit ton of things I have to catch up on and (normally I would never say that, but) it was so worth it. Even though it sounds kitchy, I really feel like a changed person. I won´t share too much, but it was one of the best things I have experienced in my life. So grateful to have had this opportunity. I will never forget these 10 days <3
This week I tried to catch up, wrote a test and currently am planning ahead, because next week I´m already on another trip. I am missing so much school but I´ll manage :)
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Okayyyyy, so I was prepared for some days to not be able to study, but today is, ehm, new.
Im gonna be real, your girl was stressing out about a (sadly longer going on) confession she has to reject. And I can’t believe I’m saying that, but not the kind where you commit a crime.
I feel so dumb, but this was so emotionally exhausting that I just couldn’t do anything else. Emotions don’t make sense and the nausea I get from even thinking about it isn’t normal so I guess I’m excused for today.
✓ school - geo notes + reading a lecture
✓ art - page in sketchbook
✦ sport //
I was kinda in a mood to just read all day, so that´s what I did. It´s Sunday after all. I also might change the "sport" category to something else (like personal development), because I feel like it´s hard for me to exercise when I don't have practice. Does that make sense? (To me it does)
I think I caught a cold while ice skating yesterday, because my head hurts so bad. I feel weak in general, so I just didn’t have it in me to do anything more than assemble an ikea drawer for my room (that task was like due tomorrow) and fill it. Though I made a big to do list in case I feel better tomorrow. Today was a 3/10, do not recommend.
